What a bloody night I've had...

[SOLOtsofBangers]

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

Don't be so nice!!!! Tell him you'll look when you next have a minute to spare. With two children, it might be several months away!

I'm too nice aren't I?

you are too nice Solo but then that makes you superior to him. Well done. By the way, how is your dad?

NDP, he lives in his house alone. He's been stringing OW along too, but no children with her from what I gather(which wasn't/isn't much) Yes, I've been a lone parent since I first had my Ds(not Dp's child)10+ years ago. It will be little different, but I had lived in hope that when he retires next year that he would be more involved with me/us.

Dad is ok ~ well as ok as he can be under the circumstances.

All a horrible shock.

What a dick.

all round.

Yep! he's an arse.

solo - drop the key off at his mums???
Then you dont have to communicate with him at all.

I could do VVV, but I want to have it out with him. I want to ask questions ~ I'm one of those people that has to know...He on the other hand obviously doesn't say very much, well not to me

Just had a phone call from him. He's back.
I'm going over to his place tonight. I'm not looking forward to it at all...
I don't want to take Dd with me, but doubt I'll have a choice.
Wish me luck ladies, I need every ounce of luck and strength to do this.
I've felt sick all day, dizzy etc. Damn that man, damn him.

Best of British, solo.

Good luck solo. don't let him talk you round or soft soap you. Can you leave dd with his mum? That'd keep you on track knowing you have to see her immediately after.

good luck solo being following from day one your doing so well honey stay strong and dont let him manipulate you!! YOU DONT NEED HIM!!
let us know how it goes
xx

Good luck Solo, sorry I haven't been around. Not been well & problems of my own with DP who suffers from depression & won't get help except from a wine bottle. Seems to be avoiding me tonight - probably in one of his depressions and drunk to suppress it. Hope things go well with you. I'm feeling very depressed about men ATM.

Oh, and your DD is Gorgeous! That hair! Those eyes! She's a stunner.

Well...
I went to his place(because it gave me the control over when the meeting starts/ends). He has apologised, but says he's relieved it's out. Says he's tried to end it with her twice(only twice?!), I was in his life first and he didn't mean for it to happen with her, it just kind of snow balled.
She did still go away with him, but it was very frosty(bet he had a crap holiday ~ but I didn't ask how it was, I don't actually care)and he says that it was only paid for by him for the purpose of booking and that she's transfered the money over to him. If I'd been her, I would've let him take the cost and told him to get lost(actually, I wouldn't have, I just couldn't). She's been on holiday with him 'a couple of times'.
I had a bite to eat with him.
He doesn't know where he's going from here, but I told him(when I was leaving)that I still love him and that I forgive him. I don't see that as being a mug, more 'actually honey, I'm better than you and I'm rising above it', and he said that I'm too generous, meaning I guess, that he doesn't deserve my love or forgiveness.
During our conversation, he did ask me about my dad and gave me the biggest and most genuine hug that I've had from him in a long time.

Last January ~ right after New Years, we had a bit of a ding dong and he went away to think about 'us', but when he came back, he just slipped back into the way we were before and the conversation just wasn't had. I was devastated back then ~ inconsolable and my best friend thought I was suicidal ~ I may well have been but for my Dc's. I said to him last night, that he'd had the perfect get out card if he'd wanted it, back then.

So...
I still have no idea where this will go, but I want to thank you all for your support and I will keep you up to speed. I may well need you to hold my hand if it all goes completely pear shaped.

Tanee, I'm sorry things aren't great for you. Depression is an awful thing to suffer, for everyone, not just the depressed. Hang on in there kind

Thanks for the comments about Dd. She is very beautiful.

Which ever way you look at it dittany, he did wrong. I know it, you know it and he knows it. He has cut knees from his tripping over the first hurdle. He'll have the scars forever. He'll never, ever forget that fall regardless of the outcome.

