I am having an affair

[donthateme]

ok, I have namechanged. I'm a regular. First of all, can I say I'm not looking for affirmation of what I'm doing; I also hope I don't get flamed, though I accept that I'm taking that risk.
I've been having an affair for the last year.
We don't meet very often, maybe a dozen times over the year, and it's very much a sex affair. There's no emotional baggage; we're not falling in love with eachother, we just fancy eachother and have amazing sex.
A bit of background - my dh has had a couple of flings over the years we've been together. I was devastated when I discovered, but we've worked through the issues and are happy together. Yes, on some deeper level my affair is perhaps about having to prove I am attractive and desirable, but having said that, i'm confident that my dh loves me and is 'the one' for me.
I don't believe my affair is hurting anyone. I would never ever tell anyone in RL about it. I totally accept that it won't last forever, but in the meantime, it makes us both happy.
In the light of recent affair threads, I', genuinely interested to hear other people's views on this. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Or been in one in the past? Do any of you think I am totally utterly morally wrong? If so, why?

Would you be OK if your H came home and said he was having amazing sex with another woman but it was OK because it was only sex?

Because if you're not Ok with that scenario you really shouldn't be doing it to him.

YeahBut... yes, we are both happy that it is purely physical. your post describes how I feel. When I got married, I would have said an affair would be a deal breaker. 15 years on, I guess, I feel differently.
I posted because I was thinking about this in the light of other recent threads. I accept that probably most people will think I'm in the wrong. As I said, I'm not looking for people to agree with me. I am genuinely intrigued as to why sex affairs are such a taboo.

By donthateme on Sat 20-Dec-08 22:38:29

No, I would not feel ok about destroying anyone's life.

dont do as you please and do what you like, and what excites you, i would never say otherwise,

my dp was married (years ago) she had an affair, he worked away, she was lonely, you judge weather it was an 'ok' reason for her to shag another,

point being,

he found out, they seperated, she begged forgivness, he couldnt, she begged some more, the marriage was over, simple as,

years later the children still dont know the reason for it all, one day, if asked, when they are old enough, why did you leave daddy? he may tell them the truth,

so, one day, your children may face the same, if this is ok, then ok,

you carry on, knowing the risks involved,

i hope you can work though this, you sound a little sad about your dhs affairs, like you say,

i wouldnt have done it if he hadnt...

To some people, sex just doesn't have the emotional import that it does for (most?) others. Doesn't make the people wrong, just unusual.

Only you know your relationship well, DHM, and only you can decide what is best. For what it's worth, not EVERYBODY thinks it's the very worst thing in the world.

I always thought sex had to be emotional too. It is with my DH. I would never ever, if you'd asked me a few years ago, seen myself having an affair and seeing sex in a totally physical way. I don't feel I'm de-valuing sex, because when I have sex with my DH it's about love, and a stronger bond. It's almost like I've discovered another kind of sex i suppose.

Women usually forgive their men for their affairs. Men, on the other hand don't usually forgive their women. If he finds out, you may lose him. Is it worth it?

dont you can have as many 'types' of sex as you like when single,

you can have amazing sex, fuck buddy sex, shit sex, drunk sex, sex for fun, sex that boosts your ego, dirty sex, bum sex,

thing is, once married the rules change...

you know that,

i know that,

sex is between just the 2 of you,

no one else is supposed to be invited,

can you end it?

how involved are you?

Have only read the OP, because you asked for opinions.
You felt 'devestated' when you discovered your DH had an affair. How will he feel when he discovers yours
'Happy together' - bollocks. If you were you wouldn't be doing this.

If there is a problem in your marriage address, and then move on, either together or separately. Assuming you have the cojones to do that.

Why do all the different types of sex that are 'ok' before marriage, become 'bad' once the ring is on your finger?
Isn't that simplifying human nature a little too much?

And how about if you have children before marriage - is it still Ok then to have extra marital sex?

I know no one has conclusive answers any more than I have. But these questions interest me. I don't think I am a bad person. I think there are many worse things than having an affair. Bosses who treat their employees like dirt, kids who bully other kids, people who snipe and criticise others. I am not remotely interested in hurting anyone. I see the other man, we share great sex, we go back to our everyday lives. It's on a level with having a fantastic shopping trip every few weeks, or a day at the spa, or a lovely holiday. Why is that wrong?

Firstly, I just can't believe your marriage is as happy as you say it is. It just can't be and I think you're kidding yourself if you think it is. If your affair is about giving you a bit of a boost and a thrill or whatever, then there is something missing in the marriage. I still get enough of a thrill from my DH after 11 years together NEVER to want to go near another man. Sex is still good so I'd never feel the need to go off and find it from somewhere else.

Secondly, you say your affair is just sex-based. Did you know that surveys have discovered that, whilst for women, the thought of their DH being emotionally-involved with their lover is the thing that destroys them, for betrayed husbands, they can never seem to get over that image in their heads of another bloke shagging their wife. The marriage usually ends because of it. You are risking doing this to your so-called happy marriage.

Lastly, while you may think your contraception is fail-safe, I'm sure you don't need reminding that accidents DO happen. What if you were to get pregnant - you'd end up on Jeremy Kyle having a paternity test......enough to put me off ever having an affair!

walkinginwaynetta- with all due respect, I think I know whether I am happy or not better than you do. You may choose to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with my marriage - that's up to you. But you do not know how I feel.

