I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me.

[Thishasupsetme]

The message said 'Looking forward to Sunday, I'll pick you and DGD up at 1.30pm for X's christening, remember not to mention it to DW'
DH has told me that he is going to take DD out for a few hours on Saturday to give me some time to myself, but it looks like he is going to his family members christening and I am not invited.
I didn't know I had upset anyone. DD was christed 6 months ago now and all of his family were invited and his cousin is DD godmother.
I am really upset. I don't know if I should mention it to him or hust leave it.

Hi THUM glad you had a talk with DH and it seems that he is trying to understand and apologise. Lets hope he does talk to MIL because that is what is needed.

You have been very strong and I hope you have a lovely day with supportive people around.

I think you need to do lots of shopping on said credit card as well!

THUM,

Actually I can believe it when your H said he didn't realise that his mum could be so nasty and spiteful. You must remember he has been conditioned by her over the years to accept her behaviour as "normal". I am still not excusingwhat he has done though to you. I think you are both victims of her in different ways here; this lady has always been controlling and now you are getting the fallout from her need to control everyone around her. Controlling people cannot hide their controlling nature forever and you have cited examples of her wanting to control before this particular incident.

I hope he does speak to his Mum but I don't think for one minute you will personally receive any acknowledgement of wrong doing from her. I would suggest he reads "Toxic Parents" as well as that has a chapter in it about controlling parents (it may drop the scales from his eyes). At the very least you should read it.

Ah sorry, you meant you hadn't discussed that yet.

Have a good day with your dd and sil.

"I have put aside why she did it atm"

I could give you a reason as to why but you will never fully get to the bottom of it - this woman's insane desire to want to control everything and everyone around her. This is often done out of a deep seated insecurity and anxiety which neither of you have caused. She also likely enjoys the drama. These though are her issues; not yours or your H's to take ownership of.

TBH, I don't really want an apology from her, I want to take the highground here and she would only apologise if she was made to not because she is actually sorry so therefor I would not be able to accept her apology dyswim.

I would much rather DH spell out for he that she was wrong to do what she has and that she needs to 'behave' from now on if she still wants to be a part of her sons and her DGD life.

I don't think that that is unreasonable.

Your cousin's error here was to let MIL know about your family invite to the christening. This therefore gave controlling MIL an ideal opportunity to shut you out of the celebration.
In fairness to this cousin though she likely did not fully know or appreciate how controlling this particular individual is.

I am quite surprised that your DH didn't think to ring his cousin and ask why you weren't invited.
That would be my first reaction.

So so glad you talked last night.
You're right, there is more to be talked through but it's a start.
Maybe he will begin to realise what she is truly like as he has the day to think.
Hope you have a lovely day shopping/lunching/visiting.

Well done you

Well handled! Enjoy your lunch.

The thing is, there may well be circumstances in families where some people are welcome, and other people aren't.

For me, the big thing wouldn't be that he didn't say 'oi, why isn't my DW invited?!?' - the big thing is that he didn't tell you. He agreed to hide all this from you. That's the bit that would have me .

I'm glad to hear, at least, that he didn't know you were invited.

Hi THUM

re your comment:-

"would much rather DH spell out for he that she was wrong to do what she has and that she needs to 'behave' from now on if she still wants to be a part of her sons and her DGD life.

I don't think that that is unreasonable".

I don't think you're being unreasonable either.
Do you think he has the backbone to actually stand up for himself and his family now?.

Where's FIL in all this?

Well done THum, you handled it all so well. I would have been a gibbering, shouting banshee, not productive at all.

Your MIL has certainly picked the wrong person to mess with

THUM - I followed this yesterday but didn't really feel I could add anything beyond what people were saying. I just wanted to say though that I think you have handled everything superbly given the hurt you must be feeling. I hope your DH is this morning realising what a gem of a wife he has and that he needs to stand up to his mum over this, and in the future.

Hope you have a good day - sounds like DCIL and DSIL are very supportive and lovely so I'm sure you will.

