How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

But does he understand what you do? It sounds a bit one sided, and doesn't he choose to do what he does? If it is so stressful why does he refuse to do anything else (think you said change wasn't to be discussed?). I don't really understand what dh does at work (he is a computer programmer) and he doesn't really understand what I do either, but in the most part work stops at work. It is not important to our life together, and I don't think it should be. When things have got really difficult for either of us at work we turn to each other for support, of course, but that is about empathising, not understanding.

Re the ex thing. He can change his own behaviour, so that life doesn't repeat itself, but not yours. Your behaviour is not his responsibility, and if he thinks it is that is a real problem.

Cobblers, Dittany, Utter cobblers. Are you honestly trying to tell me that ONLY men abuse people, because society doesn't allow women to do so????????????? I haven't ever heard anything so bloody pathetic.

FWIW, No, My DH LEFT his Ex (not the other way around) Yet, no doubt in your eyes he will immediately become the bastard and she the saint having being left. Just cannot win.

Do you know, I'm not going to discuss my relationship with you, or anyone else here, anymore. You REFUSE to even ACKNOWLEDGE that for once a MAN might actually be right, that (even though I'm not 100% happy with what's happening right now) I can see it's a process that needs to be worked through and (if it were the other way around) I VERY much doubt you would be telling a woman to 'just get over it'.

You seem determined to tell me that my DH is an abuser - which I can tell he is NOT. His NOT - LIsten to me.... HE IS NOT.

There is much more to us, to our relationship, to our past, than I have posted here.

And, after 10 years, believe me, I'm not going on my DH's version of events when it comes to the Ex. She has worked up a very nice back catalogue with me all on her very own....

Not every woman is right, not every man is wrong.

I came here for advice (thanks to 4kidsmum and the others who gave it) but not to those who decided to analyse my entire life based on one rant.

End of. From me anyway.

TSS

It sounds like you and your DH are living 2 years in the past, and cannot get over whatever event this was that happened then.
It has changed both your charcters, shifted power in your relationship, and neither of you have moved past it.

now you have a baby and DH is absent working and it has brought matters to a head.
You both need to deal with whatever happened 2 years ago.

Come on dittany you are being very silly. A man who would like to return to a well-run home and some focus and care on him after a week away working is not an "abuser". He might have a few ego issues, but that is not a crime - most men do.

hi TheSeriousSanta ,

I don't mind you asking, no ...it may or may not be relevent to you.

but am checking you're still around before I answer!

i'm here

This may well be completely irrelevent...but it it isn't a secret.
We were different to you. we didn't love each other in the end. we didn't respect each other. in fact mostly we didn't even like each other i don't mean we constantly argued, because we didn't. i mean we just weren't friends.
but it worked ok. some years previously i decided that if you "want what you've got, you'll mostly get what you want," so i adjusted my expectations accordingly.
but eventually i decided it that the time had come because:

1. i was conscious that my dds were being set a bad example by me that they were learning to expect what i hope they'll never have to accept from a man. a lack of respect.

also, i love them, and my life revolved completely around them, so in a way they may have felt responsibility for me in the end, and then presumably resentment.

1. was to do with the dcs as well really. i realised that without them i had absolutely nothing, and that i could look ahead a decade or two to when they'd be gone, and then i presumed i'd leave. i didn't want to stay so long that i felt i'd wasted my life. i don't mean i actually had nothing - i had a lovely life, with a fantastic holidays, and skiing, and pony club for the dcs, and horses, and everything material i wanted...it was full, but not fulfilling because exh and i sort of existed instead of interacting in the end.

i didn't want to wake up one day and find i was old and stuck. and for all intents and purposes alone.

and it was hideously painful for both exh and me. but dcs were immediately happier i think, and despite the pain of doing such a difficult thing i was instantly happier. and soon sowas exh.
now we are all happier, with healthier relationships, and my dcs have good role models.

but my point in talking to you earlier was, that i know that you know that we all do what is right for us at the time that is right for us. lol iyswim!
i got pretty much as far as leaving several years earlier, but was persuaded to change my mind - i did so because the time was obviously not right. when the time was right nothing could have persuaded me to stay.

and your situation is different to mine

want to tell you something else...something relevent to some of these posts, but i have to some pjs and bed first...

I'm not sure that this is abuse, but I do think that it's more than an ego issue.

There are a lot of control issues here. The money he earns to support the family is apparently "his", and no joint decisions on spending it are allowed - the idea was "unlikely to go down well at all".

Discussions are not engaged in: the OP is blanked or ridiculed (ranting/over egging), and the dh barely speaks to her.

All childcare is for the OP alone, as is all cleaning and household tasks.

The dh expects perfection (in fact perhaps "perfection falls short of his expectations"), and thinks the OP does not do enough.

She quite clearly does not feel respected, which is not surprising as she is both being taken for granted "when I spend ages sorting his stuff out, it's just to be expected" and being criticised "if I forget to do something... ...he'll go mad", and "he's unhappy because I don't do enough around the house"

Although the OP considers her dh's attitude to be unfair, (getting the raw end of the deal, being punished for ex-wife's sins) she also considers that she made a pact with her dh, and has to stick with it, although she thinks perhaps she is being set up to fail. She feels that she has to make up for hurting her d in the past, and that it is her job to sort out the current problem (which she thinks is her fault too)

Now I appreciate that most of these posts were when the OP was feeling hurt and upset, and needing to vent. That she loves her dh, and feels that he loves her too. But I do think it is worrying that the OP feels any criticism of her dh is beyond the pale. This situation is not good. This dh who may at heart be lovely is not currently behaving well. There may be many reasons for it, but six months is a long time, and allowing things to go on like this is IMO a very bad idea. It will undermine the OP (perhaps it already has) and ultimately destroy the marriage. There should be mutual support in a healthy relationship, no one has the right to demand everything in return for nothing.

