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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So if I never ever feel the slightest inclination to have sex, and he has I guess a normal libido, how often should I make myself ...

188 replies

lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 22:09

... do it?

It's been a couple of years now in which I have absolutely no sexual urges at all, I would be quite happy to live a brother/sister relationship with just hugs/cuddles. Dh very understanding but I feel guilty, god I sooo wish there was a pill I could take. Should I force myself? How often? What way out is there?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 05/01/2009 22:38

books about sexual problems

I think it helps to give you ideas about the causes / solutions and also reassures you that it is quite common - I think it's important to sort this out in your head

Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 22:39

and re: masturbating - when do you do it? All children finally asleep at 9 pm, sandwiches still to do, as soon as I lie down in bed I read a few pages and then my eyes close whether I want them to or not.

Also would not feel comfortable doing it with dh next to me.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 05/01/2009 22:40

first the in the morning / last thing at night / in the shower / in the loo / waiting for a bus ermmmmmmmmmmmm

morningpaper · 05/01/2009 22:40

in between Scrapbooking

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 05/01/2009 22:40

try both loss.... sexy books and books about sex.....
do you feel angry with your dh? that is the biggest sexual downer imo. if you are then you need to sort that and the rest may follow....

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 05/01/2009 22:41

if you dont want to have sex with him i bet he would be happy to watch you having a wank!

rachaelsara · 05/01/2009 22:42

I once said to my DH that I felt like an actress in a Benny Hill sketch because he chased me round the house "jack russellig" all the time. Then, to re-train, I hummed the theme tune every time! He soon learnt! I explained that I knew he always wanted sex, he didn't have to tell me. I would let him know when I did, and the pressure was immediately off, and all of a sudden, my libido came back! We only do it every couple of weeks or so because our older daughters are 11 nad 13 and in training for MI5 and any hint of sex and they start slamming doors. Much planning and loud music is required!

If the actual process of foreplay then sex etc is disappointing and a bit crap, that needs sorting too. He might be hurt to start with, but think how hurt you'll all be by a divorce .

Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 22:43

sunnygirl, you describe it so well, esp this part

I can't help feeling that dh believes deep down that I'm doing this on purpose, and if I wanted to, I could just change how I feel, just like that.

He percieves sex as affection, and says he doesn't feel loved if he doesn't get sex, whereas I want to feel loved and respected by him

mp, first thing in the morning... erm my two year old wakes me up usually so not really convenient

he is also with me all day

last thing at night I am shattered

I really find it difficult to see sex as part of my life these days, what with young children and all that

OP posts:
Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 22:45

My periods came back after

10 months
17 months
6 months

respectively

OP posts:
controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 05/01/2009 22:45

well then, do you want it toi be part of your life? if so then you need to work on it.... if not then you will have to have some frank and difficult conversations with your dh.... he may not want to be married to someone who never wants to have sex with him..... you'll have to see if you can compromise.

StrangeMatter · 05/01/2009 22:45

'I just can't be bothered, it just feels like a chore when I could be in bed reading/MNing/sleeping etc'

This rings big bells with me. I simply cannot be arsed. It seems to me that this level of libido is actually extremely common, and it irritates me that it's regarded as a 'problem' that I'm expected to sort out. I just don't like sex that much and can't be bothered. I know that this is hard on DH - but then our relationship isn't all that (which we have talked about). There are times when I find myself hoping that he'll have an affair. (I know that this is gutless.)

I second what everyone else has said about not forcing yourself. It's miserable. I've done it a couple of times. It was hateful, and my DH noticed and stopped - so was obviously unpleasant for him too.

morningpaper · 05/01/2009 22:46

lol (bad acronym ) In an ideal world I think that sex is something that one does to ESCAPE the awful drudgery of young children - a nice little treat at the end of the day, rather than another thing like hoovering and ironing

Lots of good ideas here and good advice... what about a New Year's resolution to yourself to take some positive steps? What about setting yourself one task each week (managable?) e.g. buy a book about X, try this exercise, talk to DH, etc?

thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 22:47

of course, it might be that you're just too tired!
for you - hope you work something out - maybe try a multi-vitamin pill to boost your energy levels.

rachaelsara · 05/01/2009 22:48

It is hard to accomodate an extra job/chore. You have to cuddle your child when they've just tripped over your leg, grazing your shin, but you have to dig deep and not shout. Digging deep for a grown man is too much at the end of the day (literally). That's why making it enjoyable is really the only way to get any interest back. That's why we don't eat tinned spinach, but sauteed in butter and garlic, mmm.

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 05/01/2009 22:48

i think a lot of these posts are really sad. did you get married / form a partnership thinking it would be sexless?

have to say too i think it's a vicious circle re sex and not feeling close to or happy with your dh... sex really does make you feel closer and get on better...

Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 22:48

strangematter, I have thoughts sometimes in which I wish dh would have an affair just to meet his sexual needs

controlfreaky, I know what you're saying, but aibu to feel that a marriage should live on even if you don't have sex? Because of everything else that it is about?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 05/01/2009 22:49

lol if my marriage was sexless I would leave

DH is my lover, he fulfills that part of me

sex is a barometer the health of a marriage

IMVHO

LuckySalem · 05/01/2009 22:50

rachel - I've already told him that I prefer the foreplay to the actual part but he says he wants to be there for me... I dont think he thinks i'm serious.

morningpaper · 05/01/2009 22:50

(Obviously, if NEITHER of you wants sex, that's a different matteR)

Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 22:50

Of course I didn't expect marriage to be sexless, but then I didn't know what having three children would be like (for me)

OP posts:
controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 05/01/2009 22:51

sure that can work for some people but surely it's got to be properly discussed between the two of you? a lot of people wouldnt want to spend their middle age not having sex. i wouldn't.

those of you saying they think about their dhs having affairs to take the sexual pressure of them.....

thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 22:51

I tend to agree with LoL here - I don't feel that my marriage is in trouble because of the lack of sex. I feel close to and mostly happy with DH - I can't imagine not being with him.
We were friends before the sex part started - we are still friends now as well as lovers, maybe that helps in my own situation.

rachaelsara · 05/01/2009 22:53

Lucky - I read your post to my long suffering dh, and he reckons it's a need to perform, to live up to expectations, though who's expectations..... My DH and I have come a long way, through some very frank and hurtfully homest discussions, but it's worth it. You expose so much to each other when you become parents, there should be nowhere for these hugely important problems to hide. It's like a festering boil that needs sorting out so it can all get better.

IMVHO!

Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 22:53

controlfreaky, why ? In a way it would be the ideal solution, he would get what he needs and all the pressure would be off me.

Sadly too many complex and messy emotions would be involved, so not really a practical solution.

OP posts:
controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 05/01/2009 22:53

well exactly loss, that was my point.