So if I never ever feel the slightest inclination to have sex, and he has I guess a normal libido, how often should I make myself ...

[lossoflibido]

... do it?

It's been a couple of years now in which I have absolutely no sexual urges at all, I would be quite happy to live a brother/sister relationship with just hugs/cuddles. Dh very understanding but I feel guilty, god I sooo wish there was a pill I could take. Should I force myself? How often? What way out is there?

hey lossoflibido,
I've just read all your posts. I feel as though I am reading about myself. I don't know what to do. and to be honest right now it wouldn't bother me if I was told I could never have sex again. sorry , no helpful tips but just wanted to say that I TOTALLY get it.

this thread has been really useful for me - I'm deffo going to make an appt with GP to get impland out in case that's affecting my libido... DP and I are pretty much in relationship crisis too, so that won't be helping, and then it's a vicious circle - he wants sex to bring us closer together, so will grab boobs or fanj kind of out of the blue (as if that's going to make me 'up for it'!), and I feel all offended and totally close off. i think i need to feel loved first as the foundation to wanting to have sex (it's so intimate), and that's what's missing...

anyway, am off to start therapy this week, alone, and this will be a major point of discussion!

Just to say I totally feel the same as most of you. Also I think it is a new type of problem because years ago if women felt like this they would probably have felt pressured to sleep with their DH's as it was their 'duty', whereas now women will just say No, sometimes for years on end. I know I stick my head in the sand and hope it will change, but it never does. I also think that (probably in my case) a lot of women enjoy the closeness that they have with their babies or young children and when their DH appears at the end of the day they do not 'need ' him in the same way as he may need her.

Frankie3, i agree re the 'need' thing... my DP maintains that 95% of my love and affection is now directed at our DS - and I'm afraid he is pretty much right... i don't feel the same need for closeness with him as i have it with our son.

probably not too healthy, to be honest!

I am currently reading 2 very good books :
good girls bad girl sex

Very good about changing your entire mindset - starting with how you walk, dress, talk etc.

Haven't finished it yet but it is actually practical rather than waffling on.

Another one which has a "personal plan" and a "couples plan" for getting back on track is this I really think it could work but it is clear that you need to invest time and take it v. slowly.

It sounds like you want us to say "it's ok, he is BU to ask for sex, a sexless marriage is possible".

For your children's sake (ie avoiding divorce, "broken home syndrome" etc. aren't you prepared to invest a little time in something which may well make you all a lot happier.

I feel too young to be giving up on the hope of having great sex (AND I'm still bf but don't find it has affected my libido - DS is 2)

i couldnt care les abou it either. when i got pg with dd2 dh not into it when preg so had a year off brill!! now once a month if that. my stomach turns when hands wander - just dont like it!!

I think in a marriage it's important to realise your husband's desire to make love is as important as yours not to be bothered. The person who wants to make love least shouldn't be the one who always gets their own way, otherwise you'll be on a thread moaning about your husband having left you for another women who will make love, and feeling self righteous about how it's all his fault and you're the innocent party. Most blokes don't want their sex lives to end when their wives have children.
Your bloke doesn't want to be your brother, he wants to be your lover.
I agree with those who say you have to make time for sex and prioritise it, and having sex makes you want more sex usually.
If you're feeling abused and tearful when you make love that isn't a libido problem, it's a relationship problem. If you feel violated when you make love because you're doing it for your husband then there is something wrong with your relationship.
When my kids were young I wasn't that keen on spending hours in playparks, I did it because they loved it and I loved them.
Sex in a relationship is sometimes a bit like that.
If you love your bloke and want to keep him put yourself out a bit.

2rebecca, those arey our feelings and opinions, not fact. There is nothing wrong with our relationship, thank you.

sorry, suspect spacing - your feelings and opinions.

in my honest opinion...and it is only an opinion if you don;t want to make love to your husband/wife and you do not have any illness that makes you feel this way then you can't be in love with them any more...I would leave.

Sex is about the only thing that a couple have between them that you cannot get from any other relationship. You can have friendship, companionship, affection, laughter, fun, converstaion etc etc from a friend or other family member but sex is to nind you together as a couple and to keep you close. I think it is the glue of a marriage.

I guess that works for you, DDF - i am still very much in love with my DH and there is no question of that. We have a good marriage, lots of the other things you mention as well, plus close affection; at the moment, it is just the horizontal tango that I have little interest in. In My opinion, marriage is about so much more than sex, although I agree it should be a part of marriage.

Thumbwitch..I wasn't stating that your relaionship wasn't right...I hope you know that. I was just stating that that is how I always viewed marriage and sex ....
I am always interested to hear about other peoples way of thinking/living

But would your dh state that there was nothing wrong with his relationship if probed?

Thanks DDF - actually DH is very good and he would say the same - I am very lucky in that he has never had a massively high sex drive anyway.

I also have a very good friend who had some form of vaginisums for years - her DH does have a higher sex drive and even he was very understanding about it. They don't even have children (perhaps unsurprisingly, but they never wanted them either). They are one of the most happily married couples I know.

