what would you do if...

[honestfriend]

you had a DH who loved you to bits, was caring and faithful for 20+ years and had a good job which meant you could work part time...
BUT you did not find him sexually "your type" any more, you hated the way he kissed you and you did not want to have sex again with him - and hadn't for years.

Would you go- and be poorer and possibly lonely- or stay?

[ChristmassyCullenHasMySanta]

I've thought about Relate but at the moment I just find myself bogged down in this mire of complete and utter apathy.
I need to shirk that first before we can work on it I suppose.
I think it comes down to the question, do we want it to work with our respective Dh's?
I don't think I could split our family up.
If it's my happiness or the kids then they win every time.
Makes me but I live in the hope that it will get better.

[honestfriend]

agreed but my kids have now almost left home- one has but is home temporarily and the other is at uni.
My kids have been the reason I never gave up- even though I had an ex around who wanted me to run off with him!
However, I am now thinking about me, having given my marriage and my kids 25 years.
I am thinking about counselling, even if it just confirms that I have to go. It is very hard when your partner loves you.

[chocolatemummy]

wow some big decisions going on here, I think the bit about finding him boring too placid and laid back..no oomph is very familiar to me but the other things..? I love hugs with my dh and holding hands etc, love his warmth and that he is the good man, dad, worker etc. but the passion and oomph is not and probably never really has been there.....too many 2-3 year disasters meant that I have stuck it out so far

[walkingprimrose]

thenewme - I am reciting your mantra whilst watching my dh wash up in the kitchen...

I am dashing into the kitchen...I must have...

...a cup of tea and a biscuit right this minute...

Now on a serious note - I just can't believe there are others out there who are living like this, I thought I was the only one.

I feel like a total coward to be honest, a strong woman would leave if she unfilled in her marriage I tell myself. But like others have said, its not that simple.

My general life would actually be worse if we split up, and certainly worse for my children.(But at least dh would have the chance of a real relationship and true love instead of this farce...)We have good relationship on all other levels mainly, and share the same values and dreams for the future etc. He is kind,thoughtful,doesn't even have be asked to help in the house; he's a true partner. But he physically repulses me. I would be a really selfish person to deprive my children of this family life we have for the sake of my sex life wouldn't I? And yet I am beginning to feel angry and resentful towards him (or probably more towards myself for marrying him in the first place) and I don't think I can live like this forever or, like honestfriend, until the children have left home...

I dream of winning the lottery... I would end this marriage immediately and buy 2 large lovely houses next door to each other, 1 for me and 1 for dh. Then I would have a connecting bridge / corridor built between the houses so that the children could roam freely between the houses. Then my dh and myself would each take a lover and it would all be lovely and civil and amicable and we'd all get together for meals sometimes (birthdays /christmas etc) and the children would be totally unscathed by the whole thing because they would have such happy parents.

[honestfriend]

walkingprimrose should we pool our kitty and buy together
God,life is complicated.
When I first met DH i was over the moon as he was soooo different to the previous man- complete opposite. But after a couple of years the spark was wearing off. But my biological clock was ticking, and I thought "I used to fancy him like mad...give it another go, get married, all will be okay". A few weeks before my wedding, I got a chronic stress-related illness- my body's way of saying "no" but I didn't listen.
He ticked all the boxes in my head- solid, reliable, honest, decent, intelligent, loved me etc etc- but something was missing. I didn't know what but it still is missing. And when he approaches me for sex, all I have are negative thoughts thinking he doesn't measure up in some way.
We don't have loads of interests in common, our work is totally different, and tbh it's the kids that ave kept us together.
I know that by some peoples standards this is feeble, but to me, it just means my marriage is not what I had hoped for.

[RumMum]

bloody hell... I thought it was just me that felt like this....

obviously there is more to it.. I'm sure my husband is depressed.. hates his job, in fact any job he's had in the last 20 years, drinks too much.. had dropped all his friends and somewhere along the way.. I just don't like or even fancy him anymore... I even hate the way he kisses..

I saw a neighbour who had just lost her husband after being married for over 50 years, she said.. do you know mrs rummum I miss everything about him... and I thought.. you know what... I miss nothing about Mr rumdad.. in fact my life is easier when he's not arround...

