Is this passive aggressive? Really need some advice here.

[confusedandangry]

First I will give you an example. On the train the other day, I peeled an orange and divided it into segments to give to my two year old dd. As I was doing so my h pulled a disgusted face and muttered "Oh dear, lets find a bin for this shall we?" meaning the peel still on the table and shuddered. When I told him I was about to put it in the bin he said smilingly "Well its a bit disgusting and dirty to leave it there isn't it?", shaking his head as though really surprised someone could be quite so disgusting as I was being.

Today we went out shopping for New Year and he offered to take us for lunch. I was really pleased and said with enthusiasm "Oh Great". After about 5 minutes he said "Didnt you and the kids go out for lunch yesterday?" (me and dc had been away at my parents), I said No we hadnt and looked disbelieving and then said "Really?" I again replied that we hadn't and then he smirked at me and said "Come on, look I don't want to be taking the dc out for lunch two days in a row, just tell me the truth". I was telling the farkin truth!

This is just two examples of things he does like this. I feel like I am going nuts. When we got home he went straight to bed and when I tried to speak to him about it he said "how dare you try to blame this on me, stop bullying me, I want to go to sleep" and refused to say another word to me. These things seem so small and silly and I feel silly writing them down but after these episodes I feel so angry and stressed out, I literally feel sick with anger. We have been together for 8 years and he does this kind of thing quite a lot, probably monthly. Is there a name for this? Anyone else experience this sort of thing? Or am I totally overreacting? Thank you.

Kate agree totally - leave and limit!!!!!!
My H does exactly that sucks me in blames me and tell me what I have done wrong - so I dont talk to him at all now if I can help it Which is carp for the kids but totally the right thing!
Bloody hell didnt realise there were so many of us about - hope you are ok today confused !

The thing is, if the nastiness was constant most of us would leave easily. When the lull happens one starts to believe that perhaps he's changed, maybe life can be great and the marriage is working and worth giving another go. It took me 11 years to get out, and in the end he was being very violent, I'm actually (looking back) very surprised that I don't have any lasting physical damage done to my person.

I don't see myself as a victim either, I'm a reasonably with it, educated, professional woman and on the outside of it, friends and family thoguht I had a wonderful life, ex used to go and cry to friends and (my) family
if we ever argued, so everyone would think I was the bitch.
Whats more I never ever bitched about ex to anyone, because I thought if I did friends and family would hate him and I couldnt bear my friends disliking my husband, he used it to his advantage and would really make a huge martyr of himself...

I would start taking steps to remove myself from the situation.

Start putting money aside in seperate bank account for yourself, talk to housing association, would he notice if child benefit and tax credits did not go into joint account?
Be really nice to him in the meantime but get out.

It might seem like an extreme reaction to anyone who hasn't been there, but my tolerance for this kind of behaviour is now non-existant, I lost my entire 20's tiptoeing round a man who most certainly did not deserve me. It rips me apart to see other women going through this.

CAA,

When I left my x, he turned some of his anger on my parents, who "made it too easy for me" to leave him!!!! ie, they helped me out financially and emotionally and gave me practical support.

He hates them because of them I was not left to his cruel mercies!!!

Please leave this man. I wish I could just wave a wand and send you the strength to leave him. I spent 8 yrs with a man who belittled me and undermined me, and sighed at things like a jigsaw on the floor (in a house with young children )

Leave him.

Glad the link was helpful CAA - you are not going mad- it is a well documented phenomenon - it's as if they all read from the same book of nob behaviour... (Should that be knob? - I never know...)
Knowledge is power - you don't have to wait and see what he will do next, which robs him of the upper hand.

Yes Katisha, I thought I was unique, the lone unfortunate who had ended up with such an awful, awful man. But there are millions of them, clones, all adhering precisely to the manual.

Fuzzywuzzy, if you changed 11 yrs to 8 yrs, I could have written your post.

My x would have broken a weaker woman than I am. I'm like you, strong, intelligent, educated,,,, but I wasted years putting up a front because it was so embarrassing to be with such an awful man.
If I'd been weaker, he would have destroyed me.

Confused, I found a link on narcissistic personality disorder which I wasn't looking at in relation to DH, but suddenly realised he was ticking virtually every box..
Funnily enough these men like to be in control, will usually refuse all outside help and slowly undermine the confidence of any woman they're with. I also know a female ex friend with the same thing, it isn't pleasant for anyone around her (which is why I broke all contact), and the walking on eggshells theme is recurrent.