My dh has a friend who's wife has gone off sex...they weren't together that long before she got regnant and then married...but they used to be all over each other...a real honeymoon couple.
Three years on they seem so distant from each other..they are very good parents, both work hard and have a lovely house. on paper everything is great, they still socialise alot both with and without their dc. BUT dh tells me so many times that his frend is devastated and confused and hurt about the situation.....she refuses to talk about it either and (probably because he took it as mixed messages) they now have almost no physical contact at all.
I guess it works (the lack of sex) if it's not the be all and end all for one of you. But it's very sad for someone who doesn't know what flicked the switch or how to fix it.

I agree with 2rebecca. It is important to realise that, as much as the lower sex drive partner doesn't want to, the higher sex drive partner does. Why should one persons wishes take priority over the others? Surely they both have to compromise? That means you both get a little of what you want as well as some of what you don't want. I also agree that sometimes you have to just do it and you will then want to do it more! As for feeling attractive and sexy, I know I am neither when judged against the cover girls etc, BUT my DH makes me feel sexy and attractive in the way he treats me all the time, not just in bed or when he wants sex. I have no issues about sex, I love it, but I am sure I might feel differently if I thought my husband only made me feel desirable when he fancied sex. Maybe some of you need to retrain your husbands as well as retraining yourselves?

I do think several posters have hit on a key point: wanting sex does not make your DPs/DHs bad people, and expecting them just to give up on having sex ever again (because you don't want to but the man is 'yours' and therefore is not allowed to look elsewhere) is frankly, selfish and unreasonable. OK people don't 'need' sex in the way that they need food or sleep but more in the way that a person might 'need' art, or music: to be deprived of it indefinitely is to be pretty miserable.

I understand and even agree with what some of you are saying about not being able to expect dh to live a sexless life - but what I think some of you find hard to understand is that it's not something I have any influence over. Like I said further down if there was a pill I could take to make me want sex I would happily take it. This is also something I keep telling dh - it's not him, the hottest guy on the planet could be wanting me and I would not want him - even though I might have fantasies about some sleb or other I'm 100 % certain that if it turned into actual physical sexual touching I would recoil. Like others have said I like kisses and cuddles but anything physical contact that is remotely sexual (touching breasts etc) makes me physically shudder and I don't want it at all. But this is where my feelings of deflation and even despair come into it - what options do I have? It feels like you are saying that I have to force myself to do something that I find physically unpleasant in order to keep my man.

Having said that, I will go and see GP, but have not got high hopes that that will change anything.

i am exactly same loss !!!

lossoflibido, I am glad you came back and posted that - I was wanting to say something along similar lines but also to add: HOW is it helpful to the OP or the rest of us on this thread, for a few of you to tell us that we have to put out to keep our man happy, when we are not WILLINGLY refusing him, it is our bodies that are not playing the game!

It is somewhat akin to telling people with PND to "get a grip" - not helpful at all!

I went to my GP about this a few years ago. To my amazement she recommended Tantric sex! (made me laugh, as not only is she beautiful and clever, her gorgeous DH has Tantric sex with her!)
The book she recommended was Tantric Orgasm, and the best thing about it was that it explained why lots of Western women apparently go off sex: the emphasis on (particularly the man) reaching orgasm through repetitive, not necessarily gentle penetration, which women basically become tired of. Even though they might climax themselves, they can be left feeling, that was nice, but that's enough for now.
Anyway, we worked our way through it and it did help, although tbh DH is still short-changed.
But this thread has made me think I should address the problem again, as we have drifted back to the way we were.
I need to re-iterate how I'd like things to be.
Thjs is rambling, but I'd recommend at least trying this book for those who've had enough of the whole thing.

WIthout wishing to probe into anyone's privacy too much: I wonder if those of you who are experiencing such utter revulsion at the thought of sex (yet are not angry with or resentful of your partners in other ways) have some deeper issues going on? Might your childhoods have taught you that sex is really kind of icky and women only do it to have babies, and once the baby has arrived, sex is not only unnecessary but undignified and unpleasant? If you did get messages like these when you were growing up (as an awful lot of people did) then that may be a part of the problem, and some sort of psychosexual counselling might help.

I am certainly not saying that you should have to 'put out' when you feel revulsion and distress. But what you can't do is just keep on refusing sex and not discussing solutions, ie hoping that your DH will just stop wanting it, the dirty beast, he should know better by now. If you really don't want to have sex ever again, and don't really want to go through what might, admittedly be a prolonged process (and involve effort) to reawaken your libido, then you are going to have to talk about how your DH's sexual wants are to be met. Ie, are you OK with him masturbating? Using porn? Having no-strings sex with other women?

The book is called Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson. There are loads of others on the subject.
In fact, glancing through it just now made me think I must go over it again. It's no more weird than yoga, and I must say I agree with solid - even though I've let things slip - it's not fair to expect your partner to close off just because you have. But it's the Western way with sex that lets us down, so if that hasn't worked for you, it's got to be worth trying another way.

Don't know about the OP or others with this problem on this thread but I and my DH do discuss it - he understands the issues and is happy to let me be until I am ready; although he does like to play around a bit at times to see if it works and I agree, if I say no he backs off immediately with no fallout (really - no sulking, no bitching or moaning - he just lets it go until the next time. I have told him about this thread too and he does actually agree with me)
(and no, he's not gay!! )

It really is a hormonal issue, you know - there might be some pscychosocial issues for some as well but hormones can do dreadful things to you (as I'm sure you know!)