'The Other Woman'....

[TheOtherWoman]

Is there anyone else out there that's a mistress? And is quite happy just being 'the other woman'?

Before anyone says anything, i'm not a troll, i'm a regular that changed their name to protect myself.

I'm a single mum, and have been seeing a lovely bloke on and off for the past five years, and he is my childrens father. I'm under no illusions - he's not going to leave his wife and kids, and i don't want him to. I wouldn;t ask nor expect him to. We've tried several times to end our relationship, but we keep coming back to each other - it's like a moth to a flame.

So, are there any other happy mistresses out there?

Actually one of my best friends cousins found out that he wasn't his mothers husbands child but her lovers - he went from being a lovely boy, good at school, really really nice person to a deadbeat - drugs, bad relationships, everything went wrong for him.

Bloody mother then got together with her lover when her husband found out and divorced her and the real father doesn't acknowledge the son - it is sad and so many lives are messed up because of it.

I understand why she may not want them to know, but still think she has no right. If she didn't want to deny them the right to their father then I can't see how she allowed him to be the father. I was more concerned about him not wanting to be their father.

TOW, do I 'know' you on here?

In an ideal world anyone who was unhappy in their marriage would leave immediately and no-one would ever have affairs. And no-one who was married would ever fall in love with someone else and marriage would be for life.

But real life just isn?t like that. And it is a little cimplistic to suggest that when affairs happen the only person in the wrong is the one doing the cheating.

It is wrong to cheat on one?s partner, of course it is. But so often affairs are a symptom of something that is wrong in the existing relationship. And sometimes people don?t even realize that something is wrong until they find themselves drawn to someone else.

Relationships are complicated, and IMO each situation is individual. It would be wrong to suggest that all affairs happen because of something the other partner did wrong in the marriage, but equally it would be wrong to suggest that all people who have affairs only do so because they couldn?t stay faithful. While there are selfish people who have affairs purely for their own gratification there are equally people who have affairs for other reasons, because they are in an abusive relationship and find comfort with someone else, because the other partner has threatened them if they ever leave the existing relationship etc. That doesn?t mean that the people on mn whose partners have had affairs have some blame, it purely means that there are people out there whose actions in their marriages might contribute to their partner seaking or finding comfort elsewhere. After all we none of us knows what goes on in other people?s marriages.

I think the issue with the children is very difficult actually. How do you tell your children that their father is not their father? Especially if they all have a loving relationship with the man who has raised them? And if the real father does not want to know, how do you turn their lives upside down and take away the only loving father they have ever known and replace him with one that has no interest?

I really don?t think it?s as black and white as the children needing to know. It takes more than blood to be a father.

Fwiw I watched a programme once about DNA testing, and apparently something like 40% of women doubt the paternity of their children.

devine, the man obviously doesnt want anyone to know about the kids, they are proof hes a lying cheating scumbag,tha would shatter his "public good guy image"- hes a tosser.

dsrplus8, that's exactly my point!

Wannabe is right: sometimes people whose partners have affairs have been unkind, or selfish, or abusive. Things go wrong in relatinships for different reasons and being cheated on does not automatically make a person into a martyred saint.
OF course, some people who cheat do do so because they are selfish and thoughtless and reckon they can get away with it. THose of you who have been cheated on may have deserved it or may not have done: but if you didn't deserve it, that doesn't mean that someone else might not have done and it's not an insult to you to point out that other people do things differently.

wannabe - I couldn't agree more that it takes more than blood to be a father. Our whole family is built on that principle (complete infertility and a sperm donor). All the evidence (over decades) shows that it's not having a Dad who doesn't share genes with you that's the problem, it's the lying.

I think some situations are easier than others though.

I imagine it's easier if you have conceived with the help of a doner because the party who is not the biological parent had an involvement in that decision and so he knew from the outset that although he was not biologically their father he was their father in every other sense of the word and would be raising them as his own.

But the op has already stated that her lover does not want to be a father to these children, and that her now ex dh believes the children to be his and has a loving relationship with them.

If she told the children, she would have to tell the ex too, and as they're already separated it would be that easy for him to turn around and walk away from all of them - he would have no reason to stay in their lives any more.

