weird

[T464]

This is weird ... and have been thinking about it for awhile... here it is:

BingleJells wrote:

"So the way to spot a N isn't by branding, but by an oddly shaped willy?!!
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LOLLLLLL!!!!

Maybe. Maybe!!!

As GettingaGrip wrote -- maybe take a look before you go any further!!

LOLLL

X's deformed bc of badly botched circumcision OUCH!! uh. it bothered me, but it was one of those things I thought I had to accept (you know - when you love someone). And actually, if it were anyone else. if the person is a good person, then it really would be something to accept and learn to love ......

but ah. yes. it did bother me.

Amazonian - do you know what caused ex deformation? just out of curiosity

LOLL

it IS good GOOD to LAUGH!!!

ha. oh man!

We were together 7 years and married 5. 7 years and a deformed willy seem to be the norm. ha ha. His willy's hole was in the wrong place - at the bottom of it instead of the top.

It's amusing that the words 'integrity' and 'honesty' appear in your posts. My N told me all the time that I had utter integrity. I do. He tried to mirror it as Gettingagrip says. He even emailed me nastily (new persona by then - Ns are total chameleons and change colour/personality easily once the sham is up and they've moved on to the devalue and trashing you stage) that 'I had too much integrity to be practical - chucking me out like that when I was the nain breadwinner and all' or some such drivel. Even his vocabulary changed..became all american and he used words like 'trash' instead of rubbish' and how he was 'really pissed' about something instead of angry.

Me? Chuck him out? yes I asked him to leave the house because he told me he had intended to shag prostitutes and was very much prepared for it with bags of condoms in his suitcase, our money in his account and his flight booked etc. But I can guarantee you that i did not hold his hand while he drve up to heathrow and walked onto the plane.

He did that entirely himself!

ha ha. I can laugh about it mostly now, but in the beginning it drove me straight into insomnia, despair, terror and at one point a police cell. Wont bother explaining it all again.

Suffice to say, Ns are chillingly sordid and chillingly emotionless and usually clever. My N had inherited a lot of money. He had to have the best of everything - best car, best clothes, best cooker, top of the range this that and the other.

He would never have been seen dead in Primark. I can now slob around Primark for hours on end without worrying that he is waiting outside feeling superior. And boy I do!

They are very very sad people. He said his deformed willy was his 'narcistic wound'. He tried to tell me that his long, bleak, black abusive silences were due to his emotional issues. Wank wank. I said 'how come they last two weeks then'

Stumped him. So he stole the money, abandoned his children and ran away to shag whores. Poor, dumb, fucked-up tozzer will be charming the pants off everyone in his new land. Until he is rumbled again...or there's another baby on the scene ...and he will run again. And will keep on running.

I am strolling meanwhile..breathing the clean air, loving being a [single] mother and just hoping that 2009 brings a few good things into my life (and I do NOT mean men. I never want another man again)

Laughing saves your soul. As does dancing...which is where I am going tonight.
You can interact with men, but only for as long as a dance lasts, perfect for us survivors.

Every single man I meet I think...are you an N?

I know in my heart that they are not all Ns, but unfortunately for me, all the ones who have ever wanted me have been in one way or another. That messes with your head somewhat.

Lest anyone think that this thread is anti-men...as I have been pulled up on that on this site before now, there are female Ns of course, but women are more likely to become borderline than become Ns.

And I do like a funny sexy man!

Just researching more on this ...

"Therefore, whenever you DO witness a perverted reaction to something, DO NOT blow it off. It is always a very bad sign.

For example, the narcissist inexplicably gets angry at what should please. You expected a smile and - WHAM - you got a look that could kill instead. It sets you reeling, doesn't it?"

WOW!!!

Fascinating.

I distinguished early on that his reactions were not "normal" (to what I would consider "normal") I interpreted it as problems communicating.

He would not act happy for me or share JOY! (This is so odd to me - because my experience is that when a person tells an animated story about joyful topics, then the person listening typically responds with some vocal inflection that mirrors it, etc) He did not. Always flat-lined. Always talking about business.

