Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So if I never ever feel the slightest inclination to have sex, and he has I guess a normal libido, how often should I make myself ...

188 replies

lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 22:09

... do it?

It's been a couple of years now in which I have absolutely no sexual urges at all, I would be quite happy to live a brother/sister relationship with just hugs/cuddles. Dh very understanding but I feel guilty, god I sooo wish there was a pill I could take. Should I force myself? How often? What way out is there?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 23:16

no, this was updated in 2005

PintandChips · 05/01/2009 23:17

controlfreaky, when you say that sex really does make you feel closer and get on better, you are talking about you.... It certainly doesn't work like that for me, because I don't seem to have a sex drive anymore. I do not have ANY sexual feelings at all during the act, so rather than make me feel closer to my dp, doing it makes me feel a million miles away because i am pretending to enjoy something with him that I actually find a bit unpleasant. and afterwards i feel sad.

so i want to avoid it. i don't think i'm the only woman that feels this way.

Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 23:18

pintandchips, I'm with you

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 23:19

me too.

hereswhatwedid · 05/01/2009 23:21

And here I was thinking 45 minutes constitutes a quickie! .
Seriously, I do think you need to discuss options for DH as I do think it is unreasonable to expect him to live in a sexless marriage. I certainly could not do it and I wouldn't expect DH to do so. The only time would be if we were both happy to go without, but it appears your DH is not so yes, you do have to consider his wishes and needs, just as you want him to consider yours.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 05/01/2009 23:22

PAC, LOL, TW - have you ever enjoyed it with your particular partners? Basically, are they a bit rubbish at it? Unfortunately, when you're at the madly-in-love stage of beginning a relationship, it's easy to overlook a partner's ropey technique, and then it becomes harder and harder to say, look I want you to do less of this and more of that, because you worry about hurting his feelings (or him starting to wonder if you've been learnign about sex by having it with someone else).

PintandChips · 05/01/2009 23:24

blimey, i feel like i should go to my GP! i have an implant for contraception - I wonder if that could have such an affect on my libido. I literally never want it. i never even do it myself. can't be arsed, rather read the paper.

Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 23:25

Yes I used to enjoy it before I had children.

Never had orgasm through penetrative sex though.

OP posts:
solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 05/01/2009 23:26

Pintandchips: it could well be the implant. Quite a few contraceptives affect a percentage of women with loss of libido. Do see your GP or well women clinic.

rachaelsara · 05/01/2009 23:26

The men you are talking about need to know. They will be hurt, devastated, shocked etc. If you ever fancied your man, you can fancy him again. If his technique is bad, it is awful, not just not earth moving, but painful and embarrasing. If you trust him with your children and your heart, maybe you should trust him to be man enough deal with this.

I have been in this situation. I used to get a wierd tinnitus effect in time with his efforts. It was horrible. I realised that on a sliding scale of injury to the family, a bruised ego was a small price. Anyway, you can word it so it's all your fault, "I should have told you before, I'm sorry etc"

The biggest breakthrough for us, was me explaining that I knew he wanted sex. All the time. That knowledge was pressure. He has to know that if I want sex I'll tell him, otherwise, it's taboo. That gave me control over the background hum of sexual pressure, then I just coached his technique. Our bodies change with childbirth and hormones, we have to teach him how to navigate the new contours.

thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 23:27

SGSJA - yes I have, even though his technique leaves something to be desired sometimes! In fact, from my pov, it is better now because he gets it less, so it is over much quicker (was v.v. at the thought of 45 mins).

