Is this passive aggressive? Really need some advice here.

[confusedandangry]

First I will give you an example. On the train the other day, I peeled an orange and divided it into segments to give to my two year old dd. As I was doing so my h pulled a disgusted face and muttered "Oh dear, lets find a bin for this shall we?" meaning the peel still on the table and shuddered. When I told him I was about to put it in the bin he said smilingly "Well its a bit disgusting and dirty to leave it there isn't it?", shaking his head as though really surprised someone could be quite so disgusting as I was being.

Today we went out shopping for New Year and he offered to take us for lunch. I was really pleased and said with enthusiasm "Oh Great". After about 5 minutes he said "Didnt you and the kids go out for lunch yesterday?" (me and dc had been away at my parents), I said No we hadnt and looked disbelieving and then said "Really?" I again replied that we hadn't and then he smirked at me and said "Come on, look I don't want to be taking the dc out for lunch two days in a row, just tell me the truth". I was telling the farkin truth!

This is just two examples of things he does like this. I feel like I am going nuts. When we got home he went straight to bed and when I tried to speak to him about it he said "how dare you try to blame this on me, stop bullying me, I want to go to sleep" and refused to say another word to me. These things seem so small and silly and I feel silly writing them down but after these episodes I feel so angry and stressed out, I literally feel sick with anger. We have been together for 8 years and he does this kind of thing quite a lot, probably monthly. Is there a name for this? Anyone else experience this sort of thing? Or am I totally overreacting? Thank you.

tomme,
sorry it has upset you, you seem to have had a bad time.
Thanks for sharing your story, sorry it is so sad.

Tomme, I agree with anyfucker wholeheartedly.
Lots of mums think they are doing whats best for the kids sake. Please continue to enlighten us so we can understand how to stop the poison spreading.

I don't know if this is relevant but after reading this thread last night I realised that every relationship I've had prior to my DP was as described on here. I never knew before that it was abuse. Now I have realised how subservient I am. Always saying sorry and asking "Is that ok?" Always wondering how my comments and remarks would be taken etc... I thought this was normal. DP always looks at me in a bemused fashion. It just goes to show how subtle this kind of thing is and how it really does make you think its you. So great respect to the OP and all the other brave ladies on this thread who have taken a stand.

and you too, lessonlearned

I see you around now, your 1st post was a few nights ago I think

please stick around xx

not everyone is ready to hear that their dp is not good for them, but eventually they will be

Also LL, I think leaving an abusive relationship, when you are probably at the lowest point you have ever been in your life, is very scary and daunting. I know from experience it sometimes easier to use the children as an excuse to stay. You have so much going on inside your head, in your life, so little confidence and self esteem, it's overwhelming. BUT, in the end it is the most life changing thing an abused woman can do. I eventually left my ex H with 3 children and 75p to my name but the night I did I had the best nights sleep in years!

Sirius, I'm learning how many different paths abuse takes. Some abuse is only subtle until challenged. There are times when appealing to reason is not wise and the only thing to do is to run and don't look back.

sirius, your post is very relevant, the subtlety of the digs (often disguised as "jokes")is how they get away with it for so long. You start to wonder whether you just don't have a sense of humour and then they cross a line and you wake up to the underlying nastiness. Glad you got out and are happy now!

I am happy now and I've just got to get over being a mousy weed for no reason!!

Ahh the "jokes"!!! My exDH would have the kids whoop with delight with his battlecry of "Spockhold!!!" I never quite got the joke - the punchline was always "miserable bitch!" Guess I just never had the right sense of humour for that one.

The last straw for me was when my 4 year old son started to talk to me in the same way as his father. How could I tell him off when he was just imitating his Daddy .
The last argument I had with ex p I was pointing out to him how I was doing so much for our family looking after our 3 children (twin babies) cooking cleaning etc whilst he was studying for a degree and very little else and he said "well don't cook for me then your food tastes like muck anyway it tastes like shit"
Ungrateful bastard!
He said this in front of our 4 year old along with olot of other nasty comments.
Next day 4 year old repeated to me what he'd heard the previous day. It was a wake up call .
It is more damaging to the children if you stay in an abusive relationship. To see their mother being disrespected is so upsetting and confusing for them.

There are so many examples I could share I don't know whereto start. The one thing I do now know is that my father never felt that he matched up to his siblings achievements. They were a very destructive family but close in that during my childhood we sport a lot of tine together as families.

My father projected his issues onto my mother and long before any violence started would do things like compare what my aunties would wear etc to my mother and take her shopping to buy things to wear for these occasions. The being taken shopping obviously to the outside world comes across as a good thing but he would choose everything and then be in a foul mood with her after any family gathering for not getting it right and showing him up.