I discussed this with him ad nauseum for YEARS. I deduced that his lack of emotion or joy-sharing or kind words to me were causing me distress and upset. I shared this with him often. He said he didn't know how to do it. Claimed "guy" (male) thing. Claimed it was because he was business-oriented (all made sense.) his background is science-business-technology. Mine is the arts-languages-music-writing (liberal arts/creative arts).

At first, the first few years I tried to teach him how to do it. Painstaking. I mapped every offense and tried to teach him just how to be nice to me. It was little things. Just a few nice words. It felt like I was going insane. It felt so intensely and insanely horrible to me. I cried a lot. I would get a tense jaw and stomach. it was horrible.,

...

then I learned to deal with and accept it somehow.

I had to make a choice. I was not going to change him. I either had to leave or accept it.

I figured that love is about accepting... so this was good practice. besides it seemed like such a little thing. he was just lacking common courtesy skills, verbal communication skills (or so I thought). He told me over and over again that he wanted to learn.

I told him to ask someone around him that he knew who was good at this. I encouraged him to read books on the subject -- or even to take a self-help class.

But 'no' -- he insisted that he wanted to learn it from me. He said I was the best at it of all people he knew (could not argue with him on that point, since it is in my field of expertise). I kept telling him that teaching it to him while living it was like telling the surgeon how to operate while I was lying on the table. it did not work for me. I hated it. Somtimes I would just tell him a sentence to say. He'd repeat it back and I'd call it a night at that.

this kind of warped me in all conversations ... made me hyper-sensitive to the way people speak and triggered some kind of mechanism in me of instructing people in how to speak with me (As opposed to just letting conversation flow smoothly and freely!!)

Eventually after years and years I found that it was less painful just to morph into this, I don't know what ... flat lined.... just that's it....

Somehow as I flatlined and basically truly died in some way (nothing left of me) just lying dead - then things were no longer so painful and it was ok between us. Then it just became a game of "don't rock the boat". I withdrew from everyone else this relationship required every once of my constant vigilance and attention.

I knew it was warped, but at least I needed to get my money out of it. I felt completely and totally dead. Thought suic. every day. Totally dead. cried a lot sometimes. sometimes not. just dead.

total blackness there. The plan was just stick with it to the last of my ability (hoolind on by bare fingertips) - do the money part first.

I figured that was the main source of stress.

Get the money part settled first and then we could sort out the emotional stuff, etc after that. I'd get healing and then I'd see if I'd stay there (or, as I felt ahead of time, healing and go on ....) but at least I needed to get the money....

Amazing how totally dead I became.

I am a beautiful, attractive sexy woman. I no longer saw that!!!!!!

Could all these things really be due to this situation?!?!?!

I still (believe it or not) find it hard to accept that!!

(well -- 7 years thinking good thoughts and 'Oh what an amazing guy!!!!' etc..... long time rut!!!)

antedeluvian order of buffaloes...

AWH man!! ....

and here it is months since he cut and ran and I am still trying to figure it all out.

I begin to realize how much of the way I am now or have become may be linked to the insanity of trying so very very hard to keep that relationship together!!!

Another thing that was odd a bit about him (and rubbed off on me a bit) was a sort of paranoia he had about black arts. For instance. When he was staying with his brother and family he was convinced his SOL did not like him. He became never heard of such a thing. Seemed a bit crazy to me. but he really believed in it. And was also into all kinds of talismans. We were lighting all kinds of golden candles etc and sayinng special prayers for the money, blah blah blah blah. I told him later I was SOOO glad none of that sutff worked -- or else I would think later that it actually had something to do with gettinng money.

Now I do believe in energy healing and spiritual pursuits. I really do and have had some amazing experiences myself ......

but in a positive way ....

he seemed dependent, massively dependent on his psychic-du-jour. He believed whatever they told him beyond what I would say (like if it was something about me or my future,etc)

I don't know -- so much weird stuff.

I am just unraveling it bit by bit thread by thread....

there is just so much there!!

Amazing!!!.....

(I shake my head still!! .... phew!!!)

Sometimes I still wonder -- and I believed all this stuff?!?!

WHAT?!?!

