Is this passive aggressive? Really need some advice here.

[confusedandangry]

First I will give you an example. On the train the other day, I peeled an orange and divided it into segments to give to my two year old dd. As I was doing so my h pulled a disgusted face and muttered "Oh dear, lets find a bin for this shall we?" meaning the peel still on the table and shuddered. When I told him I was about to put it in the bin he said smilingly "Well its a bit disgusting and dirty to leave it there isn't it?", shaking his head as though really surprised someone could be quite so disgusting as I was being.

Today we went out shopping for New Year and he offered to take us for lunch. I was really pleased and said with enthusiasm "Oh Great". After about 5 minutes he said "Didnt you and the kids go out for lunch yesterday?" (me and dc had been away at my parents), I said No we hadnt and looked disbelieving and then said "Really?" I again replied that we hadn't and then he smirked at me and said "Come on, look I don't want to be taking the dc out for lunch two days in a row, just tell me the truth". I was telling the farkin truth!

This is just two examples of things he does like this. I feel like I am going nuts. When we got home he went straight to bed and when I tried to speak to him about it he said "how dare you try to blame this on me, stop bullying me, I want to go to sleep" and refused to say another word to me. These things seem so small and silly and I feel silly writing them down but after these episodes I feel so angry and stressed out, I literally feel sick with anger. We have been together for 8 years and he does this kind of thing quite a lot, probably monthly. Is there a name for this? Anyone else experience this sort of thing? Or am I totally overreacting? Thank you.

MT - people can certainly post whatever dim thing they like - they run the risk of having the error of their ways pointed out to them in brisk and frank terms. Deal with it - but don't flounce around accusing other people of over-reacting. You really have no idea what you're talking about here do you?

Personally I don't usually post on long and complicated threads without reading them for the excellent reason that somebody has most likely said everything I would say already. If I do post without reading I would say so - had you said 'only read the op' in your original post that might have sufficed.

Monkeytrousers, what on earth is the matter with you?

Who has told you to stop posting?

I am not wound up at all as it happens, just slightly mystified by your hysterical tone. Your second post accused me of "vomiting biliousness" FGS. You then went on about lynch mobs, PC and hysteria and are now asserting, apropos of nothing, that I will not stop you posting.

I wasn't aware I was trying to stop you posting. I just think you are wrong. And that you are personally insulting and when challenged on it, hide behind the pretence that everyone is trying to censor you.

I'm simply baffled by your postings tbh. But not so baffled that I can be bothered to stay up any later to continue this strange conversation with you. So good night.

I am not baffled by MT's posts.

I just think she is posting shit 'cos she's been on the vino.

Right am calmer after a good sleep and would like to respond!
Personally I think MT's posts were ill thought out at best - telling a group of women who have shared quite nasty vindictive abuse, who have been belittled by their OH's some for many years, who have been told and made to believe that this is all their fault and they are the madd irational ones, was IMO foolish in the extreme...
On a thread with some excellent sites explaining this abuse and why it is so nasty and demeaning and damaging both to the women and the chidren involved, shouting about group hysteria and over reaction, was just silly and unkind!
But then getting into a personal attack with said women when they try to explain why this opinion was if not wrong but possibly damaging, to take offence and flounce off in a righteous huff was just bizarre!
All of us here are intelligent educated eloquent women, with enough sense to know when a relationship breakdown crosses over the line, when we have tried enough to be the rational grown up, when talking is no longer an option!
Some of us have been there when scarily the abuse crosses that line and in fact becomes dangerous!
When told that there is far more to the OP than is initially clear, IMO it would have beena good idea to go and read the whole thread and come back whe you have, and not continue in the same vein but reiterate and they you still havent been bothered to read further!
IMO this was not vino or confusion, this was plain nasty vindictive smug commenting and I for one will not get into any further discussion with this poster on this thread!
OP am sorry this took this turn last night, I hope you are ok today and am wishing you every luck and strength

Just read your first couple of threads Monkeytrousers and feel a very strong urge to reply immediately I will then go back and read the rest.

I have spent 8 years trying to "understand". Accepting behaviours with regards to finances, fidelity, name calling, public humiliation and much more that I would never have accepted before. Thinking if I could just change the way I react to him, thinking I am expecting too much from him, if I can just change how I think about things then maybe that will work. This is not about orange peel on a train. That was an example of the type of snide comments mostly made to my children aged 2 and 5 in front me on a constant basis.

Each and every time there is an episode I think to myself "Maybe it was you, maybe you werent sympathetic enough, maybe you nagged him, maybe you stressed him out when he had other issues", "Ok I will try to be better, work harder, not get irritated, not shout when he is verbally abusive, not expect financial equality as I am a SAHM or indeed any other kind of equality and he will learn to appreciate me". It has been 8 years and every single time from nowhere I get clobbered. You havent got a clue, really you havent.

Kate something you said about him being sweetness and light around other people. Everytime we go to my H parents house and I see photos of this cute little boy that he was and hear him laughing and joking with his family and them all getting on together, I think maybe this is the real H, maybe it is just me that makes him the way he is and I resolve to try harder to get on with him, because this charming, funny man is obviously the real H. We get home and within hours that man disappears. That is where all the made confusion comes from.

mad not made.

Also don't ask him for money, then he cant call me a "Moneygrabber", don't ask for his help with retraining before I go back to work, because I should have done all that "before", don't expect him to take kids to the park on his own without getting a torrent of abuse and being called lazy, allow him to sit smirking with his family in MY FARKIN HOME at me........Oh I am so mad now I can hardly type

Given my dc their breakfast and calmed down a little now.

Thank you all so much for your lovely, lovely, supportive and wonderful advice and for sharing all your own awful experiences with me. As painful as I am sure it is for some of you I would like you to know it is in a good cause because it has made me feel so much stronger.

