My mum has advised me to terminate....... I don't know what to do

[preggydonuts]

I don't want to be flamed but would just like some advice. I am a regular.
I am thirteen + weeks with my fourth child which is the product of an affair. My OM has left his wife/ been thrown out twice but has gone back because of the children.
We have been seeing each other regularly still and this week his wife received two phone calls to say I am still in contact with him. He phoned me to say he couldn't see me anymore and when I replied 'ok' said 'don't say that'!
He then said he would text me monday--- he has another phone and email account.
I told him by text that if he blamed me fully for everything I would forward all of his emails and texts. Especially the ones were he promises he will grow old with me and that she will do something stupid if he leaves again.
Anyway my mum called last night to ask me to think again about having the baby. She is worried I am going to crack.
I am just so tired. I do really love him but I can say what he is doing. It just feels so cruel. No one their side knows about the baby I just don't want to put a child through pain because of me.
Thanks for reading.

I am not trying to be selfish. I don't live with my xdh since I left him over six months ago. I haven't flitted back and forth. The children are stable.
I do believe though that a child is a child and thats what I am finding hard to get my head around....

wannaBe it will not destroy her childrens lives if she has this baby. She has not said anywhere that she expects her husband to raise this child. All she has has said is that she wants the baby.

Having an abortion she does not want will take a hell of a lot of getting over. If she manages to get over it at all, it will impact upon her relationship with her mother and her hubby if she feels she was pressured at all into making the wrong descion. If she does get back with hubby this will forever be a source of resentment on both parts so chances are the marraige will fail anyway.

The exisiting children will be much happier having two happy parents who live apart than two miserable parents who live together in resentment.

Yes she has had an affair and that was wrong. She now has to live with this. Having an abortion she does not truely want will only serve to make the situation worse for all involved.

i agree seashells

if he is your ex then he has no say in whether or not you should have the baby.

If he's your ex you wouldn't be expecting him to raise it after all, so whether or not you go through with the pregnancy is your decision.

As for the om, I imagine it's entirely likely he's told his wife he wants you to have a termination, especially if it's a small village where everyone knows everyone and everyone else's business.

Moving might be an option if you don't want to have to face him or his wife on a regular basis, or the opinions of other people who know the history.

shesells op has only just said that she and her dh are separated, which of course puts everything in a different light.

If he's her ex then having another baby isn't going to affect him one way or another, my opinions were based on if they were still married/still together and working on their relationship, and working on that relationship would involve another baby, another man's child, being born into a marriage that was still reeling from the affair that resulted in that child. You have to admit that expecting your partner to get over the betrayal of an affair but in the same breath wanting him to raise the child, the product of that affair is something that most people would find hard to do.

But as the op isn't in that situation then that is not of consequence.

dont terminate unless you want to
dont move unless you want to
decide whats best for you and stick with it
everyone else will just have to accept your decision
if you go ahead and have the baby, then your kids will no doubt adore their new little brother/sister
who cares about gossip, if others dont have enough to concern themselves with in their own lives thats their own problem

I talked to my xdh about it due to the love I have for my children and we talked about the impact and how we could get through it as a family which we have continued to be.
I would forward her the emails and texts which lie repeatedly about the baby and intentions but I don't think it would make any difference.
I am not trying to hurt anyone anymore its just hard as I am hormonal and feel incredibly lonely.
And yes I know I have made my bed.......

my son was the product of an affair and i felt so much guilt and shame around it all. You have to do what is right for you - lots of people told me to terminate - but at about your stage i made the choice to go ahead, cut him off and get on with my life. He is messing with your mind and its unfair so do what you need to but get rid of him. I kept my boy and the road hasnt been easy but i love him more then breath itself and would never do things differently to how i did.

Good luck lovey.

does he see his dad?

Preggydonuts, there is somebody else on this board in almost the same shoes as you..

You said "I could move...". Of course you could. Your Mum thinks that they'd be running you out of town, well, perhaps that's one way of looking at it.

But it'd be in your interest to move away too, so don't stay just to show then that you won't go!!

If OM and his wife are going to help towards the move, then I might accept the money and move. Closer to your Mum??

NOW,,,,,,,,,, she is advising you to terminate. But wait til there's a tiny baby to cuddle.

In the meantime though, go to your gp and tell them what's happened. You need someone who'll listen to you and give you a chance to think everything through, properly and quite quickly.

ARe your other three at school? Would you be able to work? Would it be just the baby that would need childcare if you went back to work?

Some people might say, 3 children, 4 children, what'#s the difference? or, it could be the straw that broke the camel's back... ONly you can tell.

