I am having an affair

[donthateme]

ok, I have namechanged. I'm a regular. First of all, can I say I'm not looking for affirmation of what I'm doing; I also hope I don't get flamed, though I accept that I'm taking that risk.
I've been having an affair for the last year.
We don't meet very often, maybe a dozen times over the year, and it's very much a sex affair. There's no emotional baggage; we're not falling in love with eachother, we just fancy eachother and have amazing sex.
A bit of background - my dh has had a couple of flings over the years we've been together. I was devastated when I discovered, but we've worked through the issues and are happy together. Yes, on some deeper level my affair is perhaps about having to prove I am attractive and desirable, but having said that, i'm confident that my dh loves me and is 'the one' for me.
I don't believe my affair is hurting anyone. I would never ever tell anyone in RL about it. I totally accept that it won't last forever, but in the meantime, it makes us both happy.
In the light of recent affair threads, I', genuinely interested to hear other people's views on this. Is anyone else in a similar situation? Or been in one in the past? Do any of you think I am totally utterly morally wrong? If so, why?

The 'But' there was in response to the 00:45:04 post from the OP.

Deffo off to bed. It has been interesting reading this thread......I still think you are kidding yourself if you think that what you are doing is all fine and dandy, but thankyou for being so honest and forthcoming with your answers, donthateme.

How do you think your husband would react if he found out? If he did find out would he stay with you or would you expect him to stay with you because you have forgiven him in the past?

I really hope that your children do not ever have to witness the fallout from any of this. Take it from someone who has a father who was like your DH and a mother whose self esteem was destroyed that she eventually did the same as you. It all came out in the wash, it didn't help anyone and I disrespected my mother for lowering herself to my fathers level instead of having the strength to leave him, especially as she spent a lot of time decrying him to us and the family. We were expected to pity her because my dad was always the bad one because he did it first.

I am not even gonna go into the psychological damage it caused for us as children and which followed us into our adult lives. My sibling and I suffered because our parents were selfish. Do not think you are safe that your children do not know the details....there will be a point that they will know 'something' is wrong and one day, they will ask you about it or they will wonder why they keep having unsuccessful relationships themselves.

We can try and analyse it to the nth degree but at the end of the day it amounts to the same thing - dysfunction.

Be careful of the lesson you are giving your children.

Hi my ex had a affair and left us just before xmas a long time ago. If he had told us he was unhappy then I could of done something about it. I to had a bereavement in the close family months before (my mother) and suppose I shut him out. Thought we were strong enough to get through it. His excuse was that it was just a bit of fun at the start but then she made demands and she won I guess.. What I am saying is even though you meet him occasionally you are still taking chances that a) he will find out. b) you will fall in love eventually... family losses, job losses etc you are cheating on your partner. Be straight with him tell him you are unhappy and if need be move on. Dont let him go through each day thinking everything is sorted. On saying this i wish you the very best of luck in what you decide.x

I think it is selfish and not something any decent female would do to someone she supposedly loves.
It makes not a jot of difference whether your partner has already had an affair. If you forgive him, then bloody do that!
If you dont forgive him, then leave him. Why would you carry on with this affair when you say you love your partner...oh yes, because the sex is fantastic and blah blah blah!
What you say about him being the 'one', seems to me, is a load of bollocks. You wouldn't know what the 'one' was if he ran up and bit you on your selfish arse!

Try and do the decent thing! Either leave your partner or stop screwing around, because, lets face it, thats all it is!

donthateme

how are you feeling about your affair?

As a now single working mum because my Ex decided that life was greener on the other side after a 2yr affair with a colleague, I pity you. You ARE unhappy with your life otherwise you wouldn't be doing what you are. I couldn't not forgive my ex for what he did to me and my boys. Our youngest was very small when he started the affair. Funny - he's now with her now, but another woman.. Sex is an emotional act no matter how you look at it.

Take are long hard look at the reasons why you're doing what you're doing, either stop the affair and commit 100% to your H or leave him and work out what you truly want from life. And I hope that your lover's family NEVER EVER find out. It's soul destroying and my boys cannot understand why their father's left us - even now.

