weird

[T464]

This is weird ... and have been thinking about it for awhile... here it is:

He sounds like an arse - and so does she. He's been lying to you and her, and she's been lying to him and you. Really sorry, it sounds ghastly.

Wanted also to let you know that you've identified him quite clearly with the website thing and might want to pull thread and start another without that info on?

.... Oh and Also -- in one of his texts he expressed extreme anger over the fact that since I've known him for so long I should know he is a very private man

(yes, I know this and so am I, private, that is) -

and HE WROTE: (THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE, but true) he wrote that I should "have known better" since he and I have been together (he wrote) 7+ years (it's actually been less) and this other woman and he just got started, it's a newer relationship, so he says I should have known that since I've known him longer to keep things private.

WHAT?!?!?!?

Can anyone out there explain THAT to me?

.,....

I don't get it.

So that was it.

History of it: everything was "normal"/fine ... he stops calling abruptly and for no reason at all (last phone call perfectly normal, we'd talk later, etc) .... then he cancels his phone service and tells me only that he needs the old phone he lends me back ...... the woman calls me (horrendous. I actually find that I hate HATE her now!!!!) .... weeks go by and he sends that massive and nasty nasty nasty and totally outlandish (to the point of laughing over the absuridty of the msgs) barrage of text messages......

then he threatens legal action against me over texts which I did not send.

... and that was it.

seven years of knowing him and working together. 7 years worth of promises. Many many years of a very intimate relationship - the most intimate and close relationship (and longest) I feel I have had or been in!!! (yes, long distance, I know ...... but still, the feelings are there)

I've been trying real hard to COPE!!!

It has been very hard.

I alternate between feeling Ok about it to feeling TOTAL RAGE and ANGER. To NOT wanting to feel total rage and anger..... to feeling depression and not wanting to get out of bed --- to talking it over with friends and feeling somewhat ok about it again.

But I actually feel raw. Like a person who's been burned had her skin burned off I don't want anyone getting near me or touching me. it is all still so very painful....

And he left me in tremendous debt (financially) as well.

it really is a horrible situation.

And I honestly do not deserve this.

I have been a good, kind and caring person - have also been through a hell of a lot lately (had a very serious accident from which I am still recovering, had to move in with my parents for support, lost close family members, etc etc etc.) He knows all that ... in fact, he was supposed to come see me while I was in the hospital (from accident), but never came (claimed his father was dying). (Later this woman tells me that he told her I was a business colleague who he visited in the hospital once for 3 weeks - and whom he helped occasionally (hence the reason why I would call him late at night) .....WEIRD.

Since I do not lie, I just cannot understand this kind of mentality. I don't understand it at all.

I also cannot understand that woman. She's starting to seem very very weird to me as well!!!!!

I wish I could just talk it over with him. Have a regular conversation. At least get a retraction of all the false accusations!!!

But (1) he won't answer. He did once and then hung up .... (2) if he did answer, I worry, would he be mean or callous?!!!

I just want to understand.

And also, I don't get this other woman. Sometimes I think about her trolling over his phones and messages all the time. Keeping constant tabs on him (and this just months into the relaationship), the weird and absurd way (in my opinion) that she ended her situation with casual dating by abruptly cancelling her phone number and then counseling him to do the same ... and also some of the things she said to me, like telling me compliments he'd said about me (in terms of what a good person I am, resourcefull etc) and then cutting me down by saying (well, anyone can be that way) and telling me that she had seen special things I'd given to him and that he "(quote) kept them in dirt" (old boxes), etc. Telling me she was going to leave me but never sticking around in an even more controlling way) I think I am coming to realize that she is actually quite very insecure (possibly extremely insecure) and definitely controlling. And I am quite surprised that he must like this (or else why stay with her).

I treat men like adults. I do not feel a need to "police" them or to "keep them in check". I never in my life have thought to look over a man's shoulder or to monitor him in any way.

In fact, just thinking about that makes me feel exhausted!!! What an exhausting life, to have to constantly be wondering: where is this man now? who is he talking to? what is he doing? what is the nature of that relationship or that one or that one? etc. How exhausting!!