Anyway, we talked.. suggested splitting up.. he was devestated but 2 days later said that he hadn't been happy for years (I felt like throtaling him) we are still living together, have told the kids we are going to seperate and hopfuly he will move out after xmas.. in fact nothings really changed!, so I know we're doing the right thing.. for us.. we're more like brother and sister..

can you imagine your life with out him?

[walkingprimrose]

OMG that is me too. I KNEW I shouldn't be marrying him deep down, but like you he ticked all the boxes and I just wanted to get on with starting a family.

About a week before the wedding was totally stressed out and asked my mum to meet me after work (I don't ever confide or properly talk to my mum, so this was a biggy). I told her in tears that there was no 'spark' between us. She said (very seriously) - 'look you'd be very hard pressed to find a better man than xxxxx'. It kind of made me think I was being ridiculaous about the 'spark' thing at the time. Pathetic. I should have gone with my gut feelings.(By the way, I do not blame my mother whatsoever!). But its hard to say I regret all the getting married thing now I've got 2 children - it makes me feel like I'm saying I regret them IYSWIM.

Like you honestfriend, I also think OK - marriage isn't what I'd hoped for but my life is otherwise good, when you I think about some people's terrible lives...

But then I think, how did I get to this?? One minute I'm travelling and working all over the world trying out various 'Mr Rights and Mr Maybes', not wanting to settle for anything less than perfect. Life was so full of potential and possibility. Then suddenly, here I am back in my home town, with my old boyfriend (now dh) living the worlds most mediocre and ordinary existence without sex.

It's not good.

(Have you got a couple of mil then honestfriend? Definitely up for buying the houses).

[walkingprimrose]

OMG that is me too. I KNEW I shouldn't be marrying him deep down, but like you he ticked all the boxes and I just wanted to get on with starting a family.

About a week before the wedding was totally stressed out and asked my mum to meet me after work (I don't ever confide or properly talk to my mum, so this was a biggy). I told her in tears that there was no 'spark' between us. She said (very seriously) - 'look you'd be very hard pressed to find a better man than xxxxx'. It kind of made me think I was being ridiculaous about the 'spark' thing at the time. Pathetic. I should have gone with my gut feelings.(By the way, I do not blame my mother whatsoever!). But its hard to say I regret all the getting married thing now I've got 2 children - it makes me feel like I'm saying I regret them IYSWIM.

Like you honestfriend, I also think OK - marriage isn't what I'd hoped for but my life is otherwise good, when you I think about some people's terrible lives...

But then I think, how did I get to this?? One minute I'm travelling and working all over the world trying out various 'Mr Rights and Mr Maybes', not wanting to settle for anything less than perfect. Life was so full of potential and possibility. Then suddenly, here I am back in my home town, with my old boyfriend (now dh) living the worlds most mediocre and ordinary existence without sex.

It's not good.

(Have you got a couple of mil then honestfriend? Definitely up for buying the houses).

[walkingprimrose]

Sorry about the duplication, don't know what I did. And forgive the spelling mistakes. Am typing so fast and not checking.

[chocolatemummy]

The lottery thing has come to many of us I am sure, i would do the same, buy two houses, one for me and one for Dh and a few cars to keep him entertained because thats all he shows real passion about! I think money keep alot of us together, I still wonder if the grass really would be greener though? and I dont think its about being strong enough to leave I think its easy to leave, its sticking at it that is hard........as we all know, we might be missing out on a chance of true love and happiness.....

[solidgoldbrass]

Lots of different situations on here: for the ones who would quite like to fancy their DHs again, why not think about him having sex with someone else? Do you mind? WOuld you feel hurt? (IF the answer is that you would want to join in and make a 3some of it then maybe there's your answer )

Those of you who are physically repulsed by your DH: your relatinships are in major trouble and the problem is not going to go away. Again: if the DHs in question started getting their sexual needs met elsewhere, would you feel better about things? WOuld it be a case of once the pressure was off, you could get along amicably?
If the situation is that you would like sex but not with your DH how about talking that through with him? Because if he's a good bloke in all other respects, what you basically have to aim for is an amicable co-parenting relationship - which can mean you both stay in the family home but have other partners according to agreed rules (ie you always visit your new partners' homes and don't bring them into the family home/mutual friends and acquaintances are off limits/whatever suits you both).