Now I'm aware of these comments, I've noticed just this weekend, "you'd better be careful or I'll pack my knapsack" said supposedly in jest after I'd teased him while playing cards with the family, "maybe I'll move down to the spare room permanently" he's been in there as we've both been ill at the moment and doesn't want to pick up my bug. Plus numerous digs about my buying the wrong flavour crisps, moving his things - he once left a load of paperwork on the top of our gas hob, went away for the week to work and whinged when it had been moved when he came back!!
And the worst one - when dc walloped him in the groin, "be careful, I might want to have more children at some point!" Not we, I... WTF is all that about?

He picks an argument about once a month to remind me that he's a little bored with me and that I'm dull and only talk about the children and then is relatively pleasant the rest of the time. He came home the other day and was anticipating being able to pull me up for not having any kind of food in or ready for him, I'd wrongfooted him by doing a full roast so he went off back to the office, came back an hour later and picked the argument then. It is wearing.

I've only really noticed all of this since we had our second child though, whether that triggered something in him I don't know.

Thats how I feel Liffey. I can't count the amount of times I have said that if he had married someone younger than me or a bit more clueless he would have destroyed them.

He is being an absolute twunt today. I went and asked him to watch the dc while I walked the dog, admittedly I was short with him and he did a nasty smirk and said "don't come in here being aggressive". I was short not aggressive. He keeps saying he is not going to allow me to bully him anymore. It seems that when we are on an even keel I am bullying him according to him. I just thought we were getting along ok. That is what is sending me crazy. When we are being what I feel is normal he says that I was bullying him or walking all over him and he was just putting up with it and thats why we didnt argue. I honestly don't think I am or am I? Maybe I am the abusive one but don't know it. He says that I say undermining and underhand things as well but couldn't give me an example. I feel on a knife edge. I am managing not to snap at my kids but only with an iron will. I almost feel like walking out just to get away from him and the way I feel just now. I wont though.

Usually the apologies phase comes quicker than this but this is going on an on and I feel like I am going crazy. Can someone give me some tips or things to say for dealing with him and not being pulled into another awful row. I just don't want to talk to him at all. He allegedly is moving out at the end of the month. I will contact HA on Monday. I just want this over but I cant even see how to get through the next 4 weeks.

groups.msn.com/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/isyourpartneranarcissist1.msnw

link here. See what you think..!

and confused, I'm sure it's not you. I've wondered the same about me but I know it's not me, I've become so aware of being reasonable at all times, I know that there is no more I can do to accommodate him and his petulant requests. It's all part of the disorder that they manipulate you into feeling culpable. Feckwits.

He scored 108 on that quiz ie Your Partner has Many Narcisstic Characteristics. Think I was a bit generous with some of the answers as well. I think it is a combination of a number of personality disorders Passive Aggression/NPD and APD.

Just out of interest could I approach Womans Aid for assistance? I feel like it would be under false pretences because I do stand up for myself, not that it stops him but I am not cowering in a corner or anything. I am scared of him though.

He says I can't be scared of him because I still answer him back and won't back down. I am though. He pushed me down a flight of stairs last Christmas, though he said it was an accident.

CAA it's not you. He has a personality disorder and his own version of reality. It does not conform to yours and never will. He will genuinely believe himself to be a victim because that is how he justifies his behaviour to himself. You are now waking up to this - don't blame yourself. I watched someone put up with this sort of thing and worse for 13 years, getting to various crisis points and then deciding it was up to them to keep the peace, before finally the abuser overstepped the mark more that usual and it thankfully ended. Don't waste any more of your time thinking it's you or that it's up to you to keep him happy. You can't.

Yes you can approach Women's Aid - they know about verbal and emotional abuse. Doesn't have to involve being knocked about.

CAA its not you its not you!!!!!!!!
I am at the divorce stage now finally we have been seperated 2 years and I have a little mantra that I say to myself in my head when I waver (also my close friends and some online friends know it and will shout it at me when they can see a wobble)!
It goes like this
"Its not me, its not my fault, I am a good person, I deserve good things, I deserve nice things to happen to me" and it works it really doesn

DH scored about the same. Definitely characteristics of narcissism. It does help me understand that this isn't my fault.

macdoodle I like your mantra! May I also adopt it please?

He is constantly undermining you. Of course you feel awful. Go to a counsellor.

Sick of this rain, I nodded along to that list. My x did almost all of these. Even the one where he threw back my confession in my face (that my dad had spent a while in a psychiatric hospital). he later threw it back at me as proof that insanity and mental illness ran in my family.

