Is this passive aggressive? Really need some advice here.

[confusedandangry]

First I will give you an example. On the train the other day, I peeled an orange and divided it into segments to give to my two year old dd. As I was doing so my h pulled a disgusted face and muttered "Oh dear, lets find a bin for this shall we?" meaning the peel still on the table and shuddered. When I told him I was about to put it in the bin he said smilingly "Well its a bit disgusting and dirty to leave it there isn't it?", shaking his head as though really surprised someone could be quite so disgusting as I was being.

Today we went out shopping for New Year and he offered to take us for lunch. I was really pleased and said with enthusiasm "Oh Great". After about 5 minutes he said "Didnt you and the kids go out for lunch yesterday?" (me and dc had been away at my parents), I said No we hadnt and looked disbelieving and then said "Really?" I again replied that we hadn't and then he smirked at me and said "Come on, look I don't want to be taking the dc out for lunch two days in a row, just tell me the truth". I was telling the farkin truth!

This is just two examples of things he does like this. I feel like I am going nuts. When we got home he went straight to bed and when I tried to speak to him about it he said "how dare you try to blame this on me, stop bullying me, I want to go to sleep" and refused to say another word to me. These things seem so small and silly and I feel silly writing them down but after these episodes I feel so angry and stressed out, I literally feel sick with anger. We have been together for 8 years and he does this kind of thing quite a lot, probably monthly. Is there a name for this? Anyone else experience this sort of thing? Or am I totally overreacting? Thank you.

I am glad you are feeling stronger.
Hang on to that.

There is not a molecule in me that wishes to become involved with another man. I know everyone says this but I can't imagine I would ever trust a man again after his behaviour throughout our marriage. I long for peace living with my children and never feeling that feeling in my stomach as though I have just been punched after one of his bouts of nastiness.

House is HA under both of our names.

confused, could you speak to housing association explain to them whats happening and ask for their help?

Get in touch with womens aid maybe see if they can help or advise in any way.

The feeling of freedom is really woderful when one is coming out of that siutation, yes it's a bit scary, but the only way is up now.

You are v. wise to want to end this.

If you stayed with this guy on the same basis as you're with him at the mo, he'd start beating you up, you do know that, don't you? He's doing that classic abuser thing of grooming you to be isolated and have such low self esteem, that by the time he hits you you'll feel like you deserve it and it's your fault. He may not realise he's doing it, it's a subliminal and gradual process, but it sounds like you've caught it at the stage where it's still emotional, not physical abuse.

He is trying to undermine your relationship with your parents, and isolate you from friends, family and support networks.

Whatever label your give to your dh'sbehaviour, I guess the real point is the way his behaviour affects you. You seem deeply and constantly angry with him. Is his his criticism and point scoring constant or is it tempered with a nicer, gentler side? Does he ever make your feel good?

I do think starting counselling would be well worth another go, even if it's all over between you, and even if you end up going on your own or giving him some form of ultimatum to try and force him to come along. his ways of communicating and handling relationships sound as if they need a serious dose of jeyes fluid, and if you're going to have a half-way functional relationship with him as co-parents i would say it's essential.

hope you find the peace you need.

confused, I totally support your decision to leave him. Stay strong.

On the practical side, you need to sort out you and your dd's situation as much as you can in the light of him leaving and possibly not supporting you financially. You already mentioned the housing situation - that needs to be buttoned down. Do the research.

What about bills, other major assets, childcare ....

To buy yourself time, perhaps you could leave the issue of his leaving for a while, so he thinks you just said it in the heat of the moment. But please take this time to lay the groundwork and make the adjustment easier.

I don't know how likely it is that a passive aggressive man would make things difficult for you or even resort to violence . Please consider that as well.

It is the right decision. Get out while you can.

I believe that couples counselling is not recommended for couple in which one person is controlling/abusive because the counselling session become another focus for control/manipulation and is not recommended by abusive experts such as women's aid and rrelate should try to establish this in a pre-counselling interview.

