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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me.

1000 replies

Thishasupsetme · 06/11/2008 15:31

The message said 'Looking forward to Sunday, I'll pick you and DGD up at 1.30pm for X's christening, remember not to mention it to DW'
DH has told me that he is going to take DD out for a few hours on Saturday to give me some time to myself, but it looks like he is going to his family members christening and I am not invited.
I didn't know I had upset anyone. DD was christed 6 months ago now and all of his family were invited and his cousin is DD godmother.
I am really upset. I don't know if I should mention it to him or hust leave it.

OP posts:
blinks · 07/11/2008 09:38

also think you shouldn't bother trying to be reasonable in this instance- don't let them walk all over you.

stick up for yourself- looks like no-one else is going to.

VintageGardenia · 07/11/2008 09:38

As mother of sons I hope I never give any future DIL cause to rant about me on MN. How to avoid???

LoveBeingAMummy · 07/11/2008 09:39

Morning

Glad you got to talk and that you got everything voer in the way you wanted rather than just being mad. Well done you!

But please re-consider going on sunday - its your braidsmaid and dd's godmothers day not your mil, please don't let her get in the way of you and people you love. She should be the one would doesn't go, not you.

bratnav · 07/11/2008 09:40

Glad it is all getting sorted, you never know it might turn out to be a good thing in the end if DH puts MIL straight once and for all about where his priorities lie?

Sounds like you handled it perfectly BTW

Lurcio · 07/11/2008 09:42

Wow! I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, THUM.

Your DH and MIL relationship sounds very similar to my X and my MIL. She would say apalling things at times and when I confronted XP his response would be "Just ignore her", or "Well, you know that's not what I think/feel" but would never confront her, or disagree with her. I just don't think he could- it seemed that she was boss and what she said, went.

Attila is right, your DH won't know any different, he has grown up with this and she is his Mum. but true.

Good luck and well done for remaining so calm and strong.

Buda · 07/11/2008 09:43

I am glad THUM that you managed to talk to your DH last night.

I wonder if he just accepted that you were not invited because he is used to his mum's way of doing things and for people to be suddenly out of favour is sort of normal for him? It is odd though that he didn't think to phone his cousin and ask her.

Have a nice day today. Happy shopping!

Thishasupsetme · 07/11/2008 09:45

If DH wants our marriage to work then he is going to have to speak to mil and tell her was out of line, this is not a point I will compromise on at all, so it is he choice.

FIL, ahhh well do not get mestarted on FIL, he is just as bad if not worse than MIL, he is actually step FIL and DH doesn't like him and has nothing to do with him for many, many reasons.

OP posts:
DiscoDizzy · 07/11/2008 09:46

I understand why you are not going to the christening but I think it is a shame. MIL has got what she wanted to a degree. I would honestly go and make her squirm.

Wordsmith · 07/11/2008 09:48

I think the best thing you and DH could do to show your MIL that she is not going to win is for the both of you, with your daughter to attend the christening as a family unit and show that you are strong. It is not really up to her to decide who is invited, and it sounds like the CIL wants you there. If you don't go you will just be letting her get her own way. If you do go, I imagine the only person who will be embarassed is your MIL. The CIL could play along with it and pretend it was a mix up and she's so glad you could come after all. Only you, DH, CIL and MIL would know any different.

Of couse this all depends on your DH growing his cojones, but I can't think of a better way to demonstrate to his mother that you and your daughter come first.

best of luck!

moonmother · 07/11/2008 09:53

Actually, from the way you have descrobed your husbands relationship with his mother, i wouldn't expect him to have the balls, to do as you've asked.

Here is what I would do.

I would ring his mother and state that you have spoken to Cil and that you were all invited to the christening, and that it was your husbands devious mother that has caused all this problem.

I would tell her that, although her son may be scared of her wicked and malicious ways , you are not. And as you have seen her true behaviour and feelings towards you, that you are unable to let your DD spend time with someone that can be so vindictive, so until a time as you see fit, your daughter will not be seeing her at all.

Her son is a grown up and able to (supposedly) make his own decisions, so of course if he wants to see her then you will have no problems with it.

Then put the phone down, safe in the knowledge that although your Husband may not put you first, you have shown her you will not tolerate this behaviour and you do put your child first, something she obviously doesn't.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2008 09:53

THUM

Interesting to note re what step FIL is like, not really surprised to be honest. He has let his wife get away with her controlling behaviours for want of a quiet life. He'salso likely playing the role of bystander in that house.

I do have a modicum of sympathy or your DH having a Mother for a control freak and his step FIL sounds vile too therefore made for each other. He still though needs to confront her.

