Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am having an affair

141 replies

donthateme · 20/12/2008 21:29

ok, I have namechanged. I'm a regular. First of all, can I say I'm not looking for affirmation of what I'm doing; I also hope I don't get flamed, though I accept that I'm taking that risk.
I've been having an affair for the last year.
We don't meet very often, maybe a dozen times over the year, and it's very much a sex affair. There's no emotional baggage; we're not falling in love with eachother, we just fancy eachother and have amazing sex.
A bit of background - my dh has had a couple of flings over the years we've been together. I was devastated when I discovered, but we've worked through the issues and are happy together. Yes, on some deeper level my affair is perhaps about having to prove I am attractive and desirable, but having said that, i'm confident that my dh loves me and is 'the one' for me.
I don't believe my affair is hurting anyone. I would never ever tell anyone in RL about it. I totally accept that it won't last forever, but in the meantime, it makes us both happy.
In the light of recent affair threads, I', genuinely interested to hear other people's views on this. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Or been in one in the past? Do any of you think I am totally utterly morally wrong? If so, why?

OP posts:
whatalotofchocolate · 20/12/2008 21:53

Well why are you interested in our opinions then?

Like I said it's your choice.

It looks like you will be well equipped to handle the fall out when it happens then?

Does the OM have children?

Original poster
donthateme · 20/12/2008 21:58

whatalot - I am interested, i suppose, because there have been a number of threads on this subject, and also because it seems to be a moral taboo in our society. And I really want to understand why.
Yes, the OM has children

OP posts:
lalalonglegs · 20/12/2008 21:59

Why is it a given that she will be found out? Is it only wrong if she/he is discovered? If she isn't, then what real harm is being done?

Cicatrice · 20/12/2008 22:03

It hurts people. People that you are supposed to love most in the world. And thats wrong. In theory if no one ever found out about the affair, it would be no harm, no foul. But it always seems to surface, sooner or later.

And when it is going on, your marriage and children (and his) suffer from the diversion of your time love and attention.

Dragonbrandybutter · 20/12/2008 22:03

it's moral taboo because your behavior is utterly selfish.
i can't believe you don't know this?

whatalotofchocolate · 20/12/2008 22:04

If you speak to anyone who has ever been affected by an affair, the persons involved, the children of, the families of, you will find out that in most cases it ends particularly painfully for all involved - especially the children.

Years down the line the effects can still be felt. Children can be emotionally damaged from the betrayal of their their parent.

It is a moral taboo because, quite simply, it's not right.

Normally, people don't get married because they want to have affairs. They get married to be exclusively loyal to their other half. (Unless they have some kind of mutual open marriage...another story....)

Therefore when someone has an affair, they are breaking their contract, their commitment with their partner, that they made.

I think you are both not thinking about anyone else but yourselves and gratifying yourself sexually.

Think about your children and the OM children.

I don't agree with what you are doing, it's none of my business, but it's your life and I just hope you can cope with the stress and fall out.

You asked for our opinions, and there's mine.

Lizzylou · 20/12/2008 22:06

I knew my Mother was having an affair for 2 years before it all blew a gasket at Christmas Eve when I was 10, She didn't know I knew.
End it or get divorced because it messes with everyones head and you are being so selfish.

LilySwalLoosHerTurkeyBaster · 20/12/2008 22:08

It's a taboo because you are putting your needs ultimately above your childrens and husbands happiness.

Many parents couldn't do that but each to their own.
Many people can and they choose to have affairs for whatever reason.

Lala they my never find out but they also may and it's a risk that i feel far outweighs any benefits but obv the OP doesn't.

Original poster
donthateme · 20/12/2008 22:09

I certainly didnt get married expecting to have an affair! And I accept that if my DH hadn't then I probably wouldnt either. But at the moment, it almost seems as though that's a reasonable price to pay. I enjoy the affair, it gives me a lift, makes me feel good. And before anyone says anything, yes, i have a busy, fulfilling life, I am a busy professional woman, this is most definitely not a case of being bored and needing more going on in my life.

OP posts:
SlapDashMum · 20/12/2008 22:13

Oh no DontHateMe, not you as well! I don't believe you are truly over your DH's affairs. I think this is partly subconscious revenge and partly repairing your damaged self esteem from what he did by proving that you are still attractive and can be wanted. Do you think you can find other ways to feel better about what he did and how you feel about yourself?

lalalonglegs, even if she is not discovered her focus is being taken away from her DH and he will be receiving less attention/interest. I believe he will sense more distance in their relationship.