Counselling for you may be worthwhile - but a programme designed for domestic abusers is the only proven way for a sustainalbe change in his behaviour - but if he is anything like my ex he will refuse relate and anything else because he does not believe that any of the problems are his doing.

Yup my H has refused Relate/counselling from the outset - said couldnt see how talking to a stranger would help as we talked fine together - what he meant was he talked, I listened and agreed and he felt better - fuck all about me or my feelings!
I truly loved him and it has taken me a long time to see the damage he has done

whoa hang on.Arent you all been a bit reactive here?He hasnt hit her or tried to stop her seeing her family or friends.How do you know that this is definatly going to happen.He critizises her and its the divoice courts for them.On the plus side he cares about his kids.Her mother doesn`t help by detesting him.You want out.He is in pain.
How about talking about how you feel to him?
I wonder if he has some issues like depression.Be careful.

time am going to guess you have never been with a man like this - for those of us that have her description and the way he makes her feel are ringing big loud long warning bells that she should heed - please do not underplay this - even my mother who has witnessed pretty bad stuff this week is finding it hard to believe - please dont make confused feel even more like she is over reacting!!!!!!!
For years I thought it was me - doignw rong, over reacting, being mad - it wasnt not once !
Confused listent to us listen to your instinct your heart your head do what is right for you and your kids and do it now!
My H has been a gradual escalation and now I am genuinely terrified

Sorry Mac.I am trying to see things from another perspective.I WAS married to a man like this.He changed.I wouldn`t be without him now.Guess I was lucky.

confused I am slightly worried I see some similarities.
Can you give more examples of the seemingly trivial ways he undermines you?

Hi. My advice to you, for the immediate, would be not to get drawn into any arguments or discussions. You do seem to be in a bit of a 'no win' situation with him, he seems to be setting you up in order to gain power over you by making the snidey comments and having you defend yourself only for him to withdraw to his bed and refuse to speak to you. In a way he is relying on you to feed his need IYSWIM. Distance yourself from him as much as you can, in order to give yourself some breathing space and time to think, also to try and build your confidence and self esteem. You are not going nuts!! You may well find that by distancing yourself from him you see a change in him, he may well become passive in order to draw you in again, win you round. You can get through this, you have to be strong and not allow his comments to affect you, the problem is not with you and it probably isn't personal, it's all about him and his own insecurities.

I can very highly recommend the book 'Living with the Passive Aggressive man'. Once you have better understanding you will feel less threatened and more in control.

Here you are

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Passive-aggressive-Man-Personality-Aggression/dp/0671870742/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UT F8&s=books&qid=1230850818&sr=8-1

time4me () am not sure men really like this CAN change so yes you were lucky!

I recognise my DH so much in these examples. He always tries me to make me feel bad. If tea is late he'll sit there and say "oh well, looks like you will be going to bed on a full stomach again, that can't be healthy".
If I cook something he complains about how shit it is and asks DS if his stomach is hurting afterwards. He goes off in huge moods if I stand up to him like a spoilt child and has also been violent.

Something one of the posts said is about he becomes passive to draw me back in. I think that is true and it works each and every time. We have these episodes of comments, name calling and verbal abuse and then nothing for weeks, with him being as nice as he could possibly be, doing and saying all the right things and then all of a sudden I will do something to upset him ie on this occasion not agreeing with him re the safety aspects of my parents home and he goes on the attack starting with the snidey comments and building up to a full blown verbal attack. He says that it is my fault because he cant talk to me. He can talk to me of course but I don't always agree and that is when he becomes enraged and it all starts.

Other examples are on my birthday (no card, no presents) but my parents sent my £20 so I said I would take us out for lunch with it. He was putting on DD's shoes and said to her "Oh dear, your shoes feel a bit small but you cant have any new ones because you Mum wants to go out for lunch today".

