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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

'The Other Woman'....

164 replies

TheOtherWoman · 17/01/2009 23:48

Is there anyone else out there that's a mistress? And is quite happy just being 'the other woman'?

Before anyone says anything, i'm not a troll, i'm a regular that changed their name to protect myself.

I'm a single mum, and have been seeing a lovely bloke on and off for the past five years, and he is my childrens father. I'm under no illusions - he's not going to leave his wife and kids, and i don't want him to. I wouldn;t ask nor expect him to. We've tried several times to end our relationship, but we keep coming back to each other - it's like a moth to a flame.

So, are there any other happy mistresses out there?

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 18/01/2009 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

preggydonuts · 18/01/2009 20:49

I don't blame her.... I blame him and yes I do accept responsibility to.
I don't think I have failed morals.....
I don't think oldraver meant wives push them into it. I think she was offering support when attacks were personal.
Its a bit odd poster hasn't said anything else.....

macdoodle · 18/01/2009 20:50

"wives push them into it" OMG do you hear yourself do you really ????

MarlaSinger · 18/01/2009 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deemented · 18/01/2009 20:53

Well, to be honest, if i were her, pd, i'd be a bit afraid to! The way some people have ripped into her, understandably maybe, but it's made for uncomfortable reading nonetheless. We none of us are perfect and have to live by the choices we make.

preggydonuts · 18/01/2009 20:55

That wasn't said........
I think the sentiment was confused....
Sorry if I upset you macdoodle

macdoodle · 18/01/2009 20:55

uggh sorry Marla misread that - no I see you were being sracastic and preggy apologies too thought you said push them into it - ughh sorry all thread to close to home - am really going to hide it now not good for me tara !!!

MarlaSinger · 18/01/2009 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macdoodle · 18/01/2009 20:58

oh and best of luck to preggy and OP - I honestly do feel the men are the bastards in this truly (though it took me a very long time to reach this stage) - not you or the children and FWIW though I have no relationship with the exOW - my daughters DO have a realtionship with their half sister

Lilyloo · 18/01/2009 21:00

I guess these threads are always going to upset people and op's should take that into consideration when posting them.

This thread is very different though given the amount of lies this relationship is based on above the norm , it really is incredulous!

I hope op reads this thread back.

Affairs damage people be it children , wives etc!
Happiness

HolyGuacamole · 18/01/2009 21:01

Oh yes, OP hasn't posted since and everyone else is up in arms because of 'some man' somewhere.

Let the OP come back on and say something otherwise it is wasted breath?

preggydonuts · 18/01/2009 21:03

Thats comforting to know. I am hoping that will happen in my case.
I am truly sorry if I have upset you. I am done with causing anyone else any more pain. Thats why I am not continuing anything and have blocked him completely.......
Time to grow up and look forward.....

LIZS · 18/01/2009 21:13

I wonder if you are his only OW ?

wannaBe · 18/01/2009 21:13

I think these happy mistresses are a lot more common than we realize. But they don't come out and admit it because of the reactions of others.

MIL has an auntie who was the other woman for over 40 years, and they had a child together. I don't know the ins and outs of it tbh. All I know is that she was a single parent in a time when being a single parent was frowned upon by society, she had to invent a married name when going into the hospital to give birth because apparently hospitals were known to refuse to treat single parents or to strongly encourage them to give up their babies. She saw him once a week. He did actually try to leave his wife for her, but his wife was mentally unstable (no not the old clichet she really was) and threatened to kill herself and their children if he ever left her (this was apparently confirmed by his children after his wife's death).

And so they lived this life for all those years. And although his children knew that she had a child, they never knew she was their sibling - even to this day.

When his wife died they never changed the dinamic of their relationship. I guess they'd lived that life for so long that going into a cohabiting situation would just have been alien to the both of them.

She could have had so much more of a life as someone's wife, and yet she chose not to (she broke off an engagement because of this man). She and his children are now very close, they know that she was in their father's life for all these years, and they do know what went on at home and so are perhaps more understanding than many children of someone who cheated on their mother might be.

While in the eyes of society what they did was wrong, the reality is that they fell in love at a time when they were not free to be together. Maybe they should never have pursued their relationship. But is it for us to decide that he should have stayed in an unhappy marriage with no other comfort for years and that she should have walked away from the love of her life?

Perhaps what they did was wrong, but tbh I can't look at him as a bastard and her as a home-wrecking bitch.

Xenia the David Blunkett affair was far more complicated than people will ever know. But obviously I can't really say anything about that on here...