I also know of several friends who are very unhappy in their marriages, not because of sex or affairs, but because they are poor relationships. A marriage does not necessarily have to be unhappy because of extra marital sex, any more than a sexually faithful marriage is necessarily going to be wonderful.

And the lies......you must be having to tell some whacking great big lies about where you've been. To your DH, and to the kids. A marriage built on lies just isn't very solid, if you ask me.

Re: getting married. Isn't that the whole point of marriage? You are publicly declaring that you will be each other's only ever partner for ever more, till death do you part. If you don't want to sign up for that, then don't get married.

No, it doesnt involve any whacking great lies. Difficult to explain without giving out too much detail... but suffice to say, we have opportunities to meet without having to get embroiled in smutty deceit, which I agree, would probably make the whole thing seem less palatable

Why is that so wrong? - well why dont you be honest about it with your dp then?

If it is ok to do this be open and honest about it. hay darling I am just going to the spa, oh and by the way I shall be shagging * on the way home. Have an open marriage if that is what you want - but do that be open about it let both people in on the secret rather than going behind someones back

Does your DH totally regret his affairs and wish he'd never done it? ( if he says he does, it could be hard to know if he's just saying that to you, though, to make you feel better about it?)

I was just wondering, as, seeing how YOU feel no guilt at all for what you are doing, and it's possible that (on the quiet), HE doesn't feel guilty for his either, and also seeing as you are carrying out your's discreetly, whether you could actually be contenders for an open marriage? Seems to work fine for some people, although not for me.

How would you feel if he suggested that you and he both were "allowed" to have sexual affairs with other people?

How on earth do you know that your husband (and the wife of the person you are shagging) are unaware there is something wrong? My dh was totally oblivious to the fact that I knew he was having a relationship fo months and months and months before I confronted him, and those months were without doubt the worst in my life. He was busy being terribly happy and I was busy feeling shite. Having an affair is a deeply selfish thing to do. It is about elevating your own needs and ego without thought or consideration for others. And if you have been though it yourself then that is even worse. Are you seiously saying that if you hadn't found out about your dh's affair then things would have been fine? That just seems so unlikely to me.

I was deeply deeply upset by the betrayal of my dh on an emotional font, but I was sickened to think about the sex, especially as dh had continued to have sex with me. I felt deeply unclean, and wanted dh to go and get tested for venereal diseases. I felt he had put my health on the line as well as my happiness.

If you say there is nothing more than sex to this, then why don't you just use prostitute? I'm sure there is more than a "simple" high going on here.

So yes, I think you are totally and utterly morally wrong. And I think you know that too.

Oh and you may have a set up where you can fit in a bit of sex at lunchtime as it were, but yes you are engaging in smutty deciet. How would your friends and family react if you told them? Not in the same way as if you said you had a regular message I bet.

nooka - I had no idea about my DH's flings before he confessed to them. Not a clue. I can see that in your case, because you suffered months of unhappiness, you must have suspected.

As to the question of why I don't use a prostitute.. personally I don't think that would be the same deal. I enjoy having great sex with someone who fancies me madly. Not someone who is being paid to have sex with me.

The question of being morally wrong - well, no, I don't know that, which is why I have raised the question. I'm totally prepared to accept that I may be. I'm just not convinced either way.

Curlyhaired - it's interesting you raise the question of an open marriage. Five years ago I would have said a definite no no. But yes, if I'm honest, I could maybe see that working for me and my DH

Just wanted to ask how you feel when your DH asks how your day went, and you smile and say "Not bad", carefully omitting the details about the romp in the hotel room (or wherever you do it).

I mean, in open marriages, in which the "rules" are agreed upon by both parties, omission of such details would be acceptable, I suppose. But in your situation, where presumably your DH has no idea that you're doing all this, then in my view, it's tantamount to lying.

The problem is that your marriage probably won't withstand this and you are invested elsewhere away from your husband.

Personally I think it is incredibly difficult for emotions not to get caught up in sex at some point, if not sooner than later.

I can completely understand why you have done this and actually, I believe that for a lot of people monogamous relationships for the long term are unworkable (I still believe in love though) but if you have signed up to marriage you should really stick to the rules, or admit to each other that it isn't working for you and split up or come to some arrangement that you both agree to.

I think you make an interesting point dittany, and I have thought long and hard about whether this is a reaction to my dh;s affairs. And probably it is, but I suppose what I'm now feeling, is maybe in the long term, we are both happier and stronger because we have discovered that we can remain happy together without necessarily having to obey all the conventions of marriage.

It goes back to the question of what is marriage, why do the rules work the way they do, who are they there to benefit etc. And actually, historically, marriage was all about owvership and all sorts of dodgy things, not really about love.

I thought at first that I had become desensitized. Now I feel if anything more sensitive - I feel happier with my DH than ever, and happy and fulfilled to be desired sexually in another way.

"The question of being morally wrong - well, no, I don't know that, which is why I have raised the question. I'm totally prepared to accept that I may be. I'm just not convinced either way."

...... why don't you ask your lover's wife what she thinks ??

catsmother - I think the answer to that is obvious.

To tell her would be to change the situation from what it is - ie a secret affair, which gives pleasure to me and the other man. I am not convinced that the situation as it is, is morally wrong. To go and tell the other man's wife about it (for what motivation?- to try to make her feel bad? ) would be to change the situation. So your question isn't valid.

But you can only remain happy with the situation if you both know what is going on...