How do I deal with the inequality in our relationship?

[TheSeriousSanta]

My DH works away every week (leaved before 6am monday, back late Friday night).

We have a 6 month old son, so I have cared for DS alone since he was born. You don't need to be a mind reader to know I don't go out much at all during the week.

We also have a dog and he has two older kids.

Since DS was born, DH has spent many of the weekends at home in a grump, barely speaking. I thought things were getting better, but this week just gone was a bit of a nightmare. On Sunday, we ended up having a ig argument and DH told me that he was unhappy because I don't do enough around the house.

1. I look after DS single handedly and still do 99% of childcare on weekends (nappy changes, feeds, baths etc)
2. We have a dog and I do 100% walking, feeding, toileting etc.
3. I keep the house in a reasonable state (don't have cleaners) during the week.

DH doesn't think there should be any housework (and this includes larger / one off jobs like cleaning the cooker/ oven) nor should there be any ironing.

I have also gone back to work because DH is quite protective of 'his' money and I don't feel comfortable spending it.

FWIW, I help out ALOT with his DSDs when they ar here.

SO, after a horrid weekend, where we have barely spoken (other to argue) I am now in with a (very!) whingey baby who for whatever reason won't settle to anything and he's just called me to say he's off out to dinner and have a few drinks.

I know I'm having a massive rant, but it just feels like I get the rough end of the deal here, and it also feels like DH actually prefers being away to being home at the mo.

How do I try putting it right? I have tried talking to him but he either (i) blanks me (ii) tells me I'm ranting (iii) tells me I'm over egging the whole thing.

I just feel totally fed up with the whole thing and the baby is screaming AGAIN for the twentieth time today.

No, sorry, Anna, I disagree. THe problem this weekend is that we didn't have any guests, so the house was 'how I live in it' For I'd say 6-7 weeks before that, we've had house guests each weekend, so the house is JUST as he expects it.

The problem this weekend is I was looking forward to kicking my heels up and he was shocked.

THAT was the problem.

I CAN meet all the standards within my disposal... No-one is being OTT here, I just didn't (because it was just the two of us and I don't think it's required for just the two of us)

I'm really shocked at how many people seem to come to the conclusion I can't cope. It's nothing of the sort. I just didn't bother, cos I didn't think it mattered, and I got upset that he thought it did (matter)

Big deal.

I don't think anyone is saying you can't cope. It's about not having to cope all the time.

Don't think that people are implying you're
not up it. That's not their point at all.

I don't have to cope... alice that's not it at all...

I don't like when he comes home for the weekend, acts like a grumpy shit and then goes out on a monday night with his mates when I'm at home with the baby.

It's got nothing to do with my ability to cope (which is, BTW, exceptional )

I was totally ticked off with him last week cos he was grumpy all weekend (mostly cos there were no plans and I'd not cleaned especially for guests) but then HE'D gone out on Monday.... Just made me feel like 'great, crap weekend but you get a good week whereas I get a weeks more crap' Doesn't mean I can't cope.

I do think (and Ive' said it on MN before) that women are much harder on each other than men are.

I don't think our DH's are sitting round at this precise hour wondering about our wellbeing.

ANd, I do actually think it's unhealthy (AKA Stickitupyourstanta) where the posts are of no help but simply to knock the OP and (presumably) make the poster feel better.

maybe we should all b gg r off now?

before we get you a cleaner, a counsellor, a nanny, a self-help library, some self-hypnosis dvds, your own personal stylist, and Anthea Turner round to show you how it should be done!!

Looking at my chaos (i really want to say 'organised chaos' but sadly it would be a lie ), I'm fancying a night or two in a 5* hotel myself

I'm glad there were folks around to chip in when you needed to vent...and glad you know they'll still be there if there is a next time

bye (waves)

Oh, should I post my acc # and sort code if you would all like to contribute to a nanny, cleaner, house keeper and gardener?
Bye You have been a wonderful, wonderful help. I hope you know that. thanks!

I'm not really sure all this is for real.

I think the most telling line here is that TSS states so emphatically that she doesn't mind her dh being away all week. I have yet to meet someone in a happy relationship who is happy that their partner and lover (isn't that what a husband should be?) is not there most of the time. At the very least it is something that makes them very sad. Nothing to do with coping (or not), just that surely families should want be together. I also think that a father who is only in that role very occasionally as he is not there for most of the time, and very uninvolved for the time he is around really cannot be named a good father. It may not be his fault that he is not there during the week, although TSS has stated that this is non negotiable, but to not want to be involved when he is home is really very sad (I don't buy the dads don't do babies line, if that is the one he is trying).

