I've just received a text from MIL which I think was meant for DH and it has upset me.

[Thishasupsetme]

The message said 'Looking forward to Sunday, I'll pick you and DGD up at 1.30pm for X's christening, remember not to mention it to DW'
DH has told me that he is going to take DD out for a few hours on Saturday to give me some time to myself, but it looks like he is going to his family members christening and I am not invited.
I didn't know I had upset anyone. DD was christed 6 months ago now and all of his family were invited and his cousin is DD godmother.
I am really upset. I don't know if I should mention it to him or hust leave it.

I am feeling weirdly calm tbh, it is like it is not happening to me and I am just reading about it, that may be because of the wine or because of DH's or H's lack of empathy and caring and explanation, I just don't know how to feel.

DSIL is coming round in the morning to see me, I can talk to her (she is lovely) and she will help me decide what to do. Failing that my DB can always kick DH's arse into next week.

oh thum. have just seen all this. am really for you.... like everyone else on here! you are being v dignified in all the circs. he is being a spineless twat (but you knew that!). i think him crawling under duvet and sleeping would make me madder than the original crime actually....

i had a thotoughly toxic mil and she caused all sorts of upset between me and dh so you have my sympathy. only soved by her death in fact

I would be tempted to drag his arse out of bed and send him back to his bloody mothers now!

Yey for your dsil and bro, I hope he does give him an almighty bollocking actually. Night night, hope you sleep x x

I would think another woman unlikely. More probable that your DH has somehow been tricked into this situation by MIL and is now holding his eyes closed tightly because he can't quite bring himself to come down and say Oh God I've just realised my mother is a complete bitch. I mean it is a big thing to realise. Of course he should be addressing the issue but sounds as if he's just frozen and genuinely doesn't know what to say - otherwise he would just explain? Perhaps. Anyway.

Hope you can sleep THUM. I don't agree it is the end of your marriage, unless more transpires tomorrow - at the moment it is a few stupid lies, a few spineless moments and a horrible argument. Marriages withstand worse, if you want them to.

No no niggling doubts about his fidelity TBH the thought never crossed my mind until now.

Just got a text of DH's cousin and she says sorry about this lots of hugs, ring me if u want to speak, would love u 2 b there on Sun. xxxx

where abouts are you, I'll kick your DH's useless ass into next week, that way no family ties
so sorry you are going through this. am still on your behalf.

Yay for the cousin!

He is obv. a fucking arse and she is as childish as they come. I would be kicking his arse into next week!! What a rotten situation for you.
Get rid of MIL out of your life. Her toxicity is not good for either you or your DD.

Seriously, THUM if the cousin really wants to do something about it she should tell our MIL that she's not welcome at the Christening.

your MIL obviously! Although I feel like she's all our MILs at the moment!

If the cousin wants you there, fuck the MIL and your DH. Go and enjoy the day and see them squirm.

Thishasreallyupsetme

I'm posting this as TashaE's husband.

A bloke's perspective on all this...we don't always have motives for everything we do...we just think differently sometimes.

I know you're in a really difficult position, but you need to take a step back from doing something you will really regret later. In between all the messages about how hurt and upset you are, you have said that you love DH and that he is a good father and from the sound of it, you don't really want to throw all this away.

You (and almost everyone else on MN) are saying your DH is behaving really badly (and to an extent, I agree), BUT, there are two sides to this. First, you have mentioned above the odd relationship with MIL, so this clearly isn't the first time and it isn't something that is going to change; you cannot simply 'divorce' someone from their parents, however odd they are, so you will simply have to live with this. Secondly, from your DH's perspective, he has been put in a difficult position by his mother and he probably simply didn't know how to broach the subject with you because he knew it would hurt you - blokes don't find this sort of thing very easy to talk about and the easiest thing to do (and in hindsight, the wrong thing - isn't hindsight wonderful!) is not to tell you and hope the problem will just go away.

I am sorry to say this, but you have now boxed him into a corner...you need to give him a way out of this that allows him to say sorry to you in his own way. So, don't confront him any further tonight.

Tomorrow morning, start a conversation with "DH, I know you've been put in a difficult position and I know you were going to tell me...I was just a bit shocked and hurt to find out about this the way I did. Can you tell me what's happened..." and take things from there.