So the children would go from having a loving father one minute, to being told he wasn't their father and that the father they do have doesn't want anything to do with them.

I don't know how there would ever be a right time to tell your children something like that, and so I can understand why the op has chosen not to. And I think that people are being a little harsh on her saying that she is selfish for not telling her children, yes she has got herself into an awful mess, and children have resulted from it. But it seems to me that she is actually trying to protect them as best she knows how, which implies that she actually knows deep down what a tosser her lover really is.

Of course, unless there has been DNA testing, it's entirely possible that her xh is actually the father of the children - they must have been having sex around the time she conceived for him to believe that they're his?

hmm I dont thing "got herself into an awful mess really covers it does it"

The best thing she could do would be tell the children and her ex ASAP that their father is actually someone else. The psychological damage that her deception will do to them is slightly more than a bit of a mess. It isnt unheard of for sibling raised separately to fall for each other it is also a benefit to have some idea of your biological parents medical history. You are sitting on a timebomb totally of your own making.

I hope you win this "prize", his mother and his gran you deserve each other.

I think you will find many of the women on here being dismissed as bitter are in fact wives whose husbands, despite promising to "love honour and obey", have gone on to have relationships/and children behind their backs.

As a wife and mother I can not think of anything more soul destroying and devastating then to find out that my dh has slept around or has a mistress. I know there will always be things like this going on, i.e. parents split up through dads cheating but it would kill me if dh did it.
You might be happy with the situation but you sound very selfish

The longer the lies/questions about the childrens paternity continue, the greater the hurt to them. Sure it will be painful to get these issues out in the open, but once it is done there is the chance for healing to begin.
I hope this will be done with a great deal of planning and with good support systems in place, which is why I want the OP to realise this could blow up with no prior warning.

and how do you tell preschool age children (presumably they are of preschool age because op said she'd been in this on again off again relationship for 5 years) that the man they know as Daddy isn't their daddy and that he probably won't want anything to do with them once he finds out?

There is absolutely no certainty that these children are going to find out about their father. In fact i would say there's absolutely no certainty that is other man even is their father, and that it's entirely possible that op could tell them that their daddy wasn't their daddy and be wrong about that.

It is the op who has messed up, her children shouldn't be made to pay the price for it just because people think they ought to know right now. They are far too young to comprehend this kind of news anyway, all they will know is that daddy suddenly doesn't want to know them any more, at an age when they are young and impressionable.

As for the wife, I don't believe for one second that she believes she's in a happy marriage, not if the mother and the gran know about the ow. I don't think there are many mothers who would accept their son's wife into their home one day and the mistress the next. So there must be far more going on in the marriage than perhaps even op knows about. That doesn't make what the man is doing right, but it doesn't sound like a black and white he wants a quick shag type affair...

Wannabe has an idea of where i'm coming from - thank you.

I suppose it might help if i gave a little more background.

I've known my lover for 17 years. We were at school together and did go out for 6 months or so, but were better friends - i've known his mum since then. Life took us to different places, and five years ago we happened to bump into each other again. We were both married at that point, although i didn't have children. We stupidly slept together three times, and i ended up pregnant. I'm near enough certain that my eldest is his as they are so very much alike, although DNA hasn't proven this. As soon as i found out i was pregnant, i ended it with him, and didn't see him at all, trying to make my marraige work. My eldest child has now just turned four. About 20 months ago i bumped into him again, and i tried very very hard to stay away from him, but he seemed to be everywhere that i went. It seemed inevitable that we would end up together again. To be honest i didn't fight it all that hard. I was in an unhappy relationship with a man who although a perfect father to my son seemed to care very little about me. Maybe i've just turned to the first person who's shown me love and affection and comfort. Literally six weeks after i started seeing him again, i found myself pregnant with my second child. I lied about my dates to my husband, but i know for certain that my youngest is my lovers - and the baby is nearly eight months old. Again, as soon as i found out i was pregnant, i stopped seeing my lover. Wanting somewhere inside to make my marraige work, but as the pregnancy progressed it became obvious that it would be better that we should split up. I was quite heavily pregnant when i told my husband that i was leaving him, and i didn't see my lover again until my baby was three months old. My eldest adores daddy, and i will not tell her the truth about her parentage. I can't see what good it would do - to deprive her of a devoted father - for what? A man that doesn't play any role in her life whatsoever? I'm sorry, but i just won't do that.