It seems to me that in an adult relationship, both people are equally repsonsible. If the other person is committed to me and I am committed to him then that is it. I should not have to check every phone call and monitor things. That seems insane to me!! (and I feel it would drive a man nuts, too) I mean -- who wants that in a relationship, on either side?!?!

So, she seems rather batty to me.

But I cannot for the life of me understand their relationship!!

Of the two of us, I was the one who gave him total freedom and trust. She seems massively controlling and insecure. But she also offers him a house, a place to live and probably constant sex.

So I guess that's where it goes.

ugh. makes me sick!! (needed a green smiley for feeling ill)

Thanks for letting me get all this off and out there!!!!

AhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh --- the deeep breath of R E L A X A T I O N !!!

Could you make it a bit shorter?

Far too many words for me to work out what you want to say - A summary would be handy!

I don't get it?

Hi y onebatmotherofgoditschilly thanks for your comment!!

Acutlaly hearing that he and she acted horribly, getting a confirmation on that helps!!! WOW !!

I've been feeling like such a loser!!

It's weird 'cause she pretended to be all nice to me over the phone when she called, so I actually felt like we were "friends" (sounds weird, I know), but in that moment I was in TOTAL shock, she caught me off guard (she obviously had prepared for the call, I had no clue) and in that moment, she was giving me so much more information than he did, so i felt like she was my "friend".

it wasn't until the next day when I tried to call him to speak with him directly and SHE called me back on his phone and hung up on me that I thought: WAIT a minute!!!

She had also somehow in the conversation got me to tell her I would email her directly some texts which she had not seen (I immediately changed my mind about that once I was off the phone and thought it over for a moment). Either way it didn't matter, she never gave me her contact info.

does she sound extremely insecure and childlish to anyone else out ther?....

I have no experience with anything like this. So I don't know if what she did was even 'normal' or recommended in this kind of situation.....? It's still all so weird and strange to me.

Thanks again!!

(ps about the web site -- there are many 100s of those sites out there, no specific address given, so it should be ok, I think. ....(?))

Hello

Sorry you are going through this.

Please google 'idealise-devalue-discard'.

Also Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Unfortunately I think you might find your 'friend' there in all his freakish glory

HTH

xxxx

Sorry so long! I am still trying to sort it all out in my head. I've felt far too embarrassed to talk about it all (even with friends). I'm not used to being treated like this and being lied to.

I don't understand how a person could lie, cheat and then blame it all on the other person (me). I don't understand what makes a person think like that.

I also don't understand this other woman's actions.

And I'm trying to sort out how to work through this myself to feel OK....

This man still owes me a lot of money. But he seems to claim that now that "I" lied to "him" that there is no obligation there any longer.

I also find it odd to be in a serious long relationship and have it end via text message and not be able ever to speak with that person again (for some kind of closure at least!!!)

I tried to call him once 6 weeks ago and GUESS who called me back?!!!! That horrid woman!!!! Can you believe it?

I feel like I need to sneak around behind this other woman's back just to get to the man I was dating before her for closure (and to get some of that money back)

So I guess that's what I don't understand.

Sorry so long. I am really still trying to make some sense of this all in my own head as I write it out. I've never had someone lie to me like this for so long before!!

This is a good site to start you off

narc-attack.blogspot.com/

There are many more.

HTH xxxx

Ha HA HAAA, thank you gettingagrip!! This made me laugh and smile!!! "your 'friend' there in all his freakish glory"

I don;t know why I didn't think of writing on a message board sooner. I guess this one just struck a chord with me and it felt safe.

I guess I;ve been blaming myself for all this mess -- feeling responsible and oh so horrible about it all (like: how could I get involved with this man?? Why did I not see any of this long ago?? How could I have trusted him like this??, etc)

I've been feeling like one of those women I've seen on "oprah". You know the ones who show up and discover that their husband has 6 other wives?! I used to think maybe those women just weren't so smart. .... now I know.

I'm smart --- and here I am!

But - wow. All of your comments are helping so much! I'm feeling like less of an ogre!

Unfortunately it sounds very much to me as though you have been involved with a classic Narcissist for a very long time.

The money thing, the lies, everything in your posts point to this.

Please look at some of the many sites that deal with this disorder.

They may allow you to reach some peace in your soul.

I have been there got the t-shirt, as have others on this site.

HTH xxx

--- and yet I still wonder how to deal with this!

