'The Other Woman'....

[TheOtherWoman]

Is there anyone else out there that's a mistress? And is quite happy just being 'the other woman'?

Before anyone says anything, i'm not a troll, i'm a regular that changed their name to protect myself.

I'm a single mum, and have been seeing a lovely bloke on and off for the past five years, and he is my childrens father. I'm under no illusions - he's not going to leave his wife and kids, and i don't want him to. I wouldn;t ask nor expect him to. We've tried several times to end our relationship, but we keep coming back to each other - it's like a moth to a flame.

So, are there any other happy mistresses out there?

Poor wife.

Shame on his family for knowing about you and not telling his wife or making him tell his wife.

Your poor children, they will resent you for this.

Maybe not right now, but at some point in the future, this can of worms will explode.

Of course he and the wife are having problems. Isn't that most mens excuse for having an affair?

This man has so much in his favour it is actually unbelievable. A wife who at this moment does not know about his affair. A family who do know and are willing to keep it secret. A mistress who will not only keep it secret, but who will shelter his secret children from the truth of their origin and not expect anything in the way of responsibility or fatherhood. His behaviour knows no consequence, therefor it continues unabated.

He is an absolute disgrace and you (as well as his family) are fully enabling him to lead this awful shady, double life.

bean, no his wife doesn't know. I think she found out 5 or 6 years ago and then he "ended it" but then resumed after a year.So I suppose it's possible she knows but turns a blind eye. What fascinates me in my friend's case is his mistress is perfectly happy, doesn't want a man around all the time, thinks she gets the best bits of him and none of the domestic toil, is very happy. I could never be content just with that. rather be single than just have a little bit of someone. He regards himself as very fortunate.

Someone else I spoke to last year was telling me that he has a very long term very rich married mistress. He is "out" even to her family and children and welcomed at family events, even Christmas but in his case the impression I got was he did want a bit more of her than just that. her husband knows and tolerates it. That is quite rare.

totally and uttrly bizarre - if you are so bloody happy and satisfied why are you boasting here
to boast?? for validation?? for reassurance? you get none of those from me - applaing behaviour from him, you, and his family appalling !!

I suspect there aren't that many people that people like this can talk to about it hence perhaps why my friend has talked to me about it, although I k now he and the mistress do see some friends together. That must be bizarre. I think they have a separate group of friends who obviously don't nkow his wife.

I just don't see how people can accept this. David Blunkett accepted it as the other man and even h ad a child with his married lover which her husband accepted. Why accept second best? Is it because people haev low self esteem and think they can't find someone entireyl for themselves? I'm single and married men do contact me and I reject them. I'd rather be on my own than someone's bit on the side. I've had some interesting exchanges of emails on the subject.

god xenia I wasnt talking to or about you - was adressing the OP who has posted here for some reason ?? Was wondering what it was as she is clearly so comfortable with the web of deceit and lies that she has spun!

It's all okay and then you think about the dcs. What are you teaching your dcs? That a life of deceit is okay? That alowing a person to have more than one partner is okay?
It's easy not to judge you, it's not for me to do so, but just as easy to see the damage it could have for your dcs.
Why would you want a violent ex to think he is the father of the dcs? What if he wants custody?

Well you can all share the disease that these lies may well contain.

I have to go and have more tests for cervical cancer - which probably came from my h mistress . And may well have been spread onto her, her h mistress, and anyone else in our web of deciet too.

But i wont tell if you wont - we may well meet in the clinic together. Surely that will be best for everyone in the long run????
After all I was not her responsibilty after all???

Sorry rant over. Can you tell i am feeling bitter at the moment?

Oh how nice - you're happy. How good for you.

You are seeing a lovely bloke?!

I can think of many words to describe him but lovely is not one of them.

How nice - you are happy and totally in the picture about what's going on.

He is happy - having his cake and eating it.

Surely his wife deserves to know the truth and be able to make her own decision about this 'lovely' bloke too??

Oh no sorry, you're happy, he's happy - who gives a shit about his wife.

And as for the children...

macd, I know. I am just interested in why men and women accept being the other woman/other man/bit on the side and I think life is a lot more complicated than everyone marries and lives happily ever after (25% of men and women apparently have affairs) but I still don't think I could ever accept part of someone like this.

And the sexual diseases point is valid too because I would doubt most of these people use condoms and how can the mistress how the lover's wife doesn't have 50 lovers adn take drugs? Why do they accept the assurances? They're risking getting something which could mean they're not around for their children too. All so messy.

Hmm - felt I had to come back to this one.....

