So if I never ever feel the slightest inclination to have sex, and he has I guess a normal libido, how often should I make myself ...

[lossoflibido]

... do it?

It's been a couple of years now in which I have absolutely no sexual urges at all, I would be quite happy to live a brother/sister relationship with just hugs/cuddles. Dh very understanding but I feel guilty, god I sooo wish there was a pill I could take. Should I force myself? How often? What way out is there?

"Sometimes it seems like people value sex above everything else."

Yep. That's how it seems. And if you don't you are lacking in some way.

but sex is important....to most people i believe.

It doesn;t matter how important - or unimportant - sex is to an individual until that individual is in a couple relationship with someone who has a different view on the importance of sex. Unfortunately due to a long, long, cultural history of sex being seen as dirty and disgusting and only for procreation, people with low libidos can occaisonally get very self-righteous about the fact and hurt their partners even more by suggestion that the partner with a high libido - or any libido at all - lacks self control, is disgusting, etc.
Frankly, the monogamy obsession is what makes these situations so awful. If you don't want sex with your partner (but want the other factors in the relationship) you lose any rights to monogamy - because the partner's needs are JUST AS IMPORTANT as yours.

has anyone on this thread (apart from Riven who admits her dh couldn't) stated whether or not thy woula allow sex outside of the marriage if their partner wanted that?

I would NEVER except sex outside our relationship. No way no how.

I am the oppisite of alot of you i can orgasm quickly and i'm not into foreplay at all its all about the penetration bit for me! I know your all going to tell me im talking crap but i also don't masturbate, i have tried it and it didn't do anything for me, even after years of practicing.

Dispite all this i can go for months and months without 1 single sexual urge in me, then at time i can be a filthy cow, (but this only last a few days to a week)

I suffer with BiPOlar and my libido goes with my mood, when i am feeling low the though of sex makes me vomit and when i have tried to just do it i have had to make excuses to stop during forplay to actually almost vomit this goes for all affection with him and the kids i just don;t want to be touched When i am on a high i want it 24/7 again this goes for affection to and im like a bouncy hugging machine and when im 'stable' i am a once every 2 weeks kinda girl.

Unfortunatley dp doesn't suffer with sod all and constantly has a mega sex drive, i was his first and his only partner and since our firt time togehter he turned into an animal! lol, he does whinge occasionally but i only do it if i want to, if i don't i give him a 'hand' and thats it, he gets his and i get peace.

I think some people just arent into sex period, whoever your with or howevet good they are at it i don't think it matters.

I do think its unreasonable to ask someone man or woman to like in a sexless marriage/partnership if they still have sexual urges but i don't think inder any circumstance should anyone do it just 'do thier duty' i would resent dp if i had to have sex just to keep him happy.

Luckily were have come to a happy level at the moment, he has come to terms with the fact that he wont have sex all the time as his libido wants and i have come to accept that i must consider his feelings in the matter of sexual intamacy.

not wanting to have sex is the symptom not the problem.

originally i posted masses and masses about this but have deleted it as i think the first sentence sums it up.

I'm not sure whether I could accept dh seeking sex outside marriage.

I think not. I could accept him seeking sexual stimulation in films and literature etc but I think I would regard it as the end of the relationship we have now if he did that. I am not saying that I would consider he had betrayed me or that it would be the end of our relationship altogether, but something would be irreparably damaged.

I do not demonise his sexual needs, I understand them and do not think that either one of us is wrong. The problem is, I cannot see how to compromise - I feel we are hardwired differently and I'm not sure we can change that. He could not live in a sexless marriage (and that is far from what we have), but I am not sure how to cope with one where sex is such a big issue ALL of the time.

Do I still love him? I certainly don't feel the all consuming passion that I once did (and felt for many years) but yes, I think I do. Sadly it can be hard to know sometimes when the pressures of everyday life make it so hard to feel much of anything.

I think for those of you who think that divorce is the answer in these situations, that might be right for you but it is not right for me, at least. I doubt it is right for the majority of posters here who are experiencing the same issue as the OP.

2Rebecca - I find your posts pretty insensitive actually. You are just adding to the pressure the OP already feels from her DH - that is not constructive. If YOU don't have hormonal issues then don't presume to comment about others who do, as you don't demonstrate any level of empathy with them. Yes, you may know several women who have regained their libido with other men for whatever reason - personally that is not remotely the case for me, and it might not be for the OP either.

I hope no-one take the thoughts below personally because they're not really directed at those who've tried to be helpful on this thread - it's more a much needed opportunity to vent!

Something that really pees me off about this: that the women (or, I guess, sometimes men) who have no interested in sex are told - in various very nice and friendly ways - that we have a problem, and that we should try to fix it.

I really don't think that something as common as this is a 'problem'. It's inconvenient to our spouses, but it's extremely common - just look how many of us are crawling out of the woodwork here. I think that this is just something that happens to some people - quite a lot of people actually. It's like discovering a fondness for jigsaw puzzles or a dislike of beetroot. Sex is very important for a lot of people, mildly important for other people and not at all important for others. I really, really wish this state of affairs could just be accepted instead of the constant pressure to do something about it.

I don't want to be told that I ought to do this or that to get myself 'in the mood'. All this advice to 'pamper' myself, or read certain books, or attend councilling sessions, or ask my DH to stroke my leg - aargh NO. It's expensive, time-consuming and REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.

I just don't want sex. Really.

Now, absolutely this is a problem for my DH. Of course it's not fair on him. To be honest, for me, I'd be happy to separate - our relationship is pretty mundane, I don't feel strongly about him and I'd happily split up. HE doesn't want to though.