He says slightly negative things about me in front of his family and then if I call him on it says "Oh for gods sake it was only a joke" alongside much eye rolling and face pulling all round to members of his family.

School holidays are very relaxed so we get dressed later, this leads to comments about how grubby dc must be feeling sitting around in their clothes all day.

If he asks me something to do with dc even something like have their teeth been brushed, he will ask me two or three times in a silly, unbelieving tone as though I am lying.

Any mess or crumbs in dd's buggy, gets faces pulled and "disgusting" muttered under his breath.

It is not constant but regular enough to absolutely enrage me when it happens. He says that all he wants is for us to get on, but we were getting on. We had a good Christmas and the weeks leading up to it were good, better than for a long time. I notice that this has been the pattern before. As soon as I start to let my guard down (and it was almost completely down this time) he goes off on one.

Sorry this is going on and on. It is very cathartic to write it down and have people understand. I talk to my Mum in RL but she is not always objective - obviously.

Christ, he sounds unbearable

I honestly don't know how anyone could live with this. It is horrible. And a vile, vile, vile way to show your DC's how to behave. It's disgusting.

Sorry, am just so disgusted by this toxic behaviour. Nobody should put up with htis.

littlebella after years of it it becomes so normalised you truly belive that it IS all your fault
I am a strong independant well educated professional and it has taken me 10 years and 3 years of hell to realise the full extent of what they do and how they do it - I think the saddest part is that they honestly do not see themselves as abusers or show any compassion to your hurt and bewilderment
My H response to "you hit me how do I kown you wont do it again" - was not as you would expect that he is sorry and to beg for forgiveness but rather that I have hit him so he was justified - he is 5ft9 well built very strong, I am 5ft2 titch And I have never hit him but as have been reading in websites - I lash out in anger and frustration and resentment and this just justifies his behaviour in his eyes...
The only thing I can do at the moment is to ignore him and even that is causing unbelievable nastiness!
Confused I so feel for you - you are me 3 years ago Run now before it gets worse!!

Have a look at this and from the same site, this.
It's emotional and verbal abuse, essentially. There are lots of interesting bits on that hidden hurt website, which is not all about physical violence.

The Cycle of abuse. That is exactly as I described in my last post. The tension building started over christmas, the acting out period over the past few days and probably for a few more if I know H, then the apologies, then the calm. Till the next time. Because he is so nice when he is nice I always forget until he starts again. I feel like I must be really stupid to keep on forgetting. Thank you for that Katisha that has summed up what is happening more than anything else. It is really helpful to see it written in black and white. It is him and how he does things.

My ex-husband too was like this - lovely as long as he was getting his own way in absolutely everything but as soon as I disagreed with something he would find all sorts of horrible insidious ways of getting revenge.
I too was a professional and reasonably confident but by the end of our relationship he had me doubting myself totally. Always charming to outsiders I really thought it was me imagining things. What 'saved' me really was that I got ill and although he kept telling me that I was crazy etc or the real gem 'that i was doing it to get to him', his mask slipped and others saw his behaviour for what it was. Also my gp was wonderful and was the first to ask me if I felt as if i was treading on eggshells - do you know I didn't even realise I was until then.
Personally I think that there is only one way to deal with people like this and that is to leave and limit all conversation - as soon as you try to talk about the problems they suck you in by telling you all the things you've done to upset them and the problem you're trying to deal with gets bypassed.
I echo the above responses - get out now while you can.

The thing about the shoes and your daughter has just put the sugar on the biscuit for me after reading this whole thread...love, I think you are doing exacly the right thing leaving this awful underhand bully. I hope this is the year that sees you gather your strength and start building a happier life without this man.

FWIW, I left someone much like this, and the DP I have now is the polar opposite and I am incredibly happy and loved, so although it's not number one on your priority list right now, there really are men out there who are wonderful and treat you with respect. Good luck x x