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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Quick marriage! what would u do?

95 replies

anuvaname · 10/01/2009 17:10

Me and DP got engaged may last year and was planning on getting wed next year 2010, but recently had after personal circumstances my DP is going to prison. Will be sentenced mid Feb,prob looking at a year and half with good behaviour.
He earlier mentioned going to Las Vegas or registry office and getting wed before his sentencing date then have a big doo when he gets out. I thought he was joking but he wasnt,i cant stop thinking about it now. Maybe we should wait so theres something to look forward to.
What would u do? what do u think?

OP posts:
LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 17:12

Sorry to ask........ but I can't help myself. What's he being sentenced for?

Mamazon · 10/01/2009 17:15

i would imagine you have far too much going on in your lives to be planning a wedding. and also why start married life apart?

Prison WILL change him. yuo should not marry for at least a year after his release IMHO.

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 17:16

GBH, although it was self defence he got found guilty, i knew someone would ask

OP posts:
LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 17:16

Good point Mamazon. Prison will change him. Didn't think of that.

herbietea · 10/01/2009 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 17:19

hes changed ever since we had our DD who is 2 1/2, and hes deff changed since his arrest in aug 2007

OP posts:
treedelivery · 10/01/2009 17:20

Wait - you plan on being together forever so wait and have your day without the shadow.

LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 17:24

Do you think maybe he wants to get married now in case you have a bit of space and independence while he's inside.

Sorry to harp on, don't tell us if you don't want to.... but do you really want to marry a man who's going to prison??

There's nothing to stop him being a good father to your dd.

LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 17:26

oh you said. Right. GBH. Is he the type to get into fights? Can you tell yourself hand on heart that this was a massive stroke of bad luck, that he's really NOT an agressive man, that he was provoked by a stranger, couldn't walk away...

Maybe we live in different worlds, maybe I'm naive, but I can't believe you're wondering WHEN to marry him. You'd be mad to marry him.

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 17:29

hes trust me 100% so i dnt think it would be that,its more that we dnnt wana wait. I see all ur point of views.
Yes of course i still want to marry him even tho hes goin to prison,it doesnt change who he is and how much i love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 17:33

hes not the type to get into fights, it was a road rage incident,ok i admit and so can a lot of people that they get annoyed with other dick drivers sometimes. this was a case of bad luck due to witnesses etc, the victim actually has 2 recent road rage incidents n his record, my DP doesnt have any violence on his.
Was just a case of bad case and the wrong jury that week!

OP posts:
andaSOLOnewyear · 10/01/2009 17:35

Ha! I was just about to say that he will be a different man when he comes out. You shuld wait IMO.
Is this the first time he's been in trouble? does he work usually, have a responsible attitude?
In what way has he changed since Dd and his arrest?

LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 17:36

Ok, so he was 50% unlucky to get into this incident. He didn't go looking for trouble. BUT, he reaction to trouble when it met him half way wasn't ideal.

I think if you do really, really love him then wait. If he wants to marry you for the right reasons, and not out of panic or insecurity then he'll wait.

BUT maybe just maybe when he's in prison you'll enjoy your independence and space and when he gets out , maybe neither of you will want to get married.

Definitely wait and see.

TheSweetLittleBunny · 10/01/2009 17:42

I would suggest waiting and use the time he is in to plan a nice wedding. It will give you both something to look forward to.

DeborahBorr · 10/01/2009 17:43

It wouldn't be his going to prison that would make me hesitate but GBH would make me worried tbh.

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 17:45

Well i dont like to think that we wont want to be together when he gets out,im nt looking forward to the independence and space at all!!
He has a stable job,he has a record from when he was younger like teen age,now hes 33.
He knows what he done was wrong n ive told him so many times that he gt himself into this mess,he didnt have to do what he did.
Since having our DD hes changed and since the arrest,just by spending more time with us etc,realising what hes gt now and is too special to loose. This sentence will deff make him change more,he will never be getting into this mess again and miss another year and half of his DDs life!

OP posts:
Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 17:48

DeborahBorr- oh no GBH isnt the prob at all,he would no way no way no way raise a hand to us!

OP posts:
NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 17:49

I don't think you can say it was the wrong jury as he was guilty.

Are you hoping being married will appear to show he has changed and has a loving family to support him so he gets less time inside?

I wouldn't marry him at all never mind before he goes down.

andaSOLOnewyear · 10/01/2009 17:53

Well, you need to be extremely supportive of him when he's in there. It could still change him for the worse. Prison is a horrible place to be, even though it's cushy compared to how it was. He needs to be of strong character to stay clear of drugs. Never borrow anything from another inmate. Keep his head down. It is hard.

Is his job safe(well as safe as it can be in this climate)?
Don't get married on the quick. As was said before, make it something to look forward to when he's released.

Northernlurker · 10/01/2009 17:58

Well I disagree with everybody - if this is the man you want to share the rest of your life with then get married now - and show the world how much you love and support one another. Marriage is about getting through tough times and growing together through change. If your relationship can't survive a prison sentance then it isn't going to survive fifty years together is it.

But - you should only do this if you are sure you want to commit lifelong - GBH is a very serious offence - far beyond what constitutes self defence in my view. Think carefully.

pooka · 10/01/2009 18:00

Will he be able to travel if he's been convicted and awaiting sentencing? WOuld the US let him in?

Not sure whether he would be able to go to vegas.

Nothing to stop you (if you're quick) arranging a wedding here.

I would wait myself.

DeborahBorr · 10/01/2009 18:02

Yes, good point about not being able to get into US

andaSOLOnewyear · 10/01/2009 18:02

That is true NL. If OP's partner is unemployed on release, it will not be easy getting work with a GBH record and you can't hide that!

geordieminx · 10/01/2009 18:03

Agree with NL -18 months for good behaviour, so he was sentenced to 3 years? That sounds like more than self defence

I doubt he would be able to travel to the states with a conviction for GBH

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 18:04

Hes been in prison b4 before i knew him when he was younger so he knows what to expect.
His been told hes jobs safe when he gets out coz hes very experienced and is a good worker.
NAB- No i dnt want to get married so he gets less time inside i know that wouldnt happen anyway. He was lucky that the judge let him have a month to get his affairs in order (if thats the right word)
I know the jury had a job to do and it was a 50/50 chance, i just mean the wrong jury as in not our luck.

OP posts: