I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me.

[Thishasupsetme]

The message said 'Looking forward to Sunday, I'll pick you and DGD up at 1.30pm for X's christening, remember not to mention it to DW'
DH has told me that he is going to take DD out for a few hours on Saturday to give me some time to myself, but it looks like he is going to his family members christening and I am not invited.
I didn't know I had upset anyone. DD was christed 6 months ago now and all of his family were invited and his cousin is DD godmother.
I am really upset. I don't know if I should mention it to him or hust leave it.

Oh she'll claim that she didn't receive that. Text? What text??

I've been following this thread since last night and want to add my two pence worth.

Is it possible that MIL decided not to invite you along because of space in the car? With MIL, SFIL DH and DD in her car seat there wouldn't be room for an adult in the majority of cars so MIL might have decided it would have been easier to drop you. I know that's not nice but if she didn't expect you to find out then she's probably justified her actions to herself.

For what it's worth, I don't think she meant to send you that text, even if she truly hates you she would know that it was going to cause a row and she would come out of it as the villain as she orchestrated it. I think she just had your name in her head when she was typing the text and selected your name by mistake, I've also done this before but luckily I wasn't slagging anyone off

I also don't think your husband has acted particularly deviously, he's been a bit of a twat but aren't all DH's like that at times? If MIL told him you weren't invited he was probably went along with her plans to spare your feelings.

He sounds a lot like my DP, in that he hates confrontation. He's probably not the type to confront your cousin about not inviting you, he showed this by hiding in the bedroom rather than speak to you about it when it all kicked off. He'll also hate the thought of confronting your MIL about her behaviour for the same reason.

I agree that he does need to speak to his mother but if it was me I'd bite your tongue and act very graciously about it. If you go around shouting the odds at her you'll look like a fishwife and give his family a reason to hate dislike you. Use this to your advantage and get your DH to gently lay down some new ground rules, play the upset wife rather than the angry wife then he can explain to his mother that he doesn't ever want to upset you like this again.

I hope you get this resolved in your favour, it's definitely not worth ending your marriage over.

Yo won't find me pitting my money against yours, Freckle!!

Didn't think I'd get many takers.

I do feel that dh going to his mates this evening is absolutely out of order. The fact that he went last night when he knew that the shit had hit the fan was bad enough, but now that he knows the full extent of the deception perpetrated against you his priority should be ensuring that you feel loved and valued.

I would speak to CIL today to find out how she wants to handle this. Does she want you, dh and dd there, bearing in mind the MIL will be there and it is possible there will be some frostiness, or would she rather the 3 of you stay away? There is absolutely no way that dh should be going either with or without dd, if you do not go too.

I'd never go against you Freckle! Your perceptions and advice is always spot on.

I think it is the MIL wo should be uninvited from the christening, and the op and her dh and their dd should go

LOL! Only wish I was as perceptive, etc. in RL as I seem to be on here.

I agree that MIL should be the one to stay away, but that's a matter for CIL.

No bets from me either!

I hope the cousin tells THUM today that she must come, with dd & dh, whether MIL is going or not.

As long as cousin & THUM think there won't be a scene i guess.

just read through. phew! still don't get why mil decided to say you couln't come?

but canterbury, your point is that this thread is boring, yet you it clearly warrants your time and attention. you're on here too, after all. is this irony lost on you?

So sorry you've gone through this THUM.
I completely agree with those that say you must go on Sunday though, and IME toxic parents (or in-laws) are all about the show, so there is almost no way she would act out at the Christening.

Thum - Well done, You dealt with it so well! Hope that the weekend goes reasonably calmly, although I agree with others that you should go to the christening. You have as much right as anybody to be there and support your friend.

THUM, I've been thinking of you on and off all day and have been wondering (and please dont take this the wrong way) but have you become a bit of a doormat?

I cant believe he went and played computer games with his buddies last night, then came home wondering what was for dinner as if you may have forgotten you wanted to speak with him. Then he trots off to bed in a strop (fair enough he got up and you talked which was brilliant) but this morning he still is on for drinks with the very same guys he was playing with last night. I mean jesus, is he for real?