TheOtherWoman · 18/01/2009 21:27

I'm sorry that my post has upset so many of you - that wasn't my intention at all and i apologise.

Firstly, with reguards to my children - i would much rather them know the man named on the birth certificate as their father. He has raised them with love, cares for them and is the best possible person to be their daddy. Yes, he made a very stupid mistake in hitting me once - it was a spur of the moment thing after i told him i wanted our relationship to end, and i will never put myself in the position that he could do it again. As it stands now, we have a good relationship, he sees the children regularly and they dote on each other. He thinks of them as his and i have no plans to change this. WRT my lover... well.. my kids don't know him, have never had any kind of contact with him, i ask for nothing for them from him, and we are both quite happy with that.

I know this is an unusual set up, but i am quite happy with things the way they are. I see my lover perhaps once or twice a month, and it works for us. As i said previously if his wife were ever to confront me with it, i wouldn't deny it, but it is his lookout as to what he tells her - that part of it has nothing to do with me. I guess that makes me a heartless cow, but it's just the way things are.

OP posts:
Lilyloo · 18/01/2009 21:34

However if she tells your children ??????????

bronze · 18/01/2009 21:38

"We split up 10 months ago because he was violent towards me and I won't take that from anyone" ??

TheOtherWoman · 18/01/2009 21:38

She doesn't know me, or my children. If she does comment about my children then i intend to tell her they are my ex husbands.

OP posts:
TheOtherWoman · 18/01/2009 21:39

Yes, that's right bronze. He hit me once. I wouldn't give him the oppertunity to do it twice.

OP posts:
nkf · 18/01/2009 21:44

Well, everyone defines happiness differently and you seem to have decided that what you have makes you happy. I would hate it but that's not what you were asking...

bronze · 18/01/2009 21:46

"Yes, he made a very stupid mistake in hitting me once - it was a spur of the moment thing after i told him i wanted our relationship to end,"

Oh well can't be bothered to argue.
Just wonder if hes another casualty in whats going to be a very horrible (though happy for you at the moment) affair

preggydonuts · 18/01/2009 21:51

I must admit I thought my life was complicated!
Its the individuals choice though and what works for you.

Lilyloo · 18/01/2009 21:52

TOW but she will quickly get to know about you and your children if this all came out.
As you said you wouldn't deny it.
She would only need to sow a seed of doubt in your childrens mind.
Would all the rest of his family continue to delude your children then ?
Would any other siblings seek to find the truth ?
I fear you haven't thought the repurcussions of the fall out of this through. Especially for your children.
You may feel like ou are in contorl of this siutation however i fear the rug is very easily pulled from under you!!

fuzzywuzzy · 18/01/2009 22:06

As someone who has had an ex cheat on me I take it very personally when someone calls into question what I did to make ex cheat. He was/is a person with no morals, a money grabbing, lying, cheating, violent, evil twunt who'll prolly be spreading disgusting diseases around the women who do sleep with him.

I have a job, so couldn't have been my boring conversation , I also cooked three course meals in the evening (every freaking evening), made him hot breakfasts everyday, packed lunches for him, took care of his children, and kept a pretty near immaculate house, he never contributed to anything, I helped him reach the position he is in professionally etc.

I do blame the other woman for knowingly entering into a relationship with a man who she knew was married and had children, I also am very grateful to the OW, as she's the reason he is no longer in my life, I'm pretty sure she has got exactly what she deserves, ex!

Oh ex's reason for being a prick was that apparently I am ugly.... however, as I've not been short of offers since ex has left, and I'm not even looking, I'd say ex's assessment on my looks was a little incorrect.

This is a forum with mothers, most in relationship, of course it's going to get personal when people brag about their infidelity with married men/women. Read the relationship section and see just how gut wrenchingly painful it is for the wives and children stranded in the mess created by unfaithful spouses.

Sure grown people should be allowed to screw whomsoever they wish, equally partners of these grown people should be allowed to know they are not the only partners in these relationships and make their own informed decisions as to whether they'd like to be the household drudge of these people. Because really imo, if you screw him, you also wash his dirty socks!

OP whatever you do, lying to your children about their parentage is utterly hideous, and it's not like their fake father is someone to look up to!

McMamazon · 18/01/2009 22:09

so this lovely wonderfull man you love so much has fathered your children but has nothing to do with them and he's happy abtou this?
he is happy that essentially another man acts as their father?

i simply cannot imagine any man who would be happy for that to happen unless he is a total and utter tosser!

you both deserve each other but your kids deserve a great deal better.

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