Is this passive aggressive? Really need some advice here.

[confusedandangry]

First I will give you an example. On the train the other day, I peeled an orange and divided it into segments to give to my two year old dd. As I was doing so my h pulled a disgusted face and muttered "Oh dear, lets find a bin for this shall we?" meaning the peel still on the table and shuddered. When I told him I was about to put it in the bin he said smilingly "Well its a bit disgusting and dirty to leave it there isn't it?", shaking his head as though really surprised someone could be quite so disgusting as I was being.

Today we went out shopping for New Year and he offered to take us for lunch. I was really pleased and said with enthusiasm "Oh Great". After about 5 minutes he said "Didnt you and the kids go out for lunch yesterday?" (me and dc had been away at my parents), I said No we hadnt and looked disbelieving and then said "Really?" I again replied that we hadn't and then he smirked at me and said "Come on, look I don't want to be taking the dc out for lunch two days in a row, just tell me the truth". I was telling the farkin truth!

This is just two examples of things he does like this. I feel like I am going nuts. When we got home he went straight to bed and when I tried to speak to him about it he said "how dare you try to blame this on me, stop bullying me, I want to go to sleep" and refused to say another word to me. These things seem so small and silly and I feel silly writing them down but after these episodes I feel so angry and stressed out, I literally feel sick with anger. We have been together for 8 years and he does this kind of thing quite a lot, probably monthly. Is there a name for this? Anyone else experience this sort of thing? Or am I totally overreacting? Thank you.

tmsb, you are so right. It is very confusing for children who are caught up in the middle
of a abusive environment. I carry an enormous ammount of guilt for letting my young son witness his fathers abuse of me for so long. Since he left ds has ceased having nightmares and bedwetting and he is a happy little boy . However he came back from visiting his father last week and said to me
"daddy says you are rubbish" It is defo something his father would say .
How do you respond to that ?

Oh Bodge, how awful! I don't have any answers, but maybe you could just say something along the lines of "Well, daddy doesn't always like the way I do things, but try not to let it worry you. Grown-ups disagree sometimes, but we do both love you...I try always to do my best to help you be happy, so don't worry if anyone else thinks differently" etc etc

I don't know really, but I hope you don't let it get to you too much x x

AnyFucker, you know I was thinking about that this morning. I'm reading a book on abuse, and slowly realizing that my last boyfriend before DP, who I dated for about 4 months before he dumped me by stopping all contact, was an absolute nutcase and textbook abuser.

How many woman have had a lucky escape from a long hellish relationship with one of these nasty, manipulative men? He hadn't even really got started, but even after a few short months of dating him I still have self esteem issues and horrible memories of that time. I've heard it said a lot on MN, that "he did me a favour when he left me" but it's so true.

Maybe in order to appreciate the nice men in the world, it's necessary to meet a few abusive ones first. The trouble is their legacy is so damaging and terrible But what's the alternative? Not knowing the signs and getting dragged in?

I feel way stronger than I did a year ago, two years ago. And I guess in a strange way, I have a couple of complete twats to thank for that

yes, I do have something to thank the twat for.......

and it was a very close shave, he was soooo bloody charming and somehow so addictive

thankfully, he crossed a line and something woke up in me

I have not seen him in 20 yrs, but often think of him and how I debased myself

people who know me now would never believe I would act like that

What I'd really like to know is how they get like this in the first place? What happens to make them so controlling and manipulative? So convinced of their own rightness and everyone else's wrongness?

fuck knows katisha

I do know my twat was missing something fundamentally human-compassion?, empathy?, the ability to keep his dick in his pants?

I happen to know that after all these yrs he is still a skirt-chasing, conscience-less twat, however he is now a 40-something, overweight, balding one

Anyfucker- have CATed you x

BitOfFun, I don't have CAT (I think)

It didn't say you didn't, but keep your eye out I guess!

I certainly haven't registered for CAT (costs a fiver don't it?)

what did you cat me BOF ?

Just that I like your posts and you- didn't want to hijack, lol! Happy New Year x

oh, ok, cheers and HNY x

Katisha, can I just say that trying to figure this out is a waste of time? I excused / forgave lots of behaviour because I knew where it had come from. I actually felt sorry for him, all the time he was doing it!
But then I had a lightbulb moment and realized everything we do is our choice as adults (or overgrown children...) so once we have made them aware of that behaviour, if they then choose to continue it is a waste of time investing any more energy in them.
The way I see it is (an odd analogy but it works for me) if you want to go out for a walk (healthy, mood boosting activity) you don't take time and effort to get dressed nice and warm, get your DC's ready, and so on, to go stand in a field (unrewarding, manufactured, carefully controlled), you choose the park with it's trees, birdsong, beautiful views and green spaces. In other words the place that enriches your life. Hope that makes sense!

I reckon the men who behave like this do so from insecurity. They doubt themselves and to keep hold of their partners they think scaring their wives/girlfriends into submission, making their oh's doubt themselves and lose their own self worth will ensure these women stay with them. At least I think a lot of that was my ex's reasons, we were discussing looks and whether they were strictly important if the man treats you like a princess (a male friend had taken acception to his sisters boyfriend as he thinks he isn't good looking enough for his sister...).
During an unguarded moment my friend laughed and said 'So how did you end up with a man who was utterly not charming, treated you so badly and looked like the wrong end of a pig...' I wasn't upset, but it actually does pretty acurately describe ex (sorry very pissed off had contact today). Thinking about it seriously, I think ex felt the only way he could keep me was to ensure I was too scared to leave, it did work for good long while too. The crazy thing is, I would have stayed with him and gladly if he'd been a nice person.