It would be so easy for me to turn around and slag off his wife - but i haven't done that. All i said was that things were tough at home. His mother has told me of things that are happening at home, and he's hinted at things, but to be honest, i'm not interested in that. We don't really talk much about his home life, other then for me to say that i don't want, nor would i expect him to leave his wife for me.

What is it that is ok about letting a man take responsibility for a child or children who are not his? Yes of course the children would be hurt to find out that exDH is not their father but that is the fault of the OP. This situation was created by OP and the OM. Unfortunately, due to those selfish actions, other people will at some point, have to suffer the consequences (children, exDH, OW etc).

All the OP is doing is protecting herself from judgement of her decisions in RL and protecting the OM from having to come clean about the affair, thus enabling it to continue.

I fail to see anything about this situation that makes it morally ok or acceptable.

What a mess. I truly feel so sad for the children, the OW and her children and the exDH (in no particular order)

Part of me actually wants to believe that this thread is untrue because I just don't want to believe that people can be so deceitful

Am I the only one who finds the idea of having unprotected sex with a man who already has a wife absolutely revolting? If he's ready to screw around on his wife with me than how many others before, and what might he be carrying???

well said fuzzywuzzy!

OP you said "have been seeing a lovely bloke on and off for the past five years", I wonder considering subsequent posts of yours, whether you feel you should retract this statement and the sentiment that you are happy? How can you be happy when the very foundations of your children's existence is a lie?

PS I am amazed at the moral ground you find yourself upon when you claim you won;t deprive your dd of a man that isn't her father as her father.

Everything about your extra detail post speaks of passive morally lazy behaviour. Inevitable. He seemed to be everywhere. Stupidly slept together. Bah!

I know you didn't ask for criticism but hey, that's MN for you. I daresay you are happy though how you can be amazes me. Your life is a tissue of lies and you don't seem to have made a sensible decision for years.

I can only reiterate this thread makes me very for many reasons , of which you could rectify most of them.

Having read this thread with my mouth gaping I have to say I really hope you are a wind up - although I sadly doubt you are. I don't give a monkies what you and your wonderful OM do to each other but for you, him and his mother to lie to your children about their parentage is unforgiveable.

Your children will find out one day, even if that day isn't until you are dead. Believe me they will.

Please attempt to project yourself into someone else's shoes for a moment - how would you feel if you found out your mother had lied to you about something as fundamental as who your father was?

How can you justify this situation by saying you don't want your DD hurt when all your actions say the opposite. Perhaps you don't want her hurt yet, not until youv'e finished with your indulgence anyway, but it's inevitable this will be the outcome and the longer it goes on the more painful it will be.
Small children need instant gratification but the distinguishing feature of adulthood is that we can see consequenses of our actions. Even after asking opinions and having the consequenses spelled out, you are trying to justify your actions. Please stop and think because your "lovely" OM is going to be back to make another baby if he can avoid all his responsibilities. I would bet that when the s* hits it he will make himself very scarce and leave you to bear the brunt - oh, and leave your DCs in a very vulnerable place with nobody to rely on.
How can this be fair on them?

I think fathers deceived like this should be able to sue for the child suppor they've paid. The decption is morally wrong and arguablly illegal and the emotional damage to chidlren when and if they find out is very bad. Secrets have a habit of comnig out and children prefer to know from a young age.

but you said the DNA test was inconclusive about teh first child. So was that a test on the husband or the lover or might it be someone else's again? You can do sibling tets too although they aer more expensive - test both chidlren to see if theya re full siblings or half siblings.

As soon as they nee3d a blood test or there is a medical emergency situation or someone finds out the children will know anyway and they tend to be happier if they know from a younger age than when theyr'e older.

How can you take the risk of them not finding out by accident? All the odds are against it. If the "adults all talk about it and decide how to tell the children and give them all the support and love they can to come to terms with it, how can this be worse than finding out and believing they have been pawns in a game where self serving adults use each other and their offspring for short term gain?