I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me.

[Thishasupsetme]

The message said 'Looking forward to Sunday, I'll pick you and DGD up at 1.30pm for X's christening, remember not to mention it to DW'
DH has told me that he is going to take DD out for a few hours on Saturday to give me some time to myself, but it looks like he is going to his family members christening and I am not invited.
I didn't know I had upset anyone. DD was christed 6 months ago now and all of his family were invited and his cousin is DD godmother.
I am really upset. I don't know if I should mention it to him or hust leave it.

THUM - I have just read the whole thread and it looks as if you have had a very tough night. Can I suggest a couple of things which may help &/prevent a worsening situation.

1 - Don't act too quickly with a knee jerk reaction whilst emotions are running high. You will be tempted to punish him for the pain he has caused you and by doing so may actually hurt yourself/your relationship more. Give both yourself and your husband time to mellow. This sounds quite embedded and it may take longer than the next 3 days before the christening to resolve.

2 - Find some space for you & your husband to talk without your daugther being present. If your DSIL is coming round tomorrow can you ask her if she can take your daughter our for a little while or to babysit whilst you & your husband go out to talk about this.

3 - Ask your husband for a show of solidarity. Ask him to stay home with you and your daughter for the day of the christening. Whichever of you goes along it can only be highly emotional for all of you and can only serve to a)paper over the cracks if you do go together as a family or b) widen the chasm if some of you go and some of you don't. It will also cause awkwardness for other family members who will be put in a position of divided loyalties.

4 - Regarding his ability to shut himself off and go to bed. I have met this behaviour before in my husband. It may mean a number of different things including a) he is depressed/suffering anxiety and trying to shut it out b) he is compartmentalising and again tryin to shut it out c) he doesn't know what to do as he doesn't feel there is a way out and therefore he is hiding.

I wish you all the luck in the world.This is a tough time for you but you sound strong and you will get through it.

Mr TashaE is the voice of reason here if you ask me.

I think many of the other contributions are over the top

you need to go up there and wake him up and find out if he knows that your cousin did in fact invite you or not.

Have you though that your husbands cousin, might be telling everyone about what your mil has done, come sunday. Your mil will not be thought of in a good manner by her relatives when this comes out.

nothing to add, just read the thread and wanted to say sorry you are having to deal with this. You sound like a nice person and this is really horrible and upsetting. I know how horrible it is when someone so close to you is disloyal.

One good thing as others have said is that you have the text from the MIL and the nice one from the cousin so you know it all originates with the MIL - I'd tell all the extended family about what MIL tried to do - hopefully it will backfire on her and make everyone realise how horrible she has been to you - without any reason at all it seems.

Have watched this thread over this evening

TashaE's dh is wonderful, thanks for giving a bloke's opinion on this.

I don't think it's particularly useful for people to tell THUM that she should kick her dh out. It seems obvious she loves him and if I was in her shoes I'd be trying to save my marriage.

The christening people say they know nothing about this deception. Dh has been manipulated by his dm, yes, THUM is his wife but the evil MIL is still his dm, he is defintely going to be pulled in two, poor man.

He has gone to bed cos he needs time to think this through. Men ARE different from women and just because WE are all outraged doesn't mean that he will deal with it as we see fit. He needs to go into his cave and THUM needs to wait till he is ready to deal with her. As women we find this incredibly difficult but ime waiting for the bloke to be ready usually provides the most satisfactory outcome (usually a bloke with his tail between his legs). If you push too soon it all backfires badly!

THUM I sincerely hope that you and dh manage to discuss this over the next few days and sort it out. Whether MIL gets told to butt out or whether you decide dh is not good enough, I hope that you make the right decision for you and your family. (speaking as someone who had to make a break from her 1st dh)

wishing you all the very best, K x

Klaw is obviously a reader of MenAreFromMarsWomenAreFromVenus , and while her opinion is as worthy as anyone else's, can I just say i thought that book was a crock of shit? It had a bit in it along the lines of, a woman says "we never go anywhere", which the man is meant to translate as "I love your company and it would be so great if we could date again and re-live all the romance which was so amazing", but what he hears is "you lazy unromantic wanker, why do you never take me out anymore". I say "yes, that's exactly what I mean you Neanderthal, so DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT"....miscommunication, caves, blah blah, my arse- he's a human being with frontal lobes, just get over yourself!!!

poor you . what an awful situation to be in.
i assume you are reading this tomorrow morning.
some advice: keep calm, smile alot in front of DD, say very little, dont raise yourvoice and do go on sunday.
all these people are part of your life now, your posts say about you being the GM and bridesmaid etc so go for the family that you love.
MIl always die eventually.
and good fathers are hard to find.
good marriages are worth fighting for.

