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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Quick marriage! what would u do?

95 replies

anuvaname · 10/01/2009 17:10

Me and DP got engaged may last year and was planning on getting wed next year 2010, but recently had after personal circumstances my DP is going to prison. Will be sentenced mid Feb,prob looking at a year and half with good behaviour.
He earlier mentioned going to Las Vegas or registry office and getting wed before his sentencing date then have a big doo when he gets out. I thought he was joking but he wasnt,i cant stop thinking about it now. Maybe we should wait so theres something to look forward to.
What would u do? what do u think?

OP posts:
LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 18:08

ok, I know I'm pissing you off, and that's not my intention, just trying to make you pull out all the old files for review, so to speak, ,,,, but what did he go to prison for the first time?

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 10/01/2009 18:08

What was he in prison for last time? If it was violence again, then really, run away from this nob, because he clearly can't control himself and sooner or later it will be you or the DC who get hit.
BTW, don't blame the jury. Your DP did it. He was guilty of physically assaulting someone and there were witnesses. That's why he's going to prison and TBH it serves him right.

Lauriefairycake · 10/01/2009 18:09

He's been in prison before - for another violence related offence?

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 18:10

Northernlurker thanks for the positivity!
He cannot leave on his bail conditions so yeh US out the question.
If someone gets out their car towards u and grabs u round the throat pushing u bk what are u to do to get them off!

OP posts:
Lulumama · 10/01/2009 18:10

has he ever hit you ? threatened you?

i think he wants to get married now so he has ownership over you whilst he is in prison, i would use the time he is banged up to get a looooong way away from him , for the reasons SGB has said

andaSOLOnewyear · 10/01/2009 18:10

Prison has changed a lot over the years OP, and if he was a youngster last time, he'll be facing an adult prison for the first time. He wont know what to expect at all...

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 18:11

NO hes not been in prison for violence before and No hes not a nob and NO hes not usually a violent person and No he would never hit us!

OP posts:
geordieminx · 10/01/2009 18:12

He got 3 years for pushing someone away from hi that grabbed him?

Words fail me....although dillusional springs to mind

LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 18:13

What was the first conviction? Robbery? Drugs? Just wondering if it's something that's less of a danger to YOU than gbh.

Lulumama · 10/01/2009 18:13

3 years is a lot for self defence

i would be thinking v v v carefully, staying with him you are condoning what he has done, and he might well become violent towards you once you are married /pregnant.

sorry, but i would be seriously thinking of ways to get out of the relationship

MoreSpamThanGlam · 10/01/2009 18:14

Prison WILL change him, no doubt about it. One way or another. If I were you I would wait. Its only a bit of paper. You can still visit and write, but wait til he gets out. It really does sound like desperation on his part so as not to lose you whilst he is inside.

I am not judging what he did at all. To be honest I think bad things can happen to anybody and even if he did do something wrong - well, he is certainly paying for it isnt he?

Horrible time for you both. But just tell him that the wedding means too much to you for it to be rushed and that you will be there for him.

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 18:14

I went out with two lovely men. Adored me. Would have put my life on them never hitting me.

Both did.

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 18:16

OMG cant help but think u are all ganging up n me except a few!
I started this topic for ur opinion on marriage not comments or insults of my fiance.
Hes never hit me or threatened me or raised his voice to me and we dnt even argue.
Just because someones not been an angel doesnt been they are a bad person and theyre always gna be that way and cant change because hes the best boyfriend ive had and yes hes gt a past but thats in the past!

OP posts:
NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 18:17

You asked a question. We answered it.

Lulumama · 10/01/2009 18:18

ok, of course you should marry your boyfriend who has two convicitons and imprisonments for violence, and definitely marry him quickly

you asked what would you do/what do you think?

that is what i think

FWIW , a lot of domestic violence starts when the woman is pregnant

if he hits strangers, why would he not raise his hands to you?

yes, everyone makes mistakes, but mistakes are forgetting to renew your road tax on time, or going over your overdraft limit, that sort of thing.

sayithowitis · 10/01/2009 18:18

You stay in your car, lock the doors and call the police on a mobile! Clearly he did rather more than just push them away if he's got 18 months with good behaviour! Appreciate you love him, but don't make excuses when independant witnesses saw what happened and a jury, also independant, found him guilty.

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 18:19

This only happened yes2day so i am still quite fragile (sniff,tear,sniff)

OP posts:
MoreSpamThanGlam · 10/01/2009 18:19

By the way - I know someone that got 2 years for self defence. I was there and saw it from start to finish and the person that was sent down really did not deserve it. The person that started it was drunk and had been anooying all night when he started on my friend. He really went to town on him and he got it back 10 fold. Not right, I agree but he did not set out to have a fight, was not his intention and was self defence that went too far.

Not all criminals are evil wife beating neanderthals...

LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 18:21

He'll come out of prison angry and even though you're not the cause, it is known that its very hard (for everybody) to

  1. distinguish what it is reasonable to be angry about
  2. then to express an appropriate amount of anger in the right direction (person) for the right length of time....
LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 18:23

Sorry, I dont' sound sympathetic, but I am. I just want you to realise that you don't have to marry him. IF he's a good man and a good father, he'll understand, and he'll prove himself to you later, if that's what YOU still want.

It's ok to be single, it's ok to leave the father of your child. I did. He was angry I dared to leave him. Wasn't easy but he had a lot of anger in him. A tightly coiled spring, abusing me was his coping mechanism. It didn't start out like that.

You don't have to do this now because it's what he wants. Don't be afraid to say no to him. Don't marry him for a quiet life.

NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 18:25

what only happened yesterday?

LiffeyOink · 10/01/2009 18:26

We're ganging up against HIM pet, not you. [hug]

I once posted a thread on MN "shall I leave him?" I expected people to say, yeah, might as well I think. The rug was really ripped from under me when people all to a man told me to leave.

It was a valuable insight. I saw through the fog for a moment. It still took me 3 months to leave. Not saying you'll 'see' things clearly now, and you didn't before, but is it not interesting that you are so blase about his anger and convictions, and we are all so appalled???

Original poster
anuvaname · 10/01/2009 18:30

I know my question has been answered and ive taken on ur comments. I just didnt appreciate what some people were saying,i know my fiance and what hes like otherwise i wouldntave agreed to marry him in the 1st place,ive been pregnant and we were fine couldnt be happier.
I could sit here and say that any one of ur husbands could be violent to u,GBH charge or not, but im not goin to.
Just to clarify the imprisonment 13 years ago was for driving whilst disqualified not violenece!

OP posts:
NAB3lovelychildren · 10/01/2009 18:33

But it still shows he has no regard for the law.

I think the OP will marry her man and nothing we can say will change that. Indeed by slating him it will make her more defensive of him.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 10/01/2009 18:34

OK, that does make a bit of a difference (driving offences not in the same league as fighting) My advice would still be to wait, though.

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