But then I also think: of course! And that is OK. I am a good person. Trusting, kind. I had a positive outlook on life. I don't want to lose any of that!!

Man, Amazonian, I am still thinking about the posts you wrote about that guy!.. Phew! For somereason I picture a freckly-guy with carrot bleached hair hopping over to thailand or someplace (poor people there!!!) Oh man. I am still in shock. the whole making up scores for a year!! Man~!!!!

And I am perplexed about the whole hole on top thing. I have to laugh. Sorry. Actually, your probably not sorry!! LOL. weird.

Ohman-- Ican't help but Laugh!!!!

never in a MILLION years thought I'd be talking about THIS@@@@!!!

(too funny if he were to find this site!!)

At the end it is still all about us singly, though, really. In this moment.

Arghh -- just wish I could figure out how to let this/him go!!!

If there were no money involved it'd be a lot easier!!

Plus it's long distance. And it's been a LOOOONg time since I even saw him in person. That means the whole thing was on an energy-level, and in mind --

Right..got my glad rags on, and off out dancing. See you all later!

xxxxxxx

-- and therefore somehow easier to hold on to.

What I meant about the black arts above was that he believed in that stuff and was constantly thinking he saw it everywhere. I never really thought about stuff like that. I never feel like others want to kick me out, etc....

he seemed to have all kinds of problems in his life (that he did not want to talk too much with me about) Many people it seems were threatening to sue him (breach of contracts -- money they invested that never came through, etc etc etc). I don't think anything ever came to fruition on those fronts. He just seemed to get threats often. He also grew up in a rough-and-tumble environment. Very rough. (I did not) He had guns and hunted. (I never even knew anyone like that at all. I grew up in a family that valued culture and the arts)

I remember we were walking on the beach and he kept pointing out men to me that he thought were spying on various hotel rooms across the way (sort of peeping toms). I found it odd, because I never even THOUGHT about things like that!! He seemed to spot it everywhere we went. I thought maybe he was just more aware of these things (like a police officer would be). it was a bit creepy, though.

the woman (when she talked to me) found it odd that he did not want to go to the gym to work out, because of other peoples' energy. And that he seemed so attached to the moon, etc.

I can understand that. I'm highly sensitive, too. I am extremely interested in spiritual pursuits and have studied various religions and energy healing methods.

I don't know -- just laying it all out there, I suppose in writing about it.

Plus he CHANGED HIS NAME!!! duh .... half way into our time, he all out changed his name officially, on passports, driver's licenses, etc. Without so much as a nod back to his former name. I also found that a bit odd. Have never known anyone to do that. But it was also brave. He certainly lived his convictions!

whew man -- I am getting very very tired now. Brain is tuckering out.

I'm never sure, though when I'll be able to get online again. so I wanted to get as much of this out as possible!!

Am really struggling here now. ...

thanks again for hanging in there with me!!!!!!

"antedeluvian order of buffaloes...
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OK who thought THIS was my guy???!?!!!!

Awhh --- Come on?!????

Give me SOME credit (well, granted, I did say that I did not find this guy attractive physically!)

Nothing against the buffalo guy. Just whew -- I'm only 36....

LOL

awh. he looks like a sweet guy.

But amazing sex ??

whew

GettingaGrip wrote: Right..got my glad rags on, and off out dancing. See you all later!

xxxxxxx

Awesome!

You go Girl!

have fun!!

Paranoia. He was paranoid. My N dabbled in every religion - he even converted to catholicism is in idealising-me phase (I am catholic) then a few months later just said he didn't believe in God after all and that was that.

He will be admired for his knowledge about buddhism where he is...it will be another thing that draws women to him which is what he wants. He will seem fascinating, well- off, well-educated and a really genuinely nice bloke. At first.

The cracks will show eventually. He has proved time and again that he can't keep up the facade. He will trip over his own lies probably. Or if not, then he will trip over the next female he leaves battered in the gutter in his race to abandon them and move on.

T4 are you American? You sound american. No offence meant at all.

It's good to write it all down.

Hey Amazon!!

