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Original poster

My mum has advised me to terminate....... I don't know what to do

139 replies

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 13:46

I don't want to be flamed but would just like some advice. I am a regular.
I am thirteen + weeks with my fourth child which is the product of an affair. My OM has left his wife/ been thrown out twice but has gone back because of the children.
We have been seeing each other regularly still and this week his wife received two phone calls to say I am still in contact with him. He phoned me to say he couldn't see me anymore and when I replied 'ok' said 'don't say that'!
He then said he would text me monday--- he has another phone and email account.
I told him by text that if he blamed me fully for everything I would forward all of his emails and texts. Especially the ones were he promises he will grow old with me and that she will do something stupid if he leaves again.
Anyway my mum called last night to ask me to think again about having the baby. She is worried I am going to crack.
I am just so tired. I do really love him but I can say what he is doing. It just feels so cruel. No one their side knows about the baby I just don't want to put a child through pain because of me.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 17/01/2009 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 17/01/2009 13:53

First of all get rid the of the twanker, honestly you would be so much happier. Even if he does leave his wife and children, how long will it be till he trades you in for an upgrade?

Then you need to sit down and think about what you want. Do you want this baby? Can you cope alone? Because you will be alone. He will not stick around. What will you do when his wife finds out? She will find out.

I'd speak to a consellor tbh, before deciding anything.

moondog · 17/01/2009 13:54

Are you alone?
Where is the father of the other kids?

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 17/01/2009 13:55

Are you single other than this skidmark man?

Lauriefairycake · 17/01/2009 13:57

does your current partner know? is he happy to raise the child with you?

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 13:57

I do want it.
We all live in a small village so I have to see his wife on an almost daily basis.
I am a lot younger and painted as the devil woman.
He works away so that's how I get to see him a lot.
My mum just thinks I am setting myself up for my heartache.
His wife knows about the baby, she offered to pay for a private termination.

OP posts:
Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 13:58

I was married. My dh doesn't want to bring up another mans child. He isn't horrible just doesn't think he can do it.

OP posts:
harleyd · 17/01/2009 13:58

if you want the baby do not be pressured into a termination
you wont ever forgive yourself

LadyLiffey · 17/01/2009 13:59

If that's you SP, although I don't normally suggest that people abort their babies, if you were my sister, I would probably suggest that you think about a termination.

This is SO complicated. Unless you feel strong enough to start again, not just are you strong enough, but financially? is it possible?

If it is, and you are in a positive state of mind and you have the support of your family, then by all means, have this fourth baby.

BUT...... if you aren't 100% sure you can be a single mum to four children, aren't sure that you have the support of your Mum and your friends, and if you are still this uncertain whether to OM is really there for you or not...then really I would consider a termination in your shoes. Ihate to say that to you because I wish I could think of a better happier ending.

Your OM had a bit of excitement, and paid the price for it, his wife KNOWS and he STILL went back to her. He had his chance to start again with you and he has not taken it.

If you were my friend I would be there for you. Do you other people in your life who could support you besides your mum? If you have this termination to please your husband do you think you can go back to playing happy family?

Don't have the termination for your husband, or for your Mum. Have the baby if you feel positive and strong enough and able to cope, practically, emotionally, financially..

GL

xxxx

wannaBe · 17/01/2009 14:00

the two issues are separate.

The OM is married, he has gone back to his wife, and therefore you have no right pursuing a relationship with him. That's not a judgement on you having had an affair with him and getting pregnant, you know it's wrong but it's done now and there's no point casting opinions on what's in the past, as long as you know what you need to do in the future.

As for the baby, if you want to keep it, then you should do what you want, regardless of where this man fits into your life. You can't just terminate a pregnancy because the man didn't come through for you, he was married, realistically he was never going to be yours anyway.

If you have a termination then it should be because you don't feel you can have/want another baby, not because of the baby's parentage.

moondog · 17/01/2009 14:00

Blimey,how and why did you get yourself in this mess?
How old is he?
How old are you?

NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 14:00

Lovie

Don't listen to your mum. Listen to your heart.

