'You've put on weight' he said...

[Rubbell]

So after a great night out with my boyfriend of nearly 4 months, he looks at my seriously and says - 'Rubbell...I've got something to tell you. You've put on weight.'

Thud.

Ok so I know I've put on a few pounds over Christmas. But I am 5'7 and still getting into a size 10!

So the question is ladies is this otherwise perfect, exceptionally gorgeous and kind man completely out of order?

Would you like me to come and sit on him for you? I'm still carrying my baby weight from 1.5 years ago, I could squish him for you. You only need ask........

Cheeky git. Tell him how much it hurt you and see what he says. Then outine the 1001 things you just cannot say to a woman. If he doesn't get it, lamp 'im!

run for the hills. he sounds at absolute best odd and tactless - but potentially quite a dodgy controller.

Wow, so you've put on "loads of weight" (thus justifying his comment)?! What were you? a size 2?!

It is not honesty, it is his opinion. He is undermining your self-esteem.

Have you tried "Well, I've seen boyfriends of other make comments like that and they all turned out to be abusive, manipulating bastards...".

So he only wants to be with you if you stay skinny and thin forever? Not possible.

Alarm bells ringing.

well when he said it I was really upset and a bit speechless tbh. The next day we were talking about it and he jokingly called me 'fatty' and I started crying. I think that really shocked him.

I must say though, he has profusely apologised.

When we first got together I was a size 8-10 now I'm pushing a 12. But I know I have an OK figure.

I think he is worried that now I've 'found my man' I'm letting myself go,

But am freaking out after reading your comments tbh...

I know you don't want to hear this but that comment must have made you feel crap about yourself. You must know - at 5'7" and a size 10 - that any weight you've put on is negligible over 4 months. If he thinks it's ok to say he's 'worried' about your physical appearance at this stage, imagine the hurtful things he'll think it's ok to say if you put any signficant weight on, or your boobs go saggy, or you get some grey hairs or whatever. Partners are meant to make each other feel GOOD about themselves - otherwise what's the point?

i'll lose it you igorant rude shit fuck.

you will always be ugly.

now fuck off

God, love, noooooooo! Fatty? Seriously? He made you cry? Please please, there will be plenty more tears to come if you stay with him. Controllng bastards always apologize afterwards, or we wouldn't stay- but they have done their damage. I hope I am not projecting, but I wish to god I had dumped the twat of an ex when he started with that comment- it would have been so much better for me.

Sorry I cross-posted with your last post, Rubbell. Wasn't trying to hammer the point!!

Rubbell he didn't fall for the whole package if he would go off you if you got fat. That's the opposite of the 'whole package', the whole package is you, whether you are fat, skinny, lose a limb, whatever.
Do you have/want children in the future? I am 3 stone fatter than I was when I met my DH. I know (though he has never said it) that he prefers me thinner. But he loves me, and loves closeness and intimacy with me, so extra wobble doesn't put him off. If he said what yours did I would be crushed. I would feel rejected, self conscious and terrible. My DH would never want me to feel like that. How can you have sex with him now? I'd be dying at the thought that he didn't find me attractive (not saying he doesn't find you attractive, but that's what would go through my mind - it's such a damaging thing to say)
It's critical, unsupportive, and unfair. It's not the way a loving partner treats his woman. Or vice versa.

Oh my god he called you fatty? Get RID

Yeah Custy, she could lose 180 pounds of useless flab overnight- by dumping him!

It would be an unacceptable comment at any time, but after only four months? That's the stage when you're still all misty-eyed and think the other person is perfect in every way, surely? Agree, it's a slippery slope if you stay with him.

There's nothing wrong with communicating about a partner's appearance, but think his comments were out of order.

Having had 2 babies in less than 2 years has taken its toll, but my DP and talked about ways both of us could get fitter (he could lose a few too!)

But at the same time, gaining weight isn't a 'deal breaker' for him.

Maybe for your B/F, it is, which is fine as long as you know and then can decide if this is going to work as a relationship for you.

dont freak out by some of the comments
they are merely others POV
i would hope that he has learnt to curb the comments
i dont think that you should feel the pressure to conform to size
and i would hope that having been with you for that length of time what dress size you are now should be irrelevent
i don't necessarily think that hes an abusive tosser
butif any more comments are made that make you feel upset to this point then i would seriously question whether he's the right man for you

Oh dear poo...

thanks for all your replies ladies.