LOL --- So I sound American?! I was wondering if I'd be found out

Didn't want to say anything since you wrote that the guy "started to sound American" (wasn't sure exactly what that meant/means?) ... (but it didn't seem good!! LOL)

I guess the lingo is a bit different... was it the use of the word "guy" that gave me away?

I didn't even realize this group was in UK ("mum" didn't tip me off ... duh!!) But I'm glad it is -- different op.s from ones I've read here.

So paranoia is also part of it?

he just seems to have so much DRAMA swirling around him.

I just remain shocked that he can always get new bait so easily.

... the money thing. I remember he said once that when he had a lot of money (if he ever really did) that he had a lot of friends who then disappeared. Turns out he'd always be the one buying everyone drinks. I often thought of that as odd. He called it generous. I agree. But I also thought a bit in an ostentatious way -- like insecure ... way to get "friends" (I never really knew people like that either). Money no money it does not really impress me (but maybe in his case in a bit it did, because he seemed so open and approachable and interested in me for a big-shot multi-million. business man....

Amazonian: your ex knew about "narcissistic wound"??? So he knew about all this??

i am lost about the buffaloes...what buffalo guy???

Oh! I thought you had posted that buffalo web site address bc it was the one you went to when you thought that was the guy I was talking about!! LOl. Guess that wasn't it. (oops)

And in that case, I don't know! (about the buffaloes)

The Order of the Buffalo is a North American Masonic order.

Because this man that T464 is talking about is in a masonic lodge and is also an Indian tribe member, I worked out somewhat quickly that T was American

I was trying to inject a little levity. I would find it difficult to take a buffalo seriously, tbh. I think they don oddly-horned headgear, amongst other things.

No it's the 'man's' that sound American! Doesn't matter anyway. My N just scattered a few american words in his email to me..words he never used. He was probably mixing with Americans, or picking up the local shag-bar slang.

My N had no friends at all by the end. They don't need friends - they don't even know how to do 'friendship' really. Our social life was entirely my friends.

Ns sometimes use money to try and buy friends certainly - mine did. But he had no genuine empathy or interest in other people and just got fed up with them in the end. They stopped being useful to him I guess so he abandoned his life to go and start preying on people on new turf.

Yes, just before he went he told me he thought he suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder: this is not unknown - for them to have a flash of terrible insight when their world really has crashed and burned - as his was in the process of doing (job fucked, marriage fucked, I had stumbled on all the sex and whore sites he had been looking at so there was no hiding that anymore either)...but Ns very very rarely get help. They just cannot admit they are less than perfect. They are actually permanently terrified, angry and afraid. And they run away.

He had, he said, read up about narcissism on the internet and seemed very frightened that he fitted the bill so perfectly. But as soon as he had experienced that fear and had the insightful moment, he just went straight into denial and flew off to start his new life. So he was a textbook case even in his finding out and running away process too!

Funny that - because as I said to him, he couldnt even be special and unique in the way he had narcissism...he thought he was superior to everyone (but it is all built on chronic lack of self-esteem and often the disorder is down to abuse in childhood..) whereas in fact he was just a boring old quite ordinary textbook narcissist. Nothing special at all. Ho ho. He must have hated having that pointed out to him.

He had planned his escape but I am not sure for how long - maybe a month may be a couple of weeks, maybe for longer as he must have known that his school would eventually find him out and sack him.

He has been sacked for gross misconduct in his absence.

Also I think he started to get much worse after the death of his father three years ago. His father, he claimed, was physically abusive - I could see that his father never seemed to approve of him, and mocked him everytime he saw him, but there was much more to it than I will probably ever know now.

When his dad died it was as though the shackles had fallen from him and his true wicked nature came to the surface and took over; the man who would NEVER have approved of what he has done to us - and might never
have given him any more money, was not there to stand glowering over him anymore. The little scaredy boy with 'ishoos' turned into a fully-blown NPDer.

I am getting tired now. I find it very hard to talk about it all as it has only been six months since the shitbag ran away and i am still recovering. But I hope it is helping you.

LOL! Ok -- so I did get the buffalo reference correctly LOLL!! Too funny. Yeah - nothing against the masonic order, just I, too find their robes and other things a bit, let's just say "unusual".

