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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What a bloody night I've had...

369 replies

SOLOtsofBangers · 05/11/2008 00:30

Dp tells me he has two weeks off. He then tells me 3 days later that he's going on holiday. On his own. Nothing unusual there. I tell him that I'd quite like it if he'd actually spend some time with me for a change(we have never lived together). He leaves as he has a 'meeting' to go to.
I go to my parents house to be told that Dad has cancer...I had my suspicions, but I'm lost really. My son has taken it badly, but Dd too young to understand. Dp rings me before he runs off to his 'meeting' ~ he's late he says. Half hour later he rings again except that he hasn't ~ his phone has dialled my number in his pocket. I can hear a convo going on between a woman and him and he mentions that she hasn't paid for Antigua anyway(joke, joke, joke etc). Antigua, he told me he was going to Egypt! Alone! He's obviously at his house, so I made a quick dash to his with our Dd, knocked on the door, he answered ~ looked shocked. Said I couldn't come in, I asked if 'meeting' had been cancelled, he said he had someone here, it wasn't convenient. I shouted through the house 'hope you have a nice holiday with my boyfriend'. He says you might as well come in now then, it's out in the open.
She's not quite what I would have imagined her to be. He's very good looking, she's not and it's not just me being bitchy, because I'm really not that sort. I asked her how long she's been seeing him and she says....
4 years!.
I've been with him for 4 years! I'm so bloody angry. She didn't know about me or our Dd.
Anyway, I shouted a bit, really wanted to hit him but I wont lower myself to that.
I think I've spoiled their holiday...
I don't really want to hear 'get shot of him' tbh. I just needed to vent. I'm hurting so badly. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do that to me, that he was different, that he would want me and our Dd in his life over other women. I was wrong.
4 years wasted. 4 bloody years. I can't even cry I'm so angry.

OP posts:
solo · 06/11/2008 23:23

Co habit? That doesn't sound/feel like the right word.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 06/11/2008 23:43

God, I've just read this and realy feel so sad and angry for you. The only thing I can say is that you will find the strength you need to get through this, and that is something noone can ever take away. Also, I am a big believer in karma- ime people who are so cruel and who treat others with such disregard usually end up coming a cropper, somehow, while you just get stronger and move on to better things. I really wish you all the luck in the world.

The fact that your poor dad is so ill makes it all so much worse. You'll need all the support and strength you can gather around you- here and in RL. I'm sure you'll find it. The only way is up

solo · 06/11/2008 23:50

Jooly, that's really lovely of you, thank you.
I too believe in Karma. What goes around, comes around.
I've been a cow in a past life and I've had pay back. This time, I've been totally faithful and totally his. I don't really understand why I seem to be getting the water rippling around me this time. Thought I'd earned some calm waters in the last 10+ years...obviously not

solo · 07/11/2008 00:00

Oh! and it's now midnight and he didn't phone. Nothing changes...

solo · 07/11/2008 00:00

I just wanted to reject his call...

shabster · 07/11/2008 00:02

Only a couple of thoughts that are right in this life. 'What goes around comes around' and 'Ce sera sera whatever will be, will be.'

Nobody can go around hurting folk and getting away with everything forever. Hold your head up and be a fab mum (like I am sure you already are)

Good luck for the future. Let success be your revenge my love

shabster · 07/11/2008 00:04

Oh sweetheart - I have been married for 30 unhappy years. Many sad times and reasons for hating the life I live in. Dont be like me. Early 50's, pissed off and sad. Make a fab life for you and your children.

solo · 07/11/2008 00:10

Shabster, that makes me so sad that you are so unhappy. I'm really sorry for you.

Fllightthebluetouchpaper · 07/11/2008 06:25

Solo. Important question here. Who has custody of that beautiful bike??

DD is a stunner, especially with that hair!!!

solo · 07/11/2008 08:49

Fllight!, THAT is my bike!

Waltzywotzy · 07/11/2008 09:03

Solo I am so sorry to hear this. How terrible.
I knew a woman at work who had a 9 year relationship, her dp didn't want children, so she never had any. She found out, he had a secret family and he, had children with OW. Both women knew nothing of each other. So many lives left in tatters by one person. I don't know why you'd need to know this, but I wanted to tell you incase it helps know that it happens and is always unexpected.

NorbertDentressangle · 07/11/2008 09:48

Solo RE: your post "ND, I have nothing at all to be ashamed of ~ he does and he will have the difficulty looking me in the eye and that will be good for me(I think)."

Please, please don't think that I meant that you have anything to be ashamed of -you most certainly don't.

I probably worded it really badly but what I meant is that, in your shoes, I wouldn't/couldn't even look at him again for fear of the emotions I would feel (anger/betrayal/hatred...who knows what else?!) -I'd probably want to kill him.

Sorry if you thought I meant you'd done something wrong. You haven't.

Wishing you every strength to get through this and to get what you want as the outcome.

