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Original poster

40 yr old bachelor needs some advice!

634 replies

saracenandy · 21/10/2008 15:12

Ladies

Can you help? I seem to have long term problems developing relationships with women. I consider myself attractive, active, fit, successful in sport (ex pro rugby player) and business (MD of my own company) but am increasingly frustrated with women I have relationships with. Most do not last more than 3 months.

After a number of initial successes over the years, the ladies have soon lost interest or they just play extraordinary games. I have Tourette's, epilepsy and echopraxia, and when women discover this it seems to be the catalyst for ending what we have, even after things are going swimmingly. BTW my condition does not involve spontaneous profanities or major fits, and I do not consider myself a liability, just in case you wanted to go there! In most respects I consider myself normal. :-)

I have a very comfortable lifestyle but my generosity is often abused. I do not consider myself needy or emotional. I'm not flashy or advertise my wealth. I'm just a sound guy with lots to offer the right woman, so why is it all so difficult?

For instance, my current girlfriend problem is unusual even by my standards. She is 40 also, photographer, beautiful, very sexy, lots of fun, GSOH, and after 6 months I have fallen in love. Trouble is there is no intimacy between us. Last time we snogged was in May, and we've never slept together. She claims she has old-fashioned values, which translates as "I have to submit to her every whim, pay for everything, be at her beck and call, only go out or see each other on her terms etc, etc". Thing is, I don't succumb to her needs, yet she always keeps bouncing back thinking there's nothing wrong, when I tell her its over.

Is it me, or do women of my age not know the word compromise, and don't want to understand me?

Any thoughts or suggestions appreciated.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 11:17

i did make efforts to offer ideas and try and fin d out a bit more about op in order to give better advice

I was trying to get him to show his personality or articulate what he was really looking for

and for the record I am in a relationship as well with someone very nice

the reason we are together is because we share common onterests (travel/walking/camping) like going to museums and art galleries laugh together and have great sex and probably have similar parents and upbringing

we also like playing scrabble

being quite adventurous

etc

he is also intelligent and good looking and fit

i think if you have common values and interests and find each other sexually attractive that is the basis of a good relationship

after that making it work and staying together and developing it is down to how much you want it to succeed

Kewcumber · 22/10/2008 11:19

"But Kewcumber. On a 13 page thread, with 318 posts all offering advice, how is it possible to acknowledge each one individually?" - err yes - hence my disclaimer and my earlier statement that I didn't expect evrey post to be acknowledged but a general acknowledgement of some overall points.

Which has to a degree happened since - you did note that with a 2 min gap (gien my typing and brain speed) that his and my posst were cross posts?

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 11:19

there have been a whole further slew of posts since i wrote that lol

so i will go back and catch up

SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 11:43

FA & Saracenandy have some common ground.

Saracenandy does your psychotherapist work for the NHS as well? Perhaps you can introduce FA to your psychotherapist and both of you can participate in group sessions together?

It may help in cutting down the waiting time.

Original poster
saracenandy · 22/10/2008 11:48

The most difficult women I come across are of a similar age to me and who haven't been married. They often say they don't want to compromise, and are too stuck in their ways to give much to a guy. Do any of you think this is just a sign of the times? Why do you need to be difficult?

I'm using "you" in the third person.

OP posts:
SylvieSprings · 22/10/2008 11:56

Saracenandy - it takes two hands to clap, it works both ways.

Have you heard of the saying - "Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own?"

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 11:57

well i have no experience of having waited years to find the right man

so cant answer that...i have had ltrs

but i imagine there are things about getting to 40 and not having had an ltr

you have waited that long compromising probably seems like defeat

you have got more picky not less so

you have a life that suits you with a small space for a partner in

its not surprising that it is hard to find a partner that fits neatly into that small space

but that could be bollox as i havent been there

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 12:00

Not all women are like that just maybe the ones you are going for.

Do you have a particular 'type' who maybe like that? Women come in all shapes and sizes with all types of idiosyncrasies we are not a homogenous group you know!