Finally, I have no idea what your tone was when you said this, but "we need to talk about this" can mean exactly that, or it can mean "YOU'RE GUILTY! JUSTIFY YOURSELF". If you mean the former (and I think that, in your heart, you do), you need to make that clear.

Good luck.

Husband, who will never be allowed on MN again!

My god THUM I have just read the entire 31 pages of this. Traumatic enough for a reader, but my heart goes out to you.

My mother is your MIL - I swear! Fortunately my brother is aware as we all are in the family and really try to buffer for her.

Your DH has GOT to start taking responsibility and putting you first.

Your dh simply must be in denial and you have got to make sure he realises how serious this betrayal is.

I am so sorry you are going through this and really hope your brother and sil steam in and look after you.

My best wishes to you. x

As a newbie I would just like to add how offputting the trolls and troll patrol are. Not Nice!

TashE DH speaks some wise words IME, you see I think the problem really is your MIL, your dh has been stupid not to stand up to her but I'm sure he feels torn.

lol Tashae's DH, thanks.

He is a good dad and husband, but I cannot be with him if I have to put up with his mother anymore. I cannot have her so prolific in my life, I need DH to fight my corner, and to do so becuase he wants to not because he feels he has to DYSWIM.

I feel boody awful for my DD, how mil can bring her into this situation by wanting DD there but not making me, DD's mum feel welcome by DH's family who I think of as my own, In fact it makes me FUCKING LIVID when it comes down to it.

If all this was the other way round, I would be kicking up some shit.

I understand that DH would not want to upset me, but he needs toshow i and fight for me not just bury his head in the sand, he is 32 years old fgs not 15. I am his wife and mother of his child.

Sleep well THUM, will be thinking of you.

I've been reading this thread since it started and i'm and for you.

I'm with the bucket of ice water brigade, i'd want explainations now. I'd also kick DH out of bed, you should be the one comfortable not him!

I don't think that dh can deny knowing about the deception as he said in his text "I didn't want you to find out this way". He was clearly aware that some deception was taking place and, by failing to let you know, is complicit in that deception.

He obviously didn't think things through because at some point you would meet with cousin and her child's christening would be mentioned.

I would seriously take dd away for a few days. It might make him think about what he has to lose if you aren't around for a while. You could choose to turn up to the christening under your own steam, just you and dd. Then let him and MIL explain to the rest of the family.

Looking on the positive side, at least you know the cousin was completely innocent in all of this. At 3.30 pm you didn't know if the whole extended family had something against you. Now you know it's just MIL and your DH I think that's some sort of result.

How about this scenario -
A few weeks ago MIL wanted to have DH and DD to herself for the day and suggested this coming Sunday. DH not sure but went along with it and suggested to you he 'take dd off your hands for the day' without telling you that they were going to spend it with MIL. (Naughty DH). Then MIL hears about the Christening and realises her plans for a lovely day out are going to be scuppered so she suggests to DH that they include the Christening in their day out but not to tell you as it will spoil the plans. DH not happy but goes along with it for an easy life.
Now you are aware of the situation DH is unsure of how to untangle the web of deceit without sounding like a complete wanker.

Unless you have any other concerns about your relationship I would use this incident to strengthen it. E.g. make him see that you are the woman in his life not MIL, restrict MIL's access to DD (your ace) and talk about trust in the future.

I really don't buy that at all Tasha's DH.

Her DH has behaved appallingly.

The betrayal is his, not her MILs. And I suspect this is what is hurting her so much.

The reaction you describe, is an 'enabler's' reaction. One which will enable him to continue his current behaviour.

He deserves no easy route out of his predicament. If she gives him one, then there is no necessity for him to change his behaviour and this will in all liklihood happen again, and again, and again.

I think she is right to demand some space between them at the current time. Then perhaps when the immediate crisis is over, she can ask him to attend relate sessions or some other form of counselling to ensure that this kind of behaviour does not lead to the end of their relationship.

nolonger dd is 18 months if I remember rightly.
However my ds is 9 and is still expected to lie by xp's family. ho hum.

Nolonger, DD is 18mo she wouldn't have said anything other than dadadady (lol) and dandma, bless her .

Nolonger - I wondered that too. How old is your dd, THUM?