'The Other Woman'....

[TheOtherWoman]

Is there anyone else out there that's a mistress? And is quite happy just being 'the other woman'?

Before anyone says anything, i'm not a troll, i'm a regular that changed their name to protect myself.

I'm a single mum, and have been seeing a lovely bloke on and off for the past five years, and he is my childrens father. I'm under no illusions - he's not going to leave his wife and kids, and i don't want him to. I wouldn;t ask nor expect him to. We've tried several times to end our relationship, but we keep coming back to each other - it's like a moth to a flame.

So, are there any other happy mistresses out there?

< applauds fuzzy >

It's more complex sometimes than that the wife or husband who cheats is to blame. Certainly they are and could stop themselves but that doesn't mean there was no wrong on the part of their wife or husband. Perhaps they weren't getting regular or good sex. Perhaps the spouse had put on 4 stone. Perhaps the spouse never had a good word to say for them etc etc.

The person I know is actualyl very happy with his wife, loves her very much, treats her very well and he's very happy with his mistress. They meet once a week but have a lot of contact in between times. There's a lot more of this kind of thing goes on than people admit to as most women tend not to show off about having it off with a married man on a long term basis.

(on the David Blunkett affair yes would be good to know more details.. I know he changed the law to allow a father to challenge the paternity of a married woman's child with the woman's marriage which to my mind is right and is consistent with the views on this thread that however complex children have a right to know they aren't their father's child and then his lover's wife seems to have accepted the child).

Thanks OP for appology because you touched a raw nerve with many people on here who have been betrayed, but what about the people in your RL who are being betrayed - what will you say in the face of their pain?
I think it is inevitable that one day you will be held to account by your children. Whatever line you trot out in your denial it will only hurt them more.
Sorry for being so brutally honest, but I think you need to wake up to the fact that someday you will have to eat humble pie.

I read this thread with some saddness. My H cheated on me and left after I found out and asked him to go. Both him and his father seem to think that this was due to my 'shortcomings' as a wife. No doubt the OW thinks the same. I did personally flame the OW - on another thread and never regretted a word of what I told her. I am re building my life as a LP and quite honestly feel much happier without him as he was a serial adulterer. I firmly believe that in Karma and 'what goes around'so good luck to them all.....

Also I don't know how anyone can ever trust a serial adulterer even if he leaves his wife (or she leaves her husband) for their lover. You'd never believe a word they said because you know they are inveterate liars.

I don't beleive you can be happy having your children think that a man you don't love is their father, when the man you do love is.

I blame the man, and maybe his mum too. I think if my DH had an affair he would rather tell me than his mum.

"Perhaps the spouse had put on 4 stone" and thats a fuckign excuse.

Sorry should they have added for fatter for thinner into the vows too.
If sex isn't how you would like it, you talk abotu it go and seek help you don;t just go off and shag someone else. What the hell has happened to working at marriages before the end is called except in these cases its never called.

Gosh what a nightmarish web of deceit.

What exactly do you want from this thread, OP?

Going back to the OP's original post, people do quite often live happily for years in situations where one parter is married to someone else, mainly because the unmarried partner can just take off at his/her convenience. When the adulterous (I am using the word strictly in the legal sense) relationship has produced children, though, there's an immediate timebo,b. Which may not go off until those children are of an age to have children of their own, but sooner or later it will go off.
Now I am someone who was adopted as a baby of 3 weeks and has never bothered to trace my birth parents (and yes I have had a thread or two on here whining bout the possibility of doing so, but I've always bottled it). Adults who were adopted as children, when we encounter one another, we do tend to scoot off into a corner and bond, at least temporarily, and discuss out own stories and our views on genetics, biology and family. So I hve met quite a few adults, in my own adulthood, whose family dynamics were different from 'mummy and daddy got married and then they had a baby which was you.' And from that I have learned, and will share with the OP, this one very important fact. CHildren can cope just fine with having unusual family circumstances if they know about it. People can do perfectly all right without actually tracing their family trees at all, if they had a good childhood and felt/feel loved by their families of adoption/the people who brought them up. What sends people insane is finding out, in adolescence or later, that they have been lied to about their genetics, their history and their blood relatives
OP honestly, the least awful option right now is to get some counselling in how best to do it and tell your children and their relatives the truth.

OP - you are just a liar on every level. I feel sorry for anyone that is involved with you.
Your poor children.

"Would be like me questioning what you weren't doing to make your husband cheat on you?"

Alot of women who are cheated on think that they must be doing something wrong/haven't been doing somthing & that it is their fault, hundreds of women on here have spent hours reinforcing that this isn't the case & that their husbands simply cannot keep it in their pants!

So, well done, preggydonuts! You have just undone all that! I hope you are happy with yourself!

But then, if that is how you justify your bahaviour, good luck with your delussions!

There is never justification for cheating.

Especially to your own children.

I think it is very very sad - Yes affairs do happen and i am sure for some they are happy about it, but we all seem to be too tolerant imo.
There is enough evidence to show the hurt they cause and yet we as a society seem to think it is none of our bussiness.