Thishasupsetme · 07/11/2008 09:54

I must admit I feel kinda sorry for DH, MIL is and will always be his mum and I DO NOT want to come between them. I sincerely hope that if I ever have a DS that I do not act like my MIL has towards my DIL and that I would treat my DIL with the love ansd respect she would deserve.

DH thinks this is normal, he has been brought up like this, to me his family dynamic is odd as my family arer not like that, but to him it is completely normal and I have to take that ito account.

OP posts:
KerryMum · 07/11/2008 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thishasupsetme · 07/11/2008 10:02

Thasnks everyone, Kerrymum could you come and please hit DH over the head with a frying pan, I'm too scared

OP posts:
jumpingbeans · 07/11/2008 10:04

Well, I would go to the christening with dh and dd, I would be so dressed up and looking good, and do that pointy face thing at mil.
Tell dh not to even look at his dm, or you will rip him another arsehole, he may be a spineless bastard, but he's your spineless bastard, and if you love him, and don't wreak your marraige,just live with the fact he is what he is,and he will change/be molded, but it will take years and years of hard work on your part

gingerninja · 07/11/2008 10:06

Hi

I've been following this thread with a face like this . Personally I think you should get yourself ready and when she turns up at 1.30 tell them you're going too and let them squirm. Let them squirm for the entire day while you're nice as pie and then, when it's over, insist DH does something about his unbelievable mother. It'd be worth it for the look on her face when you react diffeently to how she expects.

PS Have you questioned why cousin/ aunt / SIL etc didn't mention it to you directly? Have you not had any contact with them recently when it's been mentioned in conversation?

blinks · 07/11/2008 10:06

we're talking about lying here... he lied big time and that is very much a betrayal of trust. i would be wondering what else he's lying about or keeping from me. ???

his relationships with his parents is his issue, when it starts affecting his wife and child (the inclusion of your DD in this propels it into a much more serious issue in my opinion), he needs to deal with it or he should have to bear the consequences.

don't engage in this with your MIL or treat it like a competition... taking action with your DH doesn't mean she wins. she's the loser already as she has now severely compromised her relationship with her grandchild.

her objective is obviously to undermine your relationship with your DH but she wouldn't have been successful if your DH hadn't let her.

Ruby2shoes · 07/11/2008 10:09

Use said card to buy a fab outfit and turn up at christening looking very glam and send your MIL a large bouquet through Interflora, with a little note saying you hope she is feeling better as she has not been herself lately!!!

QuintessentialShadow · 07/11/2008 10:10

Agree with Wordsmith. You should show her once and for all that YOU are his new family unit. She should be so ashamed. And the three of you going, would be just the thing to bring this home.

WaynettaSlob · 07/11/2008 10:12

THUM - just wanted to say that you have handled this really well (and received some excellent advice on here too).

Hope your DH doesn't mislay his cojones whilst at work today....

Enjoy your shopping. Hope this all works out for you.

QuintessentialShadow · 07/11/2008 10:14

I have had some pretty bad MIL problems, and have had exactly this debate with my husband, and at the end of the day, his role is not to take her side, but to stand firm by me, WHILST also try and mediate problems and not alienate one party. (her)

I dont want my dh to take my side against his mum. It does not have to be one against the other. I want him to be at my side, support me, and gently tell MIL what is and what is not acceptable. He needs to be ON THE BALL, he cant bury his head in the sand, he needs to know his mum, what she is capable of, and how to deal with her in such a manner that the extended family unit does not suffer, or has no feuds.

Your DH needs to be actively involved, have his firm focus, and he needs to know to handle his mum to ensure you can all have a livable relationship.

princessmel · 07/11/2008 10:16

Hi sorry, haven't got time to read whole thread, I went out last night and didn't see what happened after THUM sent the text back.

Please can I have a quick update?!

THUM I hope you have managed to work out what was going on with mil and dh.

bettybooo · 07/11/2008 10:26

I'm really sorry but have you asked him about why she put 'remember not to mention it to DW' in the text?

By saying "remember not to mention it to DW" it just seems a bit od. I know he says that he didn't know that you were not invited but surely at some point he would have asked why? How close is he to his cousin? How close is he to his sister?

It's all a bit out of order and I think you need more answers to be honest but well done for speaking to him.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 07/11/2008 10:29

THUM - I'm glad you got to talk to dh last night. I hope he grows some very soon and gets to grips with his mother.

I'm a bit though that despite all this going on he still feels it's OK to not come straight home from work and go out for a drink with his mates.

It's another example of you not being top of his list.

JustKeepSwimming · 07/11/2008 10:32

pmel - he texted back"didn't want you to find out this way'"
came home and went to bed
eventually came done and they talked last night.
get impression he is shocked by extent of his mother's bad behaviour.
has gone to work saying he is out for drinks after work with mates
OP is going out shopping & lunch with friendly folk

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