Sorry you are having to deal with this THUM - I hope you are getting some sleep and don't spend the night stewing on what has happened today.

For what it is worth I think that your MIL is the evil one in all this and your DH is being manipulated like a good un too. That isn't to say he isn't being a bit of an idiot now.

I think MIL told him about the christening and said only he and DD were invited and that she would pick him up. He may well have made noises about not being happy with that (should have made them louder imo and I would be angry that he didn't) but was thinking about playing along with it, hence the offer of sometime alone on Sunday. I suspect he was having big doubts and MIL then sent the text to force his hand, thinking that DH would do as she said and leave you at home.

I really think it wouldn't have occurred to MIL that DH wouldn't do as she wanted. He has gone to ground because he doesn't want to upset you but at the same time doesn't have the guts to stand up to MIL. He can't think of an excuse for his behaviour that won't end up with your being hurt, not realising that you are already hurt and he needs to back you.

Kicking him out or leaving won't sort this out - he needs to understand what a manipulative cow MIL is being and he needs to be shown that it is either her or you. Being apart would leave him nowhere to go (emotionally or physically) except back to his mother who would undoubtedly wrap him round her finger.

Stay and help him grow some balls. Let him know what he stands to lose and show him that if he lets his mother win and your marriage ends that won't be the end of the behaviour, his mother will do it again with the next wife or girlfriend. She needs to be stopped now.

Good luck.

Under the current circumstances I would attend said christening, be as gracious as poss, ensure everyone and I mean EVERYONE knew you were there with good intent and be the nicest, most gracious guest on site.

MIL will have been counting on bad mouthing you so just be sure that every aspect of your behaviour dicounts her word.

Absolute dignity, absolute pride and absolute happiness for the occasion. Nothing is wrong unless it comes from your MIL.

EVERYONE will appreciate you for not making a scene on the occasion and will think less of her for trying to cause conflict.

Show her up but ensure abolute dignity.

IMO Good luck.

I think the male advice here is good...

at the end of the day he does need to stand up now. Her actions are now so obvious and hurtful that nobody in the entire family will be able to ignore it, she has dug herself an almighty grave.

hope all OK today

Agree with cadix. I still really don't believe he knew OP was invited and hasn't spoken to the OP cos he doesn't know how to tell her this.

"I didn't want you to find out this way."

Find out what?
He knew there was something to find out. Hence hiding under the bedclothes. Of course he knew to keep quiet about the OP not being invited, it's all in the OP - 'remember not to mention it to DW', or am I missing the point?

TashaE's dh does make some sense but I agree with Soapy - THUM's H needs to stand up and be an adult: admit what he's done and tell her why he has done it.

He is a twat, possibly not irredeembably so. Hurray for the lovely cousin!

Whilst I agree that THUM's DH burying head in sand behaviour is typical of some men it doesn't mean that it is right. It shows disrespect and complete immaturity. Yes he has been backed into a corner but whose fault is that then? The MIL does sound poisonous but the DH went along with it. He knew it was wrong as he didn't want THUM 'to find out like this'.

Find out what exactly? That she wasn't invited to a family event? - No - she was but for some reason he chose not to pass on the invite. Why? Because MIL suddenly wanted him and the DD to herself? It's all a bit odd - surely the MIL would expect other family members to wonder where THUM was on Sunday? And why send the text to THUM? Very strange behaviour.

The MIL appears to have form for being controlling and the DH has grown up with this and it is normal to him. Up until now (we think) THUM hasn't been on the receiving end.

THUM - I hope you got some sleep. I feel really sorry for you having the rug pulled out from under your feet. You and your DH really need to sit down and talk about this. I do agree that you will get further with him if you stay calm. Difficult as it may be.