THUM - WELL DONE. You did an excellent job of sticking strongly to the main points and standing your ground.

In some ways, think a good tactic would be for you, DH and DD to GO to the Christening, as a family, with your heads held high, and with DH being demonstrative that he is with HIS family - you and DD. But you will know how that would effect the event as a whole - it's obviously important that CIL has a lovely christening, but it seems unfi on her that you, her friend, should be bumped out.

MIL will not cave in easily - she will lash back, trying to get other family members on her side, and she will come u with all sorts of lies toyour DH - she will probably maintain that CIL is the ne whois lying and she didn't invite you. But that is SO unlikely that no one in thier right mind should believe it.

Keep being clear, direct and strong with your DH !

The 'toxic' book sounds good!

Good luck - you do have the strongest hand over MIL, and she must be pretty stupid realy, if she thought this wouldn't be found out! So, keep your head high and keep strong!

good grief

think some marriage counseling might be needed here as your DH is obviously not taking responsibility for his part in this OR making enough effort to resolve it. this reluctance is just not on.

the going for a drink after work is also very symbolic of how high in the pecking order you are, I'm afraid.

forget the MIL- she's his problem. HE, however, is your problem...

i wouldn't be seeing your bitch of a MIL anymore either.

If I was your DCIL I would call your MIL and tell her she us not welcome at the Christening so as to make sure there was no reason for you not to be there.
I think you've done incredibly well to stay so calm through all of this, but I'm afraid I think your husband is still hiding things from you. I'm amazed you didn't put your foot down when he said he was going out with mates as a priority over sorting out the mess he caused in his marriage but I guess you didn't have the energy to fight that battle.
I think you really need to know what the supposed reason was for your exclusion. It must have been pretty extreme if your DH felt his only choice was to hide it from you.
Anyway, please let us know how you go - we're all backing you 100%.

Well done THUM. Enjoy your lunch!

I've read all of this and want to give you a big hug. I can only begin to imagine how sickened you have felt by the whole thing.

I'm glad you talked ....... but ....... if your H is serious about showing how you are his priority then he has got to put his money where his mouth is and not only stand up to the monster-in-law, but put aside his effing bloody social life until you have all the answers you need and so richly deserve. In fact, after your talk, I am disgusted that although you have clearly told him further discussion is required (not surprisingly) he has still chosen to return home late tonight - putting a computer game above you !! Despite what he says, I'm really not sure if he truly recognises the severity of what he's done here and sloping off (avoiding you, putting off the inevitable - again) to his mates is, IMO, incredibly insulting and I wish I could slap him for you.

Good luck at your cousin's later .... I expect you will feel very emotional when you see her. If there was any justice the monster-in-law would be uninvited from the celebration so you & DD could attend without fear of any unpleasantness. However, I appreciate the cousin could be nervous about being dragged into monster-in-law's spiteful games. I hope she is summarily ignored by all and sundry on the day.

Have read with interest, pushes many of my in-law buttons. Sigh. I don't agree that men can't let go of the apron strings but iy may take a long long time. (For those of you with sons, take pause!!)

Many good suggestions here for THUM which I won't add onto, just want to say that I don't think you are being unreasonable and I underscore those who say you should fight for your marriage - a it's the right thing to do and b you can't mil win! (ime that's what it is all about - mil fighting to have dh 'back' in her family, which is weird and impossible)

I think we should all turn up at the christening in lovely hats, including TasheE's husband

Blimey.
I've just read through all of this. Has taken me ages

Firstly, I have no words about your MIL. She is in a completely weird and bizarre league of her own.

Secondly, Your dh must must must confront his mother about this otherwise it will continue (trust me, I've been there).

Thirdly, if I were you I'd let dh go to the christening with his mum but leave dd with you. Your dh should tell your MIL that you'll be turning up with dd seperatley to meet him as you have something to do beforehand (excuse).
That would stick it up her good and proper.
Then dh will have to deal with all the questions from his mother and its his perfect chance to set the record straight.

I am absolutely fuming for you.
Your MIL is vile.