Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum has advised me to terminate....... I don't know what to do

139 replies

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 13:46

I don't want to be flamed but would just like some advice. I am a regular.
I am thirteen + weeks with my fourth child which is the product of an affair. My OM has left his wife/ been thrown out twice but has gone back because of the children.
We have been seeing each other regularly still and this week his wife received two phone calls to say I am still in contact with him. He phoned me to say he couldn't see me anymore and when I replied 'ok' said 'don't say that'!
He then said he would text me monday--- he has another phone and email account.
I told him by text that if he blamed me fully for everything I would forward all of his emails and texts. Especially the ones were he promises he will grow old with me and that she will do something stupid if he leaves again.
Anyway my mum called last night to ask me to think again about having the baby. She is worried I am going to crack.
I am just so tired. I do really love him but I can say what he is doing. It just feels so cruel. No one their side knows about the baby I just don't want to put a child through pain because of me.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 19:39

maybe.......
not trying to be selfish. I have my reasons for wanting to stay. An asd child for starters. I don't want their money or anything. And i will front it out. Like you said she is married to him. I know its sounds harsh but I think I have to be. We have both made our beds and have to lie in them. I can just make the choice that its not occasionally with her husband.
And to quote om ' she doesn't mind me supporting you just probably didn't mean naked'
I know I sound bitchy, cold and nasty but its how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 19:41

Thats why my mum is worried. I have a serious illness and am not supposed to get stressed. Will consider break....

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:48

Preggy try not to get bitter. It is not her fault. She did choose to marry him and for some people the weight of those vows is just too great to leave, no matter what. You have not been involved in his life for that long and you are incredibly confused so she must be a wreck. You need to not think about either of them any more at all. It is not helping you - you will end up really not liking anyone much, yourself included. I am worried about your health. Please, please try to think about the break, sooner rather than later. Space is a marvellous remedy.

what2donow · 17/01/2009 19:49

I dont think you should feel forced to move away. You didn't create this situation alone.

A couple of days away from it all might do you good though , and give you some thinking and breathing space.

beanieb · 17/01/2009 20:04

how much time do you have to decide?

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 20:08

Am trying not to get bitter.
I know it sounds clinical but generally I am ok with the situation. I see him maybe once or twice a week.
Its just for the third time when she has got wind he denies me and acts like someone I don't know.
I just know it can't carry on and I will leave him alone for good.
Just don't feel great. Panicked all the time and trying to find a way through it...

OP posts:
Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 20:10

I am quite 'fortunate' in that they would agree up to limit because of medical reasons. Just not something I want to do. She has said she will pay for me to go private....

OP posts:
ZZZen · 17/01/2009 20:14

preggydonuts if this thread makes you feel worse, leave it

As I see it, four adults (including you) have already been badly hurt. I think your ex is extremely hurt and it sounds like OM's wife has been hurt badly for years. You are hurt and I think even OM is. Your 3 kids have been through the break-up of your marriage, OMs kids are picking up at least on the tension at home and their dad being thrown out or leaving twice.

There has to be an end to all this somehow. For now, I would try to concentrate hard on protecting your baby who is in no way to blame for any of this. If OMs wife calls again, why can't you gently tell her the truth and if she goes mad, say "I'm sorry for all the hurt to you and your kids but I have to hang up now" and put the phone down. Other than that , keep away from them and keep yourself as calm and strong as you can. Your baby doesn't start experiencing things when he/she is born, your baby is going through all your emotions right now with you as you go through them - sadness, anger etc all that.

Have a little think and try to give your baby a calm mum to live in till s/he arrives, be honest to OM that you are keeping the baby and keeping away from a relationship with him but you welcome him as a father to your dc; tell his wife if she calls the truth if she asks, apologise and tell her that you will not be continuing the relationship but you are keeping the baby.

Tell ex that you are keeping the baby, not maintaining the relationship to OM and apologise for the hurt to him and reassure him that you want him as your dc's dad in your lives and you'll do what you can to make him feel welcome.

Then get into preparing in a positive way forthe coming of dc number 4. You have some time to get emotions sorted and calmness back in the picture before the birth but you have to make up your mind to do it and then buckle down to being consistent with it

That is what I would try to do

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 20:23

i second zzzen. I wouldnt tell wife but you seriously cannot engage in any more discussion with her. She is wrong to try to persuade you to take abortion - it is in her interests and whilst i understand how she must feel you cant be influence by her at all. This is your decision.

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 20:25

ZZZen thats really good advice that I think I will follow.
I am not a nasty person. I do feel compassion. I have become someone I hardly recognise and it hurts.
I will concentrate on my baby and my lovely children. She is a very good mum so I know our respective children will be fine.
I will block him and concentrate on what I do have...........

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 20:28

Is there anyone remote from all of this who can support you going forward. You are going to be under intense pressure and I would hate to think of you going through it alone - can anyone support you without condemning or commenting??? You have such a lot on, I just feel you need it - even if it is someone like homestart to give you a hand with the kids a couple of hours a week.

