So if I never ever feel the slightest inclination to have sex, and he has I guess a normal libido, how often should I make myself ...

[lossoflibido]

... do it?

It's been a couple of years now in which I have absolutely no sexual urges at all, I would be quite happy to live a brother/sister relationship with just hugs/cuddles. Dh very understanding but I feel guilty, god I sooo wish there was a pill I could take. Should I force myself? How often? What way out is there?

TW: Sorry, I wasn't having a go at anyone specifically. And you are right - hormones have a lot to do with it - in your case things will probably settle back to a comfortable level in a few months, especially as your DH is understanding and the two of you are communicating about it. Really, it's when resentment sets in on both sides that the problem grows and grows (and it's not just a gender issue, there have been lots of very sad threads from women whose male partners have low or non-existent libidos).

This was exactly me until recently. Our sex life had never been great and after the birth of our 2nd, I found it really uncomfortable and so wanted it even less. Then I treated myself to a Rabbit and things started to look up. I realised that I could orgasm (easily) and there wasn't anything wrong with me. My increased confidence with myself has improved our lovemaking no end. I still don't have much of a libido and there is probably still a huge disparity between our sex drives, but I now actually enjoy it far more than I ever have done and so we are happier all round - have hit on quality rather than quantity.

I can't stand the chemical smell and feeling of those things. Each to her own I suppose.

would thse that now find sex repulsive be okay about their partners finding it elsewhere???

If my husband found sex with me repulsive then we would either be off to sex therapy or getting divorced.
Hormones are very rarely a cause of low libido, if hormones are a problem it tends to make you not want to initiate sex, not get upset and go rigid when you have it. That sounds much more psychological.
Generally our bodies are under our control, sex therapy is about realising that and getting yourselves in a positive frame of mind to make love and taking things slowly and starting to see it as enjoyable again.
I think part of the problem is that many of us remain in relationships when we have stopped fancying the other person. Most people if they were,'t living with someone wouldn't stay with them if 1 of them wanted to have sex and the other didn't, or 1 regularly repulsed the other and made them feel rejected.
I know several women who went off sex only to regain a normal libido when they found a new man. Staying with 1 partner for years may be good for children, but our sex drives aren't designed for this and if you are to keep having sex you do need to make time for it and prioritise it.

2rebecca...i think you are right in a lot of cases, however i do not wish to state that this must be true for any posteron this thread. I do think however that you cannot say there is nothin wrong with marriage when you are not having sex (unless you both don't want it). The marriage becomes like flatmates or friends or brother and sister.
That's not abad relationship...but is it still a marriage?
if it wasn't for children would you BOTH still want eachother with this sort of arrangement?

who says we all have to like sex!! Do we all like chocolate??, walks??? etc..

we are all different, it is not given that sex must be enjoyed, not everyone likes the same physical sensations. I personally dont realy like people in my space, i dont want to be stroked, mauled or hugged ta!!!

rusmum...there's nothing wrongwith that at all!! if you pick a partner that shares your distaste of close physical intimacy etc then you would both be happy and have no problems woud you?

that's fine rumsmum... for anyone whose partner feels the same..... but if they don't? not many people get married having stated "but i dont really want to have sex with you other than to have some dcs because i hate it when you touch me and feel repulsed" do they?

Have to say, I find sexual encounters with dh pretty horrible too.

Don't have any sexual hang-ups that I am aware of and am not particularly prudish but it is just the way I feel.

There has always been a difference in our sex drives - dh's ideal would be several times a day every day whereas mine would have been once a week (would be about once a year now).

It is difficult to find a compromise from this position. We usually have quite quick sex several times a week (lots more during holidays when I don't get up early for work). I am not happy with this as it is too much for me and I am put off by dh constantly leering at me and grabbing me and time spent having sex is time I could be spending doing the 3 million other things that require my attention. Dh is not happy with this as it is not nearly often enough or long enough for him and he thinks that I do not try to meet him half way and indicates a lack of affection and attraction. It makes us both unhappy.