LadyLiffey · 17/01/2009 14:01

ps, sorry if that sounded very negative, I'm a single mum to two, and it is not only posssible but I am happy and the children are happy. Children are always a blessing and nobody ever regrets a child once it has arrived. SO, I'm sorry if my post was very negative.

Scum · 17/01/2009 14:02

LadyL's post sounds wise to me. Sorry you're having such a tough time, pd.

LadyLiffey · 17/01/2009 14:04

ps, if that's you sp, glad that your husband has at least nailed his colours to the mast and spoken to you. At least you know his 'position' now.

There are other villages you know!!! You are the centre of you and your children's lives. Don't feel that you can't start all over again in another place.

I started all over again in a new town and it was NOT as hard as I thought it would be.

wannaBe · 17/01/2009 14:05

ah you're married. In which case I think that puts things in a different light tbh.

Assuming your dh is prepared to forgive you and rebuild your marriage (without the baby) then I think you owe it to him and your other children to have a termination. This isn't about just what you want. This is about destroying your other children's lives because you were unable to be faithful to their father and ended up pregnant.

NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 14:07

it doesn't feel right (to me) to teminate a pregnancy to save a marriage that was over anyway tbh.

LadyLiffey · 17/01/2009 14:10

I don't think it would save the marriage. JMO
If you want the baby and terminate for your husband, you'll be unable to curtail your resentment, anger and sadness.

You may have agreed to terminate as part of a deal to win his forgiveness and he may still be unable to forgive.

I think, when you make the decision to keep the baby or not, you have to take BOTH these men out of the equation totally.

poshsinglemum · 17/01/2009 14:11

If you want the baby, keep the baby. I did despite bad circumstances and I don't regret it. I love her to bits and I'm very happy. Happier than I ever was with him.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 17/01/2009 14:11

wannaBe you usually post quite sensible and very good advise but I am confused by your last post?

How would having a fourth baby as a single mum be destroying her childrens lives? I assume she would not stop them seeing their father?

Surely giving into pressure and having an abortion she may ned up regretting to go back to a man she wasn't happy with in the first place, thus resulting in her being in a very bad place will be more damaging to the children?

Preggy love, ditch the man and go see your gp and ask to be refered to some one who can speak to you about this. You need to do what is right for you. What your mum and your husband want is not relevant. You and you alone will have to live with descion. So you need to make sure that it is the right one, for you

harleyd · 17/01/2009 14:13

i completely disagree with you wannabe

she doesnt 'owe' it to anyone to have a termination

a marriage breakdown doesnt mean the kids lives are destroyed
a new baby would not mean the kids lives are destroyed

LadyLiffey · 17/01/2009 14:13

I agree with SheSells, you could really benefit from a session with a counsellor.

Well done love, this is a bugger's muddle as my granddad would have said. You need a crutch to get through it. You WILL.

Lauriefairycake · 17/01/2009 14:13

Are you and your dh planning to stay together? Is he also one of the ones who wants you to have a termination?

wannaBe · 17/01/2009 14:25

it will destroy her children's lives if the marriage breaks down because of this affair. If the marriage is over anyway, that is to say if the op and her dh are no longer living together and op doesn't actually want to fix things, then of course only she has to live with the consequences of what she has done. But if they are working at the marriage, then yes, I think having a termination is the best option. Having an affair is bad enough, there are enough posts from women on these boards to give only a slight indication of the hurt affairs cause, expecting your husband to get over the affair and yet live with it every day for the rest of his life by raising the OM's child is selfish and unreasonable in the extreme.

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 14:27

My xdh hasn't asked me to have a termination. He has just been honest about how he feels about bringing up om's child. The wife has been to see him and explained they both want me to have a termination. I had to let my xdh read my phone to show that om had never said this to me.
I could move. Wife has offered to pay for me to go. My mum thinks this is completely wrong though, that they are trying to isolate me.
I am a good mum and I haven't destroyed my childrens lives. My xdh and I share the children and actively support each other.
Lady liffey I don't think you were negative just realistic as was my mum.She is just worried.
I just feel ill with the pressure at the moment.

OP posts:
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