what would you do if...

[honestfriend]

you had a DH who loved you to bits, was caring and faithful for 20+ years and had a good job which meant you could work part time...
BUT you did not find him sexually "your type" any more, you hated the way he kissed you and you did not want to have sex again with him - and hadn't for years.

Would you go- and be poorer and possibly lonely- or stay?

[idontlikesundays]

I think the problem I have is that this is the only man I have been with ( kind of ). I haven't had loads of wild sex in my time. I used to have lots of really great sex with my husband, and now I'm not. but it's the only relationship I've had, and it's the only sexual relationship I've had. I say kind of, I had a very brief affair last year - a month of flirting etc, then literally only about 2 weeks where we had sex maybe three times. We both stopped it because we knew it was wrong. The deeper emotional intuitive bond that you speak of, I had that with this other man, and I still do, because we have become good friends. It's a complicated situation. You might think that either or both of us are hoping for something else out of the relationship, but I can honestly say that friendship is all both of us want - I have learned that a good friendship lasts longer than most sexual relationships, and I value that so much. But the whole experience has made me realise that I have never really had a deep emotional connection with my husband. I actually feel right now that the whole 13 year relationship has been a mistake.

[honestfriend]

Idon'tlike- I am sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what you mean- there have maybe been 3 men in my life that I have felt a deep emotional bond with- and I am not married to any of them!

I don't think there is an easy answer for me- it's a case of put up or shut up, or move on.

It helps to know I am not alone.

[NotQuiteCockney]

If you've got to the point where you're considering leaving over this, you really owe it to yourself (your children, your husband) to consider counselling, either couples or individual, imo. I suspect many people expect their sex lives to die out as they age, have kids, and are in longterm relationships, but I wonder how much of this is down to daily niggles, dissatisfaction with ourselves, expectations from our childhoods, etc etc.

[honestfriend]

Thanks- it is not JUST sex- the sex is a smptom for me of all other things not being right- the lack of being on the same wave length basically, I think! No matter how nice, kind, reliable, honest, hard working etc my DH is, something is missing for me and it makes its presence felt in the bedroom.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Sex is never JUST sex.

But are you sure the thing is missing from him? And not you?

[honestfriend]

???meaning???

[NotQuiteCockney]

Just what I said - you feel something is missing. What? It sounds like part of you is missing the thrill of a new relationship, maybe. Which is fair enough, but not your DH's (or your relationship's) fault.

But it also sounds like a degree of ... well ... 'is this it?' And maybe it's easier to blame your partner and your relationship than to hold yourself responsible for your unhappiness.

I don't think 'being on the same wavelength' is something that happens naturally, I think it's something people have to work at, with thoughtful, careful communication, by taking care of each other, by thinking carefully about what they're doing.

I strongly suspect that if you end things with your DH, you will find another relationship that is satisfying initially, and eventually ends up similar to this.