I recognise that there is a problem here and it is not just dh's, but have no idea how to make it better and so it continues...

Riven that is very sad. Have you always felt this way about physical intimacy?
Have you always felt this way about your dh?

Goosey...did you always feel like this?

I honestly think that perhaps aswell as discussing where to live, how many dcs to have, finaces etc tat couples should be honest and open about their sexual expectations too before moving in together.

I personally would divorce someone if sex with them made me feel repulsed.

riven, that all sounds very hard, especially when you sound like you are doing all you possibly can. for you.

Think you are right DDF. It was always apparent to me that dh wanted sex more than I but of course at the start of a relationship the compromise was easier to find. I do think that there is now an element of dh feeling cheated and that his expectations have not been met but have no idea what to do.

Being pressured into sex on a fairly frequent basis has resulted in me feeling pretty detached most of the time and not going to dh for hugs etc as I know I will end up being pressurised into something else. It just gets harder and harder.

Goosey....do you still think you are i love with him? it sounds from your pos that you are very busy too...does he do his fir share around the house?

To Loss and the others - I wonder if some of the problem is the lack of time and space that you have to yourself once you have children. Sex becomes another thing on the list to do rather than something that is fun for both of you. It's really difficult when it seems that everyone else is at it like rabbits to not feel pressured about it.

I think the first thing to do is to try and take the pressure off yourself. I think there's been some sensible advice on here about discussing things with your partner so that they don't grab you at every opportunity. Declare a ban on sex for two weeks (even if you haven't had sex for two years) - you might find you're more likely to want what you can't have.

I think feeling good about yourself is important too and that's something that gets swept to one side too often when you've got kids. I'm another one who doesn't want as much sex as my DP but personally I feel a lot more like having sex if I feel good (leg's waxed, hair done etc)... It is important to make time for yourself - god knows how sometimes. Good luck.

Riven..i do think you have extenuating circumstances, but i feel sorry that you don't have that physical initmacy to cheer you.

Honestly the other night i thought to myself (after a rather great session with dh) 'wow...that is the best fun you can have...and it's free!!!' so much so that i told dh who totally agreed.
If we ever haven't had it for a few days then go for it again I totally notice how close and affectionate we get in all aspects of life....
BUT I agree that sex with soeone you do not fancy would be hideous...hence me questioning whether people should stay together if one of them no longer wants sex.

DDF I don't think it's just about fancying someone. I think that's an over-simplification tbh. You might well love your partner but feel shit about yourself which means that you don't feel sexual at all.

in that case swings dont you owe it to yourself and your partner to try and sort things out and improve how you feel?

Can I just join this thread to say - although it is a thread in many ways, you are all making me feel hugely reassured that I am not some kind of freak of nature.

So many posts could have been written by me, they describe how exactly I feel about sex.

I could tell you exactly when we last had sex (months rather than weeks ago) and I feel the most tremendous, crushing guilt all the time about my lack of libido. The weirdest thing is that my DH seems to have quite a low sex dive too - he never pressures me about sex and is just as lazy as I am about making the effort so I suppose I am lucky in that way. But I still feel guilt that I am not a 'proper' wife or woman for feeling the way I do.

I feel much empathy for those on this thread who feel the same. But you have all be of so much comfort to me for being brave enough to admit how you feel so thank you.

Algy of course that would be the ideal. I think the point I'm trying to make is that there is massive emphasis placed on sex in the papers, soaps, magazines - everywhere. Yes, it's important but it's not the ONLY important part of a relationship. Sometimes it seems like people value sex above everything else. If you stop doing that, take the pressure off yourself a bit maybe you will start to feel less guilty and therefore better about yourself and your relationship and more likely to want sex. If you follow.

i can see that swings... but i think a person has to be open to the idea of having a sex life in the first place.