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 20:34

I am ok. Tbh its when I don't have the kids that I find it hard. Feel lonely and upset and very hormonal. Luckily I work all week so am quite often too busy to do anything. He emails me at work and texts but I just have to be strong and ignore him.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 20:46

Is there any way that you can ask discreetly to have your work email address changed - I assume that is what he is using. It is incredibly hard i knwo but i think changing your contact details will give him the strongest possible message that you are serious. It does not have to be forever and when the baby is born if you want him to be involved reinitiate contact but for your own sake please try and remove yourself from the situation for now.

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 20:54

Its my home email address. Not sure if I can block him totally. Know I need to send him the strongest possible message..... Its just a lot to deal with.

OP posts:
rusmum · 17/01/2009 21:53

This is YOUR baby- you must do what youfel right!!!

If you want this baby then have it- but for you (dont expect him to help). You will love it anyway and have a new, different life.

If you dont want it- that too id YOUR choice.

OrmIrian · 17/01/2009 22:00

Do what is right for you and your children.

If your lover has chosen his wife over you, the decision is yours alone. He has no right to dictate. Nor has your mother,.

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 22:14

No he doesn't although he tries....
I will see what he says monday. He sent me an email in the week saying he was happy as long as I was and he will always love me...
It was drivel really.... lots of you make the decisions and I will remain on the sidelines.

OP posts:
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 09:38

How are you feeling this morning?

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 18/01/2009 10:02

I would advise, as others have done, cutting all contact with this wanky man for the moment and if his wife calls, either don't answer (ie let the answerphone pick up) or if she catches you, just say 'I have nothing to say to you' and put the phone down. She's decided to cling on to her tosspot of a husband who has cheated on her before, and and to blame and harass you for the wrongs he has done her. Some women just refuse to blame men for anything and she sounds like one of them. They probably deserve each other: both sound self-obsessed and manipulative, it's unfortunate you got mixed up with them.
If you want your baby, have your baby. DOn't move if you don't want to. If anyone says anything unkind to you about the affair with Wanky, just shrug and say 'Tell him. He started it.' and walk away. It will die down in the end (probaby because Wanky will start an affair with someone else and probably impregnante her too. Is he the sort who thinks that using contraception spoils his --enjoyment- the 'romance of the moment', as well?)

beanieb · 18/01/2009 10:54

On the contrary, just because she has decided to stay with him (the wife) doesn't mean she isn't blaming him.

I think the OP will have to accept that if she has the baby the OM will always be in her child's life (unless he's an utter heartless bastard) as he will want contact with the child and will basically be unable to avoid it if no one moves. That goes for his wife too. They are in the OPs life for good, the OP just has to learn to disentangle herself from the whole affair and accept defeat. The OM obviously will never leave his wife.

nappyaddict · 18/01/2009 11:26

You seem to want this baby so I don't think you should terminate.

  1. If OM wants nothing to do with this baby to save his marriage it's not the end of the world. There are plenty of happy children and mothers out there without the father's involvement.

  2. Neither you or OM can be happy in your marriages else you wouldn't have had an affair would you. Staying together for the children is often much worse for the children in the long run. Most children would much prefer to live in a calm, happy house and see their parents seperately than all live together in a chatoic house full of arguing and bickering.

kizzib · 18/01/2009 11:34

I can see where your mum is coming from. If you have the baby, you will never be free of this man or his family. Your child will grow up confused, especially if he/she meets her siblings/his wife, think of the hatred or whatever he/she may experience. I personally wouldn't do that to my child. You could have the baby without telling him, but I think that's unlikely. You could come to an agreement where he has no contact, but again, I don't think he would do that.

Original poster
preggydonuts · 18/01/2009 16:53

Thanks for the messages. I feel quite good today. I am cutting all contact and if I do have to speak to him about the baby well thats months ahead. Its not necessary till then and I imagine I will feel very differently about him.
I don't mind in some respects being the other woman but won't be the other mug. I need to regain control. I can see whats happening but sometimes rightly or wrongly I find it very difficult to pull away.
I will love my new baby the same as I love the others and it will be a welcome addition.
I am sorry if I offended anyone talking about his wife. I am aware of his faults and I know she is. She is ok with ow in general just not one where she lives. I suppose from his point of view why rock the boat when you can have everything? I know it has to be me to distance myself and focus on the welfare of all my children and my health.

OP posts:
NewAmazingBeginning · 18/01/2009 17:38

Here's to you feeling stronger and it lasting!

(have emailed you PD)

prettyfly1 · 18/01/2009 17:44

Preggy - so good to hear you sounding a bit stronger today - you didnt offend anyone sweets - i think it was more concern that whilst you defend him you risk going back to him that saw a couple of us want to be a bit straighter with you. The next few months are all about you and your baby so do what you can to move on as much as possible - take any help offered although i suspect you are a very strong woman and be kind to yourself.