Original poster
saracenandy · 22/10/2008 12:00

Actually Sylvie I'm offering compromise all the time.

Don't think I'm missing anything here.

OP posts:
Original poster
saracenandy · 22/10/2008 12:04

Jazz, I don't have a type, never have. My mates (male only this time) think its a "London " issue!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 22/10/2008 12:06

No I don;t think its a sign of the times - I think its a sign of anyone who gets to their 40's without being in a long term relationship.

I am in the same boat...

Several long term relationships but each one which ended badly (they didn't all) makes you less likely to put up with crap in future but also perhaps less prepared to compromise where maybe you should.

AS you get older you are happier in yourself, happier to be in your own company and have your own space and therefore "compromise" feels more like not doing what you want to do.

I'm afriad you do get more selfish and more fussy as you get older.

Also I would prefer a longer slower friednlier "courtship" than most men I know seem to be prepared from - particularly wiht a preschooler in the oicture.

zippitippitoes · 22/10/2008 12:07

maybe sex and the city is to blame

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 12:08

I do think some women in London think they are extra's out of Sex in the City or Bridget Jones - but even in London there are some lovely women.

Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 12:09

Sylvie - nice thought, but sadly it doesn't work that way. there are thousands of people on the waiting lists. You can't amalgamante private and NHS services in this field. some people can afford private and some can't.

Two entirely different systems and there are a lot of private psychitherapists with nothing to do with the NHS.

ahundredtimes · 22/10/2008 12:12

Andy - you are, I suspect, too defensive but you possibly don't realize this. You blame your lack of love life on all the women you've met - and possibly all those you haven't.

They are too difficult, they're not loving enough, they have their own lives, they won't compromise, they aren't interested.

This is not a good start. The common feature in your relationships is YOU.

So move on from the women, and look at yourself and what you are doing wrong.

I think it's been pointed out that your 'assets' as you see them aren't actually all that.

So - where do YOU go wrong do you think? What is it that YOU fail to do?

eeewahwoowah · 22/10/2008 12:15

saracenandy. if you are immediately assessing every woman you meet as potential wife material, then you are jumping the gun and potentially scaring them off. You need to take it slowly, get to know them and develop a deeper relationship. Allow them to discover that actually you may be worth compromising for.

Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 12:15

110x I think that's an excellent point, and can be tied in with the one which I made about him seeing the 'women' as his own mother, not as individuals.

It is hard to know whom to go for when you don't have a pattern in your upbringing of how relationships, love etc ought to appear. Therefore you can cast randomly out and find people whom you understand nothing about, simply in order to try and suss out what you don't want, or you can choose a 'type' and stick with it depite it not being constructive or sympathetic.

It's very hard to find someone when you don't know what you are looking for.

ahundredtimes · 22/10/2008 12:16

I reckon he's a bit buttoned up and tricky.

Original poster
saracenandy · 22/10/2008 12:16

Flight, happy to exchange thoughts and experiences away from MN if you think it would be worthwhile.

OP posts:
Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 12:17

I think the childhood would explain a lot.

Nobody survives loveless parenting without some possibly significant damage.

ahundredtimes · 22/10/2008 12:17

I also think he has to dismantle his ideas about what women want, and what he thinks he can offer.

It's all nonsense.

Wipe the slate clean. Be yourself, forget the whole rugby playing car driving spiel and don't panic and don't expect.

Jazzicatz · 22/10/2008 12:17

Way hay Flight get your coat you've pulled girl!

Flightattendant2 · 22/10/2008 12:18

X posts Andy. Thanks - I might CAT you later on (private message)

NorbertDentressangle · 22/10/2008 12:18

eeewahwoowah I love your name and know that its the punchline to the joke about EW but what was the joke? -its really bugging me .

PustuleRots · 22/10/2008 12:18

Echo what eehwahwoowah said. DH was very casual and non-committal from the offset. It made me play it very cool too. Ultimately this just made us want to be together all the more (although neither of us would admit it). 7 months down the line we got married.