40 yr old bachelor needs some advice!

[saracenandy]

Ladies

Can you help? I seem to have long term problems developing relationships with women. I consider myself attractive, active, fit, successful in sport (ex pro rugby player) and business (MD of my own company) but am increasingly frustrated with women I have relationships with. Most do not last more than 3 months.

After a number of initial successes over the years, the ladies have soon lost interest or they just play extraordinary games. I have Tourette's, epilepsy and echopraxia, and when women discover this it seems to be the catalyst for ending what we have, even after things are going swimmingly. BTW my condition does not involve spontaneous profanities or major fits, and I do not consider myself a liability, just in case you wanted to go there! In most respects I consider myself normal. :-)

I have a very comfortable lifestyle but my generosity is often abused. I do not consider myself needy or emotional. I'm not flashy or advertise my wealth. I'm just a sound guy with lots to offer the right woman, so why is it all so difficult?

For instance, my current girlfriend problem is unusual even by my standards. She is 40 also, photographer, beautiful, very sexy, lots of fun, GSOH, and after 6 months I have fallen in love. Trouble is there is no intimacy between us. Last time we snogged was in May, and we've never slept together. She claims she has old-fashioned values, which translates as "I have to submit to her every whim, pay for everything, be at her beck and call, only go out or see each other on her terms etc, etc". Thing is, I don't succumb to her needs, yet she always keeps bouncing back thinking there's nothing wrong, when I tell her its over.

Is it me, or do women of my age not know the word compromise, and don't want to understand me?

Any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

actually i just realised you probably cant do scuba but they do other hols too well worth a look as you meet people who are all wanting to enjoy themselves but not in a sleazy way and you are without your props of work cars flats etc

Hi Saracenandy, I'm no rugby fan so I can't join in posting pics of my fav players (although Josh Lucey used to live round the corner from us and we used to see him out running quite a bit - my housemate used to drool like a hungry bloodhound!)

Aaaaanyway.... Your ex sounds a cow! You're better off without. Laughing when you broke up with her is really quite nasty unless it was some odd defence mechanism.

However, you do seem to present yourself oddly, like you're writing a cv. I'm a go getting, high achieving closer. No need. We're not impressed by machismo on the whole.

Your background has obviously damaged something in you, I always believe you learn how to love from your parents and if they were distant or damaged in some way, you don't learn about healthy functioning relationships properly. You have to teach yourself.

My advice to you would be to forget about looking for a woman, focus on your counselling. It sounds like you're trying very hard and that can be as off putting as someone who's a complete twat and totally ignores you. Do something you really enjoy and that isn't something to go on the cv, helping out with a charity, painting, walking. Anything, it doesn't matter but you've got to love it.

Oh and ditch the Bentley. My FIL can't understand why he attracts so many gold-diggers... when he's driving his Ferrari. Like dur!!!

Good luck, stop trying too hard, don't think about women for a while, work on yourself, doing things you love and enjoy. Genuine enthusiasm is pretty sexy.

Oh yeah and don't do scuba. As an ex-instructor I can tell you with your health background it wouldn't be adviseable.

However if you do really want to do down the adventure holiday to meet partner type thing... I met my husband while we were both crew on a round the world yacht race.

See I'm not one to talk ;) (disclaimer - I went on the race to mend a broken heart and definitely not to find a new partner!)

Thanks for your advice HeadFairy, much appreciated.

Good luck Andy

I second that. Good luck Andy. And HeadFairy, your posts are excellent.

Sarancensummatblahblah. My dh is 42, erm no, perhaps 43? Oops! But anyway, for what it's worth, you are going about this meeting women lark entirely the wrong way.

Most of my friends are male so I've learnt a thing or two from them!

1. Don't talk money. When you meet a woman don't mention your car, or your expensive apartment, or anything about money. Ask about her and her family. Take an interest in what she does and share some of your interests with her. If you talk money you'll either be the biggest turn-off there, or she'll see you as a potential moneybox.

1. Be happy with who you are. Because happiness exudes confidence and there is nothing a woman likes more than a man who is confident with who he is. Don't apologise if you don't share the same tastes, don't try too hard to find things in common, just be yourself and stick to it.

1. Don't go on about yourself. You might be successful and opinionated, but women like it when you ask them their opinions every now and then! Don't mention your health problems, it shouldn't be an issue unless you are getting very serious, then you downplay it. Contrary to popular belief, none of us likes to play nursemaid.

1. Get out more. You're young enough to go clubbing still (providing it's the right kind of club), or to some live gigs or even just down the pub. Build up a social life and you won't have to resort to lonely hearts columns.

1. Ditch the suits. Chill out a little! Relax! If you treat everything as a business date then you're on a no-hoper. Dress casually, feel comfortable and you'll find yourself relaxing a little bit more.

1. Treat your woman like you would a friend. Be there for her, but maintain your own independance too and respect hers. So by all means pay for the first dinner, but don't turn down an offer to share the cost. Then after that it's only fair that you each go halves for everything. Treat her to flowers and chocs by all means, but don't patronise her by paying for everything.

If you want anymore advice, I charge £30 an hour

isn't it amazing how the minute a guy pops up on MN you are all over him like bees to a honey pot?

Ok- joining in...

you seem a little too serious, a bit too self-absorbed.

Do you have a sense of humour?
Have you got to your age with no real serious relationships?