Also very sad for the ow to always be second best - who wants a relationship (if that is what she wants to call it) where you cannot reley on him.

I also think any justification of affairs is because we know that it is morally wrong but need to find 'excuses' for it.
I actually think we should toughen up and not accept something we know WILL cause pain somewhere along the line.

What I actually said was if I was attacked personally and told I had major shortcomings etc it would be 'like me' saying what had you not done!
Wish people could read............
Some men are twunts, some fall in love. just don't think its all cut and dried.
And tbh if you are hurting that much stay off the ow thread.......
People have a right to advice regardless.....

You reasons for leaving a spouse or having an affair sound like the talk my father gave me when my (violent, drunk, drug taking, adulaterous) husband and I broke up.

Apparently if a woman leaves her husband she is a slag, if a man leavs his wife it os because she is not being a good wife, getting fat, not shagging her husband as regularly as he likes it, not keeping the house as he wishes and not bringing their children up as he wishes! Sad, archaic, sexist thinking IMO.

That says a lot about my father as he is living in a very sad relationship - he hates his wife (my stepmother), calls her fat, says she is dirty (she is - I was thier cleaner for a while and had to do their washing - first unsticking her used sanitary towels from her knickers that were in the laundry basket!), she dotes on my half brothers but in a way that is unhealthy - letting them do exactly as they want - smoking pot, getting drunk and fighting - anyway I could go on and on.

I am now happy, in a wonderful marraige with a man who talks to me about anything that is wrong in our relationship and who I don't lie to because that is the downfall of any relationship - what you are doing by having a relationship with a man like this is allowing for his dispicable behaviour - the lying, cheating and the problems that will be a skeleton in cupboards for years to come. Your kids parentage will come out oneday and it will be your families dirty little secret that will take years to get over with therapy and family division thrown into the mix.

And your husband lost his temper once, by no means acceptble to hit anyone but in your post you painted him as someone who was a relly bad person when in my mind the true father of your children is far more dispicable - he isn't even man enough to be a father to the children you have had together - he is happy to leave that to someone who is apparently violent! Can you really not see what kind of man he is?

And I don't really think you believe that his wife has driven him to seek a mistress - I don't see you coming out on posts when women on here find thier husbands have been unfaithful blaming them, saying it is their fault for not being a good wife.

You arguements for cheating are flawed because when all is said and done cheating is just lying - it is building something on a lie, so the relationship with the mistress can never be hapy and fulfilled on both sides - nothing that is built on a lie can ever be.

Out of interest what would you do if in 5 years time one of your children needed a transplant? I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it does happen to people. Would you tell them then because they're bound to find out through tests anyway and there couldn't possibly be a worse time to find out your mother has been lying to you.

My uncle died with his daughter never knowing she was his, I can't imagine the hurt and pain when she finds out (it's known by his generation but not her 'father' or her) she even looks like his other daughter. When I met her at 8 I even commented (not knowing anything) that she looked like my cousin!
Never having the chance of a relationship with their birth father is really not a decision a mother can/should make.
I truly believe that you should treat others as you would wish to be treated, it's a pretty good leveller to scrutinize your own behaviour.
To the OP: Would you like to be the wife? Would you like to be your children who are completely disrespected by your own need to be deceitful? Would you like to be your EX paying for children he didn't father?

Your original question? yes, lots of happy mistresses out there ( and the male equivalents)

However that's not the important issue in your siuation.

Lying to your kids about who their father is is a whole other can of worms. Take advice from some wise people an this thread who know a bit about these situations.

out of interest are your lover's mother and grandmother colluding in the deception about your ex allegedly being the father?

OW Just out of interest what sort of man doesn't want his own children to know that he is their father?

good point bronze and also important for lots of other diseases, cancer that runs in families ect.

I know there are lots of children who dont know who their biological father is but surely it is their right to know where they come from.

What seems best now may not be best in the future and i really do fear that there is a huge family fued with lots of potenially angry and hurt people around.

or of course something less drastic - what if they find out they have a different blood group when they go to give blood. I remember i did this and it was interesting to find who i got my genes from.
Hair colour, eye colour, blood group ect.

I cant even begin to imagine keeping something so fundimental from my children unless their was a really really good reason.

sorry , divine, op has good reason, the man s a tosser, shes protecting the kids from knowing that(dont agree with her letting ex-h believe/think hes the kids dad, or the lying to kids, but i understand why she has)poor girl is very confused, she should get rid of the slime bucket, she'd be much better off and happier in long run! for her and kids.(and the mans wife & other kids)

Otherwoman, what if one of your kids grows up, meets and falls in love with one of his kids by his wife?

Well, my M.I.L blamed me for my husbands affair. I was a wicked wife who made him put the bin bags out, wash up and bath the children sometimes. That poor man went to work all day and came home and still had to do stuff. She was a complete witch and her opinion is not uncommon, I expect.I have read that for myself now.

Do you know what? We are together and moving on because he became a grown up. She I will never forgive. Her husband puts the bins out and drys up by the way.

I however, do not blame myself and neither does my DH. I can't get over other women who kick others while they are down.

O.P aren't you scared that this is all' gonna bite you on the bum' at some point ?