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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

what would you do if...

57 replies

honestfriend · 01/12/2008 16:51

you had a DH who loved you to bits, was caring and faithful for 20+ years and had a good job which meant you could work part time...
BUT you did not find him sexually "your type" any more, you hated the way he kissed you and you did not want to have sex again with him - and hadn't for years.

Would you go- and be poorer and possibly lonely- or stay?

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NotQuiteCockney · 02/12/2008 21:24

Just what I said - you feel something is missing. What? It sounds like part of you is missing the thrill of a new relationship, maybe. Which is fair enough, but not your DH's (or your relationship's) fault.

But it also sounds like a degree of ... well ... 'is this it?' And maybe it's easier to blame your partner and your relationship than to hold yourself responsible for your unhappiness.

I don't think 'being on the same wavelength' is something that happens naturally, I think it's something people have to work at, with thoughtful, careful communication, by taking care of each other, by thinking carefully about what they're doing.

I strongly suspect that if you end things with your DH, you will find another relationship that is satisfying initially, and eventually ends up similar to this.

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honestfriend · 02/12/2008 20:03

???meaning???

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NotQuiteCockney · 02/12/2008 18:45

Sex is never JUST sex.

But are you sure the thing is missing from him? And not you?

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honestfriend · 02/12/2008 18:14

Thanks- it is not JUST sex- the sex is a smptom for me of all other things not being right- the lack of being on the same wave length basically, I think! No matter how nice, kind, reliable, honest, hard working etc my DH is, something is missing for me and it makes its presence felt in the bedroom.

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NotQuiteCockney · 02/12/2008 18:10

If you've got to the point where you're considering leaving over this, you really owe it to yourself (your children, your husband) to consider counselling, either couples or individual, imo. I suspect many people expect their sex lives to die out as they age, have kids, and are in longterm relationships, but I wonder how much of this is down to daily niggles, dissatisfaction with ourselves, expectations from our childhoods, etc etc.

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honestfriend · 02/12/2008 18:06

Idon'tlike- I am sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what you mean- there have maybe been 3 men in my life that I have felt a deep emotional bond with- and I am not married to any of them!

I don't think there is an easy answer for me- it's a case of put up or shut up, or move on.

It helps to know I am not alone.

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idontlikesundays · 02/12/2008 17:40

I think the problem I have is that this is the only man I have been with ( kind of ). I haven't had loads of wild sex in my time. I used to have lots of really great sex with my husband, and now I'm not. but it's the only relationship I've had, and it's the only sexual relationship I've had. I say kind of, I had a very brief affair last year - a month of flirting etc, then literally only about 2 weeks where we had sex maybe three times. We both stopped it because we knew it was wrong. The deeper emotional intuitive bond that you speak of, I had that with this other man, and I still do, because we have become good friends. It's a complicated situation. You might think that either or both of us are hoping for something else out of the relationship, but I can honestly say that friendship is all both of us want - I have learned that a good friendship lasts longer than most sexual relationships, and I value that so much. But the whole experience has made me realise that I have never really had a deep emotional connection with my husband. I actually feel right now that the whole 13 year relationship has been a mistake.

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honestfriend · 02/12/2008 16:38

MZ - I agree with 99 % of what you say, but it's not just about the sex- it's about a deeper, almost intuitive emotional bond that isn't there, yet has been with other men who fell by the wayside for all kinds of reasons!
I also get very upset when I see MNS saying they still have great and frequent sex after 25 years with the same guy- it is just not like that for me.

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MorrisZapp · 02/12/2008 15:04

I'm sure most people can relate to OP in some way or other.

I'm a little bit the same too but my own experience has taught me that the grass isn't greener.

Most people have wild sex with new partners, which calms down into friendly, ordinary sex after a while, then often tails off into no sex or duty sex as the years go by.

My own view on this is acceptance: I've had tons of wild sex in my time and am now very happy to settle for sporadic sex with a great guy who I like living with.

You could no doubt meet somebody who set your pulse racing again, but presumably your DH did this at some point too, and it fizzled out.

What do you stand to gain/ lose by leaving him? Write a list of the pro's and con's, and be really honest with yourself.

My own view is that life is mostly about practicalities, despite what Hollywood and Richard Curtis would have us believe.

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honestfriend · 02/12/2008 12:35

I take the point, but wonder if talking to anyone could ever put the zing back when it's gone..I can logically see all his good points, as I always have, but that doesn't make me lust after him.

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sorryformyself · 01/12/2008 22:49

Solidgoldbrass has a good point there - we tried Relate but I was so half hearted that it barely scratched the surface of our problems

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sorryformyself · 01/12/2008 22:47

Years ago (pre marriage) I could have taken on the world but my DH has looked after me so well for all these years that I have become dependant.

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solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 22:45

HF: the thing is, he can't keep on pretending you're happy and will let him have sex some time soon. You will both end up hating and resenting each other.

You might want to try Relate or something similar, but these things only work if both partners genuinely want to stay in the relationship: if one partner is sort of biding his/her time until a good opportunity to leave arises, counselling is maybe a wasted effort (though it can sometimes help people to separate with minimum bitterness).

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sorryformyself · 01/12/2008 22:43

Yes Honest, especially since mine moved out 7 weeks ago after discovering my affair and is now wanting to come back and i am actually considering it because i feel so low and vunerable. I know I need to let him go and get a life without me but I am too selfish as out 4 DC are quite young and it's too emormous thinking about it.

