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Original poster

I am having an affair

141 replies

donthateme · 20/12/2008 21:29

ok, I have namechanged. I'm a regular. First of all, can I say I'm not looking for affirmation of what I'm doing; I also hope I don't get flamed, though I accept that I'm taking that risk.
I've been having an affair for the last year.
We don't meet very often, maybe a dozen times over the year, and it's very much a sex affair. There's no emotional baggage; we're not falling in love with eachother, we just fancy eachother and have amazing sex.
A bit of background - my dh has had a couple of flings over the years we've been together. I was devastated when I discovered, but we've worked through the issues and are happy together. Yes, on some deeper level my affair is perhaps about having to prove I am attractive and desirable, but having said that, i'm confident that my dh loves me and is 'the one' for me.
I don't believe my affair is hurting anyone. I would never ever tell anyone in RL about it. I totally accept that it won't last forever, but in the meantime, it makes us both happy.
In the light of recent affair threads, I', genuinely interested to hear other people's views on this. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Or been in one in the past? Do any of you think I am totally utterly morally wrong? If so, why?

OP posts:
Dragonbrandybutter · 20/12/2008 21:33

from the perspective of somebody who as a child had a parent who had affairs i'd say that if you kids find out that you felt it was worth risking everything your family has for the sake of a shag, then your children will feel very worthless indeed. If we get all amateur psych on the issue from the children's perspective it can cause a lot of confidence issues.

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 20/12/2008 21:34

I think 2 wrongs don't make a right. Are you trying to get your own back on your husband?

deanychip · 20/12/2008 21:34

I just dont get this.
genuinely dont get why people in seemingly happy marriages have affairs.
what goes through a persons mind as they embark on an affair, what makes it right in their heads?
Yet it happens all of the time doesnt it?
Its common.

Original poster
donthateme · 20/12/2008 21:34

I think you make a very good point there dragon. The one thing that concerns me is my children discovering, though I have to say that I honestly don't see how they could.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 20/12/2008 21:35

Yes, I agree with dragon.

From a woman's perspective, I can understand your post, and I certainly donthateyou!

But the children must never find out.

Cicatrice · 20/12/2008 21:35

I think that any affair hurts the marriage as it diverts attention away from where it "belongs".

You say that you were devastated when you discovered your DH's flings. If you love him why would you risk hurting him like that? Unless you are still angry with him and therefore feel justified copying his bad behaviour.

whatalotofchocolate · 20/12/2008 21:35

I just think it's going to end up hurting someone. You included. Does the other man have children?

You know from your personal experience the hurt caused by your DH having an affair/s. Do you really want to put yourself through this again? Think about the OW. The pain is so far reaching.

You can be an attractive, desirable woman without having an affair. You need to work on your own self esteem rather than trying to make yourself feel better by sleeping with another womans husband.

People make mistakes, we know - it's up to you to make it better and to make things right.

If you know your DH is the one for you then you should be channeling all your energies into your marriage and be having amazing sex with your husband, not someone elses.

Lizzylou · 20/12/2008 21:36

Truly, you want to know?
From the perspective of a woman who had her heart broken at age 10 because her father had been having an affair (after her Mother's 2 affairs) and it all came to a head on Christmas Eve. 25 years on, I think you are incredibly selfish and if you have children you are sooowrong. It may be just sex to you, but when you find out one parent is having "just sex" with someone else, it's a total headfuck

honestfriend · 20/12/2008 21:37

Why do you feel the need to ask for opinions if you feel you are doing the right thing?

i understand where you are coming from; I just hope neither of you wants more and one of you gets hurt, or that your DH finds out and is hurt.

HeadFairy · 20/12/2008 21:39

Sex is great, great sex is even better, but nothing on earth is better or more important to me than the trust of my dh (and vice versa) Surely sex, even great sex, isn't worth even risking breaking the hearts of the people you love?

Doodle2U · 20/12/2008 21:39

"...in the meantime, it makes us both happy."

But there's three of you involved and it won't make your DH happy, quite the opposite, so that alone tells you it's all wrong.