Then TSS says that he is protective of "his" money, so it's not a partnership of "I work, you care for everything else" either, as TSS feels that she has to work as well as keep the house perfect and look after their child.

Also telling that things are usually arranged so that there are guests every weekend, and the one weekend there were no guests a terrible row breaks out. I recognise this one, it's called pretending that everything is OK for others, whilst avoiding each other. I've done it myself, as a way of avoiding communication because I knew at heart that things had gone badly wrong., and I really didn't want to address it for fear of everything falling apart.

Of course life is very complicated. When dh had his affair everyone told me he was a bastard (and he was) but he was also the man I had loved, and the man I had wronged (not to say he didn't do much worse btw). It wasn't really until we separated that we managed to work out a new modus operendii, and fall back in love again, but the terms had to be different, and we had to communicate.

Suffering in silence breeds resentment, and yes you can get through all the work aspects, and they will get better, but relationships need active work in order not to fall apart. When dh and I stopped communicating I threw myself into work and he had an affair and got emotional support elsewhere, I don't think that is at all unusual. I don't think anyone should assume that ignoring a problem solves it.

Hmm. I don't think that's fair on your DH not to bother because you don't have guests. What kind of message are you sending him?

My dh is away for 6 weeks out of 7 and has been for years (apaprt from periods when i am abroad with him).
I'm happily married.

And having house guests for the weekend when your DH is away all week every week and you have a tiny baby is madness

doesn't add up to me so can't offer advice.

Dear SeriousSanta, hi, haven't got much advice but just wanted to say that you are not alone although luckily for us DH loves our dog!

I'm also not sure what the answer is but send you positive thoughts and strength.

Possibly the same kind of message that he's sending her, by coming home after she's coped (magnificently ) all week and complaining.
Sounds to me as if things are OK in the relationship as long as she's performing to his expected standards, but a row breaks out if she lapses. It's her home, fgs, she should be able to take a break.
And (slightly at a tangent here, and not necessarily aimed at the OP)I don't get how so many DPs on here qualify as good fathers when their sole contribution to family life is to take the kids to the park once a week. Surely being a good parent is about being involved in all aspects of their lives, including nappy-changing, night get-ups, hearing them read, cooking their tea, knowing who their current best friend is, CHECKING THE CONTENTS OF THEIR SCHOOL BAG FOR LETTERS SO YOU KNOW WHAT's GOING ON AT THIS TIME OF YEAR (sorry, was I shouting? That one hit a nerve for me) and supporting their partner as well.
Sorry, but no matter what my DH was doing throughout the week, I would be seriously hacked off if he swanned in on a Friday night and started criticising. And even more so if it was a one-off lapse.

LeQueen,

"It's interesting to note that the only person you have given credence to, is the person who has basically told you that it's okay to stay, and has led you to believe that what you endure is acceptable..."

It is okay for her to stay. she loves her husband, she knows he loves her. they are probably having new baby/new routines/new life teething problems.

anyone who never goes through tough times in their marriage is very very lucky - or in denial. if you simply bail out when a new job/new baby/time of stress/time of adjustment occurs, you may miss the good times that were just around the corner. if you love each other. if you don't, it might be different.

the op has more chance than many in her relationship (imo) because she actually understands why her dh is sometimes acting the way he is - not just because of their history, but because of their present situation. she can empathise with him (even when she doesn't like his actions). that's more than many couples can do.

she doesn't want to leave him. that is her decision. she should be supported in it imo.

however, you will see from my posts that i was in a similar position. i stayed for many years...15 or so. then i left. now i am happier than i ever thought possible. but it was up to me to decide what i would do and when, and luckily my friends were supportive of my decisions at every stage (even of they sometimes thought i was bonkers - at every stage!) and i wouldn't necessarily change anything.

support is the important thing. and understanding.

and sometimes people - even husbands (even though they are men!!) struggle with their lives and their circumstances, and it can make them behave irrationally and out of character for a while. in which case they also need support. the op is supporting her husband, and if he loves her he will sort himself out when he is able and come back to supporting her as she needs.

if my dp left me (and it simply doesn't bare thinking about), i'd like to think that if he came back everything would be rosy. but this isn't an ideal world, and i'm not perfect. i'd be totally devestated, and it would change our relationship forever. not necessarily spoil our relationship - but definitely change it.

i can guarantee that however much i wanted everything to go right back to normal, it would take ages. and i have absolutely no idea how might act while i tried to get over it. i'd like to think i'd act graciously and wonderfully, but i just don't know what would happen...can't even begin to imagine...

but i know he'd support me while i sorted myself out.

actually i know it won't happen - but that doesn't mean i can't empathise with someone else in that situation.