I would say to him that you were extremely hurt and angry to find out that he and MIL were doing this to you. That you are wondering why. Two scenarios jump to mind - he wanted you out of the way as he has someone else who will be there (that in my view IS an option I'm afraid - it could be a family member or friend unfortunately). Other scenario is that MIL didn;t want you there for some reason and he went along with it. He went along with the 2 possibilities - either you were not invited by cousin or MIL didn't want you there.

He knows full well that it is wrong. That is why he is hiding in bed.

You need to ask him who his priorities are - his mother or his wife and child. You need to spell out to him (still calmly if you can manage it!) that his mother's behaviour is not normal. I would also ask him if anything similar has happened before.

I would tell him that you love him and that he is a good DH and a good Dad but that you need reassurance that YOUR family unit comes first. And I would be extremely and completely clear that if anything like this EVER happens again that you are finished.

I would then send MIL a text along the lines of 'I am not sure what games you are playing but I am shocked and hurt and angry that you would do such a thing. We will not be seeing you for a while'. See what the response to that is.

REgarding whether you go on Sunday. Up to you. Personally - I wouldn't. I would call the cousin and explain that you really don't wnat to be in the same room as MIL and you don't want an atmosphere at her DC's christening. I would then buy a card and present and drop them off at cousins.

And I would tell any family member who asks exactly why you were not at christening!

Morning THUM. I hope you got a little sleep.

Having read this thread there is so much advice here that I found it a little confusing. I have nothing to add except to hope you are ok in all of this which must be very difficult and upsetting.

Buda, lots of sterling advice but just on your point

"I would then send MIL a text along the lines of 'I am not sure what games you are playing but I am shocked and hurt and angry that you would do such a thing. We will not be seeing you for a while'. See what the response to that is."

I really think you shouldn't get into doing anything by text, if you want to tell MIL you won't see her again do it over the phone or you and your DH both do it face to face with her. THUM (am I alone in actually pronouncing you "thum" now??) hope you got some sleep and that DH doesn't skid out the door to work without letting you at him. Hope you get some answers today.

Morning. Hope you are OK and getting some answers x

I have just read all of this (well most of it anyway

And the thing that I keep thinking and I could be completely wrong but is their any reason you can think of that your oh wouldn't want you to be there on Sunday ? And in fact the MIL thought she was doing you some sort of weird favour by letting you know about the christening .

I know it goes against the grain of the MIL being a witch but thought it was worth saying .

Good luck though and whoever is being a prat here it certainly is't you and I would be kicking his backside either way (probably wouldn't fix much but would make me feel a wee bit better )

How are things this morning THUM?

What a disgrace .

I hope you get some answers this morning THUM. MIL sounds totally poisonous and DH sounds as weak as water at the very least.

Hope you've slept well and got some answers from your DH.

We are all speculating about your DH and MIL's possible motives. This is all the more reason you actually need to hear an explanation from them directly. It is adding insult to injury that your DH refused to talk about it. If mine were being so disrespectful I WOULD kick him out. I would also be very worried and upset that there was more going on. travellingwilbury might be right and your MIL may have been trying to help you.

I understand where you are coming from VintageG - I just thought that as the MIL had sent a text 'by mistake' it might be poetic justice for her to hear back by the same means. And also that THUM might find it hard to actually confront her on the phone or in person. Easier to sound dignified and calm by text.

I actually think that THUM's (and yes I am pronouncing it like that in my head) DH should be the one to tell her how out of order she is but I doubt he would.

I still think that either way, whether DH knew that THUM was invited or even if he thought that she wasnt invited, he is still well out of order!

Come on, if a close family member that always got along well with your partner said to you 'I'm having a christening but dont want your partner there' would you just say 'ok then' and run around making plans in secret? or would you say 'why on earth not? whats happened?' and get to the bottom of it rather than going on your own?
Its just not normal. Even if MIL did tell DH that thum wasnt invited, no normal person would just accept that and go on his own. Its very very odd and he NEEDS to explain himself!!!

There is also the fact that THUMS DH didn't feel any need to justify what he had done, or try and comfort his wife/save his marriage, but went straight to bed.

This says that he really doesn't want to put his marriage first, but simply wants an easy life, at his wife's expense!

FGS she was crying/devasted, and he just went to bed!