Today he has calmed down (reconciliation phase?) and is offering to buy me a laptop when he gets paid, really you couldn't make it up could you? Its textbook. He tells me he can see I am hurting so "lets talk". Yes I have been hurting extensively for three days now but it didnt matter then did it? The least I say, the less he gets back in, the less he can hurt me.

Ah yes, the cycle, the cycle. They really are reading from the same manual aren't they? It's bizarre. Don't give in, remember the last three days and don't let him wipe the past from your mind. It WILL happen again.

Actually, MT's posts are typical of the kind of mindfuckery and skewed logic that I have to put up on an almost daily basis from my passive aggressive partner But that could be down to wine. MT, are you feeling better today - apart from the head?

You know I never realised the subtle put downs via the DC before but now you have mentioned it - he came to see the DC today ignored me and spoke dircetly to DD2 (she is 1) saying a few times - oh baby look how long your hair is in your eyes poor thing cant see how annoying hasnt mummy talking you for a haircut (grrr I dont want to cut her hair she usually has a clip in it and is fine why not just say to me).........and then her babygro is too big and she keeps stepping on the feet )not a big deal IMO was gonna get her dressed when he arrived anyway) but he kept saying poor baby did mummy buy your babygro too big silly mummy!
And it sound so petty and childish but when you are there it is so soul destroying

It doesn't sound petty Macdoodle - it sounds like attempts to undermine your confidence as a mother - which is what it is.

You're right anyfucker. Never mix, Baileys, Tia Maria and PMT.

FWIW, I posted after reading the OP only. I[ve said that twice now.There was not any mention of domastic violence in that post. I took it that some resentments were bubbling over, so my opinion, based on that post, was to find out what those resentments were.

Where have I ever on MN, gave anyone the impression that I am in sympathy with violent men? Never. So I am quite astonished that this could go from defcon 5 to 1 without anything inbetween. When all that would have sufficed is a heads up - that's the second time I've said that too.

CaA, I am not advising you to understand any kind of abuse. I had read your first post only when I posted. I hope you understand how this misunderstadning came about.

Not petty at all. It is a perfect example of what this thread is all about. Listen to how you are excusing it even to us. You are going through excuses in your mind because he "Got You". That is always how I am going to think about things when dealing with H from now on. How not to let him "get me".

The talking to the dc thing drives me absolutely crazy. It is total control. You cant really call him on it because he is "only talking to my daughter!" and you will scare your dc if you start ranting about it. That is what is so clever about it. My blood is boiling for you.

Of course MT. No problem at all. Drink gallons of evian and eat a big breakfast, the only thing that works for me the next morning .

You mixed Baileys and Tia Maria? It's a wonder you weren't sick!

Think I was a bit fierce - sorry - 'tis an emotive subject.

I know. I hadn't realised what it had become sorry. Too busy being drunk and combative. (I very nearly was sick too)

Glad we cleared that up CaA. Take care.

I don't really know how you can deal wiht put downs in front of DC's, has anyone ever found a way to deal with this effectively? I guess it is nigh on impossible to call anyone on this without involving children in adult tensions?

Apologies for fierceness from me as well monkeytrousers - think I should have recognised the slight slurring instead of getting into an argument.

Sometimes I say "Oh isn't Daddy a silly billy, who cares about a few crumbs in the buggy" etc etc etc. But I am not always that controlled I have to say.

The problem with that, is that it's both adults then indulging in this PA behaviour which the child is then in the middle of. How does one defend oneself against it without entering into that kind of unhealthy duel?

I don't think its possible tbh. I just want my dc to know that his moans are silly and not to be taken seriously. I never continue past that point. Just busy myself with other activities.

Hi confusedandangry - yes my ex was usually lovely in front of others although he did do the talking to others (particularly the children) and ignoring me thing. My children hate the atmosphere and so there is no contact between me and ex except for business-like emails on my part.

I did try for quite a long time to communicate as an adult about the children after we split - mainly because I still thought I was imagining things - and it's taken a long time to be able to deal with him. If we didn't have children I would have never looked back.

I guess the thing that swayed me is that if the 'real' ex was the lovely one why would he choose to be agressive and intimidating with me? After all he didn't have to stay if I was that bad - I think that this behaviour is all about getting your own way - bit like a toddler tantrum - only a giant intimidating toddler who you can't put in time out!!

I think as far as the sweetness and light with other people thing goes, that's common as well. The person in the case I was close to was a pillar of the church, loved to help other people out and solve their problems, and generally be needed and highly thought of. But he reserved his nasty side for his partner who obviously for years thought it must be her fault as everyone else thought he was so marvellous.

MT, did it taste nice tho? It's chocolatey isn't it (sorry I have a one track mind sometimes!) I don't drink so I can only think it must taste very pleasant.

CAA, ex during our very last argument, informed me that he was getting me a VW Beetle, and he loved me so much and did so much for me and I was so ungrateful. Keeping in mind he wouldn't let me have driving lessons, he never ever bought me anything anyway ever, I think he thought the carrot would keep me hanging on. Heck I'll buy my VW Beetle!

Kate, how long since you left your x?

Do you think they ever 'forgive' you for leaving them, and treat you the same way they treat the rest of the World... I have NO contact with my x as the only thing that gives me any feeling of power is to remove his chance to make digs etc... There is NO way I can even be in the same room. He is of course very angry that my Mum does handovers and that he is denied the opportunity to put me down and undermine me. He told my mum I am a coward for not facing him. She said, she doesn't have to face you, you're not together. But he doesn't get it! He sees it as proof of my weakness and inferiority that I won't face him, (for more sniping).

Just wondering if it gets easier really!?