Swiftyknickers, you said you had affairs and didn't feel the guilt - I bet it is because you are still angry with your parents for their affairs and may not even realise you are angry, and things your DH did when you first got together triggered those feelings as well so there was some subconscious revenge against him. Have you really processed and dealt with the feelings from your childhood?

whatalotofchocolate · 20/12/2008 22:14

What I mean is that because we don't get married with the intention to have an affair, then why have one when we are married, because marriage is about love, commitment, honestly and respect....if that makes sense. Sorry, long day and getting tired

Sounds like you are getting back at your husband for the hurt he's caused you? It doesn't work like that though. It's not going to take your pain away or sort out any issues.

Why complicate your life anymore than it already is?

Maybe you are addicted to the thrill of the affair?

lalalonglegs · 20/12/2008 22:14

Well, as I said, I don't really understand why sexual infidelity automatically equals marital meltdown. I think it is understandable if people have occasional flings. I think I would be angry but only really incensed if it were very cynical (trawling singles ads/joining a dating website etc) or if dh wanted to leave. Otherwise these things happen in long-term relationships.

whatalotofchocolate · 20/12/2008 22:23

They dont have to happen though.

It's not understandable. Not everyone has affairs in long term relationships.

It is hard because relationships bring their own pressures and they face strains from time to time, but it's each persons choice not to have an affair.

We could all be off having it away with someone else if we wanted to, but for the sake of the family and their partners, they choose not to.

That's not to say that some people make mistakes though. That happens too. But normally people learn that it's just not worth it.

whatalotofchocolate · 20/12/2008 22:25

sorry about grammar and punctuation....very very tired now

Cicatrice · 20/12/2008 22:28

Affairs happen, but its not a given. Its a choice that people make to put a short term thrill for themselves above their partner and children's happiness.

Its not always the worst thing you could do for a relationship, but its never the best.

When you marry you promise to cherish the other person. Having an affair (or numerous other bad behaviours) breaks that promise.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 20/12/2008 22:33

"I don't believe my affair is hurting anyone." Of course it is!! You were devastated when you found out your DH had affairs, how do you think he will feel when he finds out about yours?

Is the man married?

Original poster
donthateme · 20/12/2008 22:35

I was devastated because I found out. I wasn't hurt until then.
Yes, the man is married.

OP posts:
ItWouldbesoeasy · 20/12/2008 22:36

I get on incredibly well with my boss, we finish each others sentences, we have our own in jokes.

We flirt from time to time, nothing major, and we invariably bring the topic back to basics by referring to each others family.

We had our Christmas party the other night, we were the Phil and Claire show and sparking off each other really well.

One brain donor on the table said, "Shame you two are married, you get on really well."..........Still you could always have an affair.

The boss replied that just because you get on well with someone does not mean you have to sleep with them. She truly didn't get it.

He tried to explain several times,then mentally added her to the list of impending redundancies....

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 20/12/2008 22:37

Right, so you're OK with helping destroy his wife's life as well as your Hs?

ItWouldbesoeasy · 20/12/2008 22:38

Added her to the list of redundancies, on the basis her departure would not be a brain drain.

Original poster
donthateme · 20/12/2008 22:38

No, I would not feel ok about destroying anyone's life.

OP posts:
DoesntChristmasDragOn · 20/12/2008 22:39

So, because you weren't hurt until you found out, that makes it OK...?

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 20/12/2008 22:39

Well THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE DOING FFS!

Dragonbrandybutter · 20/12/2008 22:41

i hope you're not a regular that i like.

YeahBut · 20/12/2008 22:43

OK, I'll get flamed for this but I can see how one could compartmentalise sex. Sometimes a shag is just a shag. Sometimes sex can be brilliant and yet meaningless and it's childish to say otherwise. This is real life, not a Disney film.
When dh and I got together, we were both very black and white about extramarital affairs. If either of us were to embark on an affair, then we would end the marriage. 10 years and 3 kids later, I don't think it's that simple or clear cut. I don't think I would be able to end my marriage and all the hopes and plans I have for the future with my dh. That being the case, if he were to have an affair (to my knowledge he hasn't), I'd much rather it was a sexual rather than emotional affair.
OP, I don't hate you. I am curious why you want to hear what we think if you intend to keep this to yourself in RL. Is your other man happy to keep things strictly physical?