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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My mum has advised me to terminate....... I don't know what to do

139 replies

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 13:46

I don't want to be flamed but would just like some advice. I am a regular.
I am thirteen + weeks with my fourth child which is the product of an affair. My OM has left his wife/ been thrown out twice but has gone back because of the children.
We have been seeing each other regularly still and this week his wife received two phone calls to say I am still in contact with him. He phoned me to say he couldn't see me anymore and when I replied 'ok' said 'don't say that'!
He then said he would text me monday--- he has another phone and email account.
I told him by text that if he blamed me fully for everything I would forward all of his emails and texts. Especially the ones were he promises he will grow old with me and that she will do something stupid if he leaves again.
Anyway my mum called last night to ask me to think again about having the baby. She is worried I am going to crack.
I am just so tired. I do really love him but I can say what he is doing. It just feels so cruel. No one their side knows about the baby I just don't want to put a child through pain because of me.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 17/01/2009 16:30

you know what, don;t move. yes people are staring at the moment, but it is fresh news.

next week there will be somehting new to gossip about and you will be chip paper (well, not literally, but YKWIM).

KEEP the baby. you will never recover from it otherwise. yes, it makes life more complicatedm but that is what makes life interesting.

sooooo

congratulations I think are in order

SameAsYou · 17/01/2009 16:31

PD - My ds (3.3) was the product of an affair. DS is his middle child. He and his wife know about DS and we live 5 mins walk from each other. He doesn't see him and point blank refuses to have anything to do with him.

The area we live in has a village(y) feel so lots of activities going on that we have all turned up to at the same time - it is very very hard to see them as a family of four unit and just DS and I. Are you prepared for this happening? Its damn hard seeing that he has carried on his life as if DS does not belong to him, the children all look alike.

They pay a small amount each month but that is the most contact we will probably ever have.

I did have a choice whether or not to keep him and i chose what was best for me but has has been so hard - I couldn't live without my mum and friends.

Hope you are ok and really feel for you

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 16:32

I am not certain of anything really......
Just very tired.
I have stuff at his that he keeps in a carrier bag, sure she would love it if she found that.
I think she generally turns a blind eye but because its on her doorstep and people will know she is more bothered.

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ZZZen · 17/01/2009 16:32

Everyone here will try to help but this is a really big thing. I think you should go and get serious intensive counseling/advice for this.

Please call the Samaritans and talk to someone there, they are trained to listen and advise. Then if you want/need more advice, ask them to tell you where you can go for 1-1 in-depth talk about all this. It is a huge mess at the moment and I am not at all surprised that you don't know what to do.

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 16:34

He wants to be involved and has told me that she knows this. He even asked to be at the birth.
I think he wants her to say its ok and keep me on the side.
Happy families.

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preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 16:36

I am going to try and get counseling.
Its a good idea I think....I don't even recognise the person I have become and it makes me feel even more isolated as a lot of my oldest friends don't have time for me anymore.

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NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 16:40

I understand that feeling.

When I was in a mess over my ex I couldn't believe I was planning to meet up with him and how I would go about it. Love/lust/longing does irrational things to your head/heart.

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 16:46

It does. I just want to say in his defence he has done amazing things for me and taken incredible risks to spend small amounts of time with me. He is tactile and tbh I was love starved. He is also clever and has a v. powerful job. It just hurts that he strings me along in the worst possible ways eg emailing details of houses then denies me and makes out I am 'reading between the lines'.
And she believes its all my fault.....

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prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 16:48

walk away, walk away walk away. Do you feel amazing right now, considering an abortion, feeling ashamed - do you? Power can breed contempt and arrogance far faster then anything else. Your still love starved = he doesnt love you. Move on.

NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 16:48

Yep, mine said one thing on email, something else on msn/the phone.

knockedgymnast · 17/01/2009 16:51

I think you should terminate the OM and keep the baby!!

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 16:54

I am going to......
Even my xdh told me that om tapped into everything I needed when I was vunerable to get what he wanted.
I am not saying I am not at fault but I just feel battered at the mo

OP posts:
NewAmazingBeginning · 17/01/2009 16:56

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{A big fat hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

ZZZen · 17/01/2009 16:59

Well you are an experienced mum if you have 3 dc already. How old are they and do they live with you? As I understood it, your ex-h has moved out?

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 17:01

No I moved out. Got three ds' oldest is eleven. They are all at school. Just about manage with work and stuff. Have some good friends and my mum is up and down but we are close.

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ZZZen · 17/01/2009 17:04

well, don't claim to be an expert or anything and I'm not there seeing your life and how strong you feel. I take it you don't want to get back with your dh because you were lonely in that marriage anyway. Is that right, have you finished with that or are you leaving that option open?

If you don't want to try and rebuild that marriage relationship, it isn't that important that dh couldn't cope with another man's dc IYSWIM.