I have had many other relationships in my life. Never in my life has one ended in such a weird, painful, horrible way!! (I feel like SUCH a loser!!! I keep imagining that other girl with him, getting the money that was meant for me, getting his love and affection, having sex (he's an excellent lover, best ever) every night. And it makes me crazy with feelings of rage and jealousy .... and then at the same time, I also just want to let it go. They're just feelings. (now I understand Italian opera!!!!!! !!! LOL)

It's just shocking to me. And when I think back over all my other break-ups they seem so simple and beautiful in retrospect and comparison. The man and I were always able to talk things over. Though I would often cry for a few weeks and feel hurt for a few months, it was an honest and simple hurt of the loss of the relationship. An honest missing of the person and a sadness at having to go on and move on without him. It was simple, true, pure. I knew why it ended.

But This . . .

This is just warped and WEIRD!!!

And I feel like I did not make it this way. And I don't like it!!!

But there it is.

I know I will be able to go on and get better. Am just getting through this now!!

So I don't know exactly how to move on from this.

usually in break-ups people talk things through. Typically I try everything possible to make it work, then when I move on and look back, I always know: I tried EVERYTHING! And it didn' t work, so it didn't work.It doesn't work. There's no need to go back and do it again. I already know how it goes!

In this case. I don't get it. I don't know what happened and I find the ending very very WEIRD (And also not true)

I at least would like to have it acknowledged that I did not lie, that I did not do anything to bring this down, that I did NOT "ruin" anyone's life!!!!

I would like to have the truth of this whole situation acknowledged --

and I would like to have our financial situation settled amicably. I would really like to have the money which was promised to me.

So that's why I'm writing all this out.

.....

Oh wow Getagrip!!!

Thank you!

Looking it up now.

now that I think about it. One other time over the years he abruptly stopped talking to me for no reason whatsoever. He told me he was buying me a new car (I told him not to! I could not drive -- from the accident).

Normal convo, then nothing. For months. I could not figure it out. We had not had a tiff, a rift, or anything. everything was normal.

I tried to call him off and on.

Finally, with patience and perserverance I was able to reach him again. He blamed me for the whole thing. He claimed I had not tried to reach him, that I did not care, etc. It was the oddest thing. I insisted I'd tried to call. He'd say sarcastically "yeah -- right!"

I was about to send him copies of my phone bill as proof, when he finally gave in to agree that I was not lying to him. I found the whole thing odd, but somehow went past it.

Oh and guess who has that new car he always promised to me for years?! .......

You know, something always didn't seem fully right and I could not figure out what it was. So I did not do a lot ofthings he wanted me to do (such as get a phone on his account, get an email address through him, let him set up a credit card for me, join his indian tribe). if something didn't feel right to me, I did not do it. I discovered that this woman he found did ALL those things he always wanted me to do over all the years and then some!! (WEEEEIRRD) I felt a strong need to maintain my independence (except for the money he owes me!!)

but how odd. She has joined his tribe, he set her up with email. I saw on his old phone that he set her up with the credit card account and was already giving her money weekly. He even bought the damn mineral make-up for her he always told me about!! EEErrgh. So freaky.

IN her phone call to me she claimed that he was a bit controlling. Like he set up the email account for her and knew her password, etc. That when she was home he followed her fromm room to room as if glued to her and he always wanted to know where she was.

I had NEVER seen that beahvior in him. (Maybe because (1) long distance [my choice I always resisted his offers to move to where he was b/c I did not want to give up my life!!!! and (2) I kept maintaining my own firm boundaries around stuff that I did NOT want to do [like join his indian tribe]! whereas she seemed to have caved in under his sway very very early on.

Control --- abuse?? ... part of the narc. thing?

......

Well, all these things that you wish for are what any normal human being would like to happen when a relationship finishes.

There are several problems with this if your friend-freak is an N.....

1. You have not been having a relationship with a human being, but with an N. These people cannot be described as human by anyone, even those with the most generous of hearts.

2. You were not actually having a relationship. You thought you were, but he was using you for his 'supply'.

3. You will never ever get any answers. except for those which you work out for yourself.

4. You have had a lucky escape, you may not think so now, but in years to come, after much research and heartache, you will thank your god that he has gone.