"I am not convinced that the situation as it is, is morally wrong."

donthateme, are you stupid? Whether your H or the other man's wife knows about the affair has nothing to do with whether it is morally right or not. When you married did your vows include the disclaimer "it's OK to shag someone else provided no one finds out"? Is it OK to drink-drive provided no one finds out?

You know it's wrong.
You were devastated when it was done to you. Why would you then go and do the same thing to other people? How many lives are you toying with here? Yours, your H's, your children, the other man, his wife, his children... They are all the lives you will destroy when this goes tits up.

Get some backbone. End the affair and either sort your marriage out or leave. Stop being selfish.

Ok i havent read all of the thread so sorry if i am repeating anyone

Aside from the moral issues of this affair

I think you have to weight up the risks

Dont assume you wont get found out, if you do get found out how will it affect those you love? your dc? your dh? your parents, siblings, friends etc....

How do you feel about them getting hurt?
Is it something you have thought long and hard about, and then decided to carry on with the affair anyway because you think it is worth the risk?

Is it worth the risk? is it worth hurting your dc? is it worth hurting your husband? can you deal with the fall out, if you do get found out?

Do you love having this affair more that you care about your family being hurt?

If the answer is yes, its is worth the risk, then carry on by all means, but i think it shows you are selfish in a big way(nothing wrong with selfish, we all are at times to varying degrees) and that you perhaps do not care about your loved ones as much as you think you do.

Think about their happiness for a moment, is it less important than you own?

Thank you everyone for your responses.
VT - no, if it were a simple choice between my happiness and that of my kids and DH, then of course I wouldn't choose to hurt them. But the whole point is that I am not convinced this is the choice.
Life isn't black and white. There are so many shades of grey. Children are affected negatively by all sort of things - if a parent is unfulfilled, if mum and dad are arguing (even if the arguments are out of earshot), and yes, I agree that if an affair is going on and turns ugly then of course the fall out will be bad for the kids.
But as I said before, it's not black and white. I know marriages which are poor and where the children are being negatively affected but the parents are in all likelihood being faithful sexually. And a friend who confided in me a few years ago that she had a short fling, has a great relationship with her dh.They are always fun and seem at ease and comfortable with one another.

I accept that for those of you who just believe an affair is wrong, end of, then I am not going to convince you otherwise. And I'm not trying to either. You will see me as misguided, selfish, nasty, possibly even evil (though it would be interesting to see how you would view me in RL if you knew me. Because chances are you would think I'm a perfectly decent woman).

I can also see that for people who have been hurt by affairs as a child or as a partner, I probably represent some evil figure.

But the reason I go back to for starting the thread is that a year into this, I cannot in all honesty see how it is hurting anybody, and I'm genuinely interested to know what others feel.

There aren't really shades of grey when you have an affair though What you are doing is wrong. Your h has been wrong in the past but you supposedly worked through the fall out from his affairs. He probably values the monogamy in your relationship now - which in light of your deceit is really quite sad. Do you want an open relationship? How would you feel if he had sex with other women? Or is it only your h who should be faithful (now)? Saying that you are not hurting anyone is misguided and delusional. You are on some level detached from your marriage. That is demonstrated by your attitude about your affair. The act of compartmentalising makes you detached on some level. If h ever finds out it may be even more painful and devastating because you have maintained a loving relationship with him. It will send him reeling.

OP - you're kidding yourself on about a dozen different levels.

You won't get any support from MNs about an affair- I have at times sided with the "OW" on the forum, and been slated.
Too many women here have been hurt either as wives or children.
I don't know really why you want to know what others think, as this is essentially a very private matter, unless you feel that what you are doing is worthy of debate- and you feel unsure of your own behaviour.
I don't feel it is anyone's business except ypurs- and the only thing I would ask you to consider is- if your DH finds out, would it destroy your marriage and are you prepared to risk that?

You don't represent some evil figure.