Am lmao at custy (am a friend of yours custy, changed my name for this one)

The fatty comment did make me cry...I think he only said it because he said it (in jest) the previous night and I laughed

We are thinking of having hopefully one child together. I have 2 already. I did say to him - how are you going to feel after I have a baby?? he said 'that's completely different'.

Do you think I should send him this thread and see what he has to say for himself..?

I agree with the poster who said a partner is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, not worse. The fact he can make you feel shit after only four months...well...

I have a different perspective on this type of situation which might land me in flame city here lol. First thing..

What a berk!!

However i am not one to talk cos sometimes my DP opens his mouth and not very nice things come out. I put it down to being a dumbass and insensitive nob.
I do put up with it for a bit then i snap and say something 'You're criticising me again, you're speaking to me like crap again' ect.. and he looks mortally wounded as if he didn't realise (and seriously, i don't think he DOES..he and i were brought up in families that are quick to criticise and verrrrry slow to praise) i have used this to my advantage, and praise my kids, say nice things to people as often as i can, think before i speak "Is this hurtful, do i really need to say it, would i like it if it was said to me, is there a nicer way to put it," you get the idea.

Things are slowly improving but it is a hard habit to break in someone who has been, IMO.. emotionally abused during his childhood.

I am willing to work on it because i can see the person in him that is dying to come out.. and he is willing to make the effort.. with relapses lol! So it is up to you, do you feel able to talk to him about it and tell him how he makes you feel, do you tell him to sling his hook, or do you continue to put up with it and hope he doesn't turn into a control freak who feels he is able to 'comment' in every which way he likes about you without thought, or fear of repercussion, maybe graduating to becoming more and more abusive?
My DP would never .. and i repeat, never, lay a finger on me in anger or violence. He is simply not that type of person and trust me, i have known a few, brought up with them beating my mum, had my own experiences.
So i can't say 'If he ever' blah blah, because that would be admitting there is a chance that he might.

The ball, as it were, is in your court.
No one can tell you what to do, just offer advice. Some of the comments here are great, i love the one "Well i hate to tell you you have a small willy" But would not go down that route personally as it means being as bad as him, thereby basically validating what he does to you.

"well he said it scared him because he's seen the girlfriends of other friends of his get start off slim and get really overweight..."

That makes it sound as if he has never had a girlfriend himself. Is that the case? Can see why...

Rubbell,

Re your comment:-

"We are thinking of having hopefully one child together. I have 2 already. I did say to him - how are you going to feel after I have a baby?? he said 'that's completely different'".

Nice potential stepfather material - NOT.

Would not have a relationship with this man at all, let alone a child by him unless you perhaps want your children to be sidelined by him. Which I don't for one minute. He would treat his child differently perhaps to the detriment of your other two as they are not his.

My guess is as well that you met him when you were somewhat vulnerable and low in self esteem/worth. Some men have a radar for such women and they are often controlling. Bet he was all sweetness and light at first wasn't he; could not do enough for you?.

As for the weight comments those are controlling ones. Its about power and control. He wants to control your weight; he'll start saying to you soon, "what d'you want to eat that for?".

This is just the start. What else will he start criticising; your parenting of your two children?. That'll come.

Would not bother showing him this thread; think he'd ignore it and project all his issues onto you again.

you're planning a child with this man after only four months together?

doesn't sound like you've put much weight on at all so him asking you if you'd say something to him if he'd put lots of weight on is hardly comparable anyway.

What will he do if you get pregnant and take 2 years to shift the weight? He shouldn't even notice if you're a size 10 still - seems like a very shallow person to me, and if he's "worrying" about it he sounds like he has lots of insecurities and is passing them on to you...I know it's not what you want to hear but can you see yourself growing old with this guy? What'll it be like when you're ill/too tired to cook/for sex etc - will he be "worried" then as it reminds him of other relationships....

All this after only four months?. Perhaps you should also wonder why his other long term relationships have failed.

You may want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Controlling men are often angry ones as well.

Sorry this makes my blood run cold - this is how my H started out - haha all very jokey and sooo sorry he hurt my feelings but "you know he was only telling the truth"...and 10 years later my self esteem is in tatters and he is an abusive controlling arse who I only now have the courage to divorce ...
My heart felt advice - run run like the wind as fast and as far as you can and dont even contemplate having a baby with this man!
What would he do if you had breast cancer and had to have a breast removed
But thats only my experience and opinion

do you have a DD? How are you going to feel when he starts calling her fat when she's a size 12?

A comment like that would worry me - from experience here.