Thank you Solo. Yes, depression impacts on everyone. We've had a terrible weekend, still not speaking, he's obviously avoiding me and I don't know how to approach him. I know he'll be sleeping on the sofa again tonight - he can't bear to be near me and it's been like this since Thursday . I need to persuade him to see the doctor before everything goes to pieces. Had DD in tears last night because of how upset she sees me, and that made my heart bleed as she hasn't been that upset since her father and I split up. She actually had to sleep with me because we found DP had crashed out on her bed! How Freudian is that??

I do hope you find a way forward yourself. You have offered your DP much more than he deserves, and I hope he appreciates it. Do please let us know how you get on.

Tanee, could you write a letter to your Dh? write down all you thoughts about him/you/Dd, how you care what happens to him and that you want to help him or at least support him whilst he gets professional help(assuming that you want to help him of course). Tell him how much this is affecting you all, not just him. Sorry if I sound like I'm trying to teach you how to suck eggs, but I sometimes in the past have found that writing it all down is possibly the best way. You can do it in a deliberate and considered fashion over and over until it's right.

I certainly will let you know how I go with Dp, but you too please, you too. Kind

Solo, thankyou! If you want to know the latest gory details in my saga, I've put them on the Fab & Glam thread. I was posting like mad at midnight to keep calm after he declared it's over and he wants us to sell up, and he will move out.

Yes, I did actually write a letter to him several months ago, during a previous crisis - but I didn't give it to him in the end as he agreed to try Relate. I'm a great believer in the power of words and I write better than I speak - more time for reflection etc! I still have it on my computer at work, I think, and will have a look at it today and alter it to suit. I do think a good letter helps, as one can read it over at calm moments, and really take it in. I think, whether he agrees to go to the doctor with me next week or not, I will try the letter.

Yes, let's keep each other posted. How are you today? Any communication with your own middle-aged crisis man? (tentative and very shaky )

Aw! Tanee. You are lovely.

Glad you have a love of words too, they can be magical ~ even the ones you don't want to write.
Good luck with it all...x

I had hoped to sit and write a few words down for myself before I went over to his place last Friday, but in the end I didn't, but I did remember to use a few of them during our conversation...Integrity was the main one for me.
No, I haven't heard from him at all. I will call his mum later on to see what he told her. He had phoned her on Friday and told her that a lot had been going on etc. I don't know what he was going to tell her, but he doesn't know that she already knows what I know. I told him that I'd not said anything at all and she said nothing about knowing to him either. We shall see...

Hi Solo, how are you today?

I've been given some brilliant advice and help by another MNetter whose partner sounds so similar to mine. Seems he probably has Borderline Personality Disorder - it's so good to put a label to it, instead of thinking that he's just an arse . He fits so many of the symptoms that it seems pretty certain. She's also given me some coping strategies - I tried them last night, and they seemed to work - mainly by me behaving perfectly normally and pretending that the last few days never happened. No more talk of us being over, selling the house and him sleeping on the sofa from now on. We spent a pleasant evening (I think he was on his guard initially, but relaxed when I didn't raise issues), and he came back to our bedroom. I feel so empowered now, instead of the helpless victim of his moods.

Of course, it could all change tomorrow when I find a For Sale board planted outside our front door, but for now, I'm tentatively hopefull.

Wishing you so much of the best for you and your gorgeous little girl

Hi Tanee, I'm ok thank you for asking.
You sound more up beat today and I'm glad. I hope it just gets better and better for you(both and together).

I haven't heard from Dp since I saw him on Friday. Funny, I have been so supportive with his mums cancer, but I feel like I've had none over my dear Dads...

I still haven't told my Ds about the possibility of the split. Dp is the only man that has really been in his life as a 'father figure' unless you count my Dad(his Grandad). Ds will be utterly devastated. He's a very sensitive boy and has had some positive stuff froom Dp over the last 4 years. I've loved that they've sat and watch footie together and discussed the game etc. Ds wouldn't get that from me.
Dd keeps saying 'Daddy' and I just so don't want her to want him atm. I'm awful aren't I? But I feel that he's not been there when it's been important or when I've needed him, so if he doesn't want to be a part of my family, then none of us will need him. He can spend all his time with OW as he probably has been during all those sleepless nights(19 months worth)and through all the illnesses etc.
I still sound angry still don't I?
Will catch up soon. Kind