Is this passive aggressive? Really need some advice here.

[confusedandangry]

First I will give you an example. On the train the other day, I peeled an orange and divided it into segments to give to my two year old dd. As I was doing so my h pulled a disgusted face and muttered "Oh dear, lets find a bin for this shall we?" meaning the peel still on the table and shuddered. When I told him I was about to put it in the bin he said smilingly "Well its a bit disgusting and dirty to leave it there isn't it?", shaking his head as though really surprised someone could be quite so disgusting as I was being.

Today we went out shopping for New Year and he offered to take us for lunch. I was really pleased and said with enthusiasm "Oh Great". After about 5 minutes he said "Didnt you and the kids go out for lunch yesterday?" (me and dc had been away at my parents), I said No we hadnt and looked disbelieving and then said "Really?" I again replied that we hadn't and then he smirked at me and said "Come on, look I don't want to be taking the dc out for lunch two days in a row, just tell me the truth". I was telling the farkin truth!

This is just two examples of things he does like this. I feel like I am going nuts. When we got home he went straight to bed and when I tried to speak to him about it he said "how dare you try to blame this on me, stop bullying me, I want to go to sleep" and refused to say another word to me. These things seem so small and silly and I feel silly writing them down but after these episodes I feel so angry and stressed out, I literally feel sick with anger. We have been together for 8 years and he does this kind of thing quite a lot, probably monthly. Is there a name for this? Anyone else experience this sort of thing? Or am I totally overreacting? Thank you.

He might be unaware of how bad and undermining his behaviour is.

I would address it with him and insist on Relate or similar.

"Is there a name for this" ?

There is a name for him, and men like him.

Nob-end.

He sounds a total cunt.

I would get him into counselling quick. If he won't acknowledge that he's doing this and that it's a problem, then I don't see how you can carry on living with it. It's soul-destroying.

BTW, he is not a good father. Teaching your children to play mind-games is not good parenting, it's shit.

Agree with littlejinglebellas. It will affect your children, more and more as they get older.

There is an extra male gene, accurately defined by a friend of mine as 'The Wanker Gene', and it looks as if the men mentioned on this thread have been severely affected by it.

My heart goes out to you, ladies. I hope that things will get better for you.

I wouldn't worry about the looks at other people etc. They will see what is really happening. Trust people to make their own judgements.

My dh went through a 'phase' of being really really horrible like this too (I am lucky in that he is not actually like this underneath - long story not relevant etc). I was humiliated and enraged and miserable. However, I did find that other people who witnessed his little snubs etc saw EXACTLY what was happening and their sympathy was very definitely with me, not him.

Definitely not a healthy relationship. I spent years feeling that I wasn't measuring up, wasnt' pleasing my x in many ways. His default mode was 'criticise' and 'blame'. It was torture walking on eggshells all the time, and things got WORSE, not better, before I left.

Some men see their partner as a bold child, not an equal adult.

You can either, every time he does it, smile beatifically and say 'Hemorrhoids hurting again darling? Because you're being a twat.' Or you can end the relationship. Because his behaviour is entirely unacceptable; he's bullying you to make himself feel better.

CAA, antoher thing that I can identify with is the way your h acts like the normal sane one infront of everybody. For a long time, even my parents thought that I was overreacting and dramatic and had pnd, but that was becuase I was ashamed to tell quite how bad things were. The extent to which my x regulrarly belittled me and abused me, and then looked like mr nice guy in a suit making pleasant small talk with the neighbours.

Luckily your mum sees through him. You'll have her support.

I left my x and never once have I had anything resembling a sorry. Just more abuse really, I was crazy to leave, histrionic, wanted an easy life, had pnd, was a quitter, was selfish, blah blah blah blah blah,,,,,,,,, everything except sorry. which is frustrating, but I'm so glad I didn't try to spend the rest of my life with such an unreasonable, selfish, critical, abusive man.

He's behaving like a nasty, bullying tosser. Has he always been like this?

You could sit him down and have a serious chat about how he must start treating you with some respect - and call him on it every time he's so bloody rude. If that doesn't work, insist on Relate. If he won't accept there's anything wrong, I don't really see much future for the pair of you. This kind of thing is soul destroying - and not a good example for your kids.

Sorry, missed the bit about eight years. I'm not sure there's much hope of him changing then. Try Relate as a last ditch effort.

Oh my goodness I am reading all this very carefully, all sounds very similar to XP!He gets away with it too, it is habitual I am sure. I honestly think he (xp that is) thinks he is the reasonable one but when I am recounting things he has said and done he sounds selfish to the point of being unhinged. His mum just lets him get away with it most of the time for the sake of peace and quiet. I have been guilty of this too but am trying to not let him get away with too much in case he does it to DD one day. That I couldn't tolerate. I agree it is so hard though when it is little things that he makes seem like nothing.

Oh gosh, that's amazing - my DP's mum is just the same. I have started noticing how she backs down every time he raises his voice or gets grumpy. She's obviously learned how to massage his ego and manage his moods. Not sure I can do that though
He said to me once, 'If I don't shout and make a scene, she just goes on and on... it's the only way to get her to drop it'

H's Mum is exactly the same with his Dad and I notice more and more that she is now like it with H. She is a lost cause though. She deep down believes that man are superior and should be deferred to. They have very specific gender roles in their family and I find that H is constantly trying to implement them in our family.