SOTR- I think you may find that a lot of friends have noticed that your partner is not treating you well. When I left ex friends pretty much breathed a sigh of relief, one friend told me she knew years ago I should leave, but she couldn't tell me that because I would not have listened and might have taken affront (probably all true), she said she knew she had to be there for me but the ultimate decision to leave was always down to me. She was scared if I stopped talking to her she wouldn't even be able to then offer the moral support she has over the years.
Whatever you do tho SOTR, we're here to rally around, far too many of us have experience of this so you might find we can offer a lot practical advice amongst the personal anecdotes and moral support.

I'm thinking once my life is sorted (ie divorce done and dusted) I might volunteer at my local poice domestic violence unit or something, it tears me up to know there are women out there suffering from this.

great post fuzzy

Me too!
I have been attending a womens aid support group for about 6 months and have asked if I can become a volunteer because it has been so crucial in my recovery from this relationship.
It is just so reassuring to know that there are other people going through the same problems and that you are definately not going mad which is ultimately what these men tell you.

Update from me - confused I hope you don't mind me hijacking, I know this is your thread and I had my own but this one became far more relevant!!

H came back from spending the afternoon with the dc's at his dp's. I'm still not well so spent the afternoon on MN and in bed! He returned in a stinking mood late afternoon. They had obviously had words with him, they'd told him I was in "a bad way" yesterday, he should have been around to help me and have invited me and the dc's to join them on holiday abroad so I get a break while H is so busy with work. Bless them.

H started almost instantly with the nasty comments on his return. I pleasantly thanked him for having the children this afternoon, he replied "well, they are my children" in a really nasty tone. Ds2 was sitting on his knee and I said to him, "can you point to daddy's nose ds2?" It's his new trick. So he did and accidentally poked him. H went mad and snapped at me "that really hurt" followed by "I hope you have a horrible week" in the most childish tone. I laughed and asked ds to do it again... We then went up to bath the dc's. H was plucking a long hair from his eyebrow (nice!) I offered to do the rest for him and he snapped, "no, I don't like you, go away." I laughed again at his sheer petulance and wandered off downstairs to sort out the playroom. Within a minute he was calling me, to show me what trick ds was doing in the bath.

Me being cheery and laughing at him completely threw him. I felt quite empowered tbh. I am not not not taking any more of his childishness. Who would ever believe he does such a professional job when he behaves like a total infant at home?

And thanks fuzzy, I think my family definitely suspect what's going on. The only two friends I've told both cried when I told them what he's said to me..

hold on to that thought........

long eyebrow

ewwwwww

Fuzzy I agree that some bullies overinflate themselves to compensate for low esteem, however there are Narcissists and their take on it is they truely believe in their superiority to the degree that they will attack (in many abusive ways) the moment this is challenged. They are compelled to stamp out any alternative view. Their revenge is truely terrifying.
My situation became really dangerous when I told my exDH that there was no hope if he could not accept that I was his equal. I had no concept of what this would unleash.

To OP and cheerfulvicky, especially, many other Mumsnetters included - shit, I cannot imagine your lives. I have had some crap lives (many) but none of that comes close to the shite that you have to endure. I don't know what to say, apart from - run, run, as fast as you can. If you can't run, do what you can to get away from /shield yourselves from these awful men. Even if you love them, you know they're destructive.

I don't really have anything constructive to add to this thread but it's brought tears to my eyes all these stories resonate so much with me.

I grew up in a house where my father was exactly like this only his behaviour descended into real violence and he included me and my DB and Dsis' in his verbal and bullying sessions (never violent to us only Dm)

we are all adults to now but our upbringing has had a severe impact onus all in different ways and our ability to function in healthy relationships.

We all still have an extremely difficult relationship with our father we all love him but and up being made to feel extremely guilty for any number of slights as he sees them.

I am the eldest and therefore for more aware of what was going on and was more involved e.g. in stopping the violence and whilst I am well aware it was my fathers doing I still hold a lot of resentment towards my DM for not leaving him sooner, I used to beg her to leave as a child /teenager , we were all in our 20s when she did.

This is not intended to make anyone going through this feel bad only to say please think of your children and the effect living like this has on them and use this as your strength to leave.

I do think H is narcissistic. He is very intelligent and has such a way of phrasing things and avoiding questions, I'm sure he could have been in politics if he'd wanted to be.
The dc's are very small and unaware right now of what's going on. There has never been any physcial violence or shouting, it's just tones right now. There is no way I'm going to let him mess them up.

tomme

you need to copy and paste that input to every thread where there is a history of bullying and abusive behaviour

I just wanted to suggest a supportive forum www.drirene.com/catbox/index.php? if you look at the website there is loads of useful information on verbal abuse.Patricia Evans has published two books on this subject too which I found really useful.

Its hard to stay strong when you are continually knocked off balance. I have come to the conclusion that men like this never change. Me and my partner split up a year ago and then got back together,at first it was great but he has reverted back and I am now deeply regretting my decision to take him back.

It started off with minor criticism of the way I am for example he would make "jokes" about my hairstyle if I had just had it cut or clothes I was wearing.It was always done in a jokey manner and he always said I was too sensitive for not finding him amusing. His behaviour got worse after I had Ds 1 ,I had PND and thought it was me that was the problem.It is only 4 years later and after having Ds2 that I can see the wood for the trees.Unfortunately men like this are always "nice" some of the time (otherwise we would leave straight away) and this hooks you in until the next explosion occurs.I can tell when he is going to go off on one when he starts getting more irritable over nothing but is always my fault. We can have a family day out and everything is great and another like yesterday when we were going shopping and he was angry because Ds1 wouldn't hold his hand, he got in the car and refused to get out unless we apologised.

I am planning to leave when I can go back to work fulltime in September. I hope you find a way out too.