We ALL live in the same place. Mother included.
My sons are all at school and I am a teacher.
I know I could get childcare I have been making some plans.
Having another child doesn't bother me I just feel overwhelmed at the moment...... Its just all to much.
The rule of thumb is he gets caught, leaves her, moves in with me then goes home. Leaves it a few days then bombards me with texts, phone calls, emails. I honestly thought he was the love of my life but it is THOUGHT. I know now..............

Are your first three children a bit older?

Move 5 miles down the road!!

yes now he does - he didnt at first and they have a good relationship. took a long time to get to that point tho. Didnt matter to me other than at xmas etc as i have an amazing relationship with my son. I do think moving is an option - oh and of course the wife and your ex want you to get rid of it. They are not the ones going through the op though - which at your stage is unpleasant at best, and they dont have to live with it forever. I moved btw - bought me three years of peace and best decision i made.

he isnt the love of your life sweets. he is a selfish pxxck only interested in what suits him and you and your children deserve better than his fallback plan. Teachers are in high demand everywhere. Move.

An abortion would just make other people feel better... it would sweep everything underthe carpet, mean the om, his wife, your Mum and the rest of the village wont be reminded daily of what happened;..the om can get over his guilt at leading you to believe he loved you as much as you loved him and ruining your marriage (assuming he is the reason you separated from your ex 6 mths ago)the wife can forget she was ever anything but first in his affections with no inconvenient child hanging around...You however will never forget the termination and what "might" have been.
In your shoes I would move away from him, his wife and the gossip and concentrate on yourself and all your children

Okay, this is how I see it PD and you know I am here for you.

You and your husband are over so there is no point temrinating because he doens't want to raise another mans child as he won't be. You will be.

OM and you are not going to be together so he has less say in whether you have this baby or not imho.

I wouldn't leave because wife wants you too. I woul dmove because you want to make a fresh start but the OM is always going to be the new baby's father and that won't change whereever you live.

Of course his wife wants you to terminate. Of course she wants you to move.

You have to do what is best for you.

I think you want this baby and I think it is mostly because you are a loving mum. Please don't have the baby in the hope the OM will leave his wife to be with you. My mother had me to keep my dad and it so did not work.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

I have looked at some other houses.
My main reason for not moving is the children but unfortunately all our kids go to the same school and know each other well.
He also has another child from an affair he had a long time ago. His wife was going to give his xow my phone number to tell me how he always goes back and would eventually break my heart. Its just hard to think of someone you love and constantly tells you how much they love in such clinical terms.
My mum doesn't think I couldn't cope she just wants me to harden up, stop cutting him slack and she questions WHY I would want to have it.

X-posted

You have no reason to talk to his ex ow!
His wife is fighting for her husband and her marriage but this phonecall won't do any good in my opinion.

I know how hard it is to hear even when you are listening as your heart feels one thing and your head hears another.

oh what a mess!

well, regarding the baby.......you need to think about it from only your point of view.....if you want the baby, and can cope with the baby emotionally and financially and have the room in your heart for a new baby, then have the baby. otherwise you will forever regret it and eventually become very bitter about it, blaming other people for your sadness.

as for the father....sorry, but I think you are being very foolish about hoping that he will come to you, and I am wondering if you are confusing infatuation with love.

and TBH, he sounds as tho he is having the time of his life.........a wife that lets him do this, and a girlfriend who lets him do this.

good luck......not an easy position to sort.

I don't think having it will make any difference re the situation and for the first time I don't think I would drop everything to be with him.
I am just trying to rebuild the best way.
He told me he would text me monday but I told him not to bother......... He has obviously made his decision and I am not what he wants.

I know it is hard, lovie.

In your heart, do you want the baby?

same Q as nab......do you want this baby??

Yes I do........
Its just obvious people are watching me and what I am doing.
Don't want people staring at my baby.
Perhaps moving not a bad idea, just sulky bit of me doesn't think I should have to.
I do feel less detached from him though. Am really tempted to dump all the stuff I have of his at his mum's.
I have never involved anyone else although they do repeatedly - xdh, my parents etc.

Have the baby.
Don't move.
Dump his stuff if you are certain he won't come back to you.
Ignore people who look. You'll be tomorrows chip paper.

Those that care (in a negative manner) don't matter - those that matter care about you.

PD my heart goes out to you

Isn't your pregnancy too advanced to have a termination now?

As others have said, if you want this baby, don't have a termination.

I was in your shoes a few years ago and I had the termination because it seemed like the right thing to do for everyone. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself.

Good luck x