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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what would you do if...

57 replies

honestfriend · 01/12/2008 16:51

you had a DH who loved you to bits, was caring and faithful for 20+ years and had a good job which meant you could work part time...
BUT you did not find him sexually "your type" any more, you hated the way he kissed you and you did not want to have sex again with him - and hadn't for years.

Would you go- and be poorer and possibly lonely- or stay?

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 01/12/2008 16:55

You said he loved you - and you are saying you can't bear sex with him - does this mean you don't love him?

What is love to you? How have you loved before? What help have you had/effort have you made to love him?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/12/2008 17:07

I think I'd try to get back to fancying him. Sometimes you need to step back a bit and remind yourself why you fell for him to begin with.

ChristmassyCullenHasMySanta · 01/12/2008 17:21

I'm there honestfriend. I don't know what I'm going to do, so far burying my head in the sand is working. I know I cant go on like this though. I guess I'll have to do as OldLady says but I can't find the energy at the moment...how awful does that sound?
Just wanted to let you know you weren't alone.

beanieb · 01/12/2008 17:22

I wouldn't stay just for an easy life and easy money.

girlsnightout · 01/12/2008 18:11

Oh dear this is ringing true with me too . Just can't see a way round it at the moment and have been feeling like this for quite a while. I keep telling myself that things will get better but I think deep down I'm probably just kidding myself.

thenewme · 01/12/2008 18:12

If both of you want your sex life to be over then it can work fine.

girlsnightout · 01/12/2008 18:13

Are you speaking from experience thenewme?

thenewme · 01/12/2008 18:14

No.

girlsnightout · 01/12/2008 18:15

Sorry, just thought I'd ask, as you might have been able to give some advice - didn't mean to be personal!

walkingprimrose · 01/12/2008 18:20

I also feel the same about my husband. Been married only 4 years & have a 3 yr old and a 1yr old. And its got nothing to do with being tired from having 2 small children either. He's lovely though and if I fancied him our relationship would be fairly close to perfect.

Don't know what advice to give... but you're not alone.

ChristmassyCullenHasMySanta · 01/12/2008 18:24

I've been reading this and thinking. I think I actually would like to fancy DH again.As WP says, our relationship would be good (not quite great, there are other issues)if I could get that back. How on earth do you go about that though?

solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 18:27

How does he feel about the lack of sex? If both of you have low-to-non-existent libidos and are content to live a sex-free life for the moment, then go ahead, sex isn't compulsory.
If you don't want sex but your partner does want to have a sex life, then you need to consider and discuss what;s to be done: basically, would you accept him (or her, am speaking in general terms) remaining in the household and sharing all family duties but having sexual and romantic relationships with other people?
If not, why not ie if you don't want sex with your partner why should you begrudge anyone else having it?

sorryformyself · 01/12/2008 18:30

God this is depressing - exactly the same here too, married for 15 years to a lovely, reliable, honest man.
I started having an affair in the summer with a man who was separated. It went on for 5 months until he got back with his wife two weeks ago.
Now i don't think I can ever face sex with my DH again after amazing sex with OM
Mine too has a good job that allows me to only work part time and is a great help with the DC... but is it enough?

walkingprimrose · 01/12/2008 18:32

Now don't laugh but I have seriously been wondering whether I could be hypnotised into fancying my dh... could do with Derren Brown coming round and telling me " Your husband is the most gorgeous man you have ever seen, you think his body is so sexy, ever time you look at him you think about how much you want him..." I wonder if it would work?

thenewme · 01/12/2008 18:35

Your husband is the most sexy (after mine ) man in the world.
Your husband is the most sexy (after mine ) man in the world.
Your husband is the most sexy (after mine ) man in the world.
Your husband is the most sexy (after mine ) man in the world.
Your husband is the most sexy (after mine ) man in the world.
Your husband is the most sexy (after mine ) man in the world.

Go and seduce him once the kids are in bed. Why not?

noonki · 01/12/2008 18:41

I would try and get that spark back. Go out on 'dates' make an effort with dressing up, tell him that you need to feel romantic again.

but don't just give up.

i have been in a few longish term relationships (5 year plus) and the sex has always gone flat, but you need to see them as some one new and see if things get better.

chocolatemummy · 01/12/2008 18:41

I too am in same situation, have been for a long time, also only been married almost 6 years and have a 4 year old. BUT I know that I do love him and have always had this sex problem with other partners in the past, I just dont think I am that into the whole sex thing myself. I am just very lucky that my dh puts up with it, although I dont know how long for?????.
Its not the end of the world ..or your relationship...unless you want it to be

girlsnightout · 01/12/2008 18:42

LOL walkingprimrose if you're up for it then so am I

idontlikesundays · 01/12/2008 18:46

I'm the same. sigh. Don't love him to bits anymore though. Not sure I even like him, everthing he does seems to irritate me. But his is a good man, honest, good father, good provider. Just. . . so dull. sigh. I feel very lonely. My friend has just split from his wife - had been with her for the same amount of time as I've been married, same number of kids, and he's having a new passionate relationship with a new woman, and I can see how in love they are and how much fun they are having, and I'm jealous. Not of them, but of what they have. Now can you live in a loveless marriage for the rest of your life?

idontlikesundays · 01/12/2008 18:48

that should be how not now

chocolatemummy · 01/12/2008 18:50

Idontlikesundays....
but will it not all fizzle out for them after a while.doesnt it always? As you said, a few long term relationships, and me, the same happens. I am not 'in love' with my dh I dont think but I do love him, a lot, and I feel envious of others in a passionate, exciting new relationship but I know its just the way it goes.........isnt it?

ChristmassyCullenHasMySanta · 01/12/2008 19:07

Now you see, with me, it isn't that I don't fancy sex - I just don't fancy it with him
Like someone said earlier, I also dislike him quite a bit at the moment. I suppose this isn't good when trying to relight a spark!

Original poster

honestfriend · 01/12/2008 19:07

It's a long story...

when I 1st met him I had been in a relationship where my partner of 5 yrs had had sexual hang ups. My DH as he is now was a breath of fresh air, but if I am really honest, the physical side was starting to wane after a couple of years ( I think I felt a bit bored with him as a person) I thought once we were married it would all be ok, and after a decade of broken relationships, mainly men who wouldn't commit, I took the chance hoping we'd be happy. Twenty+ years and 2 kids later it isn't. He would have sex 3x a day even now.
This is really really petty, but I don't like his teeth, or how he tastes, and how he kisses.
I feel very unfulfilled sexually and although he wants me all the time, I reject him and don't know if it will ever change. I think the real reason is that his personality doesn't excite me- he is too placid and too laid back- and I need a man with more "oomph".

Sorry if this sounds like whining. Please don't be hard on me- I am troubled enough without being attacked by MNs- I just wanted to offload.

OP posts:

ChristmassyCullenHasMySanta · 01/12/2008 19:09

Oh dear god honestfriend - you are me! Aside from the teeth (!) I could very well have written that post.

Original poster

honestfriend · 01/12/2008 19:12

what should we do christmas?

OP posts:

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