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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'You've put on weight' he said...

159 replies

Rubbell · 12/01/2009 12:29

So after a great night out with my boyfriend of nearly 4 months, he looks at my seriously and says - 'Rubbell...I've got something to tell you. You've put on weight.'

Thud.

Ok so I know I've put on a few pounds over Christmas. But I am 5'7 and still getting into a size 10!

So the question is ladies is this otherwise perfect, exceptionally gorgeous and kind man completely out of order?

OP posts:
TheOneInQuestion · 12/01/2009 16:35

I said situation because I didn't want to give to many details away for privacy as I mnetioned I thought Rubbell had used a new username.

BitOfFun · 12/01/2009 16:36

Work work work...are you out of breath yet with this uphill struggle? It doesn't sound very promising tbh...

chipmonkey · 12/01/2009 16:36

And Rubell, if you have a dd, you really don't want someone telling her at 16 that she's putting on weight. My friend's Dad did and she developed an eating disorder.

Dior · 12/01/2009 16:37

I REALLY thing that your points would be valid if you had been together for several years. The 'taking for granted' becomes almost normal then. However, it is 4 months! You should both be in the first flush of emotion, not analysing the relationship.

Seriously, you both sound as if you are wrong for each other. Rubbell needs a man who likes a few curves and you should be with a woman who spends her life at the gym.

plantsitter · 12/01/2009 16:37

Go and talk to Rubbell now; I think she's made it clear she'd like this thread to end.

notsoclever · 12/01/2009 16:45

So what's happening here....

A couple who have an immature relationship (in several ways); OP comes on complaining about a specific behaviour of BF and gets lots and lots of posts that justify her position.

OP then says "well I'll show him this thread" and does. Not surprisingly he thinks we don't know the whole story so tries to offer another view.

My advice to them: sort your relationship out without involving the whole MN in your arguments.

My advice to MNers: leave them to it, we've said enough.

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2009 16:48

I think this is an over reaction. I do not think that one instance of a guy saying that his DP has put on weight amounts to abuse or twattage and I sense a bandwagon.

I can relate to is the bit where the one said that his DP had said herself that she had put on weight and expressed dismay about it but wanted reassurance from him that she hadn't.

If this is true then I feel sorry for the guy. I know loads of women who moan literally endlessly about their weight without doing anything about it, or who continually refer to their size ten selves as fat in order to be told by others that they are not. It is frankly annoying behaviour!

I gave up with one of my friends once and after the had moaned for about an hour about how fat she was (she was a size 8 and considerably slimmer than me) I said, well I hear the Atkins is a great diet, you could try that, and she was like 'What are you trying to say? Are you trying to say I'm fat' etc etc.

It's like OH MY GOD ladies, can we please retain some sanity on this issue. Of course the OP is not fat, but she has put on weight. If as her DP says she has moaned about this herself then surely it isn't the end of the world to agree that yes, she has put on weight.

Maybe this guy is a rude, nasty woman hating abuser. Then again, maybe he's a normal guy who is understandably confused by the bizarre and conflicting signals that women give out constantly about their weight.

LiffeyMermaid · 12/01/2009 16:52

No, theoneinquestion I totally disagree, you don't have a right to know what total strangers are saying to your girlfriend. If she needs help processing HER thoughts, it is not your right to be a fly on the wall, never MIND to try and influence the thought processes.

Lundy Bancroft says that that sense of entitlement is often the scaffolding behind controlling abusive behaviour. You don't see or won't accept that yOUR behaviour is wrong because you feel entitled to act this way. You are NOT entitled to do this.

Why do you want to know, or need to know what a bunch of total strangers are saying on an anonymous internet forum. Are you terrified we might help your gf to see things more clearly. Objective reality not your reality?

You are not really here to take on board the criticism of you, but rather to try and influence our thoughts, control the conclusions we have reached about you??

You can not control what other people think. You shouldn't want to try. You have no right to try. You should look inwards and ask yourself why you allowed yourself to risk losing your gf by making such an obnoxious comment.

TheOneInQuestion · 12/01/2009 16:58

  1. I was told Rubell had posted and the responses were all against me and quite horrible.

  2. I asked if I could see

  3. She allowed me to.

  4. I started typing my response, but before I posted I asked if I could. If I was told not too I wouldn't.

I didn't say I had a right to. I asked to and thats it.