He would never go to relate. It is weird because he will go for a good few weeks doing and saying nothing and then all of sudden just as I have let my guard down and I am opening up to him again KEPOW in he comes with a nice little verbal punch in the ribs, that leaves me breathless with pain.

"He would never go to relate"

So he'd rather get divorced than go to a couple of counselling sessions? Yes, lots of men appear to value their marriages and relationships that little, I'm always stunned by how little they actually care about the people they say they love.

If you put it to him that if he doesn't do counselling with you for this problem, you will no longer want to live with him, would he value his marriage enough to go then? Or is he one of those blokes who doesn't actually value you and his marriage that much, do you think?

Take a look at this -

www.passiveaggresive.com/articles/4_Ways_of_Understanding_Passive_Aggresive.php

Ask him, just in case he surprises you.

But if he refuses to change, I think you have to think very seriously about the future of your relationship. Continuing to put up with it would make you miserable - do you really want that for the rest of your days? And set a very bad pattern for your children to follow.

FWIW, carrying on like this is very bad for him, too. Allows him to get away with bullying you and bullies get worse and worse if they aren't stopped. He's turning into someone very nasty indeed. It's in his own interests to make the effort to stop, if only he'd see that.

bitsnbobs

"THERE IS A BASIC RULE:

Don?t expect or want anything important, fundamental, or vital from Passive Aggressive people, at least at the beginning. As much detached you can be from the final outcome of any shared project, the more protected you are from manipulations that would disappoint you.

You can count on your own resources, but do not depend on the Passive Agressive person for financial, emotional or companionship issues. If you could get severely hurt if disappointed, this is the weak point where you are going to be hit."

This is how I have been living my life for about 5 years now. In a constant state of protecting myself. Never allowing myself to trust him for anything at all.

He has now started telling me that the reason he is so angry with me is because my Mum and Dad have no regards for the safety of our kids. Because they have a calor gas heater in the kitchen and because they leave the door to the garden a jar sometimes to let the dogs in and out. My children are never in the garden unsupervised but he says I am lying about this and don't care about my childrens safety. He says he is disgusted to have a wife who does not care about her own kids. He refuses to discuss the orange peel or lunch episodes. He hates me getting on with my parents. Will always give me crap after I have visited them. He claims this is because I had a bad childhood. I did but I have had this out with my parents and they are a millions times better and trying very hard to have a good relationship with me and the kids.

I fucking hate him so much it is beyond measure.

It's possible he's trying to detach you from your parents so you can be even more of an easy target for him.

confused I feel the need to post - this is my H and I have been with hm 10 years - he has eroded every last bit of slef confidence and self esteem I have and made me feel like it has all been my fault!
3 years ago he had an affair and a baby witht the Ow - he is yet to say sorry and somehow that was my fault to!
It has taken me a very long time to get where I am and finally am ready to face the music and file for divorce - he says he will never let me go!
It gets worse and worse - we have progressed to a slap and almost forcing me to have sex and we have not lived together for 2 years - my advice to you now before it gets worse - run run like the wind as fast and as far as you can - he will never ever change because he doesnt see that he has to or what he is doing wrong!
Many many thoughts and sympathy it is the hardestthing to do to stop blamng yourself for their failings and theirs alone !

I don't think he even knows he is doing that but I think so too. There is always a massive row and vicious accusations of me being a bad mother whenever I go there for a visit. He hates me getting on with them. Never a good word to say about them. I do understand because I have told him a lot of what went on in my childhood but HIS parents were bloody awful to him to but that never seems to matter. He is allowed to pursue a relationship with them with no arguments and the dc are allowed to spend time with them despite the fact that his father physically attacked h in front of our son a few years ago. It is only me that has to put up with all this for having a relationship with my own parents.

I told him today that I want him to leave, he says he will go at the end of the month. He then starts telling me I will have another man moved in within a month because I cant manage on my own and as I dont care about my childrens safety he cant possibly leave them with me. This marriage has been over for a long time, I realise that but he has always told me it is my fault that he is like he is and I think because of low self esteem I have believed him.

Sorry this is so long.

God so familiar my H is convinced the only reason I am divorcing him is because I have another man - he cannot conceive it miht be because of the way he treats me !
Good luck

I agree with edam, I think it is common for bullies to try and take you away from friends and family so you are completely at their mercy. It sounds like it's all about control (his of you). Is he not in control in other areas of his life??

My ex-DH told me to just 'stop talking to your parents because they aren't very nice people'. They have their flaws but are essentially lovely people, they just didn't like him, with reason! So he wanted to drive a wedge between us.

How awful for you and the others in the same situation.

Do you (and Vicky) feel strong enough to consider either insisting on counselling/leaving?

Thanks for your post Macdoodle. I spent so long on mine that i didn't see yours.

I am so so sorry for you and how shit your H is. I know that even if I left him he would still verbally abuse me and call me disgusting names. I imagine have one of my big rugby playing ex army mates there one time when he does it (I never would because of dc) who would be able to stand up to the vicious litte s*it. I am feeling stronger and stronger as I am typing these posts.

confused, who's name is the house under, dont let him prolong the leaving he'll only find ways of staying longer and making your life a misery.

My ex told me I was having an affair and called me really disgusting names too. In the end I told him that due to his behaviour I was probably gay now anyway...I'm not (I don't think), but heck it pissed him off (yes I know very childish).
My experience of men with ex hardly inspires me to go rushing off into the arms of another man...