Right. I feel a bit better for getting that out...

well, you'll probably find this annoying too then but that seems a sad way to live your life to me.. for both of you (not just the sex bit but your lack of feeling about your dh).

Your're right CF - I'm stuck in the position of not having the guts to be the one who breaks up a family. Believe it or not, it's actually quite a hard position to be in.

i'm sure. hope you find a way to be happier.

Thanks

StrangeMatter, I agree with you in lots of ways, but I don't feel that I would want to split up with dh. I would not mind him fulfilling his sexual needs elsewhere if it could be done with a robot , so that it wouldn't involve any messy emotional issues.

I think those of you that say no sex = divorce are rather harsh. Even dh says that he'd rather be without sex but with me than vice versa. I'm not sure that our marriage vows included some sort of guarantee as to the frequency of sexual intercourse, they did include though to stay together in good days and in bad days.

I personally am not willing to dismiss monogamy as a cultural error, I think there is a lot to be said for monogamy especially when children are involved, and so I hope that we can and will work our way through this.

I'm sure you will lossoflibido - if you and your DH are talking about it and he is understanding enough to let you come around in your own time, you are in a good place.

I don't necessarily believe that no sex = divorce, however, I do believe that sex is an important part of marriage/relationship.if both parners are happy with a no sex or little sex, marriage, that is absolutely fine. the problem is when, as appears to be the case for so many of the posters on here, there is a mismatch between the sexual needs and desires of the two people. In that case, i would consider that it is a problem, not a mere inconvenience. It is a problem for the relationship, not just one of the individuals. You may not have any sexual wants/needs, but your partner does. if you are unable/unwilling to accommodate at least some of them without making partner feel unreasonable for wanting sex with you, it is less than reasonabe to deny them the opportunity of getting that need met elsewhere. So fine, refuse your partners sex, but don't expect them to remain entirely faithful to you because that really is having your cake and eating it.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you don't accept it is a problem for you as a couple, and are not prepared top work on resolving it, IMO, it is a very selfish stance to take.

Lossoflibido, I just think your too knackered for sex!

Lossoflibido (and other people in a similar situation here), I haven't read the whole thread but I have read enough of your posts to rcognise myself in what you say.

In the past, I have posted similar threads to this one and received all the advice you have had here. Nothing really works though unless you want to make a change. It may be that you are not ready yet for the change necessary, but that does not mean you won't get to that point later in your relationship.

I have gone months without sex and not missed it at all. Poor dh has hung on in there with me (I felt bad for him and wished there was some way he could get his sexual needs met without hassling me). I would say things started to improve for us about a year ago. My youngest would have been 4 then, which is why I think you are maybe hoping for too much right now if your youngest is still only 2.

The tiredness of early parenthood does diminish. You do start to regain a part of your life pre-children, and with it some sexual feelings. Even things like being able to masturbate in private become possible when your child goes to playgroup or stops coming in to your room in the mornings.

I am still strongly governed by my hormones. Mid cycle, I can now happily have (but more to the point want) sex every day. At other times, I still can't stand being touched. But I have to admit, that even when I want sex, it is more often because I have fantasised during the day or watched some porn just before bedtime - so I still secretly have the guilt that I am not responding to dh but to other stimuli. Would dh care if he knew this? Maybe not. We went through such an arid patch for years that what we have now actually seems pretty good going, even though others might disagree. Oh and it is true that the more you have sex, the more you want it.

You can get to where I am, I am sure. I would not have thought so 2 years ago, and I read advice here telling me I would regain my libido and I dismissed the posts as rubbish, but it is true. You clearly care enough about this to post about it here so I am sure you can work towards improving your libido.

I don't have much of a sex drive these days (after 10 years with lovely dp) and we don't even have kids.

Luckily he matches me in similar apathy so we don't tend to argue about it, although in the past I did split from a man I loved becuase of not wanting to sleep with him as much as he wanted to.

I think it's a shame that we think it's 'sad' etc that some women aren't that arsed about sex. What is sad about it? It's only sad when people make you feel inferior about it.

I have never had an orgasm and when I told me friend this she looked as if she was going to cry, and said 'I feel so sorry for you'. I was like - wtf would you feel sorry for me? I don't have a problem. How utterly wearing all these magazines etc have become, telling us that we must be having sex and enjoying it.

What does it have to do with anybody else, how often I have sex or how much I enjoy it.

Oh and I am not saying you must improve your libido because sex has to be important to you. I only mean you can improve your libido to bring it more in line with dh's because you are in a relationship together and presumably want to be happy together.

I appreciate that some of you with low libidos feel 'got at' by people telling you to seek help, make an effort, etc - but the problem is that your DPs also feel bad: unhappy, unloved, rejected etc. I feel particularly sorry for Riven's DP (not that I don;t feel sorry for the whole family who are in a very tough situation) who is expected to carry on living uncomplainingly with a woman who finds him repulsive and only puts up with him because he is useful for childcare. Expecting partners simply to put up with your total lack of interest in sex and stop even asking you to discuss it or think of solutions is saying that your needs and feelings matter more than theirs.
If everything else in a relationship is fine apart from a major libido mismatch (and the person with the low libido really having no interest in working to regain a libido) then the best solution quite often is for the other partner to seek no-strings sex elsewhere.

I'm with you. charlieinchains!!!
My sex drive has also run the full spectrum over the years with illness, stress, hormones etc. etc.......
I can think of nothing worse than to feel it was a duty or an imposition or something I was less than a willing partner in. It would devalue sex and me as a person.
I hope the op & partner can work it out in their relationship to their mutual satisfaction but I am shocked that so many women feel their needs are of lesser value than their dp's.