I would bet my huge debts that you are a smart, generous, confident, loving, independent woman. Or that you WERE these things. These men target women like this...like you and me....and they bring us down. Then they leave ....leaving devastation behind them.

I am very sorry for you. You must help yourself now. This will pass.

xxx

OHHHHMYYY GODD!!!!!!!!!!

HOly shit (excuse the swear!!!) But really HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

Just reading some stuff on the idealize-devalue-discard!

WOWWWWWW!

WOW

I have to go out now to walk my dogs and get some fresh air.

I will be back later if you need any help.

Like many others who have been sucked dry by these freaks, you may even find one or other (or both) of your parents on these sites. Please be prepared for that.

Many of us have been trained from childhood to be narcissists' supply, and this is a very difficult thing to come to terms with.

xxxx

Ok Getagrip

This iS WILDDD!!

Many many years ago I was out to dinner with X and we were having a lovely time. It was right before his birthday and I had spent the day away from him gathering b-day gifts, etc. We'd had a bit of a rocky weekend before that, a little see-saw and I also felt tired. but I was happy gathering b-day stuff. Met up with him later in the day. We ran errands, listened to music, took time choosing a restaurant to eat at (I can delay eating for a long long time) I was simply being myself. Was happy, energetic, bubbly, talkative ('talkative' go figure - never would have guessed from my posts, huh?!! )

So we finally choose a place to eat. italian. We sit down. Eat a nice meal. We're half-way through with it. me, just being myself, I spot a picture on the wall and start telling him in full animation what wonderful stories from Italy I have! Oh! I put my hwole heart and soul into it. All animated, funm, smiling, jovial, sharing the mood with him together as we eat....

and all of a sudden it was like darth VADER!

A HUGE BLACK HOLE descended and I have no idea what happened.

I was sharing happiness and joy with him. And he went BLAck blacker than black energy-wise

It was weird.

I felt attacked --- just for being myself. And extremely hurt. angry. and very very confused. Had never witnessed anything like it in my entire life.

glacial ice descended.

we sat glaring at each other. I felt afraid he would attack me (from that moment I always thought he could become abusive. I always always flet that and talked with him about it often)

we left the restaurant. I drove back to the hotel. He got out. i sat in the car, cried, prayed, tried to get a grip.

he called later. apologized. he asked me to come up to the room. he was very gentle and apologetic. he claimed he did not know what came over him. that he himself did not know why he did that.

it scared the crap out of me.

he said it scared him to. but that he would never hurt me. that that was not him. that he did not know what it was.

I always kept it inn the back of my mind.

Years later he mentioned once that he had figured it out.

but we never eventually got around to talking about it again.

he often claimed it was "gemini" (twin personality). I warned him repeatedly that he could become abusive if he did not seriously address this and work at it.

I never understood that incident.

(i could "understant" other times when he would fly off the handle b/c of stress or something else that would anger him. ) But that time I felt like he was severly angered by my sheer expression of joy.

that made no sense

(later I wondered if maybe it was because he was hungry and I had dilly-dallied).....

wow!!!!!!!!!!

... I began to feel like he was ok when I was not so Sparkly and awesome!! When I was not all animated and telling stories and sharing JOY!!!!!

He never NEVER wanted to share joy with me. ... when I'd share a happy, joyful story, he would respond very very flatly.

He could say "I'm excited" with such flat aplomb it drove me NUTS!!

.... and eventually led to me feeling very unattractive. unhappy and very very depressed.

he never wanted to give me too many compliments and I could not figure out why. I talked about it with him often. he would say he felt those good things about me, but could not say them and could not figure out why either!!!

it was weird.

Yes, I am a very attractive, lovable, fun, intelligent woman. I had many wonderful friends that I stopped talking to --- this relationship with him was so hard and required all my attention (besides, my friends were all so loving, good and awesome to me, telling me nice things, truly listening when I spoke, that it always made him look bad to me ..... so I focused on the relationship solely!!....

whew

It's weird, though. he still seems like such a good guy. he still seems to have so much going for him (he just won a law suit worth MILLIONS!!! I saw on-line) I don't get that.

Thank you for the info!

