So if I never ever feel the slightest inclination to have sex, and he has I guess a normal libido, how often should I make myself ...

[lossoflibido]

... do it?

It's been a couple of years now in which I have absolutely no sexual urges at all, I would be quite happy to live a brother/sister relationship with just hugs/cuddles. Dh very understanding but I feel guilty, god I sooo wish there was a pill I could take. Should I force myself? How often? What way out is there?

hoNest discussions

Rachel - I'll try it again.. Thanks....... anything has gotta be better than roommates. I'd rather he spent the 45 mins on extra foreplay so maybe I should say that.

Thank your DH for me.

45 minutes?

45 minutes all in or 45 minutes post foreplay??

He say's that's OK. In fact he'd be quite happy to spend 5 minutes tops on the penetrative bit, if that's what I want, especially if that means he gets it more often!

what about sex toys ?
have you tried any?
"pulsatron" from anne summers has perked us up no end [smile

yeh he thinks I enjoy it and he wants me to be "fulfilled" but the thing is (and no matter how many times I tell him) the actual sex part will NEVER fulfill me, its the bit before that always does it for me. I dont think that it helps that I'm very prudish too so we get through our repetiore (sp) very quickly then he gets to the thing he's good at (and he is good if you enjoy that part)

Haha, I was reading this thread & raised my eyebrows at 45 minutes as well! I love sex (I want it more than my DP, so I have the opposite problem) but 45 minutes of sex would be too much, I think. No wonder you rarely feel up to it!

controlfreaky and others who say a sexless marriage isn't really an option, but to what level do I need to aspire here? How many times a week/month do you think dh would be entitled to?

We had agreed to try once a month about a year ago, I think I owe dh about 8 times on that one...

And I've revealed WAY too much,

GOODNIGHT all.

Thanks Rachel and DH.

Loss - Dont plan it, Planning it is the WORST way to be in the mood.

Can you perhaps spend some time on your own (i'm no expert by the way) and hope that he walks in on you while your in the mood? Or just spend some time alone to rediscover why you enjoyed sex in the first place

Ok really, goodnight.

Also, the clit can be elusive if you're a man with big fingers, and IMVHO, a couple of mm off course is plain irritating! Sex toys might help to start converasations about the real issues, and like lots of people have said, the more you think about it, the more you feel like it....I may be off for an early night!

loss, i didnt say it wasnt an option for you and your dh, only that it wouldnt be an option for me and that your dh may not share your views about the (un)importance of sex in a marriage.....

i do think its early days though if you only stopped bf a month ago.... give yourself a bit of time and maybe think about taking up some of the suggestions on here and see how you feel in a few months?... before you declare you never want sex again?

good luck

I don't think you should aspire to an amount per week/month etc that will only feel like a target and nothing could be less sexy than that! Could you try to spend a bit more time together just the two of you, do something you both enjoy - that might raise your libido a bit.

One month since stopping breastfeeding is not that long - I think you need a bit more time for any changes to take effect.

I think it may be worth going to sympathetic GP - you could do some blood tests to rule out anything hormonal. I worked with a psycho sexual counsellor for years - her case load was massive so please don't think you are unusual.

Okay.

It just feels like never again because it's been like this since 2005, and the years before that weren't too great either, after I had had my first child.

You sound deflated?

I do feel deflated. Because the thing is - it's not as if I'm missing anything, as if I feel something is lacking in my life. It just feels like outside pressure on me to be a certain way. And that's hard-going.

The thing is, in the cold light of day, the mechanics of having sex make it ridiculous, so the more you worry about the act, and not the romance...

You're not missing anything, that's the problem. With lots of kids, all your affection/cuddle needs are met. Your brain never slows down, you are CONSTANTLY worrying about everyone else. Then, this man, this hunter gatherer comes and wants you to stretch even further. To find even more energy for something messy and odd. That's why it's a huge deal.

Several different possible problems here. FIrstly, if your relationship is not great in other ways, and most likely of all, if you feel that you are the one doing all the servicing (childcare, housework etc) and that sex is just one more thing you're expected to do for your DH then it is no wonder you don't fancy it. WHoever said her DH seems to have no respect for her any more - well that's the root of the problem (oops, sorry) right there.
BTW I am using 'you' non-specifically in this post...
If you have never been very interested in sex but are happy with your partner in other ways, then you do need to have a serious talk about him perhaps having his sexual needs met elsewhere (either by a sex worker or by using one of those agencies set up specifically for people who want sex outside their primary relationships but don't want to leave their primary relationships. And before everyone starts going bananas about how 'wrong' that would be from the perspective of how bad it is to be cheated on, I am recommending it only for this kind of situation).
If you want to want sex again, then it really is worth seeing your GP first of all. Lots of medications can reduce your libido, so can a few not-that-serious health problems that would also respond to medication.
The thing is, though, even if you are reasonably content to live without sex, if your partner is not then you have to deal with the issue somehow.

I do agree with the idea you should try to get some time alone. A weekend away, or just one night. But set ground rules. Say something like, I love you, but I've can't remember how it felt to really fancy you, make the time like a first date, a forbid sex, only allow heavy petting, maybe.

LoL - this may or may not be of interest to you - I read the Shere Hite book, the Hite report on Female Sexuality, a few years back and was AMAZED to discover that so many things that I thought made me sexually weird were actually as common as anything! the main one being that around 70% of women seem to find orgasm unachievable through penetrative sex alone. (Sorry if TMI)

I never had much time for 'group therapy' sort of things before reading that book but sometimes realising that you are part of a much larger group than you realised makes you feel a whole lot better about yourself and you can relax more.

this is the amazon link to it, and there are some other books underneath that might prove useful?

rachaelsara, that's it in a nutshell.

solidgold, a lot to think about there.

thumbwitch, thanks for the link

The Hite Report does have a lot of useful stuff, but it was written about 40 years ago and some things have changed a lot since then.