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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

40 yr old bachelor needs some advice!

634 replies

saracenandy · 21/10/2008 15:12

Ladies

Can you help? I seem to have long term problems developing relationships with women. I consider myself attractive, active, fit, successful in sport (ex pro rugby player) and business (MD of my own company) but am increasingly frustrated with women I have relationships with. Most do not last more than 3 months.

After a number of initial successes over the years, the ladies have soon lost interest or they just play extraordinary games. I have Tourette's, epilepsy and echopraxia, and when women discover this it seems to be the catalyst for ending what we have, even after things are going swimmingly. BTW my condition does not involve spontaneous profanities or major fits, and I do not consider myself a liability, just in case you wanted to go there! In most respects I consider myself normal. :-)

I have a very comfortable lifestyle but my generosity is often abused. I do not consider myself needy or emotional. I'm not flashy or advertise my wealth. I'm just a sound guy with lots to offer the right woman, so why is it all so difficult?

For instance, my current girlfriend problem is unusual even by my standards. She is 40 also, photographer, beautiful, very sexy, lots of fun, GSOH, and after 6 months I have fallen in love. Trouble is there is no intimacy between us. Last time we snogged was in May, and we've never slept together. She claims she has old-fashioned values, which translates as "I have to submit to her every whim, pay for everything, be at her beck and call, only go out or see each other on her terms etc, etc". Thing is, I don't succumb to her needs, yet she always keeps bouncing back thinking there's nothing wrong, when I tell her its over.

Is it me, or do women of my age not know the word compromise, and don't want to understand me?

Any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 13:06

The men I know who are in the best relationships are different from the ones who are best at pulling. A dear frind of mine who is great with the laydeez has a rubblish time in relationship's because he is always looking for the next pull!

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 13:07

yuk lapin that pic is creepy

eeewahwoowah · 22/10/2008 13:07

MMMMMMMMmmmmm. Dan Carter.

SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 13:08

No worries, Saracenandy. I understand.

I'm sure you are aware of the DVLA regulation.

Enjoy your Bentley!

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 13:08

Creepy in what way? He could scrum dowm with me anyday!

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 13:11

he does nothing for me at all except send the wrong kind of shivers down my spine

i would rather my bf any day

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 13:12

on the subject of books tho it is quite interesting browsing in a bookshop on a date

well i think so anyway

snowleopard · 22/10/2008 13:13

Hmm, I don't think you deserve some of the nastiness you've had on here. When I was looking for a life partner I did get fed up with chancers and unemployed animation students et al, and think "I want someone with a decent career and his own money" - and FWIW I'm very feminist, have a career myself and am not materialistic - so I wasn't gold-digging, I just wanted equality and not to be someone's mother-figure.

BUT equally I wouldn't care about your Bentley, your dress sense, your flat... or your health conditions for that matter. What would do it for me is maturity, being able to take responsibility for yourself and your actions, being kind, funny, thoughtful, brainy and emotionally aware - and of course just feeling a connection, which can't be guaranteed.

I do think your wealth and status will attract a certain type of woman who might not be what you want.

But I also know there are multitudes of lovely women in their 30s and 40s who would like to meet a nice, caring man. Perhaps you will find one if you widen your circle. try volunteering down the homeless shelter. Join a choir. Do an evening class. Go on a trekking holiday with a group you don't know. Be open to all kinds of people - and consider women you would normally think are "not your type" as it's well known that many people home in on a "type", which may be making them unhappy.

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 13:13

PPPWWWWOOOAAARRRRRRRR!!!

SixSpotBonfire · 22/10/2008 13:13

a date

what's that?

filz · 22/10/2008 13:14

its a dried fruit, I think

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 13:14

definitely fun to go on an activity type holiday with a load of people you dont know

eeewahwoowah · 22/10/2008 13:15

No - no - no. Jazzicats. Men in their y-fronts slumped on the sofa. Nooooooooooooo.

Jesus - I need to get some work done!

littlelapin · 22/10/2008 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 13:16

Yes but look at the hairy chest EEEWWWAAAA!!!

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 13:16

I think Ben Cohen is lovely!

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 13:17

im afraid i dont do rugby i do football lol

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 13:18

I really must go and do some work rather than perving on gorgeous rugby boys!

eeewahwoowah · 22/10/2008 13:19

Actually, I do like a moderately hairy chest. And no I probably wouldn't object if I found them both slumped on my sofa in their underpants one Friday night. Okay. Have them wrapped and sent over.

snowleopard · 22/10/2008 13:20

btw your current girlfriend may be on some kind of mission to get you to propose by withholding sex - as in "The Rules" (a stupid book about how to bag a man) - either that or as others have said she's not that interested. Or, if you're really super-polite and not pressuring her at all, she may not want to be seen as forward enough to make the first move. Ask her.

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 13:21

Too late for that Snowleopard he's dumped her!!!!

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 13:21

he has dumped her snow

and she laughed

nice eh

snowleopard · 22/10/2008 13:22

oops! ok she was not worth having then.

I'm seeing you with a nice charity worker andy.

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 13:26

go scuba diving or skiing with speedbreaks

you probably wont meet anyone dating wise tho you might but you will make loads of friends and have a great time with a mix of other people

i recommend it highly

and most of them but not all are from london so it might make you see differently

saracenandy · 22/10/2008 13:26

Snowleopard, FYI current is no longer. I just came to the conclusion she wasn't "into me". I did suggest it when the moment was right but she had a habit of laughing at me.

OP posts:
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