Actually we did have a discussion about the "ropiness" (love that phrasing) of his technique while in the 'dry' phase - and that improved things too (but really it is the fact that it only take a few mins that makes it ok at the mo)

PintandChips · 05/01/2009 23:27

solidgold, i have enjoyed it loads with one in particular, who was very good at it. But i found that his wanting it so much put me off him and i stopped fancying him (we split up soon after). It was grea with dp at the beginning, but after a few months, I stopped having the same sexual feelings, and that has definitely happened in every relationship i've had, after between 3 and 6 months. Having said that, i would still have masturbated and thought about sex, but since the baby, not even that. it's just gone.

writing all this down is making me feel like it's quite a big deal. sorry to hijack the thread a bit.

allnewcontrolfreaky · 05/01/2009 23:28

i am not advocating anyone having sex with their partners against their wishes. forgive me if i missed it loss but i dont think you said whether sex with your dh has bee good in the past or whether never very satisying for you.... but my point was that sex both partners want does make you feel closer ime (and of course i realise it is only MY experience if it's good sex..... and that sometimes it's a vicious circle.... no sex = not so close = dont want to have sex etc.

thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 23:29

PIntandChips - my libido went pretty muc MIA while I was on one brand of the OC pill as well, so yes, I agree with SGSJA, it could be your implant.

Original poster
lossoflibido · 05/01/2009 23:32

I really really REALLY wish I could take something that would make me want it...

I remember the last time I really felt like having sex, and it felt so nice to want it and to get it.

OP posts:
rachaelsara · 05/01/2009 23:34

You could let him read this.

thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 23:36

well, you could always try the so-called aphrodisiac foods - although I think the reason most of them are there is because they are high in zinc, which is necessary for the man to produce good quality sperm. It has lots of other uses of course as well! Not sure if it is directly implicated in female libido - but no harm in trying!

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 05/01/2009 23:39

My plan of action for all of you (who want to want it) would be
a) see your GP/well woman clinic and ask them about it. They are much more sympathetic to this sort of thing these days. If you are unlucky enough to get a practitioner who has a low libido him/herself and therefore tells you to just put up with it, ask for a referral.
b) see if there are any other issues in your relationship. Rachelsara's tip is a good one ie if you feel under pressure to have sex, it makes you want it less and less, so removing the pressure actually increases your interest in having sex. A variation on this is dividing the week up ie 3 nights a week, sex will not happen unless the low-libido partner initiates it, 3 nights a week the high-libido partner is allowed to ask for sex (but it won't happen if the other partner doesn't want it to) and the 7th night is up for grabs. But for it to work both partners have to agree to try it out and the high-libido partner mustn't try 'subtle persuasion' on the other partner when it's the low-libido partner's night to initiate. Equally, the low-libido partner shouldn't think that she (or he) can carry on refusing indefinitely without even trying to restore his/her libido as that isn't fair on the other partner.

choosyfloosy · 05/01/2009 23:43

Pills kill my libido, so I'd guess the implant can too - minipill was perhaps the worst in my case, but also ADs, combined pill etc. A vasectomy is really worth thinking about from that point of view. But no good if it's just going to mean that he feels it's going to solve everything.

thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 23:50

SGB, thanks for the advice. Am hoping things will get better for me when I stop bf'ing as well but this thread has been very interesting.

NuttyTaff · 05/01/2009 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spiderbabymum · 05/01/2009 23:55

You have only given up breast feeding 1 monthh ago !! It took ages ....MONTHS after I stopped feeding for any Urges to come back .....

Also I Agree .... worth seeing your GP .

thumbwitch · 05/01/2009 23:55

nuttytaff - personally I have no more or less probs with my own body image than before but now occasionally have to restrain a shudder when DH goes to touch me in a sexual way. No probs with cuddles, kisses, affection - just anything associated specifically with sex. Especially if he aims for my boobs - they are off limits!

NuttyTaff · 06/01/2009 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thumbwitch · 06/01/2009 00:09

thank you nuttytaff - that's a lovely idea for anyone except a professional massage therapist (me!) - he would be too worried he wasn't doing it "right" to really get into it.

We do have lots of cuddles anyway and closeness; occasionally there is enough of a flicker for me to agree to have sex, but most of the time I'm just not interested at all.

Anyway, enough about me - back to Lossoflibido! I'm off to bed.

Swipe left for the next trending thread