Your self-esteem needs work if a non-emotional shag with a bloke 12 times a year is boosting your confidence. Can you not boost it in other ways without being adulterous?

Original poster
donthateme · 20/12/2008 21:39

deany - in response to your post, I suspect there is usually a trigger that gets the affair started. Whether it's boredom from being in a long marriage, or unhappiness at something else.. I don't know.
As for what goes through a person's mind... all I can say is, when it's truly a sex affair, it's possible to compartmentalise, and just literally not think about it for the 99% of your life that you're not shagging the other person. I'm sorry if that sounds trite, or dismissive, but I was amazed to discover that for myself. In fact, the thing that held me back a little as the affair was beginning, was the thought that it might take over my thoughts, and that I'd be thinking about him and wanting to be with him.
I suspect with an affair that's emotional too, things are a lot harder. But it's a physical thing for me. It's a bit like having a really good massage. I look forward to it, it feels great, and then I get back to my normal life.
Does that sound bad?
Probably. But that's how it is.

OP posts:
beanieb · 20/12/2008 21:42

I don't think you can be happy in your marriage. Perhaps you are just desensitized by your husband's previous affairs?

lalalonglegs · 20/12/2008 21:42

Actually, if you are really discreet, have no expectations of it becoming some grand passion and are using it as an ego-boost, I think why not? But then I'm someone who doesn't quite understand why sexual infidelity is an automatic deal-breaker.

LilySwalLoosHerTurkeyBaster · 20/12/2008 21:42

'Totally utterly morally wrong' yes and i guess you know that otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

You cannot guarantee your dh or children won't find out and their devestation if that was to happen should matter more than the odd bit of pleasure you get from this.
However a year down the line i guess you have thought all this and the longer it goes on the easier it becomes to justify but the harder the blow for everyone when it ends for whatever reason.

Cicatrice · 20/12/2008 21:43

If having a really good massage is in any way comparable, that would be the way to go, in my opinion. Far less possibility of blood and wreckage.

What if it becomes emotional?

swiftyknickers · 20/12/2008 21:43

my parents both had affairs and my mum has been married twice and is now in a long term relationship with a woman.

i have cheated and probably will again-its a way of validating myself. its learnt behaviour

morally it is wrong...but i never feel guilty

why is that?

Original poster
donthateme · 20/12/2008 21:43

beanie - I think your second point is true. I don't think I would have embarked on it were it not for my DH's flings. But strange as it may sound, we are happy, and stronger I think for having stuck together despite some tough times.

OP posts:
Dragonbrandybutter · 20/12/2008 21:44

it's not learnt behaviour.
it's not learning from mistakes behaviour.

whatalotofchocolate · 20/12/2008 21:46

You've got some more tough times coming if they all find out and it hits the fan.

If you've read all the other posts, you'll see that it normally does, one way or another.

Can't agree with your opinion, I'm sorry.

It's your life and you do what you want with it, but it's an awfully painful way to lead it.

swiftyknickers · 20/12/2008 21:47

i agree with you

I haven't cheated on my DP for years - I was 19 when we met and he was a shit for a few years

I just think it could happen again eventhough we are happy

Dragonbrandybutter · 20/12/2008 21:48

so, dhm, when your husband does find out and you patch it up but he is left with the same issues regarding feeling attractive, he'll go on to have another affair right? is that ok with you?

Cicatrice · 20/12/2008 21:48

I could understand/forgive the grand passion far more. But why risk so much for compartmentalized sex?

Original poster
donthateme · 20/12/2008 21:50

whatalot - it's not painful.
I've had painful times to deal with in my life. A bereavement in my close family, one of my children having a really horrible time being bullied mercilessly when she was little. And all the lesser things that still build up and make life hard - I was unhappy in a job a while back, we've also had money worries. Those things are painful.
This isn't. It makes me feel good, it makes me 'glow'.
I'm not looking for people to justify what i'm doing. I am just telling it like it is. If the affair made me unhappy, I wouldnt be in it.

OP posts:
LilySwalLoosHerTurkeyBaster · 20/12/2008 21:52

'If the affair made me unhappy, I wouldnt be in it.'

Even if it may make your dh or children unhappy ????

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