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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum has advised me to terminate....... I don't know what to do

139 replies

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 13:46

I don't want to be flamed but would just like some advice. I am a regular.
I am thirteen + weeks with my fourth child which is the product of an affair. My OM has left his wife/ been thrown out twice but has gone back because of the children.
We have been seeing each other regularly still and this week his wife received two phone calls to say I am still in contact with him. He phoned me to say he couldn't see me anymore and when I replied 'ok' said 'don't say that'!
He then said he would text me monday--- he has another phone and email account.
I told him by text that if he blamed me fully for everything I would forward all of his emails and texts. Especially the ones were he promises he will grow old with me and that she will do something stupid if he leaves again.
Anyway my mum called last night to ask me to think again about having the baby. She is worried I am going to crack.
I am just so tired. I do really love him but I can say what he is doing. It just feels so cruel. No one their side knows about the baby I just don't want to put a child through pain because of me.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 18:19

I have emailed you

beanieb · 17/01/2009 18:22

I am sure she blames him too, but she has chosen to keep trying to make their marriage work and it seems he has persuaded her that is what he wants too.

I am shocked that he is still coming round, why? Are you still having a relationship with him?

My only advice can be wise up and realise this man doesn't want to leave his wife and he is just having his cake and eating it.

yes, he put her in that position but it takes two to make a baby and you need to be the decent one and walk away to limit the amount of damage he will continue to do to both of you!

waspriceyp · 17/01/2009 18:24

Nothing to add here except a big hug and hope that you find some happiness in this situation. A baby wouldn't be the worst outcome would it?
Keep posting and keep talking. x

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 18:35

I was in a relationship with him.
Spoke to him yesterday and he said it was killing her so it had to stop. I said ok. He said he would text monday.
If thats what he wants its fine. Not saying it isn't going to hurt but I will do it.
Thing is though I do leave him alone. Its him that perseveres.
She can move if it will make it easier for her not to see me.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/01/2009 18:39

I think my first port of call would be to cut him out of my life excepting civilised conversations about your child if it all possible and if not then see a counsellor to work on it.

He's a liar. A liar of many years from what you say if he's already got another child from an affair a while back.

You can't change that. You can change what you do about it, however.

And the last thing you need right about now is a guy you don't even know if what he's telling you is the truth or not.

beanieb · 17/01/2009 18:43

What if she doesn't move? What if for the sake of her own children and herself she prefers to stay.

Perhaps all that will happen is that she will stay, you will stay, he will stay with her and see his child with you as often as he can or not bother at all.

I would consider yourself out of his life in every sense but for the fact that you have a child together. he has chosen her, seems like there absolutely nothing you can do to persuade him to leave her for you and so you will now just have to get on and live with the consequences of that affair however uncomfortable it may be for you all.

You and your husband are separated, you and your other children are settled, if you can cope with being a single mum to four kids then you should keep the baby.

How much time do you have to decide?

macdoodle · 17/01/2009 18:45

not sure I can come into this clear headed TBh - I am the wife who has been in this situation ...have had this out with pretty a while back (listen to her she talks sense)- walk away from him it is him that is the WANKER - not you not the W not the exOW and certainly not the DC not any of them!!!
Do what you want for you and your DC 9all of them) stop dwelling on the W stop dwelling on him - WALK away in your head if nothing more, he is not now never was never will be the man you think he is !!!
I cannot tell you it will all be ok it may not be for a very long time only you can know what is right for you!
And I do wish you good luck it is the men who make this situations and the children who have to live with it

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2009 18:50

"Spoke to him yesterday and he said it was killing her so it had to stop. I said ok. He said he would text monday".

So on one hand he says its got to stop; then he's saying he'll text you on Monday!. Well apart from the fact that texting is complete non-communication and too easy for words, you want to accept a text from this man?.

Think both you and his wife are both being played by him; two women "fighting" (as he sees it) over him is just what he wants. He's probably loving every minute of this and does not care who he hurts in the process (i.e both of you, not just to say his children). You also only have his side of the story; what really goes on in his marriage is only something that both of them know.

I can only assume you met such a creep when you were emotionally vulnerable - such men have radar for emotionally vulnerable women and take them for all they can. This will never end happily.

And if you do have this child will he want a paternity test done after the child is born; he does not seem at all responsible so how will you get him to pay any child maintenance?.