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 17:15

I haven't left it open. We spend time together and we are talking but he feels I chose the om over him and he can't forgive me for that.
He has tried to be my friend and I really appreciate his support we just don't talk about baby.
He is a fantastic dad and we work together for the boys sake.

OP posts:
ZZZen · 17/01/2009 17:22

I see, I don't mean it in a nosey or in a judgmental way, I am trying to see what the situation would be like for you and the new baby.

So what you would wish for ideally is for OM to leave his current marriage and set up a new home with the baby and your 3 boys and hope to keep things friendly with your ex so he still sees his boys and OM's ex so that works out with his dc?

It's a tough job even with OMs intense support but he sounds very undecided to me

Of course if you keep the baby you will need to leave work and OM will be obliged to contribute but I am not sure how feasible it will be financially

Could you contemplate keeping the baby and possible giving him/her up for adoption if you could not cope, or would this be too hard for you to do?

ZZZen · 17/01/2009 17:27

Shame that marriage couldn't have been made to work, he sounds like a decent man. There are plenty worse ones out there.

Do hope things get clearer for you soon. Good luck with everything.

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 17:30

I know didn't mean that to sound grumpy.
I know now he won't leave and tbh I don't think I want him.
We would never have her support. She clings on for dear life and uses the kids. He is weak and has no balls.
He wants to support but I am not sure how I feel about this.
I will get good maternity with my job and then will have to bit the bullet and go back.
I couldn't give it up and tbh I have lived on benefits so as long as I prepare I know I can do this.
I just have the days when I feel very low and it all becomes too much.

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prettyfly1 · 17/01/2009 17:33

You also get very good support from wtc and child tax credits as a lone parent so dont think about that too much right now. You already know you dont want an abortion - you are too prepared for the difficulties and have mentally planned for how to cope - so i think your real issue is om and his wife and how sensibly to bring up this child, lessening the impact on all involved.

beanieb · 17/01/2009 18:03

I'm going to be completely honest.

You have posted lots of very negative things about his wife yet it's clear he has a history of cheating and the relationship is only shite for her because he is such an utter twunt. At least she (however misguided it may seem) is fighting to keep her own family intact even with all this awful stuff going on in the background.

I just keep getting from your posts, despite how you say you don't want him, that you think having the baby may keep him in your life and that this may be your main motivation for carrying the pregnancy on. The reality is that you will now be tied to him (and his wife) for ever but you still won't 'have' him. Even though you are going to all be the subject of much gossip I guarantee you that most sympathy from outsiders will be directed at his poor wife and many people will admire her for the dignity she shows in the face of all of it.

Your best bet is to move away IMO. Doesn't have to be far, and certainly near enough for him to see his child regularly if that is what he wants. Move away so that at the very least the wife doesn't have to see you constantly, it's going to be hard enough for her to accept your child into her family without having the possibility of bumping into you round every corner. By moving it also means you will find it easier to limit all contact with this man to child access agreements only.

what2donow · 17/01/2009 18:12

PD I am probably the last person to give advice, as you will see from my other thread on here, but as someone going through an affair (or possibly not now as he appears to have gone all silent on me....) if I were you I would try and think of the best and worst outcomes, long term/short term in each case ie whether you did or didnt keep the baby. Without sounding incredibly trite, whatever decision you make is for the rest of your life, and will affect the rest of your life. I can only imagine it must be so hard to make this decision or even to think about it when you are already going through everything else. I feel I cant make decisions about simple things until I know whats happening with my man...I have no idea how I would manage in your position.

however, for me, one of the things I was first attracted to with my OM was how he felt about his children, how much he did/does for them etc, he said to me many times (as I'm sure your OM did to you) that his children were the best thing in his life, they would always come first and whilst he wanted to be with me it couldnt be at their expense. Where am I going with this? Well, your baby is his child too. In your situation, if I was asked how I would want my OM to react, it would be to say that ultimately it was my choice, but if I wanted to keep the baby, which he hoped I would, he would be there for us both, however difficult it was, because that would be his child just the same as those he already has at home.

Possibly idealistic I know, but I dont think knowing he had suggested I should have an abortion - or discussed it with his wife - would mean I could ever feel the same way about him, I'm not sure I would want to have his child knowing it wasnt what he wanted....but then again Im not sure I would have an abortion knowing that would be the outcome which would suit everyone, except for me.

Whatever happens, I hope you come to a decision you are at peace with.

preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 18:16

I have not meant to be horrible about his wife. What I say is true. I do admire her for trying to keep things together but I am not the only one to blame.
I AM NOT having the baby to hold onto him. It would be easier if I didn't.
I must admit that not having him in my life regardless of the role he played wasn't something I wanted but I have hardened up.
I DIDN'T mean to fall in love with him. I actively backed away from him.
And for the record I have No intention in playing a role in her life. He put her in that position not me. And I know it sounds hard but I think if it upsetting her that much he should stop coming round and they should move.......

OP posts:
preggydonuts · 17/01/2009 18:18

He denies ever saying he wanted me to have an abortion and she does tell lies.
She has been caught several times.

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