I don't think anyone can answer your query here, tbh. You have not met the right woman. You have stuck with a woman who is giving you nothing back so it is making you doubt your self. End it- hers is not normal behaviour- maybe she is usung you as arm candy?

Get out more, meet real women and stop thinking about you so much- think about them and be less self-absorbed.

You're welcome saracenandy. Rhubarb's got some great advice there... having a laugh, letting it all hang out and being relaxed are very attractive traits. And we can spot someone who's faking those traits a mile off so you've got to genuinely be relaxed and having fun. If you're not, try and work out why not. Is it where you're going (too many posh restaurants?) what you're doing (too romantic - there is such a thing!) or who you're with. If you love sport and I presume you do having played, why not go to a rugby match as a date? Plenty of women love rugby, and then afterwards have a few drinks, get giddy and have a laugh, no agenda. Always a good night out when there's no agenda.

"isn't it amazing how the minute a guy pops up on MN you are all over him like bees to a honey pot?"

That comment pisses me right off

it's OK to reply to a woman but if I reply to a man I'm a bee round a honey pot?

Gah., I shan't CAT you if you sell the Bentley.

Eewah - no, that isn't me. It's funny but loads of people have thought I am really a flight attendant and it's about as far away as you get from the truth.

i like the one in Toy Story. 'Can I stop smiling now? My cheeks ache so much!'

yes i thought that comment was a bit too i reply to plenty of threads

but always get accused of something

Great post Rhubarb, worth every penny of that £30.

Re. your point 1, I employ that strategy initially, but eventually the girl is going to ride in the car, see the apartment etc. That's when it tends to get frustrating. My last date was a picnic in the park by the River on a Sunday afternoon, with the papers and a fab walk afterwards. How does that sound to you?

Then it has a tendency to go pear-shaped for me after that.

Re. point 3, I think its best to be honest about my conditions. Lets face it, I have a constant and indiscreet tic, and girls always ask if there's anything wrong with me. I categorically do not need a nursemaid.

Last girlfriend claimed she had old-fashioned values and expected me to pay for everything. When I suggested to her I wasn't her social fund she just used to laugh at me. Just plain nasty.

join a dating agency specifically for the wealthy and then at least you both know what you are going for.

you do have to kiss a fair proportion of frogs before you find a princess or summat!

you need to redefine yourself, start from scratch and just have fun !not every date will be ;the One;

Ok, picnic and a walk. Bit too intimate there, not to mention boring. Do you have a group of close friends you go out with? Can you not all meet up for a few drinks and invite a lady friend to come along. She then gets to see you all relaxed with your friends and they can give you their honest opinions. It's much more relaxing to be with other people, you don't feel as though you are being scrutinised by your date the whole time. And of course you suggest she brings some of her friends along.

As for the car. Leave it at home. You live in London, you can meet her for dates without it I'm sure. And I wouldn't invite her back until I knew her fairly well as a friend. Respect her - treat her as a friend and not as a girlfriend straight away.

The medical condition. Again, if she asks then be honest. But don't feel the need to bring it up. If the tic is obvious then she's no fool, she'll know what it is. If she feels comfortable with you, she'll ask you. Don't be too honest, it's offputting.

i dont agree with meeting for a date with friends

that would be awful

walk is not boring to me as long as it was several miles

You must have hobbies, what are your hobbies? Do you play anything musical? Can you not join a local band?

Take her and some friends to some gigs or a pub playing live music. Please don't make your dates intimate. Have fun. I'd hate to go out on dates now, the pressure would be enormous!

I met my dh through friends. I went out with a group of friends every weekend, most of them men. We holidayed together, got pissed together, went bowling together and it was through seeing each other as friends that we got close. Most of my 'dates' before that were failures.

You need to find someone to have fun with, who will accept you as you are. You don't necessarily need a girlfriend, you need a friend.

go on this here

You have to find what suite YOU not anyone else. Quite a few posters are writing about what they enjoy doing - which may be very different to what op is in too. There is no right or wrong answer - its about finding someone to be with, that you enjoy one another;s company. That could be sailing, or going out for a picnic and reading the papers or clubbing until 4 in the morning.

i think people have said find some common interests

on those speedbreaks activities you get a whole buch of people all trying something new and just there to enjoy themselves no pressure just making friends

The picnic thing does sound quite romantic, but a bit much for a first date (too much pressure).

Perhaps something a bit more casual, try seeing it as two mates going out rather than first date, that way there's less pressure on both of you and you'll both relax a bit more.
Worked for me!

Also, don't give up hope, I started seeing my dp when he was 39.

Sometimes you don't have to share common interests though. dh absolutely loves this Manchester band The Fall, yet I hate them with a loathing I've never felt about a band before. He plays guitar and mandolin, but I'm tone deaf and his playing annoys me. He loves mountains and trekking and hiking, I'll go along but I don't profess to enjoy it. He's an outdoors country man, I'm an indoors townie. Yet it's our differences that joins us together. We take the piss out of each other, we have sly digs, we are able to go off and do our different things quite happily, we never run out of things to talk about!

So don't worry if you don't seem to have anything in common, that can often make someone more appealing, more of a challenge!

But thats what I am trying to say (obviously unsuccessfully) that its about finding what suits you and not anyone else.

I have lots of differences to my dp but it works (well sort of) but for others it wouldn't. Its about connecting with someone and no-one can tell you how to do that!