I didn't have to be told either, so is this controlling behaviour too??

themildmanneredjanitor · 12/01/2009 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 12/01/2009 17:02

go and TALK to each other - if you really aren't trolls then get OFF this thread and sort it out yourselves!

plantsitter · 12/01/2009 17:03

TheOneInQuestion: It doesn't matter what we think. It matters what Rubbell thinks. Stop asking strangers for justification and talk to your girlfriend instead.

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2009 17:03

This is just getting silly. If anybody here's DP went on a forum to talk about them, and the responses were strongly against them, wouldn't they be dying to know what was being said??

If the OP didn't want her DP to know what was being said she shouldn't have mentioned it to him, but she did.

Think about it the other way round - your own DP discussing your negative points online then telling you he had done so, then refusing to let you see.

BitOfFun · 12/01/2009 17:06

Well I guess we can continue to gas between ourselves about whether or not you are a nob (rightly or wrongly, you are a figment of the internet to us afterall), but you would proably be better served having this discussion in real life with your girlfriend.

TheOneInQuestion · 12/01/2009 17:08

Im sure we will but I need to buy some oranges and a big sack...

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2009 17:12

Bit unfair to slag him off for talking to us and not his GF, isn't that the entire point of MN. She started the thread and nobody slagged her for talking to us instead of him.

BitOfFun · 12/01/2009 17:15

I'll just have to agree to disagree with you on that one MorrisZapp (still love your name btw )

Original poster
Rubbell · 12/01/2009 17:16

theoneinquestion - probably best to leave it now.

Please don't think he's a bad guy ladies. He is the most wonderful, caring boyfriend I have ever had in many ways. And he is absolutely great with my kids and they love him.

I would agree with you that there is too much analysis of our relationship going on. What's wrong with being comfortable?

And I really hope that this comment is not directly refering to me?: "Now. If your man, when you 1st met him advertised himself as this person who was fit, worked hard e.t.c and then 3months+ into the relationship you had fallen in love, would it not alter the relationship or how you felt about him slightly if he just slumped into a sloth that quit his job, put on weight consitently over the months and watched daytime tv, living off social. If he didn't change his ways, I am sure you wouldn't want to hang around and Im sure you would either say something or just leave without actually saying something..."

I suggested to my bf last night that I should post on MN to see what you ladies would say, basically telling him that what he said was not OK. So I did post and after some replies told him that he wasn't a popular guy. I thought it would be useful and informative for him to hear what you had to say: surely if your opinions can help him understand women more it is only a good thing?

He asked to see the thread and if it was OK to post. Both were fine with me.

Thanks for all your help and advice.

OP posts:
spicemonster · 12/01/2009 17:20

Rubbell - your bf made that comment. Why not ask him?

How very odd

Original poster
Rubbell · 12/01/2009 17:21

I was asking him spicemonster. I don't want to be portrayed on here as that kind of person

OP posts:
solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 12/01/2009 17:23

THe ONe IN Question:
I wonder what happened in your past to make you come aross as such a profoundly inadequate, stupid, misogynistic twat. Because that's what you sound like. You don't think women are really, quite, human, do you? Women exist, in your eyes, to please men and benefit them and you can't cope with regarding a woman as an individual in her own right, who might just not always feel inclined to put your wishes above her own.
Here are two pieces of advice for you, neither of which you are likely to take, but in 30 years time when you're living in a shitty bedsit somewhere with no social life apart from an evening a week in a smelly pub moaning with all the other dumped misogynists and losers about how women cant be trusted, you'll wish you'd taken the first one which is: consider some counselling about your inadequacies and your need to belittle and control people to make yourself feel better.

The second piece of advice is, of course: go and take a running jump.

jasper · 12/01/2009 17:25

morrisZapp I agree.

Complete overreaction here.
Some extreme conclusions being drawn with very little evidence.

To the two in the relationship, best of luck.

Original poster
Rubbell · 12/01/2009 17:27

thanks jasper

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 12/01/2009 17:31

for gods sake

lose the weight

all 160ish pounds of him

he sounds dull

thumbwitch · 12/01/2009 17:34

rubbell if you are asking your bf that question then why the hell are you doing it on here and not in RL?

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