Fllightthebluetouchpaper · 07/11/2008 10:09

We could just start a lesbo biker single mum commune, y'know, if it helps at all...

QuintessentialShadow · 07/11/2008 12:38

Solo - you seem stronger. Good.
And your dd is so beautiful, those eyes! Like shiny blue sparkly diamonds! Or is it zapphires that are blue?

Do you allow married women to come visit at the commune??

Its the bike you see, she is hot....

solo · 07/11/2008 15:38

Ww Thank you. I have a friend that this happened to too. Two Dc's and many years later, she discovered that he had another family, wife and children. i think it's very common tbh.

ND, no I didn't take you the wrong way at all, no need for an apology.

Fllight, I may take you up on that!

QS, the picture does no justice at all to Dd's eyes. They are stunning in rl.
Not sure if I feel stronger. I'm still bloody angry and I've had lunch with a great male friend today who always talks sense.
I'll write later to tell what he's said. For now, I need to go to my parents.

solo · 08/11/2008 11:49

Well, my friend said that if I want to keep him(Dp)then I don't want to be texting or phoning these other numbers because it's vindictive and he wouldn't be very open if I did that. However, if he doesn't want to make a go of it with me and Dd, then it kind of gives me the green light to see if these other numbers belong to other women and throw some crap if they are seeing him. Makes sense I guess. Friend also said that I should be asking for a lot more money from him as whilst I'm struggling to feed and clothe the Dc's and me on £25-£30 a week, he's having a whale of a time having 3 ~ 4 holidays abroad each year, new motor bike and looking for a sports car atm. Yeah! that didn't even occur to me. I must be mad to have not thought of it. I give too much friend said. I think he's right.
Friend reckons Dp is mad if he can't see what he's throwing away with me(friend fancies me). He said other stuff too, but I haven't sorted it all out in my head yet, so can't write it all down atm.

Visited my parents yesterday. Very sad. Dad seems to believe that he is going to die sooner rather than later. I told him that he's not going anywhere yet, that he has to fight it and that I'll help him to fight it all I can. I told him that I love him very much and Dad told me he loves me too. Dad doesn't say that very often, so it was a bit of a tear jerker. He said to me that his wallet is in his back pocket and his Mums wedding ring is in the wallet. I'm just to take it. It's been promised to me for a very long time. I want my Dad to have it for many, many more years before I have it.

mumoverseas · 08/11/2008 12:00

oh Solo so sorry about your dad. (DP has been dealt with and I think everyone agrees he is a twat and you can do so much better. Dad is therefore far more important). I know how terrible it is. I lost my wonderful father just over 4 years ago after a relatively short illness and it was terrible. What makes it seem worse for me is that he never met my wonderful DH who I met 6 months after I lost him and he never knew his beautiful GD aged 2 and won't know the new baby I'm expecting in 3 months. Treasure every minute with your father and don't give a second thought to that spineless (ex?)DP. take care xxx

solidgoldbrass · 08/11/2008 12:08

I'm sorry that you are having such a horrible time. PLease get some legal advice about making sure that this man contributes financially to his DDs upbringing,but deal with him only about access to DD.

And I hope this doesn;t sound too harsh but: in future, judge a man by his actions, not his words. A man who doesn't want to move in with you or spend much time with you, and wasn't enthusiastic about having DC in the first place, is not your partner. He doesn;t think of himself as your partner, or you as his girlfriend. He is Not That Into You.

solo · 08/11/2008 13:39

MOS, I'm sorry your Dad didn't get to meet all those lovely relatively new people in your life. I'm sure he does know them though. He's probably looking over you all and watching out for you.

I spend quite a bit of time with my parents anyway tbh, so we are close. You just never want to lose the best people from your life do you?

SGB, I know just what you are saying, but it all seemed to make sense the way it was before. I'm very angry with him, but I think I'm very angry with me more.

dittany · 08/11/2008 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solo · 08/11/2008 14:20

I know you are probably right. I want to wait and see what he's got to say for himself. I'll then see about the other phone numbers. I know I've probably been burying my head in the sand a bit, but I think the saying that 'Love is blind' doesn't only count against what someone looks like, it also means that you can turn a blind eye to a lot of stuff that outsiders would be flabbergasted about.

solo · 08/11/2008 16:27

I've just read IAMtheOtherWoman's post in relationships from today and I'm actually wondering if phoning those other numbers I have will unearth any other children belonging to Dp. God, I hope not.

solo · 09/11/2008 11:56

Keep having vengeful thoughts. Not like me at all, I'm a loving and soft person usually. Keep having to give myself a talking to in order to think rationally. Very hard.

Fllightthebluetouchpaper · 09/11/2008 11:59

Solo it is only natural pet. It's part of the grieving process if you can try and look at it like that? Denial, anger, sadness, not sure what order they arrive in but you see what I mean. You will go through all oif these emotions.

I would come and watch DD if I could so you could get out for a blast on that red thing

Fllightthebluetouchpaper · 09/11/2008 12:03

Is it a GPZ 500?

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