put yourself inside the dh's head. he isn't demanding everthing in return for nothing. he's sacrificing 5 days a week with the family (ds and dw) he loves in order to work his backside off so he can feed and clothe them all, including his other dcs who he provides well for - over and above what is expected. living in a 5* hotel is great for a holiday, but its soul-less if you do it the majority of the time. you get fed up of eating in restaurants and long for cheese on toast! he misses his dw all week, he misses all the things his ds is doing for the first time. he's also shattered by the weekend and if the weekend goes wrong it's rubbish for him too. he's giving plenty in return. it's just not the stuff that's being disussed on here. maybe because it's just not the stuff he would be giving if he was a woman...

don't jump down my throat please...i'm not saying it's okay. i'm saying nothing ever got sorted out by looking at just one point of view...one side of the story. the point of counselling, and the reason it can sometimes work, can be because with someone mediating, both parties get to listen and understand their dp's side of things. then, all of a sudden, everyone can clearly see what's going on...and hopefully some ways to put it right!

still inside dh's head, dw gets to enjoy their home all week, spend every day having fun with ds (who he is missing), eat cheese on toast in front of the tv, not put a suit and tie on every morning at 7am and spend the day being nice to people even though they are a bit of a d**k in return, and she probably goes shopping wih some of the money he spends each miserable week earning!! what's more, like most dh's who work out of the home, he can't quite see where all that money can possibly be going...

i've decided other stuff isn't really relevent after all, so will save it for the day it is

TheSeriousSanta, you got 189 posts about your crappy weekend!

4kidsmum, i think you're right. so how would you solve serioussanta's problem? he won't go to counselling. wwyd?

mmm...some men, particularly maybe high earning ones are very driven by their jobs. so while they resent having to work so hard, they don't actually realise that they choose to do so.

for example my exh worked every hour god sent him (pretty much) and resented every minute of it! he'd say "i have to do this because you wanted all these dcs" or "because you want to go skiing" or just "because of you"

in his head he seemed to forget that they are his dcs too, that he liked going skiing, that I also contributed financially (although only minimally in comparison), and that - possibly most importantly - he worked the same or more hours when I met him (ie before he had us to support), and still does now. it was nothing to do with us - it's his own drive

his brain couldn't seem to acknowledge that he never once in his life had to get up to a child in the night, feed a child, i don't think change a nappy, and that while he got up early and went to work, i got up early too to see to children but if he came home at night, at some stage in the evening his working day stopped, but mine tended to carry on until i went to bed (and beyond often)

So, you'll feel really proud of your son when he grows up to be just like his father and treats you and every other woman like a second class citizen.
I know I'm being harsh, but that's the future you're setting up.
Good Luck

Oh fourkidsmum, I quite agree, and indeed TSS has said that her dh doesn't think there is anything wrong, so I'm sure that is how he sees things. That's the problem with not communicating, and not being prepared to negotiate on anything. Personally I think that living in a hotel all week would be an appalling way to live, but then I also think spending all the time with no support looking after a baby would be relentless, and having a dh who you love away for most of the time would be horrible too. I just don't see any of this as being non negotiable, and think it is not sustainable.

Personally I think families are much happier and healthier when they share the responsibilities and give each other mutual support.

'Come on dittany you are being very silly. A man who would like to return to a well-run home and some focus and care on him after a week away working is not an "abuser". He might have a few ego issues, but that is not a crime - most men do.'

I'm with you there 100% Anna. I hate all this 'All men are bastards' crap.

It's not untrue to say that women can be domestic abusers. It's just much, much rarer than male abusers are. And male abusers are still backed up at a deep level by hundreds of years of expectation that women are men's property and men are entitled to own, punish and control them, and that a woman's job is to service men and if she doesn't do it properly she deserves all she gets.

Plenty of men are not abusers, and regard their relationships/marriages as partnerships and treat their partners well. But TSS's partner doesn't sound much like one of them.

warthog, i don't know what i'd do!!
all i know is that if i feel a bit down about something, someone understanding...maybe putting an (electronic...cyber) arm around me is probably the best help they can give me. and supporting me in the decisions i make. and helping me understand i am not alone...

TheSeriousSanta, for me, i hate it when you go to a party or something and all the men stand round smoking proverbial cigars, while the women stand together elsewhere and constantly slag off those men who bought them their rolexes and XC90s. it is refreshing, i think, to hear someone saying "yes, he's not perfect, but he's a good man, and i love and respect him." i hope your dh will work things out, and come to realise that he has found a true diamond as a dw

God are there really parties like that? How grim!

I don't think there is anything wrong with thinking it would be lovely to come home to a perfect house, rosy children and a dutiful partner ready to provide whatever services that one could possibly desire. I don't think that has anything to do with being male or female. I just think it is a) unrealistic, and b) spoilt. When you come home and are angry that your unrealistic dreams are not realised, that is when you might veer into abuse.

Just want to say thanks for the replies.

ANd, yes, Nooka, there are parties like that

I'm NOT saying that I am happy with what happened this weekend, which is why, errr... I was ranting about it. But there is a lot more which is good and healthy etc,.

Just wrote a huge long post, but then thought: I shouldn't have to justify my entire relationship. I'm happy being married to DH, I'm happy with my DSC and my DS and hopefully we will have another baby quite soon... I am happy with my life. I just wasn't happy with what happened last weekend...

Well, Let's hope we all have nice weekends THIS weekend.

Thanks again, TSS x