Out of deference for others I'll leave it at that!!!!

LOLLLL --- too funny.

Aiiii I better watch it. this is making me want to post the real web site or a photo.

ok. better watch it.

"I think they don oddly-horned headgear, amongst other things." LOLL!!!!! agreed!

You know you want to ...

my bloke wasn't a buffalo...he was a second lifer

GAG- just tried to CAT you and it wasn't accepted. You can try and CAT me now I think.

Amazonian- trying to buy friends with money is another big sign of N, and it's done with other people's money in some cases. Also, being superior to others and having to have the best of everything is a sign I recognise.

It's good to read all this and realise that I haven't been going mad after all, I've just been with someone who makes me feel that way. I hope this thread can help others to recognise the signs of N before they get in too deep in the same sort of relationship.

My bloke thought he was a buffalo. In fact he was a rat with a gone-wrong willy.

Greedy bastard! Most of us are content with just the one!

Yes it is amazonian!

helping, I think

I'm just SOO amazed by all of this!! I had not known or thought of this before. So it is really just blowing me away!!

Ad it can tiring, I guess.

At the moment it's just pourinng out, though I'm tired, too.

But I think at some point I'll need and want to turn the corner to get to the 'good stuff' the what to do next stuff - the healing stuff. Less about him, more about me. (I've found in all of this that I have also become more self-centered, perhaps. Protective, perhaps? Not really able to listen to my friends, not really able to give much of anything. Have been so totally empty -- just giving what little I have to myself. fill up!! (like putting on the oxygen mask first) I have to, I guess. Have warned my friends that I'm not a very good friend right now. They're awesome. They say "ok".

So I guess the sex thing is a part of it, too...

That has been the REAL shocker for me. Here I was thinking all these years he was the most amazing man I'd met because he was celibate - long distance abstinant -- and faithful!!

Yeesh.

I was able to find a few references to online porn sites, I think. And in his old phone, the spell-check dictionary included many "choice" words. not to mention the sexual very very sexual texts he got from girls that at first I thought were spam or then, prostitutes!!! I had no idea he liked sexually agressive women -- he never showed me that side of him. He played the TOTALLY devoted, let's get married, you're my true soul mate kind of guy.

Oddly, I thought that since he was not so good looking and since I also found him to be a bit "dorky" that the idea of him being a 'player' of any kind was utterly ridiculous.

As I wrote before. The Italian massive player, hot, hotter than hot, gorgeous man, melt women like butter that I knew -- He made sense. Casanova-type. It made TOTAL sense.

but THIS guy?

That's what I still STILL don't get.

The other day I caught "jag" (tv show). A man was on trial for polygamy. He was plain-looking, average, nothing special. One of the lawyers questioning him hit upon this same topic. He questioned her stereotyping. it made me think about it, too...

But I still just don;'t get it.

I wonnder: who would want this guy??!! WHY is he seemingly in such demand????!!

Then I think, well, DUH, me.....

It's like watching a dumb tv show, wondering "who watches this trash????!!!!!!"

This might sound conceited, but I so often thought (in the beginning) he was lucky to be with someone like me. I did not find him to be as smart or well-traveled and I did not find him as attractive as I thought myself to be. (ok, might sound conceited -- but there have been others I've dated where I felt like the lucky one!!!) So somehow I guess that made it seem like this guy would be an honest, true, faithful guy. Like if anyone was going to leave here, it would be me.

Anyway. It does feel good to get this all out!!!

I still just can't quite get over it!!

PLUS of course, this all happened by freaking TEXT message!! (not even phone let alone in person!!!!!)

So sometimes I feel a bit crazy, like was this all real?!

But it was. I know it was. Even if we were not present in person. (oh -- he was also able to travel out-of-body ... sounds weird, I know, but it was true. Can't explain it. So together even if not together...)

.... contributing, perhaps to this sense of Crazy!!!!....

It feels good just to feel substantiated ... acknowledged. I did have this relationship.!! It did happen to me!!

This really was seven yrs of my life!!!!!!!