Thanks also to this message board for letting me vent all this stuff! Have been cooped up with it for many months now (and felt embarrassed to let it out). So I guess out it came tumbling in waterfalls. Whew. So I thank you!

jeez -- reading over the narcistic web site, I wonder if I'm a narcicist. I seem to need attention from others and like to get to the top of situations and have a flair for passion and expressive behavior (studied opera singing for many years).

he seems to be much more generous than I. He easily shares his money (when he has it). Although I found that he constantly made promises he actually could not keep. And seemed to have no problem with not keeping them. (it does not seem to bother him.)

He seems to lack a conscience, where I know I have one (I feel very guilty at things that don't seem to bother him.) Also he has that aggressive streak (I do not. But I do take things out on myself).

I guess no one is perfect in terms of being saintly.

Maybe I still have a hard time seeing him as the "bad" guy.

I don't see him as a narcist. But I do see the idealize-devalue-discard!!

Thank you again!!!

My last ex-devil-N was the most beautiful man. Charming, generous, loving.....

At first.

If they were not these things then they would never ever be able get anyone to have a 'relationship' with them.

Also google 'abuse-cycle', and 'traumatic-bonding' .

There are many stories through the ages about the devil disguising himself. These people are the devil come to earth. They are not a new discovery, they have always existed.

I think that vampire stories are an attempt to describe these beings.

They have something missing and that something is their soul.

When you clock them they can be very, very dangerous, so you must protect yourself.

really must take the dogs out now!

xxx

Ok. Will close for now as well. I do not have steady access to the internet. And in fact, it may even be weeks before I am able to check in again. But I thank you for your comments!!

I like the whole 'freak-friend' thing!!!

amazing.

Having to admit that he is "bad" means I also have to admit I made a mistake in going this path! (mistake about him) That's hard (because it's like not seeing something I should have seen).
Oh well.

Thank you for your comments!!

I'm amazed I was even able to write all these things out.

Thank you.

Good Luck to you in all you do.

Protect yourself.

Here's an old joke

Q) How do you know when a narcissist is lying?

A) His lips are moving.

xxxx

Just did some research on it and found this:

"people that are totally self absorbed, like my stbx, make absolutely no sense to people who have a conscience. it's totally frustrating and it makes you question yourself."

AHhh!!

Ok. I've been feeling "insane". Going around and around and around it in my head, trying to figure it out, because it all just does not make any ANY sense. (this man --- and even this new girl. At first I thought she was like me, But then find out she's lying, too and she makes very little sense to me as well..... except that I feel she is very insecure and that he was very very flashy and rich ..... money, power, the whole indian chief thing, etc) (he presents himself as a multi-millionaire, even when he has nothing)

And the evil thing ..... in his texts he claimed that I (!!!!) was "evil" . weird. He also said "spoiled brat" among other things. I went wild inside : could this be true?!?!! Like: What?! I don't think so.

What's weird is he presents himself as totally spiritual. He was made an indian chief. he has risen very high up the ranks as a mason. he does healing work, etc. It all just seems so incongruous with "evil". He seems to be striving for truth and honesty, etc. I jsut don't get it.

Also, this is weird. He is not good-looking. I don't find him good-looking, physically. but he seemed to have a good soul.

Just did some research on it and found this:

"people that are totally self absorbed, like my stbx, make absolutely no sense to people who have a conscience. it's totally frustrating and it makes you question yourself."

AHhh!!

Ok. I've been feeling "insane". Going around and around and around it in my head, trying to figure it out, because it all just does not make any ANY sense. (this man --- and even this new girl. At first I thought she was like me, But then find out she's lying, too and she makes very little sense to me as well..... except that I feel she is very insecure and that he was very very flashy and rich ..... money, power, the whole indian chief thing, etc) (he presents himself as a multi-millionaire, even when he has nothing)

And the evil thing ..... in his texts he claimed that I (!!!!) was "evil" . weird. He also said "spoiled brat" among other things. I went wild inside : could this be true?!?!! Like: What?! I don't think so.

What's weird is he presents himself as totally spiritual. He was made an indian chief. he has risen very high up the ranks as a mason. he does healing work, etc. It all just seems so incongruous with "evil". He seems to be striving for truth and honesty, etc. I jsut don't get it.

Also, this is weird. He is not good-looking. I don't find him good-looking, physically. but he seemed to have a good soul.