1. Constantly looks to you to meet their needs
2. Expects you to know what he/she expects, desires, and needs without having to ask for it
3. Gets upset when you are perceived to be critical or blaming
4. Expects you to put his/her needs before your own
5. Seeks attention in indirect ways
6. Expects you to openly admire him/her
7. Acts childish, e.g., sulks or pouts
8. Accuses you of being insensitive or uncaring without cause or notice
9. Finds fault with your friends

10. Becomes angry when challenged or confronted 11. Does not seem to recognize your feelings 12. Uses your disclosures to criticize, blame, or discount you 13. Is controlling 14. Lies, distorts, and misleads 15. Is competitive and uses any means to get what is wanted 16. Has a superior attitude 17. Is contemptuous of you and others 18. Is arrogant 19. Is envious of others 20. Demeans and devalues you 21. Is self-centered and self absorbed 22. Has to be the center of attention 23. Manipulates others to win attention 24. Is impulsive and reckless 25. Boasts and brags 26. Is insensitive to your needs 27. Makes fun of others? mistakes or faults 28. Engages in seductive behavior 29. Is vengeful 30. Expects favors, but does not return them

CAA, it's not you, you are not bullying him, you are trying to live your life despite it being made utterly impossible.

Ex has now told everyone that I was the one beign violent to him, he filed papers in court anouncing that despite the fact I am a third his body weight (I was six stones by the time I escaped him) and foot shorter than him, I apparently have demonic strength when angered and he was scared of my violence...... of course he is the one with police cautions, however he keeps coming up with fresh bruises and cuts claiming I have been beating him up, this is despite the fact that I have had a restraining order against him since February 2008, so unless the voodoo is working I cannot fathom how I am causing him any personal injury. I dont actually even think about him much now, just in terms of getting thro the divorce process.

It's not you, you are not mad, you are not a bully he is, smile thro gritted teeth, apologise if you must be absolutely saccharine, you can get thro the next four days and you will be fine once you get the ball rolling.

Do you have any friends in RL to help you?

Liffey I am so sorry you've been there too, do these guys all belog to the same secret wankers club or something?

LOL at voodoo, not a bad idea for some of these blokes if it worked.

He threw you down stairs and then said it was an accident? Yes of course it was. He's not going to say: "I did it deliberately because I have a simmering resentment of you that I can only release in horrible undermining comnments which you can't challenge and then violence which I can claim is accidental".

Most physical abusers claim that the first few times they employ physical violence against their victims, it is an accident. They are lying.

The others are right - it is passive agressive manipulative behaviour.

My ex would follow me around the house screaming in my face and jabbing his finger at me in a really intimidating manner - this because I questioned how he felt for me after he was particularly nasty when I was ill. Actually he always WAS particularly horrible when I was ill!

When I said I was scared (I was!) he would scream into my face that he wasn't intimidating and if anything he was scared of me!
I used to get really confused thinking I had somehow done something wrong - but you know what I hadn't, he just wanted me to shut up! and now I know that he ALWAYS wanted his own way and the way to get it about everything was to wrong-foot me.

It does become much clearer when you're not caught up in it. An example - I have a 19yr old son and three other children all of whom went on holiday with my ex in the summer. However, my son went to see his girlfriend the night before they went abroad when my ex apparently wanted him to stay in.

The result of that was that my son wasn't spoken to for the whole 12 days they were abroad except to tell him where to sit when travelling. When my son spoke to his dad he ignored him and spoke to the other (younger) children. My ex ignored him struggling with bags where usually he'd help and a whole load of other stuff designed to make it clear to my son that he was being ignored. A miserable holiday for my son who still after all that fell for my ex's explanation a month later which was 'he hadn't realised he'd grown-up'. Since my son loves his dad he'll let it go but he's learnt a lesson and I've noticed has limited his time around him.

Sorry this is so long but it really takes me back to a time when I wasn't sure what was going on - once again leave now and run run run!!!

Am feeling both uplifted and saddened by this thread!
Uplifted to know I am not alone and I can get away and heal and move on
Saddened to know that so many bright articulate women are treated in this way - saddened that we need to shout and tell each other to run away, saddened that many of us lived like this for so long - if it wasnt for my beautiful DD's I would have felt like the last 10 years of my life were a terrible waste

He regularly gets in my way. If I come in with the buggy and bags of shopping in our narrow hall, he will bend down and spend ages speaking to dd in the buggy while I am standing there and cannot get past, if I say anything he says innocently I am only saying hello to my daughter. One time on the tube we were going down the stairs and I had hold of the bottom of the buggy and because we had just had words he started walking really fast down the stairs thus forcing me to walk really fast until I fell down the last three stairs still holding the buggy. If he feels I am too slow going across the road or down a street he will nudge or push into me and steer me physically but with anger if you know what I mean?

He is just talking to me normally now and said "what are we just never going to talk again?". If I don't talk to him I cant be accused of bullying him can I?

Your poor son Kate. I can't believe so many people understand what I am talking about. It all seems so petty that you can hardly believe you are bothered by these silly little things.