I would totally agree about the children needing to know exactly who their father is - bugger the adults! Every child has the right to know their heritage and if you are keeping that from them then either there is going to be one big firework to go off in the future or you are giving these children a false life. At the moment they think they are related to one set of relatives when actually they have a whole new family they know nothing about.

Just suppose, and I know it is a really big suppose, but humour me here.......When your children get older and start relationships with others, what happens if they meet their half-siblings but dont know who they are!!! What are you going to do then.

Well Jonathan Aitken's twin daughters mixed in the same social circles as the daughter he never had by Khashoggi I think and they met, were stunend by how similar all 3 of them looked, had a blood test and discovered their half sister. It's probably unlikely though that you'd get an incest result so I wouldn't haev that at the top of the list of concerns. i do think children have a human right to know their parentage - their genetic parentage.

it was Jimmy Goldsmith who said if you marry your mistress (as he did) you create a vacancy and he had two families in Richmond and in Paris and children with both. That artist Freud - he had various women and children. people do it even women do but it's complicated and not how most people wan tto live a life.

oh dear baffy - you too feeling a bit jadded at the moment - do join me. But totally agree.

The wife is probably some silly bint anyway -why on earth would anyone give her a second thought?? Thats her lookout surely?

Its every man for himself - as long as you are happy what else matters?

Xenia - messy - good word for it.

But we are but mere humans - lets just do what we are put on this earth for. Sex must be the answer - what else is there.

Or should we really care about our fellow humans - whoever they are??? Unless they are the wife or family of our lover??

Why the "on and off" for five years - you both sound very weak actually ending it and restarting this affair again. Think you are selling yourself short. You also only have his side of the story and he could well be seeing other women besides you.

Are you certain these children are actually by this man rather than your ex H?. What if you are actually wrong?.

Secrets do have a nasty habit of being exposed. One day your children could actually demand a DNA test to determine their parentage; the truth will out then. Keeping their true parentage from them will do them immense emotional harm, they certainly won't thank you if they only find out via a DNA test.

OP - you sound so full of bravado, yet there is an underlying tone that makes me think you're not as happy as you'd lead people to think. It would be so easy to criticise you, to jump on the bandwagon and tell you what a bad person you are, what you're doing is a disgrace and that you should be ashamed of yourself, but i kind of get the feeling that perhaps you know that anyway - why else would you start a thread like this?

Reading between the lines, i think perhaps you have a lot of self esteem issues, that because you've been in a violent relationship in the past you are clinging to anything/anyone that shows you a bit of love and kindness and doesn't hurt you. Yes, you say that you don't mind your lover going back to his wife, but i suspect that it may leave you feeling empty and used every time he does?

As for he being the father of your children - well... there must be many people out there that have different DNA to the person that's named as father on their birth certificate. It's up to you if you ever tell them the truth, but how long can you keep the lie up for?

I'm a firm believer that you don't know someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes... and whilst what the OP is doing may be morally unacceptable to many people... i really do think there is more to this then she lets on.

What a ticking time bomb waiting for everyone to get hurt. Mainly the innocent.
I wish I could tell the wife so that she doesn't find out in another then years and then wish that she hadn't wasted her life on a weak man

*ten

I do think thats good advice deemented. No one knows what life brings or who or why.
I could look round the playground at the yummy's who turn their noses up at me and tell you something about 95% of them. Fraud, affairs, deceit. Very few are perfect....

Of course we should care, OW. In the sumemr someone who was supposedly divorced with 2 children at university was in touch we lots 0 just by phone and email. Then he told me in fact he had 2 very young children and a new partner. it was incredibly off putting and ought to have been disclosed immediately. That was it for me. I wouldn't want to break up someone's family and I certainly don't want to be a bit on the side. I'm just interested in why some women do accept it (and men). is it because they can't find anyone who will give them 100% of them or do they want 10% of someone who is wonderful rather than 100% of some out of work very boring person which is the only person they could otherwise get or are they just unable to resist pressure put on them by the married lover? The spouse usualy blames the other woman/man because they love their own spouse so don't like to think they are to blame, want to put all the blame on the spouse's lover but that's not often right either. If the married spouse wouldn't play around then the unmarried lover would never have got involved.

I do understand though and lots of woman do it.
I am not saying what she has done re the children is right but perhaps she feels she is in a situation she can't control or has gone to far.
I have had some great advice on here but I do think if people feel that strongly that they become totally condemning without any advice they should leave the thread....
She might be very down and depressed and just looking to engage.
Just my opinion......

And for the record I put up with it for two main reasons.

1. The time I spent with him was amazing. We just clicked in all ways.
2. I don't like being with someone twenty four seven. I feel suffocated. Doesn't matter who they are.