I tell you I wouldnt stand for it. I would be expecting flowers and a card at the very least and a big long chat about how you are going to resolve this this evening, not after he had had a few with the boys. It's been said he needs to grow a pair, but I think you do too. You cant stand for this sort of behaviour and need to make some serious changes so that he bloodywell knows where his priorities lie in the future.

Re Christening, whether you go or not is up to you and how you would feel about being there ultimately. The CIL and her mother are disgusted at the MILs behavious, I'm sure tongues will wag on the day. I believe you will have your revenge with dignity on this one.

Hope you had a lovely day out.

I think it was a deliberate attempt by MIL to drive a wedge between the OP and her DH. She wants you to fall out over it. Don't let her win.

well said salleroo, i think dh is being cruel, mean, unreasonable, decitful and having it HIS way.

Tell him to get home tonight (well nicely if you want).

Good Luck.

THUM just read through this thread. Congratulations on how you've handled it so far.

I think you've made one wrong decision though. GO TO THE CHRISTENING with dh and dd. You ARE welcome there. The only person who will not be happy is MIL and she's not going to kick off about it there, is she? Instead, she will have a miserable time knowing that what she did DIDN'T WORK, and being unable to find out why. She will also be wondering what your dh is thinking/doing arriving with you and will have no way of finding out without blowing her cover. You can be polite but icy with her and always wander away if she approaches you, keeping a firm hold on dh and dd at the same time. Show her that you are a united family.

You might even enjoy the christening even more, knowing that every moment you are kicking her in arse and she can't do anything about it. Please go, have a lovely time.

And for the future - be icily polite to MIL and generally ignore her. Insist on complete honesty from dh in everything and in particular things involving MIL.

Good luck and have a lovely weekend.

Have been following this thread too and just feel the need to second the opinion that you should go to the christening.
Please do re-consider it ..

Tbh I would only go the christening as a family if :

1. dh changes his ways stands up to MIL and calls her tonight (whilst you present)before its just brushed under the carpet.
2. dh gets his skinny ass home and not go out.
3. See were its going with DH does he stil intend to go without you. Worth checking! I would certainly go later on alone with dd if non of the above done and if so you will need to decide what future your marriage has.

God that was a thread and a half. I would go to the christening and quietly say when she passes, "you forgot to tell me i was invited" and walk away.
her face would be a picture.
Is your husband an only child?

The reason i ask is that my husband is and his mother is very odd, one week she is our best friend the next we don't speak to her for weeks (she lives about 300 yards from us).
She does things behind my back, if she wants us to go for a meal she will ask him when i am out of the room and silly stuff like that.

I also saw a text from her the other day saying "please let me do this for you". No corresponding texts before or after and i don't want him to know i went through his phone, but he has never said anything, so i still don't know what that is about.

I think she is jealous that the kids and i now have his attention so she triest to point out every now and then that he is the head of the house and should make the decisions (because i usually do)

She in fact rang him at work today and asked if we wanted to go out tonight to the pub for a meal.
He said he had to check it was ok with me, when he rang back she had changed her mind and said she didn't know what she was doing now.FFS
THUM i would deffo go, looking stunning and glamorous and let her know that her little plan did not work and whatever she thought was going to happen between you didn't(she doesn't need to know it caused tears)

Wouldn't it be great if the cousin thought about how shitty MIL had been, and invited THUM to be a godparent and guest of honour.

Hope you've had a good day out THUM.

I really don't think your dh has realised yet just how serious this is and how upset you are, because if he had, he would be coming straight home to you tonight, to phone his mother and tell her that she's gone too far. Not going to his mates for a drink and to play games.

Think you're being incredibly strong and handeling this really well

I second what Jux (and some posters further down) as saying about going to the Christening.

I think you should tell your cousin you will not be at the Christening as you can't trust your MIL to behave and hope she has the sense to uninvite the MIL and have you there.

If you end your marriage over this I feel your MIL will feel she has won. But your husband should be putting you first all the time.

What the hell is wrong with MIL's?