I am having an affair

[donthateme]

ok, I have namechanged. I'm a regular. First of all, can I say I'm not looking for affirmation of what I'm doing; I also hope I don't get flamed, though I accept that I'm taking that risk.
I've been having an affair for the last year.
We don't meet very often, maybe a dozen times over the year, and it's very much a sex affair. There's no emotional baggage; we're not falling in love with eachother, we just fancy eachother and have amazing sex.
A bit of background - my dh has had a couple of flings over the years we've been together. I was devastated when I discovered, but we've worked through the issues and are happy together. Yes, on some deeper level my affair is perhaps about having to prove I am attractive and desirable, but having said that, i'm confident that my dh loves me and is 'the one' for me.
I don't believe my affair is hurting anyone. I would never ever tell anyone in RL about it. I totally accept that it won't last forever, but in the meantime, it makes us both happy.
In the light of recent affair threads, I', genuinely interested to hear other people's views on this. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Or been in one in the past? Do any of you think I am totally utterly morally wrong? If so, why?

OP, you say that can't in all honesty see how it is hurting anybody - right now it may not be, but you're not out of it yet. Like driving while drunk, you might well be getting away with it fine for the moment, but that doesn't mean you will indefinitely or that it's a good idea to do what you're doing.

If you're lucky, you may get to look back on this affair from the future when it's all done and dusted, and see it as something that really did hurt no one - but just like drunk driving, it will still have been a dangerous thing to do at the time that could have potentially hurt many people, not just you, and saying 'but actually we all seem to be OK' doesn't make it wise in retrospect.

I do think it's possible for an affair to hurt no one, I just think that the chances of finding oneself in such an affair rather than the kind that goes horribly wrong are low, and it's very hard to tell at the time what kind you're getting yourself into - it's a gamble, and (since when there are children involved it's their feelings and their lives that are being gambled with as well as those of the adults involved) a dangerous one.

Have only read OP. If you both like sex with other people, why don't you do it openly and honestly, or together? Or maybe it's the secrecy that turns you both on?

DHM
I have to agree that I too, am in the minority in thinking that although it goes against the views and morals of many, Fidelity is very difficult! and fizzfiend has hit the nail on the head, Victorian England set the values for fidelity and it became the norm, or the expected! Many people believe in this and adhere to this, but many people don't!

Obviously it is truly selfish to have a fling or embark on an affair. It is completely self indulgent, but like many other vices people do it! I had one... it turned boring and was over, DH had a fling and we moved on! both were purely physical and we did compartmentalise it! It now takes a lot for me to be faithful and I have a number of female and male friends and aquaintences who struggle too. Its usually a case of not putting yourself in the position where it can happen easily (as it will this party season) I fear it has always been this way and always will be, in years gone by it was probably ignored or considerd the norm, did Henry Vlll's children feel betrayed by their father going to great lenghts to shag about? luckily the majority of partners and children are simply not aware and thats how it should stay! I know my BIL has flings and SIL does not know and I pray never does! Would break her heart but to him its one step up from a wank! Shocking, wrong but unfortunately true.

FF - I did try to broaden MNS outlook by mentioning the same thing many posts back and reported an article on this that was written by The Times dr- a man in his mid 70s- who made the point that fidelity is very much a modern moral code and that many marriages can and do survive if one or both partners get sex elsewhere, as long as they are discreet.

Yes, people get hurt sometimes, but sometimes the experiences can end amicably and the pain might, for some, be worth the pleasure. It's a personal choice.

But they're clearly both into it, as individuals. Why not tell eachother? Do it with eachother's knowledge? Put their money where their mouths are?

but countless men do and did bring up children that weren't their own, particularly when men went off to war! But yes clearly the pill made everyone go mad for it, yet 'free love' has not become the norm???, some people get emotionally attached some don't! Yes maybe all people having affairs should just become swingers, frequent sex clubs or have orgies?

