Is it acceptable for a married man to call on a single woman after the pub shuts?

[harman]

Message withdrawn

In answer to the OP - no, why on earth should I be annoyed? I trust my DH. I would prefer it if he texted me to let me know, but otherwise I can't see the problem.

For those of you who question our relationships, let me just state where I am

I trust my dh implicity, however I know what can happen after 5 pints of so of Guinness. I've been in the position where I have kissed a stranger because I was pissed, so I know how easily it can happen. Luckily for me, dh forgave me and the incident has never been spoken of by either of us again.

There is something called respect in a relationship and something about this married man tells me that he doesn't have any respect for his wife.

He goes off to the pub most nights, we know that from Harman's post. He accepted an invitation to go back to a single woman's house with his mate and hers, AFTER the pub was closed. Presumably also, after lots of alcohol was consumed.

This isn't a case of him going into Costa Coffee, this is after 11.30pm with two women he hardly knows.

I'm sure Harman and her friend are quite innocent, but the very fact that this thread has been started shows that Harman is questioning the innocence of that situation.

I wonder how many of you would really feel if you were this man's wife?

"he won't be inviting you and your friend back for coffee after the pub closes any time soon because it would be disrespectful to his wife"

"I bet he'll be making a pass at you in the not too distant future"

oh purlease try not to judge people by your own (low) standards

my dh spends a large % of his time having a laught with the local mums, during the day and at nighttime too

and no, he's not having an affair

I don't think you have anything to worry about, harman, although I wouldn't necessarily make a habit of inviting these two back for coffee.

The posters on this thread who have expressed horror and indicated they would be driven to violence by such an incident are clearly extremely insecure about their relationships and should perhaps look at the reasons for that rather than criticising your actions. If you trust your dh, this wouldn't be a problem.

As far as the married man is concerned, if he is in the pub most nights, then perhaps there is a problem with his marriage. In which case, if you have no further interest in him, it might be wise not to encourage further visits to your home in case he has some interest in you.

"however I know what can happen after 5 pints of so of Guinness"

again, CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell, speak for yourself

chamomile, I think it's rather a case of speak for yourself. Have you not read any of the affairs threads? Men don't even have to be pissed to cheat I'm afraid. Or does everyone lead a merry, happy little life in your own cuckoo world?

We're not saying that he is cheating or that Harman would even take him on, but she asked for advice. Which means that we are entitled to provide a different way of looking at this scenario, even if it doesn't tally with yours

LL you are alluding to a baby and pal called jack in your wee narrative we are all presuming,but hell thats what harman asked for opinion on

harman said he goes to pub "most nights"
you said "baby" so lookey at your assumptions which were based upon 2 sceanrio

1 Hi Honey, I know it's midnight and your in the house on your own and the baby is sick but Jack and I met these two young women at the pub and we're just going to nip over to theirs for a cuppa coffee...."

2 As opposed to "Hi Honey, I know you've gone to the cinema with your friends, and you mum is babysitting, so I'm just having a quick coffee with a couple of other adults"

so actually you like the rest of us are opining and assuming too.

I'm single, have nothing to feel insecure about, and i still wouldnt invite a married man back to my house for coffee, i would be a bit at a married man accepting such an invite

The whole 'come back to mine for coffee' has a stigma labelled with it anyway, it usually spells one thing 'come back to mine cos i fancy you rotten and want shag you'

'Pub closes - evening's over. Time to go home to your wife and dcs, not to pop round to single women's houses for coffee.'

Totally agree

Not what I said, I said that I can see how easy it is. I'm the last person on earth to cheat on dh, yet I was tempted a few years ago.

It's not wise to say that it will never happen, because you just don't know. But it's unwise to put yourself in that situation, especially with men you don't know very well.

And please don't confuse me anyone, with those posters expressing violence towards their partners. I think my posts have been pretty reasonable and I hate it when others presume I'm "one of them".

Well, I said goodbye to three friends of mine on Saturday night after the pub shut, one of whom is a married married, one of whom is a man in a long-term relationship but not married, and one who is a woman and single. The married and ltr friends were going back to the single friend's for more booze. I had to get home to relieve babysitter. But I can honestly say that it would never have occurred to me, absent this thread, that there was anything remotely odd about it, or that married man or ltr man's DPs might have a problem with it.

Some of you must live in very - er, closed communities!

sorry - a married man, not a married married

Scottishmuumy, lapin was quoting another poster with her "scenario 1" - she wasn't the one making the assumptions.

I agree with rhubarb rhough - it's not just about trust or lack of, it's about respect. I trust my dh - I wouldn't assume that he was after an illicit shag. But I would be upset if he did this without telling me, if it was someone he didn't really know and he'd had a few. I wouldn't go to a single guy's house if I was in the same position either.

Different relationships have different dynamics I suppose.

Yes SixSpot but they are all friends of yours, not just someone you got chatting to in the pub that night. Its different.

Oh come on! Every time someone gives their experience it is completely different to the OP! These were YOUR friends! In the OP, she didn't know them very well apart from to see in the pub!

I have male friends, one of which I was talking about on another friend, he's one of my best friends and single. I have been to the pub loads of times with him, with and without dh. The reason it's never a problem is because dh knows him very well and we've all been friends for years.

Friends are people you known and trust, these men in the OP cannot be described as Harman's friends.

harman has said that they did all know each other before, so I don't see why it is different.

"on another thread"

You know, it's really insulting to throw about assumptions on our own marriages and friendships just because our opinions differ to yours.

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell

I do not live in a cuckoo world and object to the savage and quite frankly ignorant way in which the OP was treated. She deeply regrets even asking the question now. Happy now??

Yes, people have affairs. But no, they don't all happen because of post-pub coffees. Just because it's dark or you've had a drink, or there's no one else in the house, it doesn't mean it will happen and even thinking that is childish, imo.

It's like the judges who've blamed women in short skirts for rape.. - it says more about them than the other people.

if they are just friends what does it matter.

"There are lots of regulars and we have chatted to several of them. When we left on Saturday night, 2 of them came over for a cup of coffee, one is married, one isn't."

"I get the impression that it is a fairly regular occurance, they seem to be in the pub most nights, whereas I only go once or twice a month."

These are not people she knows well.

yes fair enough missed that post.but we are still all opining and pontificating without all the facts

chamomile - sorry, I thought the OP wanted advice, not agreement. Obviously you are completely and utterly right and there is no room whatsoever for compromise, whereas I live a very sheltered life and have issues of trust with my dh.

'come back to mine for coffee' is something you say to someone you want to get to know a little better/fancy the pants off/ want to shag imo

I have been invited back for coffee many times, i have never said yes to the ones i didnt fancy, i would rather go home and have tea and toast in my pj's tbh

I would only take up such an invite if i was 'interested' iykwim

LL read 16.09.36