They split up over 6 years ago and my mother is only just developing her own sense of style. FWlW all my friends used to comment on how glamorous she was for a mum of 4 but at home she was always the dowdy frump who didn't have a clue, all said as a joke of course.

This is the mildest example of his behaviour I can think of. I didn't want to talk about the more extreme yet as it allows people to say my DH isn't that bad it's not the same.

Hi timeforme, it is amazing to look back and realise what you can do in difficult circumstances when the alternative is so bleak. You would never know you had those capabilities until you are backed into a corner.

Gosh LL, I can honestly say that every difficult step I made and all the things I achieved after leaving made me a person I am proud of. I found a strength I never knew exsisted. I had spent the whole of my life in an abusive situation, first with parents and then with the exH, I don't know where I got the strength or the confidence from to leave but I did it. No matter what happens in my life now, I know I will get through it, if I could manage to get through all of that I can get through anything. Also, it sounds a silly thing to say but, all the struggles I had as a single parent after leaving were hard but they were also very rewarding. Every little thing I achieved made me a very happy woman.

Im wondering how the OP, confusedandangry, thinks now after this response?
Please let us know if you are alright.

I was wondering about the OP too.. confused, are you there?

H was totally vile to me last night (following a rollocking from his mum where she let him know what she thought of him for rushing off to work away while I was ill at home alone with the dc's), acting completely like a spoiled child when I reasonably suggested he shower in the downstairs bathroom (he's slept in another room this week as we've both been unwell) to avoid waking us all when he left early in the morning. It's a lovely bathroom, no hardship to have to use it but he was so petulant about me daring to ask him I actually had to laugh - sticking his middle finger at me, hissing that I was a bitch, stomping around the room etc.
He really couldn't deal with me laughing at him being mean to me - had no way to compute it at all.

He left early this morning but must talk to him later.

What delightfully mature methods he has of dealing with conflict
Maybe change your name to "sickofthistwat"?
Just a thought
Well done for rising above it all. It's depressing to have to do it at all, but a definite sign that you are stronger

Confused - alot of what you and others have said really resonates.

Regardless of their work stress and relatives stress it's not right to take it out on us.

Confused - your h seems to really dislike you - his reason is probably resentment. My h is the same when I see my family and he tuts and sighs at anythihng they do or offer to the point where my mum is feeling really low seeing me treated so badly and also he treating her so badly by taking our ds off my dmum when she goes to talk to him. Nasty bloke.

They've got no idea about taking responsbility for their actions. You leave and go get yourself a good and decent life.

I am amazed at how this thread took off and how many people are going through the same thing.

I haven't posted in a few days as I was feeling a bit paralysed tbh and buried my head in the sand I suppose. It is quite scary to realise that I actually do need to do something about this and can't keep putting off some decisive action.

I spoke to h about all the comments he makes and how they make me feel and he said "well we all have faults, this one is mine, I will work at it". I dont believe that though. If it was a "fault" surely he would be doing it all the time. It is the replica of the abuse cycle in his behaviours that makes me realise it is beyond that.

He has been sweetness and light since the 2nd, I have been frosty though. I honestly believe I will never allow him to drag me back in as I have so many times before. I feel that I have totally emotionally disengaged. I can never, ever trust him, I realise that now. I can't ever really be his friend and let him back in because as soon as I do he attacks me. Holding him at arms length seems to work for now until I can make postive arrangements.

I am glad that so many people posted on here. Think it might be good to try to keep the thread going because so many people seem to be affected by the issues in it. Thanks again for all your support and sharing your experiences with me. It really has been invaluable in helping me disengage from him.

It's so good to hear from you again CAA. I was worried I had hijacked your thread and scared the living bejesus out of you. I'm glad you are pulling out the hooks but I fear that if your dh does not win with one tack he will merely use another. It sounds like you are enjoying some respite at the mo so make the most of it to be good to yourself.

caa, maybe it's worth thinking thro your options. You cant live in a situation where you are forever trying to keep your partner at arms length, it's going to be so emotionally draining.

Maybe seek legal advice, lots of solicitors do free half hour initial consultations. Speak to the HA see how easy it would be to relocate you or to get you on the lease and him out, might also be worth asking solicitors this, speak to womens aid for advice too, I'm sure they'll have some practical advice to offer.

Just so you have a fair idea of what ot expect if you do decide to try and leave. The first steps are always the scariest. I honestly do know this.
Do you have friends and family to help you and support you near by?