On reflection I think that the OP is deeply immoral. Not only is she having an affair (and note this is how she describes it, not I'm having occasional sex with someone else, but an affair), but she has come on here, where she knows perfectly well there are a lot of women who have been deeply hurt by affairs, and is essentially bragging about it.

She doesn't appear to care that other people, including those she should care about most in the world (her children, if not her dh) could be very badly hurt by her behaviour. She either is deeply deeply selfish, or delusional. I don't think these are unusual states for those having affairs because they are indulging in a fantasy. A fantasy where no one finds out, and no one gets hurt, whilst those indulging themselves get their kicks.

As for being faithful being a modern concept, yes for men that may be true, but that is about the relative power in marriage. Men could always do what they liked, because their wives had no choice about it (great huh?). Probably what was unusual about Victoria and Albert was that the power there was with Victoria as the Queen.

chosenone well that might be fine for them, but to have an affair you have to have a partner, and that partner has to be kept in the dark (otherwise it's not an affair is it). If you want to play those sort of games than you should do it alone.

I don't get the feeling that the OP is bragging about it. I can see that it might appear that way if you've been hurt as a child/partner by someone having an affair and betraying you. I feel that she is just wondering why she doesn't feel guilty about it and whether it's morally wrong?

I suspect she doesn't feel guilty about it simply because her DH did that to her. Because she doesn't feel any guilt, she can't possibly feel that it is morally wrong. How can she? Most people don't commit crime because, even if they got away with it, they'd feel horribly guilty if there was a victim involved, and therefore they conclude that to do it would be morally wrong. If there is no guilt, she won't feel it is wrong.

Funnily enough, after finding this thread a very intersting read last night, I went on to have a VERY interesting dream last night! In it, I was attracted to a gorgeous bloke who made it clear he fancied me too. (embbarrassed to say it was Tamzin Outhwaite's husband who I'd seen on Celebrity Mr & Mrs earlier that night! ) However, even in my dream, I KNEW it would be wrong to follow it all up and would kill my husband who I love and fancy dearly, and although I was bloody tempted by this bloke, I just refused to do anything, even so much as a snog! Even in a dream! Still gave me a thrill, though, knowing there COULD have been something. But in my dream, I knew I'd done the right thing by ignoring my selfish desires.

God, even in my DREAMS I can't be unfaithful.....

Or Boothyby Graffoe - after the comdian and the village.

Arse - wrong thread!

Can I ask, donthateme, how long it has been going on for?

I too had an affair this year. I am not married, no kids, but in a long term happy relationship. He is married, 2 very young kids. I'm pretty sure we both did it for a bit of an ego boost/extra attention...can't think of any other reason for me.

It began with just sex - for a few months, prob about 6 times. I could compartmentalise it, and go back to my regular life with ease. Then, after one particular night away...I woke up and realised I was in love with him. He felt the same, got scared and we had a messy few months of seeing each other/arguing/not speaking/falling back into bed.

It's over now. I'm certain my partner knew about it, from a few things he has said, but we are ok. MM insisted his wife had no idea but I don't believe this.

Stop, now, for everyone's sakes. It can never, ever end well. In my case, it was me who ended up getting hurt, but at least that was all. Affairs are all-consuming and horrible.

But most of us who suffer affairs would never ever do that to someone else because we know just how much it hurts. I can see how the OP could well be totally screwed up by her past experiences, but I'm really not sure of her purpose in posting here. She clearly does not want to think what she is doing is wrong, so long as it makes her happy. I wonder if she just has a need to tell someone about it?

My dh pretty much asked me to have an affair a few months after I found him out (he was stuck in the it'll never work again/I'm not good enough phase at the time). It was an utterly stupid idea. Two wrongs don't make a ight, they make a disasterous mess

I accept that in some marriages sex with other people may work quite well i.e open relationships (though I do think they are probably hard work). However, that is not what is going on here.

Tramp.