[chocolatemummy]

huh!? the last situation sounds a bit wierd, would that really work? not many 'other partners' would accept that situation surely? never being able to go to your partners home because their ex lives there!.
I think if you are truely repulsed by your partner you are more than in trouble.......and its not fair on anyone in the relationship

[walkingprimrose]

Solidgoldbrass - Have thought about the co-parenting thing / other partners thing myself. Don't think dh would be happy at all as he fancies me still etc. I think he'd say 'if that's the way you feel, I'm off!' I don't think his pride could take it. Whereas I'm actually not sure if I would mind if he had a discreet girlfriend.

I think I might bury my head back in the sand actually.

[honestfriend]

Solidgold- my DH would not stand for that- I have talked jokingly about sharing myself- and he basically says either we have a proper marriage, or if not, then he wants to be free to meet someone else. All or nothing really.

As for imagining him having sex with someone else- been there, thought that- doesn't bother me one bit. I hate the way he kisses so why should I care if he kisses/has sex with anyone else?

I DO care about him- how could i not after 25 years? and 2 great kids- but he doesn't turn me on- mentally or physically.

I can't really explain it, but if I was to say "he just doesn't get inside my head" I think some of you would know what I mean.

I married with my head, not my heart. It was a mistake, but do I want to face a lonely middle age in my 50s, with very little money, and break up my kids home? that doesn't sound too good either.

[solidgoldbrass]

HF: so is your DH saying he considers it a 'proper' relationship although you and he are not having sex with each other, as long as you are not having sex with anyone else, or is he spending his time hoping and coaxing and making efforts to get you to have sex with him?

[sorryformyself]

I too often have the feeling that I am being selfish by not ending our relationship and allowing DH to find the happiness I found in my affair. He is such a good honest man he deserves the chance to be loved by someone who also fancies him.
I just keep putting it off and hoping everything will sort itself out

[honestfriend]

SG Both!

He lives in hope and wouldn't want me to play around- he'd rather we split if that happened.
He also buries his head and doesn't talk about it at all, as he is scared of rocking the boat.

[honestfriend]

sorryform- ditto. But don't you just feel so angry sometimes- with yourself- for being so stupid as to put up with it?

[sorryformyself]

Yes Honest, especially since mine moved out 7 weeks ago after discovering my affair and is now wanting to come back and i am actually considering it because i feel so low and vunerable. I know I need to let him go and get a life without me but I am too selfish as out 4 DC are quite young and it's too emormous thinking about it.

What makes it even worse is that they don't want him back.

[solidgoldbrass]

HF: the thing is, he can't keep on pretending you're happy and will let him have sex some time soon. You will both end up hating and resenting each other.

You might want to try Relate or something similar, but these things only work if both partners genuinely want to stay in the relationship: if one partner is sort of biding his/her time until a good opportunity to leave arises, counselling is maybe a wasted effort (though it can sometimes help people to separate with minimum bitterness).

[sorryformyself]

Years ago (pre marriage) I could have taken on the world but my DH has looked after me so well for all these years that I have become dependant.

[sorryformyself]

Solidgoldbrass has a good point there - we tried Relate but I was so half hearted that it barely scratched the surface of our problems

[honestfriend]

I take the point, but wonder if talking to anyone could ever put the zing back when it's gone..I can logically see all his good points, as I always have, but that doesn't make me lust after him.

[MorrisZapp]

I'm sure most people can relate to OP in some way or other.

I'm a little bit the same too but my own experience has taught me that the grass isn't greener.

Most people have wild sex with new partners, which calms down into friendly, ordinary sex after a while, then often tails off into no sex or duty sex as the years go by.

My own view on this is acceptance: I've had tons of wild sex in my time and am now very happy to settle for sporadic sex with a great guy who I like living with.

You could no doubt meet somebody who set your pulse racing again, but presumably your DH did this at some point too, and it fizzled out.

What do you stand to gain/ lose by leaving him? Write a list of the pro's and con's, and be really honest with yourself.

My own view is that life is mostly about practicalities, despite what Hollywood and Richard Curtis would have us believe.

[honestfriend]

MZ - I agree with 99 % of what you say, but it's not just about the sex- it's about a deeper, almost intuitive emotional bond that isn't there, yet has been with other men who fell by the wayside for all kinds of reasons!
I also get very upset when I see MNS saying they still have great and frequent sex after 25 years with the same guy- it is just not like that for me.