Fourkidsmum...

Firstly, thankyou. Secondly, you do seem to understand my situation perfectly.

DH was devastated when I left, and (while we HAVE largely overcome that) he is still a bit quiet sometimes.

I do think that it's when life isn't perfect, it makes him worry more, and he doesn't verbalise that well.

To be fair, he never starts an argument. Never. I start the argument by going on and on about him being silent.

I do wish the others would believe me when I say he is such a good man... SUCH a good man. He didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated him. He DOES deserve to have the odd off day. And, I think, I DO deserve a little compasion / support from this site about wanting to do everything to make my marriage as strong and as happy as it can be.

Fourkidsmum - again, I just need to thank you. You are so much more eloquent than me...

If you don't mind me asking though, why did you leave in the end?

TSS it sounds like the root of the problem is that neither of you have really gotten over your leaving. Two years is in this context not that long really. I think from what you are saying you think that your husband gets very insecure when things aren't perfect, because he is worried you will leave if things aren't just right? You on the other hand feel you must compensate for how much you hurt your husband two years ago, and perhaps that you can't really say you want to change things because you a) don't really deserve it (sort of how can anything he does be wrong because you did something so wrong the scales are permanently tipped his way). Plus you have the new baby, which obviously changes the relationship fairly fundamentally, and you have the working away things going on too, which adds pressure (I'm sure there is other stuff too, from things that fourkidsmum has implied). I can totally understand why these feelings are making life very tough for you both. But it seems that on the whole you are both coping by not talking, and trying to maintain a perfect life. Yes you were ranting because a particular weekend went wrong, and I can understand the "that's how I was feeling then, but now I am fine" sentiment. But you do need to recognise that what you were complaining about was not the one off bad night, but the last six months (ever since ds was born). I am sure you do usually hold it together, and that you are a fine mum, housewife and freelancer (my most productive years were when I was profoundly unhappy).

But I really do think your foundations for present and future happiness with your husband are profoundly wobbly, and that if you want to make it work in the long term you have to do some repair work. Ideally together, but otherwise on your own. I found that having some counseling really helped me to deal with my feelings and become more balanced (I could be very up and down, mostly optimistic that it would all be fine, with periods of despair that things would ever be OK again). It enabled me to acknowledge that some things really weren't good, whilst embracing the positive in a healthy way. I also was able to let go of a lot of baggage that I was holding from childhood that I didn't really acknowledge previously as a problem, but felt a whole lot better when it was lifted. With my dh, so long as he was feeling guilty, and that he didn't deserve my love we just couldn't move on. Guilt is a horribly destructive emotion, it is very backwards looking, and IMO stops growth and positive change.

We all take different paths through life, and some are more "interesting" than others. You, like me and many others choose the harder path, and that is absolutely fine (sometimes the hard way gives the best rewards). But I do think that we all deserve to be happy, but also that we should actively work on that, both for our own sakes and for the sakes of those who care about us.

Thanks Nooka,

I'm not sure if the leaving thing is really the crux (though it certainly plays a part), more than he feels his job is much more stressful than mine (it is, in many ways) and he gets stressed that I don't understand what he does.

We both work very hard, but in very different ways. He gets materially well paid, I do emotionally (I get so much pleasure from DS and Ddog that, even though it's hard work I enjoy it every day).

I have to also say, Dittany recently posted a 'this is how you spot an abusive person' and every single point on there points to his ex. He is absolutely affected by what happened with her, and I do feel he goes out of his way to ensure it won't happen with me.

I do feel, lots of times, I am paying for her sins, IYSWIM. SHe left a million times, I think the one time I did scarred him badly because it put me in the same bracket....

He does work very hard though, and he is a very good man. Yes, I am envious of parts of his lifestyle just as he is jealous of parts of mine (hence why he thinks I spend too much time having tea with friends!)