What makes it even worse is that they don't want him back.

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honestfriend · 01/12/2008 22:36

sorryform- ditto. But don't you just feel so angry sometimes- with yourself- for being so stupid as to put up with it?

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honestfriend · 01/12/2008 22:35

SG Both!

He lives in hope and wouldn't want me to play around- he'd rather we split if that happened.
He also buries his head and doesn't talk about it at all, as he is scared of rocking the boat.

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sorryformyself · 01/12/2008 22:34

I too often have the feeling that I am being selfish by not ending our relationship and allowing DH to find the happiness I found in my affair. He is such a good honest man he deserves the chance to be loved by someone who also fancies him.
I just keep putting it off and hoping everything will sort itself out

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solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 22:24

HF: so is your DH saying he considers it a 'proper' relationship although you and he are not having sex with each other, as long as you are not having sex with anyone else, or is he spending his time hoping and coaxing and making efforts to get you to have sex with him?

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honestfriend · 01/12/2008 22:17

Solidgold- my DH would not stand for that- I have talked jokingly about sharing myself- and he basically says either we have a proper marriage, or if not, then he wants to be free to meet someone else. All or nothing really.

As for imagining him having sex with someone else- been there, thought that- doesn't bother me one bit. I hate the way he kisses so why should I care if he kisses/has sex with anyone else?

I DO care about him- how could i not after 25 years? and 2 great kids- but he doesn't turn me on- mentally or physically.

I can't really explain it, but if I was to say "he just doesn't get inside my head" I think some of you would know what I mean.

I married with my head, not my heart. It was a mistake, but do I want to face a lonely middle age in my 50s, with very little money, and break up my kids home? that doesn't sound too good either.

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walkingprimrose · 01/12/2008 20:51

Solidgoldbrass - Have thought about the co-parenting thing / other partners thing myself. Don't think dh would be happy at all as he fancies me still etc. I think he'd say 'if that's the way you feel, I'm off!' I don't think his pride could take it. Whereas I'm actually not sure if I would mind if he had a discreet girlfriend.

I think I might bury my head back in the sand actually.

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chocolatemummy · 01/12/2008 20:44

huh!? the last situation sounds a bit wierd, would that really work? not many 'other partners' would accept that situation surely? never being able to go to your partners home because their ex lives there!.
I think if you are truely repulsed by your partner you are more than in trouble.......and its not fair on anyone in the relationship

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solidgoldbrass · 01/12/2008 20:41

Lots of different situations on here: for the ones who would quite like to fancy their DHs again, why not think about him having sex with someone else? Do you mind? WOuld you feel hurt? (IF the answer is that you would want to join in and make a 3some of it then maybe there's your answer )

Those of you who are physically repulsed by your DH: your relatinships are in major trouble and the problem is not going to go away. Again: if the DHs in question started getting their sexual needs met elsewhere, would you feel better about things? WOuld it be a case of once the pressure was off, you could get along amicably?
If the situation is that you would like sex but not with your DH how about talking that through with him? Because if he's a good bloke in all other respects, what you basically have to aim for is an amicable co-parenting relationship - which can mean you both stay in the family home but have other partners according to agreed rules (ie you always visit your new partners' homes and don't bring them into the family home/mutual friends and acquaintances are off limits/whatever suits you both).

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chocolatemummy · 01/12/2008 20:39

The lottery thing has come to many of us I am sure, i would do the same, buy two houses, one for me and one for Dh and a few cars to keep him entertained because thats all he shows real passion about! I think money keep alot of us together, I still wonder if the grass really would be greener though? and I dont think its about being strong enough to leave I think its easy to leave, its sticking at it that is hard........as we all know, we might be missing out on a chance of true love and happiness.....

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walkingprimrose · 01/12/2008 20:39

Sorry about the duplication, don't know what I did. And forgive the spelling mistakes. Am typing so fast and not checking.

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walkingprimrose · 01/12/2008 20:35

OMG that is me too. I KNEW I shouldn't be marrying him deep down, but like you he ticked all the boxes and I just wanted to get on with starting a family.

About a week before the wedding was totally stressed out and asked my mum to meet me after work (I don't ever confide or properly talk to my mum, so this was a biggy). I told her in tears that there was no 'spark' between us. She said (very seriously) - 'look you'd be very hard pressed to find a better man than xxxxx'. It kind of made me think I was being ridiculaous about the 'spark' thing at the time. Pathetic. I should have gone with my gut feelings.(By the way, I do not blame my mother whatsoever!). But its hard to say I regret all the getting married thing now I've got 2 children - it makes me feel like I'm saying I regret them IYSWIM.

Like you honestfriend, I also think OK - marriage isn't what I'd hoped for but my life is otherwise good, when you I think about some people's terrible lives...

But then I think, how did I get to this?? One minute I'm travelling and working all over the world trying out various 'Mr Rights and Mr Maybes', not wanting to settle for anything less than perfect. Life was so full of potential and possibility. Then suddenly, here I am back in my home town, with my old boyfriend (now dh) living the worlds most mediocre and ordinary existence without sex.

It's not good.

(Have you got a couple of mil then honestfriend? Definitely up for buying the houses).