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:08

Preggy - believe you me when i say this. If she is telling lies its because she is fighting for her marriage. Forget condemning her. If he didnt want to be with her he would leave. There are no ifs, no buts and no excuses. He is playing with you both, he is the liar, he is the cheat and both of you are helping him do it, so for your own sake get up, fight for yourself, your kids and your unborn baby and move on. And fwiw i do feel immense sympathy for you but watch the defensiveness, why should a woman who has been totally humiliated by her husband when he got another woman pregnant move away to hide her own shame. She has nothing to hide from. As harsh as it is you knew he was married when you started this and as such you have to be the one to be the grown up and make the tough decisions that need to happen now. Affairs have awful, painful and devastating consequences. Its time for dealing with them. I dont wish you to hurt - not in your condition but you dont have time for illusions and you need to let the scales fall from your eyes a bit and start dealing with the reality of the position your in. Dont have an abortion - it is obviously not what you want - but do start again fresh. For all of the childrens sake if not your own. I grew up in a tiny village and its not just the adults who know everything.

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:08

p.s cheers mac ;)

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 19:10

Think he said he would text to placate me.
I am not a stupid woman. I know he is lying. Just think he has no balls. His wife calls about once a week to ask if I am still seeing him. Just spoke to my friend I work with and she said next time say yes. I have just always refused to get involved and been loyal to him. I told him yesterday not to count on that anymore.
I was really vunerable. I knew them both but had been very ill in hospital.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 17/01/2009 19:15

Stop blaming his wife what exactly has she done
Blame him him first, then afraid you have to accept some of the blame yourself - the only innocents are the children - funny how they are the last ones anyone thinks of

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:16

dont take her calls anymore and change your number. it sounds like she has been as messed up by this as you so you need to be the bigger person. dont give the number to anyone you dont trust. you dont owe him loyalty but you owe yourself dignity. take the chance for it. You may well have been extremely vulnerable but ignorance is not a defence. You know now. You still sound vulnerable but you have to be strong for you children and yourself. its not optional. You have gotten yourself into a pickle (not underestimating) and now its time to get out.

Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 19:17

Thanks prettyfly1. I can be really defensive. I will think about things.
I don't want her to hide away. Just leave me alone. I grew up here. If I can stay and get on with it then so can she. If she doesn't want to then that's fine.
I am not condemning her and I am aware he could leave if he wanted to. Know he is just screwing around with me. I asked him if he could see himself growing old with her. He said yes but older than me. If he had been honest I would have binned him but he isn't repeatedly.

OP posts:
Original poster
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 19:19

I do take the blame and I am sorry if it appears I am attacking her.....
not what I wanted to do.....
Don't want a row re the wife
Just some advice on the baby situation

OP posts:
NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 19:21

Have the baby.
You couldn't terminate.
You would bad for ever.

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:22

I am sorry love but you have been sleeping with her husband. Dont you think expecting her to get on with it is a little bit harsh and dare i say it selfish. This is not about her. It is him who is messing with you. You are not a victim in this - vulnerable and probably manipulated yes but you chose to sleep with a man married to someone else - christ i did it once when i was hammered and very very vulnerable and i took more responsibility then that. I left the area, refused to take any money from them and made my own life - he wanted to make his marriage work so i left them to it and it didnt anyway. I held my head up as high as i could, accepted i had made a mistake and made a life for my son on my own - i have since made many mistakes and done all sorts of silly things but i dont blame anyone for them but myself and you really need to get yourself to that place fast. Like i said - i dont want to hurt you - i have been where you are but right now digging your heels in is not the answer.

NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 19:23

She isn't digging her heels in.

It can be hard to do the right thing sometimes. Your heart isn't rational.

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:24

and that is the best advise i (in my limited wisdom) can give you. Forget him, forget her, change numbers hold your head up and make the decision to raise your child independently and with as much dignity you can muster. Everyone makes mistakes, its how we deal with them that makes us what we are.

macdoodle · 17/01/2009 19:24

you think she should just get on with it ah well knew I should have just ignored this thread knew it
Will bow out now like I said before pretty is a pretty clever cookie listen to her ! and good luck but here is not a place for me!

NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 19:26

who is that too, macdoodle?

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:27

believe you me new i know that - i have been where she is and i know exactly how hard it is. but i also know that sugarcoating the truth when someone is in that irrational, heart led place when everything just hurts is not the way too help them. Hormones everywhere, three kids to look after and everyone around chucking in what they want for them has to be sending this poster mental - as an outsider it is far easier to see what has to be done but sometimes far easier to listen to. I dont have a vested interested in the posters life. I have been EXACTLY where she is and this is the way i dealt with things and would do again. Cant say fairer then that.

NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 19:28

I just think the more people are on at you to do something, especailly when you don't want to/dont see how/can't it is hard.

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:32

oh believe you me - i dont underestimate how hard it is - it was the toughest thing i have ever done in my life and it will be the same for her. OP is there anywhere you can go with the kids next weekend for a break. Dont take your phone, dont tell anyone unless its urgent - just go, be with them and breathe for a couple of days.

prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 19:34

My big concern for you is that all this stress is not good for you and the baby btw, regardless of what you decide to do - if there is any way for you to take a break please consider it.

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