I just see that you ultimately have the power to sort your life out. Why live a lie?

You say you would make the same choices over again even knowing what you know now and that says a lot. Lessons have not been learnt and hence the situation you find yourself in now. I actually feel a bit sorry for you because I know this is not your road to happiness and that you could make other choices in your life that would at least get you in that direction.

Incidentally, I never saw my parents argue ever. It's not the 'genre' of behaviour that is destructive, it is the fact that the behviour exists in the first place in any of its forms....arguing, affairs, abuse, it all amounts to damage whether it be to yourself, your kids, DH or the other mas family etc etc.

You should choose happiness for yourself and your children. If that includes DH then dump the OM. If that happiness includes the OM, then walk away from your husband. It is not fair to secretly have both and karma will bite you when you least expect it.

Yes Karma does have a habit of biting you when you least expect it. My h had an affair much like yours. I found out almost by accident. I agree with the mner who said that affairs hurt the person who has cheated as well. Might be worth thinking about that. H has been to hell and he's not quite back iyswim.

Wow just read this....

Is it just me or can anyone else practically see the words of advice "bouncing" off the OP.

She is not listening, you are going around in circles, she is enjoying the attention.

Walk away....

brie, the Op didn't actually ask for advice....

So what is she doing then ?? Bragging ??

Forgive the dimness, blame the drugs, in bed with pneumonia.

OMG - you have pneumonia

poor you brie < passes hot toddy >

no, OP is not bragging I don't think, is trying to validate her thoughts

although I agree with a previous poster who wondered why she was canvassing opinions when she is clearly not going to take a blind bit of notice of them

Do you and your DH HAVE GOOD SEX TOGETHER?

If so what's the point of the affair? Which you said is only about sex, not emotional baggage, not faling in love, etc? So if the affair is only 'cos yor dh don't satisfy you in bed do you need to show him what to do?

Or are you getting more out the affair than what you admit (even to yourself).

Nobody needs to be judged. Everyone's situation is different. Everyone needs different things. I think a lot of the people that say you should look to your DH for everything are the ones who have good relationships. Me, I have a functional relationship which is fairly nice, but no sex, no touching, no intimacy. I have worked on changing this for 8 years to no avail. Now I am having an affair which is the only thing keeping me going, apart from my kids. Life is short, monogamy was never meant to last for 50 years... we all used to die at 40!

Sorry DHM, I did not answer your question. I agree that the importance placed on sexual infidelity is a little crazy to me. It actually is like having a great massage or a mad drug trip. It doesn't necessarily affect how you feel about your DH. But I feel we are in the minority.

Apparently Victoria and Albert popularised monogamous love. So everyone thought it would be a good idea to copy. Before that, infidelity was hardly worth the bat of an eyelid. Something to think about. Are we just following a kind of fashion trying to be all cozy and monogamous for life?

I think that whole 'it is happening in another compartment of my head/life' thing is very common. I have heard that from all of my friends who have had affairs, and there are quite a lot of them, to my curiosity/shame. There are children born out of these deceptions and lives wrecked, I dunno but maybe people should think twice before engaging in affairs.

I think you're right that whilst no-one knows, no-one is hurt. The problem you have is that people always find out. We're not designed to live a double life, not long term. I'm sure people do keep affairs quiet forever (not my friends, however) but in the main, the truth will out.

So imagine the truth has outed. Can you live with yourself? Can your children? Only you can decide, but the belief that no-one will ever know is just a fantasy. Why risk things? If you were so happy with your dh, you wouldn't have an affair. If you aren't, end it and do things above board.

It's clearly a waste of my time posting this, I can tell from what you've written that you're in the "it was a force greater than us" headspace where you can't even help having an affair. It isn't true, you know. It's just the excuse.

A friend of mine is currently having an affair with a married colleague. She is going to leave her dh of 10 years for him - she has a 3 year old ds, like me - and is planning just to move him in when the dh moves out. I find that morally reprehensible. So that is clouding my judgement, somewhat.