Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'You've put on weight' he said...

159 replies

Rubbell · 12/01/2009 12:29

So after a great night out with my boyfriend of nearly 4 months, he looks at my seriously and says - 'Rubbell...I've got something to tell you. You've put on weight.'

Thud.

Ok so I know I've put on a few pounds over Christmas. But I am 5'7 and still getting into a size 10!

So the question is ladies is this otherwise perfect, exceptionally gorgeous and kind man completely out of order?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubbell · 12/01/2009 17:37

blimey ladies...

thumbwitch because I wanted him to confirm to you all that he wasn't referring to me with that quote. Because if he was it makes me sound like a lazy cow.

Believe me I will ask him that question in RL when I see him

OP posts:
rosieposey · 12/01/2009 17:41

Rubbell i have read this all the way through. Can i ask you do you really want to be with someone who prizes the way you look above the way that you feel that much? Was it really so important to him that he made you cry because of how insensitive he was and the terminology was cruel and mean? It wasnt a one off was it as it was mentioned twice and even if he did say it was in jest - didnt sound too funny the first time he said it. I suspect in fact i am prepared to bet my last penny on the fact that you will not really take much notice of anything anyone has said because you undoubtedly love him and 4 months in you will probably forgive him and just crack on with your relationship. I know this because when my ex husband and subsequent boyfriend did that to me all of my friends did the same thing as everyone has done on here and i didnt listen because 'i loved him'. Truth was there for all to see except for me and by the time i did i was married for 7 years very unhappily and went headlong out of my abusive marriage into another crap and controlling/selfish arsed relationship. Thank god i am grown up enough now and have learnt enough to spot one like im afraid it looks like you have a mile off and i am only sorry for you and your DC's that you are not. I speak from bitter experience and whilst there is nothing wrong with having a certain amount of expectation in each other - its only natural after all, physically it shouldnt matter a shoemakers shit if you have put on a little bit of weight because when you fall in love with someone it really is the WHOLE package.

I am fat, unquestionably and unapologetically - my DH whom i have been with for the last two years has never worried in the slightest about that because he loves me and i suspect quite enjoys my curves - but each unto their own and i do not slate those that prefer to be slim or aspire to that, the problem comes when your partner uses it as a stick to beat you with, this creates a horrid cycle of insecurity and you will eventually spend your relationship looking over your shoulder wondering if your arse is too big and why he wont sleep with you - why? Isnt life and and love supposed to be about more than that.

I dont know if you are a troll, i suspect not. I think you asked a question on here which you probably knew the answer to and if you put it together with other aspects of your relationship with your DP only you will be able to make the descision to go. As someone who has been in two relationships and had comments such as 'salad dodger' or 'you dont look at the fireplace when you are poking the fire', directed at her by the person that she loves more than anything and shares her ( albeit largish ) body with take it from me. It is abuse - and i only hope for your sakes and your DC's that it is a one off, but only you will know that wont you?

Molesworth · 12/01/2009 17:50

rubbell - I think it was pretty obvious he wasn't referring to you with that quote

I'd be more worried about everything else he said

MarlaSinger · 12/01/2009 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiffeyMermaid · 12/01/2009 17:56

I agree with solid. And as for overreaction? Some of us recognise a controlling mindset because we got away from it..

Telling a slim woman she's fat, and following her on to the internet to defend himself.....

flubdub · 12/01/2009 17:58

After four months ???

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2009 18:01

As for that quote you speak of it comes across to me as a veiled attack on you.

If this individual is the most wonderful and caring man you've ever met then I am sorry for you frankly.

Sure your children like him. Well they do because they want to see their Mum happy.

My concern is also that if you had a child by him he would start to treat your two children differently and overtly favour his child at the expense of your two.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2009 18:03

Well if not a veiled attack on you personally it does give an insight into how he thinks.

MarlaSinger · 12/01/2009 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macdoodle · 12/01/2009 18:46

Rosie sorry couldnt resist a peak at your profile and I think you are beautiful

rosieposey · 12/01/2009 18:56

Oh bless you macdoodle and thanks ... the trick is to take the photo from above therefore negating all excess chins lol but seriously though it was only when i got away from men like the one that i think sadly the OP is posting about that i started to think so too.

warthog · 12/01/2009 19:01

gosh rosie, you are gorgeous! i'm glad you've got a dh who appreciates you now.

LiffeyMermaid · 12/01/2009 19:46

And......

when you fall for somebody, you don't evaluate their parts.. You see them as a whole. Any deviation from perfection or the norm is quirky and loveable.

mymumreadsthis · 18/01/2009 00:07

... just tell him that you have to be honest...his penis is smaller than you thought it would be...

BBeingpatient · 18/01/2009 13:16

" and you've a receding hairline you balding twat" said I , as i kicked him out the door

Pan · 18/01/2009 13:21

crumbs! Most mean dream of 5" 7' and size 10. In a very shallow way of course....he needs a reality check. and a swift boot where the sun don't shine. And after 4 months. Pretty cheeky. Where would this end??

Pan · 18/01/2009 13:21

crumbs! Most mean dream of 5" 7' and size 10. In a very shallow way of course....he needs a reality check. and a swift boot where the sun don't shine. And after 4 months. Pretty cheeky. Where would this end??

Pan · 18/01/2009 13:34

and on ocassion the dream is recurring.....

Judy1234 · 18/01/2009 14:18

The alternative view is if you care about a partner you let them know nicely if they're putting on weight, if they are eating badly etc etc. It's almost a lack of care to let them balloon in weight up and up and up as if you weren't interested in their looks, their sexuality, their appearance. I'm sure plenty of people tell their partner if they've put weight on. The next issue is how to lose it before it started creeping up even higher.

Earlybird · 18/01/2009 14:24

Question to OP: you've been together for almost 4 months. Exactly how much weight have you put on since you've been in the relationship?

No question the dp has been insensitive and tactless, and perhaps the way he has handled this indicates other things about his character.

clam · 18/01/2009 16:14

A few years back I'd put on loads of weight and I made a concerted effort and lost 2.5 stone. I made my DH swear never to let me get like that again. Fast forward 6 years and oops, the weight is back on. I recenty asked him if I looked fat in a certain outfit. A look of terrified indecision came across his face as he battled with his conscience. He eventually, rather lamely, came out with "um, what do you want me to say?" Part of me wanted to brain him, but why? He clearly didn't want to hurt my feelings (unlike the OP's partner), but also had pledged to be honest in such a situation. And anyway, he was right. I looked quite dreadful (my words, not his - he loves me as I am and never fails to tell me so). BUT, it was enough to spur me back into action - and I've lost half a stone already....

Judy1234 · 18/01/2009 18:49

I remember reading a letter in a newspaper last year - the girl's bouyfriend apparently wouldn't have sex with her if the scales ever went over 9 stone. That seemed to work pretty well for them but I doubt would be acceptable in most mumsnetters' relationships.

macdoodle · 18/01/2009 18:59

clam entirely different scenario!

oliviasmama · 18/01/2009 21:30

I don't think he sounds too nice to be honest.

techpep · 18/01/2009 21:36

After 4 months together, this seems very harsh. After 11 years with my dp i actually moan at him because he never tells me when i look a bit bigger, sometimes i think if he was honest it would inspire me to lose the weight. Maybe not the right way but my way nonetheless